


Playing It Safe

by DarknessBound



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, American Football Player Dean Winchester, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Puns, Begging, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Castiel Knows Shit, Castiel and Dean Winchester Falling in Love, Castiel and Dean Winchester First Meet, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Roommates, Castiel and Jimmy Novak are Twins (Supernatural), Castiel's Sex Hair, Castiel/Dean Winchester Mutual Pining, Closeted Dean Winchester, College Football, College Guys Can Be Really Stupid, Coming Out, Dean Winchester in Denial, Everyone Is Alive, Fist Fights, Friends to Lovers, Gay Dean Winchester, Gay Panic, Happy Ending, Harry Potter References, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Inappropriate Erections, Jealous Castiel (Supernatural), Jealous Dean Winchester, Jock Dean Winchester, John Winchester Not Being an Asshole, Light BDSM, M/M, Mentions of Myth & Folklore, Minor Injuries, Minor Violence, Misunderstandings, Nerd Castiel (Supernatural), Openly Gay Castiel (Supernatural), POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Dean Winchester, POV Jimmy Novak (Supernatural), POV Original Character, Praise Kink, References To Satanism, References to Shakespeare, Roommates to lovers, Rough Dean Winchester, Samhain, Secret Relationship, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Team Dean Winchester's Red Ass, The Lord of the Rings References, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:01:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 160,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23726491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarknessBound/pseuds/DarknessBound
Summary: Fresh out of high school, Dean Winchester accepts a full ride to play football clear across the country. He barely glances at the name of the town, let alone anything else - he just needs to get the hell out of Hayward and move on with his life. He moves in with identical twins just off campus, and while one thinks he'll be the reason Dean sits the bench all year... the other apparently wants to drag Dean out of the closet ass-first.New town, new friends, new rules. Would it really be so bad if he left the old Dean behind?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 726
Kudos: 677
Collections: Team Dean's Red Ass, The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection





	1. Metanoia

__

_“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”_ **  
**

**\- C. S. Lewis**

**Dean**

Leaving home was hard. Not only was Dean moving away from his family, he was moving away from his entire life. 

Growing up in the Bay Area was tough and it was even tougher to avoid the gang life when you lived smack dab in the middle of the front lines. The only thing that kept gangsters off Dean’s back... was football. 

And luckily, he had a reputation.

Walking to the corner store was always a risk. He’d been jumped, stabbed, and even had a gun pointed on him for his last $20, but every so often he’d hear something like: “Not him, that’s the football kid,” or “Leave that one alone, he’s gonna be in the NFL someday.” 

His mom and dad were typical football parents; John played up until he broke his knee in college and Mary went to every game to cheer him on. His little brother Sam loved watching him play, but he never had any intention to join any organized sport. He was tall enough to play basketball for sure, but never cared, he was more into books anyway.

Dean loved those things too, but they would always come second to football. 

It was that fact that had him packing up his ‘67 Chevy Impala and hitting the open road to bumfuck Ohio, nervous but eager to open the next chapter of his life.

Dean didn’t know much about where he was headed, just that the town popped up out of nowhere about 15 years ago and that it had to be better than where he’d been. Two brothers attending the university had put out an ad for a roommate a few weeks ago, and Dean could only hope they weren’t weirdos. Not that he had a choice; he knew nothing about the damn town and already friggin paid them for the full first year. 

Dean parked his car after the longest drive of his life and sighed. “From Haystack to Helltown.” The house was nice enough, perfect for a couple of bachelors. He would have his own room here, so that was definitely the cherry on top… well, that and the ridiculously cheap rent. In the Bay, he’d pay this same amount of money to sleep on a couch in a crack house. The dude he spoke to was named Jimmy, and he said it even came with a bed and dresser which made this choice an absolute no brainer for Dean. He couldn’t remember the other brother’s name… something with a C, but he’d learn it soon enough. 

_Here goes nothing._

Dean got out of his car and stood there awkwardly for a second. _Do I bring my bags now or…_ He checked and double checked the address. “Fuck it.” He opted for no bags and made his way to the door and knocked.

A guy with dark hair and blue eyes greeted him with a grunt and a head nod. _Oh...kay._ “Are you Dean?” 

“Uh… yeah, you Jimmy?” _Please be Jimmy. Because I cannot for the life of me remember the other dude’s name._

A single nod. _Big talker, this one._ Jimmy moved aside to let Dean in, then his brain seemed to catch up with his eyes. “Where are your bags? When I told you it was furnished, I didn’t mean we’d supply your wardrobe, too.” 

“No shit? Thought you had some boxers for me, Jimbo.” Dean rolled his eyes and turned back towards the car. “I’ll grab 'em.” 

Dean grabbed his luggage. He didn’t bring much; just a suitcase full of clothes, another one for shoes and other shit, and his backpack with his laptop and school stuff. He had weights in his arsenal - aka Baby’s trunk - so he could lift when he got antsy but when he entered the house, he could see they had a weight bench on the back patio. _Awesome._

“Nice place, man.” Dean looked around more and noticed they made a study area in the dining room, which was nice. _Maybe it won’t be so bad._ There was also an _insane_ amount of books. “Who’s the bookworm?”

“That would be me, although… I resent being compared to a worm.” The voice came from behind him so he pivoted, and his first thought was that Jimmy’s eyes weren’t blue at all, they were grey at best.  _ Those  _ were blue eyes, even partially hidden behind glasses. His second thought was  _ what the fuck,  _ because the guy took a damn picture of him. With a Polaroid camera. Jimmy acted like it didn’t happen, and Dean had no idea if he was supposed to say anything about it or not so he tried to move on. 

_Shit. What was his fucking name? Casey? Fuck._ Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Worms aren’t so bad, I read they’re pretty smart.” _Why. the. fuck. did I say that?! How much dumber can I get? And why does he sound like a fucking sex god? I gotta move. This isn’t gonna work out. Who’s great idea was it to move to fucking Helltown?!_

“There are approximately 2,700 different kinds of earthworms, and every single one of them are hermaphrodites. If you’re not prepared to take my word for it that I don’t belong in that category, I’d be happy to show you.” 

Dean’s eyes drifted down to his crotch on instinct, and he visibly jerked when he caught himself. Desperate to change the subject to _anything_ other than that guy’s dick, he asked the first non-kinky question that came to his mind. “I’ll uh.. take your word for it. Are you guys twins?” _Oh, apparently I can get_ **_much_ ** _dumber._ He contemplated jumping out the window except it was a damn one story house.

Jimmy rolled his eyes but smiled slightly. “No, we’re actually not related at all, we’ve just spent so much time together that our DNA synchronized like fucking periods.” 

“Well, this was a great start. Which room is mine? I’ll get outta your hair.” Dean walked towards the small hallway, if you could even call it that. He could see the master bedroom and that obviously wouldn’t be his so he hoped he could easily find his room. He just needed out of that awkward living room, _stat._

“It’s at the other end of the house and to the right,” Not-Jimmy said. “I’ll show you.” 

_Doesn’t fucking count when the thing you’re trying to run away from follows you anyway._ He moved out of the way, following that mop of crazy hair past the living room and to what was, apparently, his bedroom. 

“My name is Castiel, by the way. But… you can call me Cas. Hardly anyone ever remembers my real name.” Cas offered a half-hearted shrug and turned his head toward the door at the end of the hall. “There’s our bathroom, and my room is right across the hall from yours.” 

The guy’s comment made Dean want to call him Castiel and _not_ Cas, but there was honestly no way he’d remember that mouthful of a name. “Thanks, Cas. Better than ‘worm’, right?” _Shut up, Dean._

He entered his room and set his bags down, looking around at his new home. Things were different here. Not bad, but different. The window was cracked and he could hear the insects singing out in the trees. It was... peaceful. Much better than the police sirens and gunshots back home, and the only bugs they had out there at night were crickets. Whatever these were, it sounded like music. 

Dean walked over to his window and just listened, unaware Cas was still watching him until that ungodly deep voice drowned out the bugs. 

“We were going to order a pizza, if you’re hungry.” 

Dean turned back towards the door frame and froze a little at the sight. Something about this dude had feelings bubbling up that Dean thought he’d shoved down years ago. “Uh yeah, I can pitch in. Anything but pineapple.”

“It’s your first night here, you don’t need to pitch in. And it’s meat lovers or nothing in this house, you’ll have to take it or leave it.” Cas smiled and turned to walk away, stopping with one hand on the doorframe. “I’ll let you know when it’s here, although I imagine you’ll be able to hear Jimmy. He gets... excited... about pizza.”

Dean nodded. “I love meat.” _Goddammit._

Cas squinted at him for a moment and then laughed quietly. “That makes two of us. Take some time to unpack, let me know if you have any questions.” He left with a single tap to the door, but Dean could still hear him as he told Jimmy, “Yes, it seems like he’s... perfectly fine with the meat lovers.”

Dean blushed and internally cursed himself. He walked over to the door and closed it most of the way, unpacked and then laid on the bed. He was actually happy that summer training started the next morning… less time in the house meant less chances for panicky bullshit to come out of his mouth. 

**Castiel**

Jimmy poked him right in the chest when he returned from Dean’s room. “Don’t get any ideas, Cas. No. _Bad_ _dog.”_

“Worms, dogs… what’s next? Is our neighbor going to call me a unicorn?” Cas wrapped his hand around Jimmy’s finger and gently guided it away from himself. “In any case, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

His brother glanced at Dean’s door and lowered his voice. “You know _exactly_ what I’m talking about, we don’t shit where we eat, remember?” 

Cas nodded, sighing quietly as he glanced at the Polaroid in his hand. Their new roommate was easily among the top three most insanely attractive people he’d ever laid eyes on in person, and he found it almost flattering that Jimmy thought he even stood a chance. “I remember. It’s been about seven minutes, can you at least offer me the benefit of the doubt? He caught me off guard, that’s all.” 

To the untrained eye, Cas probably handled their introduction rather well. But Jimmy’s eyes were anything _but_ untrained. He didn’t necessarily believe in twin telepathy or anything like that, but they’d been inseparable since birth and their ability to read each other only grew when they’d started playing football together. He could be as outwardly smooth as his personality would allow, and Jimmy would still see right through him. 

“All I’m saying is keep it in your damn pants, baby bro. These walls are too thin.” 

“Two minutes, James. You’re older by _two minutes.”_ Cas shuffled over to the couch and plopped down, scowling a little as he worked through what Jimmy had said. “Not to mention, it never seems to matter to you how thin the walls are when you’re escorting in the never ending slut-parade of cheerleaders and… well, whoever else you can get to sleep with you.” 

Jimmy grinned proudly. “Semester hasn’t even officially started yet and I’m already notching the _other_ side of the bedpost. But don’t forget whose scholarship pays the rent around here, I think I’ve earned the right to make as much noise as I want.” 

It’s not like he could argue, he was right. If they weren’t twins, he might’ve even felt bad about freeloading, but every penny he made from working at the student center went right back into his tuition. “You’re right, you have. And luckily for you, I’ve taken a vow of celibacy.” 

“Yeah, and I’m the _Pope.”_

“I fear for Catholics everywhere,” Cas teased. Jimmy whipped a throw pillow at him which Cas caught with one hand, smirking in triumph. “Guess I’ve still got it.” 

_Knock knock._

Cas’ heart leapt into his chest at the sound. He _knew_ it was just the pizza, and yet the thought of what walked into their house last time someone knocked had him swallowing thickly. He glanced toward Dean’s room as Jimmy hurtled across the living room to jerk open the door. 

“Hah! Finally!” 

As Jimmy paid for the pizza and practically dry-humped the box, Cas pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and took a couple of hesitant steps in Dean’s general direction. He wasn’t good with new people on a normal basis, but when the new person in question looked like the love-child of Aphrodite and fucking Apollo, it was even harder. 

He was just about to knock on the slightly open door when it swung open. It was hard to tell which of them looked more startled, but Dean found his voice before Cas did. “Oh, shit.”

“Um... the pizza man is here.” Cas closed his eyes briefly and kicked his own ass for thinking of porn almost instantly. “I was just coming to get you, but I… see now that it was unnecessary.” _Oh, yes. That was smooth._

“Yeah, I heard him. You weren’t lying about his love of pizza.” Dean walked out and Cas let him walk in front, taking the opportunity to check out his ass. Which, for anyone keeping track… was a bad idea. 

His brother was already stuffing his face with an entire piece of pizza folded up like a taco. Cas grimaced and grabbed a piece of his own, looking at him like he was a cockroach. “I’ll never understand how you and I came from the same egg.” 

Jimmy shrugged with his mouth full and chewed quickly, burping once he finally swallowed. “That’s because I took all the best parts. And hey, don’t judge me. Training starts tomorrow. Gotta carbo-load while I can.” He picked up another piece and used it to gesture toward Dean. “Since you showed up in June instead of August, I take it you play?”

Dean walked over and grabbed a slice, stuffing his face like Jimmy except it was slightly less annoying. Cas took a bite and waited as Dean chewed a little before speaking. “Yup. Safety. You?”

“Shit.” Dread pooled in Cas’ gut as Jimmy slowly set down what was left of his ravaged pizza. 

_“Cas.”_

He sighed, looking to Dean with almost apologetic eyes as he took his brother’s cue to explain. “Jimmy has been a safety since he was old enough to hold a football. Are you a strong safety or free safety?” 

“Strong, of course.” Castiel noticed how proudly he said it, and also how his posture stiffened. “That a problem?” he asked Jimmy, as though he was prepared for some type of fight. 

"If you consider sitting on the bench all year a problem, then yeah. _You've_ got one." Jimmy said simply, sitting back and once again resuming his quest to devour a whole box of pizza on his own.

Dean grinned and huffed a laugh. “Yeah, guess we’ll see who’s problem that is soon, huh?” He raised his eyebrows and grabbed another slice before disappearing back into his room.

Cas frowned deeply at Jimmy. “We have to live with him, you know. You could be nice.” 

“He just became the competition. I’m being nice, I bought him pizza, didn’t I? Doesn’t mean I gotta lie to him.” 

That didn’t do a whole lot to make Cas feel better, but there wasn’t much he could do about it. Dean was still a stranger, and Jimmy was an objectively phenomenal safety, so… even if he wanted to make Dean feel better, he wouldn’t know how to start. 

He stood, cleaning up their trash and attempting to put the living room back in order from the long, lazy weekend. 

“Don’t get all weird on me, Cas. I’ll behave, I promise. Dean will learn soon enough without me needing to tell him.” 

Cas had been around enough football players in his time to know how they get when their egos were wounded (he’d even been one), and he wasn’t looking forward to dealing with it again - no matter _how_ this budding rivalry played out. “Yes,” Cas agreed. “That happens to be exactly what I’m afraid of.” 

**Dean**

Dean went into his room and instantly looked up his new roommates. Was he being rash? Maybe. But he wasn’t about to have to sleep with one eye open, and he knew nothing of these Novak brothers… if that was even their last name. _Okay, calm down. It won’t be that bad. Just play nice off the field and kick his ass on the field. Should be easy, right?_

He took a minute to calm down but once he did, he went back to his pizza and closed his laptop. He wasn’t fucking moving now, in a player’s eyes, the fucking season started _tomorrow._ ****This was home. _Fuck!_

If he was being honest, he knew he’d have to fight for his spot on the team, even with a scholarship. He’d had to fight for every damn other thing in his life, so even if it _wasn’t_ normal for a freshman to warm the bench, he was pretty sure he’d still have to claw his way into a spot. But he wasn’t anticipating being the only dumbass on campus to accidentally room with his competition. _Why didn’t I take ten fucking seconds to ask who I was signing up to live with?_

Dean chewed his pizza like he was pissed at it, then frowned. It certainly wasn’t the pizza’s fault that he left every major decision until the last possible second and then still barely bothered to do the legwork. If it wasn’t revolving around football, he just wasn’t motivated enough. 

When he was done eating, it took him a solid five minutes to work up the nerve to go brush his teeth and hit the head before turning in for the night. It was still early, but he’d driven for roughly thirteen hours that day and he was done for. 

He opened his door slowly, hoping he wouldn’t draw any attention to himself as he tiptoed to the bathroom. _So far, so good._ Dean gently closed the door behind him and after taking care of one issue, he stepped up to the sink to brush his teeth. 

Except… his toothbrush was still in the side pocket of his duffle. 

_Fucking Christ._

~~~~

He slept like shit. He wasn’t surprised, the mattress was harder than the one he had back home and he couldn’t stop thinking about the twins. Dean knew they were supposed to be identical, but they couldn’t be further from it. Jimmy’s hair was gelled and meticulously combed, whereas Cas’ did whatever the hell it wanted to. Maybe it was just that day? Either way, the most striking difference was the eyes. How was it even possible for identical twins to have different eye colors? _That’s_ what he should’ve stayed awake Googling last night, not trying desperately to figure out how to spell Casseel or whatever the hell Cas’ real name was. All he came up with were friggin angels, and he sure didn’t feel like he was in Heaven. 

Dean frowned when he finally made his way into the weight room only to find out they wouldn’t be playing actual football until Friday. He’d already been working out nearly every day since his senior season ended, and he definitely didn’t mind keeping that up, but he wanted to _play._ When his mind raced the way it had been, the only thing that settled him was getting out on the field. Maybe if he actually managed to make a few friends, they could play for fun out on the practice fields. 

“Watch it now, brotha. Locker’s taken.” 

Dean sized up his teammate and was not disappointed. He took a step back and held his arms up in mock surrender. “Relax, I just walked in. Point me in the right direction.” 

“Name’s Benny, I’m the center. You can park your shit over there with all the other redshirts.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m Dean, and I don’t plan on bein’ a redshirt.” He averted his gaze from Benny, who was easily Dean’s height but had about 60 pounds on him. He tossed his stuff in a locker off to the side and saluted Benny as he made his way over to the weight benches. 

_Fine, if I can’t show off on the field, I’ll show off in here._ Dean knew better than to lift without a spotter, so he started out by trying to stretch as he kept his eyes on the other players that were filtering in. If there’s one absolutely useless skill Dean had, it was figuring out what position people played just by looking at them. And if he’d had more of a warning, he probably could’ve seen the whole Jimmy thing coming, but he’d been too fucking distracted by Blue Eyes/Sex Hair to properly get a read on either of them. 

He spotted a moderately tall kid with calves too big for his body. _Yep, that’ll be the kicker, or at least the punter._ Dean stared at him until he caught his eye, and then jerked his head toward the weight bench. “Hey! Mind spottin’ me?” 

The kid gave him a gallic shrug and walked over, waiting until Dean got settled under the bar and adjusted his grip. “Hope Benny didn’t scare ya or anything. He’s a big ol’ teddy bear, he’s just… abrasive.” 

Dean eyed him upside down as he lifted the bar from the rests. “I don’t think those two things go together, man.”

“You haven’t been here very long, have you.” 

He was silent for a moment as he gritted his teeth and went through with the first couple of reps. “That obvious, huh?” 

The kid laughed. “I’m Garth, but everyone calls me Fitzgerald and I know you’re Winchester, but trust me… Benny is one of the nice ones here.” 

"Okay, so..." Dean cut himself off as he held his breath to bring the bar down to his chest again. Okay, maybe he bit off a little more than he was prepared to chew. "Who are the _not_ nice ones, then?"

“I wouldn’t say they’re ‘not nice’ just... tools.” He laughed at his own joke. “Morningstar is loud, but he’s alright. He’s also our quarterback and gay, well... bi, not that it matters. Trenton has little man syndrome, Milton is kind of a dick and Hernandez, Granikowski and Castle are all tools.” 

A buff dude walked over. “Who you callin a tool, twig?” He shoved Garth lightly. “Sup, I’m Granikowski. You Winchester?”

Dean had had about enough of his upside down, self-inflicted power struggle. He gently dropped the bar back to the rests and sat up, flexing his shoulders and checking out the newcomer. “Yep, last time I checked. Let me guess… linebacker?” 

“Hey, you’re good. What d’you think this little guy plays?” He put an arm around Garth, who grimaced under the weight of it. 

“Pegged him for the kicker the second he walked in, you see the size of those calves?” Dean grinned. “Dude’s got tree trunks attached to his feet.”

"Aww, look, Garth. I think the new kid has a crush on you,” Granikowski teased. 

Garth shoulder-checked him. "See, Winchester? Tool with a capital 'T'."

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, I see what you mean. Looks more like a troll than a tool, though.” 

Granikowski looked pissed for a second and Dean wondered if he should've waited before talkin’ shit, but then the guy laughed like a complete meathead. “Morningstar, Come here. This dude is good.”

“I already know Morningstar is quarterback thanks to Fitzgerald here, but I don’t know anyone else. Oh, and Benny said he’s the center.”

A giant ball of hair flew past Dean and body slammed into Granikowski, knocking him over the bench and sending them both crashing to the ground. The hairball stood up and laughed, reaching a hand out to help the troll he'd just decimated. "Bigger they are, the harder they fall, right?" 

Granikowski took the help standing up and tried to mess up the guy's hair. "I'll take bein' big over lookin' like _you.”_

Dean couldn’t help but laugh, he’d always loved watching people fall, especially big ass tools. He instantly thought Morningstar was good looking, even by QB standards, but forced himself to focus on the hot mess express hair he had and once again pushed away the feelings. “You must be the quarterback.”

Morningstar’s eyes traveled slowly over Dean, and it took more effort than he cared to admit to keep still. “Yeah, that’s me. Any of these dumbasses give you shit, let me know. I’m not gonna say your name for the twelfth time, I’m pretty sure I know it by now. What position do you play?”

“Strong safety.”

Jaskier grinned and looked around at the others. “Anyone tell Novak that yet?”

“Yeah, we spoke last night, I’m also his roommate.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck under the man’s gaze when he remembered he was gay.

"Wait, you live with Castiel?" Jaskier took a step closer, suddenly looking serious, and both Garth and Granikowski stepped away. 

_T! It’s spelled with a fucking T!_

Dean assumed he looked as confused as he felt. _Maybe the dude has a crush on Cas? That wouldn’t be surprising. Cas was… shut up, Dean._ “Yeah but I spent about two minutes total with each of them. Just got in last night.”

He nodded a little and licked his lip. “Yeah, I get it. Just uhh... like I said, if any of these fuckers give you problems, let me know. My job is a lot easier when the defense does its job, so... yeah.” Jaskier trailed off, apparently assuming that made any sort of sense. “See ya around.” Dean watched him go, wondering why he got a little weird there but he wasn’t about to ask. He was much too new to be asking personal shit like that.

Dean never wanted to be one of those buff dudes with noodle legs, so he walked over to do some dead-lifts. At least he could do those himself and take some time to think. People walked over and introduced themselves, but there was no way he’d remember all their names when his mind was once again locked on his new roommate... and why the hell his quarterback cared that they lived together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metanoia:  
> [The journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life]


	2. Whelve

_“Love at first sight is a polite phrase used when one wants to fuck a stranger.”_

**\- Sheeja Jose**

**Castiel**

Cas barely slept Sunday night. He’d only had a couple of weeks off between the end of spring semester and the start of his summer electives, but he felt… off. Like that had still been ample time to completely fuck up his circadian rhythm. It certainly didn’t help that he was laying in bed across the hall from the hottest guy he’d ever seen - yes, he’d already been upgraded - or that he couldn’t stop his brain from attempting to create fantasies about said hot guy. 

This was _not_ the time for fantasies, especially about another football player. If Dean had played _any_ other sport, been on the debate team, or in the French club, or hell… even been just a regular freshman… he might have thought differently. But he’d learned his lesson a hundred-fold with Jaskier Morningstar, and he swore to himself he’d never let himself get involved in any way with another football player. He’d promised Jimmy, too, as they were his teammates. 

But as he laid there staring at the ceiling, he could see it so clearly in his mind it was almost like watching porn. Every time he tried to blink the images away, or try to distract himself by thinking about calculus, his mind would jump right back to Dean. He’d only known the guy for roughly five hours, and already, the mental phrase _‘sketch the curve represented by the parametric equation’_ had Castiel wondering if he could graph the shape of Dean’s unbelievably perfect ass. 

Part of him wanted to believe if he just gave in, allowed himself _one_ fantasy, one _measly_ orgasm at his roommate’s expense, he’d get over it. But the more brilliant head reminded him that his obsessive personality would see to it that the exact opposite happened, so he rolled over onto his stomach and buried his face in his pillow until he fell asleep.

It felt like mere minutes had gone by when he was rudely jarred awake by his alarm, but it had to have been at least a couple of hours. The boner he’d been ignoring before forcing himself to sleep was now fully gone, and yet Cas couldn’t decide if that was a relief or a terrible indication of what was to come. Or _not_ come, in this case… _Fuck._

By the time he convinced himself to leave the safety of his bed, he was running twenty minutes late and no longer had time to shower or even grab a coffee. He dressed as quickly as he could, then raced the half mile to Crowley Hall with his messenger bag slung over his shoulder and smacking painfully against his thigh with every step. 

He never understood why their huddles needed to be at 9 am, especially because it was summer and even during the fall they didn’t usually meet until the afternoon. And yet, here he was, coming to an abrupt stop in front of the door that led to the press room. 

“You’re late, Cas.” The preppy, fiery red editor-in-chief stared him down as he plopped in front of one of the open computers and unsuccessfully attempted to brush his hair out of his face. 

“Sorry, Abby. Stuck in traffic.” 

She stalked over to him slowly, her unnecessarily long heels clacking on the tile floor until she was close enough to him that he could see the minute scratch on the corner of her horn-rimmed glasses. “You don’t _drive.”_

He swallowed, averting his gaze and trying to shrink. His eyes landed on her glossy, blood red nails which only seemed to make things worse, so he closed his eyes entirely. Abaddon knew how she affected people, and she constantly used it to her advantage. Especially with Cas. “Sorry.”

“Hmm. Of course you are, pet.” 

Cas felt the air around him become lighter as she shifted away from him and started droning on about how they’re working with a limited staff since most of them had gone home for the summer months. This either meant they’d be running smaller weekly editions of _The Helltown Grimoire_ or they’d all have to take on extra duties. The general consensus was cutting down the size of the paper, since less student population meant less stories anyway. He nearly fell off his chair when Abby actually agreed and they started working out what articles to run in their first summer edition. 

He wrote for the sports column his freshman year, and apparently that wouldn’t be changing during the summer semester. Cas wasn’t about to complain, even though he’d officially quit _playing,_ his life pretty much still revolved around football. 

Abaddon gave them their usual deadline of Thursday, when their second weekly huddle was. This allowed them time to get the layout together and send the final copy out for printing and an early Friday morning distribution. Kevin, Cas’ best friend and the go-to guy for news articles, scootched his chair closer once Abby finally shut up. 

“How many classes are you taking this time?” 

Cas logged into his computer to start mapping out ideas. “Three, not including this. And I’m working in the student center again four days a week.” 

“Can you tell me why I decided to take two - _two! -_ math classes this summer?” It was only the first block of the first day, and Kevin already looked like he was about to pull his hair right out of his skull. 

“Because you’re an idiot.” 

He didn’t try to disagree as he joined Cas at the next available computer. They were silent for a while before Kevin looked over at him again. “Did you get a chance to meet the roommate Jimmy chose?” 

And to think, Cas had managed to go a full hour without thinking about Dean Winchester. “Yes, I did. It didn’t go as well as I hoped. As it turns out, he’s going to be competing for Jimmy’s position. My house is about to become a bigger nightmare than this _town.”_

“Well, you’re welcome to come stay with me whenever you want, but things are a little crowded as it is. I’m back in the dorms this year.” 

“Thanks Kevin, but I’ll be fine. What’s the worst that could happen?” As they fell back into companionable silence, Cas had a terrible feeling that one way or another, he’d be finding out the answer to that very question. 

~~~~

When Cas finally made it home for lunch, a shower, and a nap… he was confronted with the fact that his space was no longer _his_ space. Dean was sprawled out on the couch, snoring quietly and looking like every fucking wet dream Cas was begging himself not to have. He huffed quietly and went to look for Jimmy, but he wasn’t home. He couldn’t remember if he’d been there when Cas had rushed out that morning, but if he knew his brother, he’d bet the house that Jimmy had waited until the afternoon work-out. 

Cas had intended on catching Jimmy before that but Kevin had insisted Cas come check out his new dorm. Some administrative error had forced him to move in the two weeks between the end of the spring semester and the start of the summer one, and once they’d gotten to his room they lost track of time. 

He stopped for a moment longer to watch Dean sleep, and chewed his lip as he glanced between the sleeping god and his makeshift study table not 6 feet away. Cas had the tendency to talk to himself as he studied, and although his classes hadn’t officially started yet he wanted to get a jump on them. He grabbed a couple of his books and snuck into his room, closing the door as quietly as possible before sitting down on his bed and losing himself in his studies. 

**Dean**

He woke with a start after the same damn recurring nightmare he always had. It took him a moment to figure out where the fuck he was, and even then, he still didn’t quite relax. Growing up the way he did, he was incredibly wary of new people - even stupidly hot twins. _Hot - cause it’s fucking hotter than hell in this house, not… fuck. Do they even have AC?!_

Eager to run with that much less dangerous train of thought, he pushed his sweaty ass off the couch and started thoroughly checking out the house. It was nicer than he’d originally thought, now that there weren’t any distractions around. The kitchen was modern, the pictures on the wall were a combination of weird-looking art and family photos. He stopped in front of a picture of the twins during their high school graduation. Even there, the differences between the supposedly identical twins was striking to Dean. The sex hair obviously wasn’t limited to yesterday, Cas’ hair was sticking up at odd angels and Dean’s hand twitched at his side with the need to run his fingers through it. Which is ridiculous, it’s a fucking _picture._

He moved on to another one which had to be high school as well, because they were both in football uniforms. Dean didn’t recognize the team name but he wasn’t surprised, he came from an entirely different world than those two. 

When he pulled himself away from the pictures, he finally found what he’d originally been looking for. He lifted his hand to turn the thermostat down and grimaced when he saw it was already on 65… he definitely couldn’t use the temperature as an excuse. Dean swore under his breath and decided to take a shower since he was obviously still home alone, the least he could do was smell better than a gym bag when the twins came back from wherever the hell they were. 

After a lengthy, much needed shower, he wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the door to head back to his room, but his path was blocked. 

By a person. 

“Shit.”

“Oh, um… hello, Dean.”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize anyone else was home. Were you tryin’ to use the bathroom or something?” _Why don’t you just ask him if you can hold it for him, dumbass?_

Cas shook his head and didn’t say much of anything at all as his gaze settled on Dean’s still shower-damp abs. He knew he looked damn good, he’d been bulking up during the off-season and had actually gotten a decent workout in after everyone quit bugging him earlier. 

Dean blinked at the rapidly deepening blush on Cas’ cheeks and stood there for a moment longer before gesturing behind Cas to his door. “Can I…just...?” He shuffled awkwardly around him and Cas muttered an apology before ducking into his room and shutting the door a little harder than the situation called for in Dean’s mind. _Yeah, this is going fucking_ **_awesome._ **

~~~~

Dinner wasn’t much better. He’d tried cooking for the twins as a peace offering - even though he didn’t do a goddamn thing wrong - but Jimmy was still being smug as hell and Cas was avoiding his gaze. 

“So, uh… Jim. How was the work-out?” 

He chuckled and popped a French fry in his mouth. “Great. Heard you needed _Fitzgerald_ to spot for you.” 

Dean scowled. “Hey, he was the first one that talked to me, and the kicker’s just as good as anyone else. He seems like a good dude, they all do.”

Cas actually smiled at him. “I like Garth. I’m glad you two got along, he doesn’t have many friends.” 

It was astounding how much that actually relaxed Dean. “Yeah, well I don’t have _any_ friends, so I guess that means we’ll get along just fine.” 

“Look, you’re the new kid, fresh meat. We don’t have any other incoming freshmen this year, and it’s just hazing. I’m just fuckin’ with you, Dean. Don’t take it personally.”

He studied Jimmy for a moment. “Buddy, where I come from? Shit doesn’t need to be personal to be taken seriously. If it’s _really_ just hazing, bring it on.”

“Just hazing. I don’t know you well enough to hate you yet,” Jimmy said. And honestly, Dean appreciated it. It wasn’t fake or rude, just… truthful. He kinda missed the days when hazing consisted of making your teammates streak across campus or other equally dumb shit, but as long as he knew the score, he could deal. 

“Speakin’ of which… how is it even possible that I’m the only new guy? I thought a school had to offer like 200 scholarships or some crazy shit to be D1.” 

Jimmy shrugged. “As far as I know, that’s across all sports, and we’ve got like twenty or some crazy shit like that. I don’t know or care how the bylaws work, it’s above my paygrade.” 

“Who else did you meet today, Dean?” Cas looked curious, and open to actual conversation for the first time since he’d set foot in the door, and Dean didn’t complain at all about the change in subject.

“Um, a troll... something-owski, Benny, who basically told me to get out of his way, so I don’t think that counts and the fucking Loreal hair model of a quarterback. Honestly I met most of the offense, I just ain’t that great with names.” Dean watched Cas. He knew Morningstar had some weird feelings about Cas, but did Cas feel some type of way too?

“You should see how stupid that _Loreal hair model_ looks first thing in the morning.” Jimmy cackled and Cas smacked his shoulder, prompting Jimmy to immediately stop laughing.

Dean looked between them both and then shook his head. “I’m good. He’s not my type.” 

“What _is_ your type then, Dean?” Cas spoke, but from the way Jimmy looked at him as he said it, Dean knew the thump he heard under the table was Jimmy kicking him. “Rude, James, I’m allowed to ask questions.”

“Yeah, _James.”_ Dean teased. “I like darker hair and a lot less muscles.” In any other situation he would have said chicks and left it alone, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that here, not under Cas’ gaze. He was far away from anyone he knew, starting a completely new life and it was obvious the team was gay friendly. Could he finally be himself? _Probably not._ “I’ve also only dated chicks.”

Cas nearly devoured him whole with the gaze that followed, like he was trying to read between the lines. “Yes, well... Jaskier Morningstar is decidedly _not_ a chick.” 

Jimmy rolled his eyes. “I thought we were done talking about him unless it was about him being the best college QB this side of Texas?”

“We _are,_ I’m not the one that keeps bringing him up.”

“Noted.” Dean turned back to his dinner, wondering why the hell they specifically wouldn’t talk about Jask. Did Jask hit on Cas and the feelings aren’t mutual? Is Cas straight? Dean’s gaydar was mediocre, at best. Jimmy could be the gay one for all he knew. He _is_ the one that commented on his hair in the morning. Too many possibilities came to mind and he considered flat out asking but again, he was just too new here to be pushy.

~~~~

Dean quickly learned why Garth said Benny was a teddy bear. By the second day of working out, he came over to spot Dean and they were soon talking about their homes. No one had even asked about where he came from but Benny, so it was nice to talk about it, even if he did get a little homesick. Benny wasn’t from the best neighborhood either, so they quickly bonded over growing up in that environment. It wasn’t until they were outside going for a run that Dean got the balls to finally ask. “So uh... what’s up with Jask and Jimmy’s brother, Cas?”

Benny side-eyed him and then looked straight ahead. “Nothin’ anymore, far as I know. They broke up right after we lost the Sugar Bowl last year. Didn’t surprise me much, honestly. Weirdest match I’ve ever seen.”

“Yeah, no shit.” _Okay, so Cas_ was _gay. And he actually dated Jask… and_ **_Jask_ ** _is Cas’ type..._ Dean didn’t have a chance... not that he wanted one, or was going to try... or... whatever.

“Yeah, I’m not sure if Jask will _ever_ stop tryin’ to get that little weirdo back. Shame about it, though. Kid used to be our biggest fan, still kinda is for Jimmy. But he used to tag along to all our team dinners and shit, and that boy is a _world_ of strange, but he’s a good time once you get to know him. He up and quit comin’, though.” Benny shrugged and turned the corner, forcing Dean to follow.

Dean made a _huh_ noise and continued running. “He’s not _that_ strange, not really.”

“Says the guy that’s known him, what, two days? Just give it a minute, brotha.”

“Yeah, but I _live_ with him. He’s just into his own shit. Back home hardly anyone took football as seriously as me so I had to surround myself with all types of people. I know weird, Cas ain’t it.”

Benny gave him a look that suggested he thought Dean was full of shit, but didn’t say much else as they started heading back toward the locker rooms. When they finally slowed to a stop, however, Benny stopped him. “Hey, uh... I don’t know what you’re into or _not_ into, but just... be careful. That’s a whole big mess. I’d keep your distance if I were you.”

“What do you mean? Just wanted to know a little more about the dude I lived with. I’ll keep as far a distance as I can, which is across the damn hall.” Dean shrugged and walked away, heading inside the locker room with a frown.

What Benny said didn’t even hit Dean until he was showered and walking home. _I don’t know what you’re into… Why the fuck would he say that? Isn’t it obvious I’m into chicks? I was just curious about who I lived with. Fuck! Why the fuck did I ask!!_

To convince himself further, Dean spotted a really pretty chick walking alone and put on his most charming smile as they approached each other. “Hey there gorgeous, heading to campus?” 

She blushed and giggled, letting Dean know he already had her where he needed her. “Yes. I’m taking the summer off before sophomore year but my best friend is taking a summer class. I was going to surprise her with lunch.” He noticed her British - or maybe Australian - accent and couldn’t help but be slightly intrigued. 

He also hadn’t asked her for all that information but it gave him another idea. “Surprise, huh? So, she doesn’t know you were coming? As in, you could get lunch with me instead?” He flashed his pearly white teeth when her blush deepened. 

“I… yeah. I can.” She giggled again.

“Name’s Dean. You?” He held out his hand and shook hers softly.

“Bela.” 

“Bela. Your accent is hot, I could listen to you all day.” _But I’d rather hear Cas’ deep gravelly… what? No, go back to Bela._ “I was heading home to drop off my bag, we can meet somewhere or you can come with, up to you.” He knew what she wanted before she even answered.

“I’m game.” She shrugged and twirled her hair. “You play football?”

_Great._ She was probably going down the damn roster but today was her lucky day because Dean _needed_ to get laid. Specifically by a chick. 

They started walking together and they talked about football and what position he played. She actually surprised him by knowing a decent amount about the game. When they approached the house, she knew whose house it was and asked if Jimmy was home. “You guys didn’t…” Dean wasn’t sure how to ask.

“Oh no, he and my friend hooked up. I wouldn’t do that.” Bela stepped inside when Dean pushed open the door. “Where is _your_ room?” 

Dean hesitated a moment and listened to see if anyone was home. He didn’t hear anything so he figured it was safe. “It’s that way to the right.” Dean let her walk in front and looked at her ass. 

He’d always had the ability to appreciate a woman’s body and had stuck exclusively to women for sex, but no one had a clue what he really pictured in the act or the type of porn he preferred to watch. 

Bela wasted no time turning and pulling him in for a kiss and tugging at his pants. 

Dean was single, _straight,_ and hadn’t been laid in over a week. Bela was hot and willing, why not? He lifted her up with ease and carried her to the bed.

~~~~

The fact that Dean took a while to come had _nothing_ to do with the fact that he kept thinking of Cas and Jask. Okay, maybe it did. He tried picturing Jask and Cas together and that wasn’t good, he almost lost his boner completely, which was weird. He loved gay porn. He then pictured Jask under him instead of Bela and that definitely went better, but still wasn’t great. It wasn’t until he gave in and pictured his gorgeous roommate that he finally got into it. _Holy shit, Cas is gay. Cas. Is. Gay._ Dean pictured what it would be like to fuck Cas and how he would sound moaning Dean’s name. Dean flipped Bela, letting her ride him and when he pictured himself bouncing on Cas and riding his cock he instantly came. _Hard._

He was pretty sure Bela got off too - or, she faked it for his sake - but he had completely tuned her out by that point. 

He had just imagined himself bottoming for Cas and came so hard he got a cramp in his baby toe. Dean was completely and utterly _fucked._

She was ready to go in a couples minutes and Dean was thankful he didn’t have to kick her out. “Let’s do that again sometime, big boy.” She pulled the door open and paused. “Oh! Hey, Cas. I was just leaving.”

_Fuck!_

**Castiel**

_One day, I will be able to walk to my own bedroom again without seeing Dean Winchester in a compromising position. Fucking hell._

“Bela, it’s… good to see you.” Cas averted his gaze as Dean was very, very naked on the bed. It wasn’t until after he looked away that he realized he should’ve at least peeked, just this once. 

She smiled slyly but knowingly at Cas. “Sorry, sweetie. Seems like this one bats for _my_ team. I’m sure I’ll see you again soon.” 

All he could do was nod as she walked away, and then Cas moved more quickly than he had in ages. He set down his books from his _History of Ancient and Medieval Art_ class as he heard Dean shuffling around in his room. Cas wasn’t due to start his shift at the Poughkeepsie Student Center for another three hours, but the thought of facing Dean at that moment wasn’t appealing. 

As it was, he couldn’t get out fast enough. He ran smack into a half-dressed Dean as he ducked out of his room. 

“We need motion sensors on these doors.” Dean grinned, and he still had that gorgeous after-orgasm flush. The site of it made Cas’ chest ache, it had been entirely too long since he’d gotten laid and it was borderline cruel how good Dean looked like that. 

“I’m sorry, Dean, I’d love to stay and chat about your very first Helltown conquest, but I’m late for work. I only stopped by to drop my books off. I hope I didn’t interrupt.” He tried to make eye contact, he really did, but his gaze never made it higher than Dean’s stupidly well-sculpted chest. The urge to run his fingers over the hard lines and gentle curves was nearly too much to overcome, so he cleared his throat and walked toward the door. 

Dean said something else that Cas didn’t quite catch, and he darted out the front door. Maybe he’d grab lunch or something before starting work, or with any luck, he’d just be able to start his shift early. Paying for three semesters a year wasn’t cheap even with his academic scholarships, and he needed all the hours he could get. 

But of course, he’d left the house so fast he hadn’t bothered to grab his wallet. Or his phone, or fucking _anything_ that would be of use to him for the next three hours, and he was turned down on starting his shift early. 

He decided to hang out in the center. There wasn’t a whole lot to do, especially on your own and with absolutely nothing with you but your clothes that all of a sudden felt too tight and awkward. He signed in to one of the computers and mindlessly clicked around the internet until a warm, too-familiar hand landed on his shoulder. 

“Castiel?”

_I can’t fucking go anywhere anymore. Maybe I should have stayed in class._

“Jaskier.” Cas heaved a sigh and turned, staring at Jask’s meaty hand on his shoulder until he finally moved it. “I’m a little busy, so if you wouldn’t mind…”

Jask looked over at the computer screen and saw evidence that Cas wasn’t busy at all, but as usual, he was too polite to point it out. “Sorry, I just wanted to ask how you were doing. I haven’t seen you around in a few weeks.”

“I’m good, classes are good, although I’ve only had the one so far. Yes, I have a new roommate, no, I don’t know much about him, Jimmy’s great although I’m sure you know that and yes, you heard correctly, my guinea pig died. I’m fine, though, so there’s no need to discuss it.” Cas blinked at Jask, hoping he’d recognize that he wasn’t really in the mood for drawn out small talk, especially with him. 

“Are you ever gonna forgive me, Castiel?”

On one hand, the fact that Jaskier was the only one to bother to call him by his full name still sent warmth spreading slowly through his body. Looking up at him now with his broad muscles, long hair and needy eyes… Cas nearly considered it. He blamed that momentary lapse of reason on his disappointment that his off-limits roommate was into trashy women and shook his head. “It’s not about forgiving you, Jaskier. I think I did that a long time ago, it just…. doesn’t mean I want to be with you again. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” Cas tilted his head back toward his screen, and Jask finally seemed to recognize the dismissal.

“Yeah, of course. Sorry I bugged you.” Jask walked away, and Cas caught a couple of girls in Jask’s year staring at them. 

_Even if he didn’t want me, he probably still wouldn’t want you. Get over it._ He smiled politely at them and turned back to his computer to continue killing time until his shift started. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whelve;  
> [to bury something deep; to hide]


	3. Hintergedanken

_“You can get lost pretending to be someone you’re not.”_

\- Karen Hawkins

**Jimmy**

Jimmy thought the new kid was alright _._ If he wasn’t here to steal his spot on the field, he might actually like him. He wasn’t surprised he got with Bela, the dude was good looking enough. Even someone as straight as Jimmy could admit that and he saw how chicks - and dudes apparently - looked at the guy. 

Cas had obviously added him to his spank bank but that was his own business, especially if he didn’t act on it and Dean hooking up with a hot chick helped ease Jimmy a bit. He didn’t want another jock hurting his little bro, or a repeat of… _last time._

Dean didn’t know Bela, or any of these Ohio broads, but when they hooked up with a football player… it was anything _but_ a secret. Bela walked straight over with her friends and bragged about how _great_ the new guy was. So, naturally, Jimmy rushed home that evening to get the details from Dean.

“Dean, you here?” He dropped his duffel near the door and kicked off his shoes. He’d showered after his workout so at least he was clean, but he was _starving._ “Winchester!”

“What?!” Dean walked out in just some hot dog pajama pants, stuffing his face with a giant sandwich.

Jimmy wrinkled his nose. “Alright Scooby Doo, where’s mine?” 

“There’s leftover Los Gallos for you in the fridge!” Cas called out from his bedroom. 

Fucking _score._ “Thanks bro, get your ass out here! I think Winchester’s got some news for us!” 

Cas shuffled out from his room as Jimmy dug around the fridge for his food.

Dean paused his chewing and stared at Jimmy a second. “Dean has what now?” He asked, clearly confused.

“Don’t you wanna share with the class how you managed to bag Bela Talbot?” He leaned against the counter and crossed his ankles, taking a bite of a cold burrito. Almost instantly, he could see Cas stiffen. “I’ve been tryin’ to bang that girl for months but she wouldn’t come near me. How’d you do it?”

“Maybe I’m just better looking than you.” Dean grinned and took another huge bite of his sandwich.

Jimmy barked a laugh. “You wish. Have you seen us?” He tipped his head toward Cas, who was now curled up on the couch with a book and pointedly ignoring them.

_“Us?_ You two don’t look that much alike to me.“ He took another bite. “Did she tell the whole damn school already?”

“Pretty much.” Jimmy shrugged. “She said you were a damn good lay, but don’t get used to that. She’s one of the only ones I _haven’t_ already boned, and if we end up crossing streams you’ll be second best. Take the praise while you can.” He winked and polished off his burrito, glancing toward Cas to thank him but he had his earbuds in.

Dean laughed a little louder than necessary. “You seem to think you can do everything better than me. You’re a pretty good safety, but _this_ is one thing I _know_ I have on you and I’m _not_ worried about competition. Although, you seem to be.”

Jimmy cocked his head to the side. “Oh yeah? Put your dick where your mouth is, Winchester. Two weeks, starting now. We’ll see which one of us can get laid more times _and_ get better reviews, how bout that?”

“Gonna have to stock up on condoms but you’re on, Novak. Don’t come home crying when your ego is wounded.” He grinned again and popped the last of his sandwich in his mouth, before walking over to plop on the couch next to Cas and pulling out his cellphone. “Any rules? They gotta go to HU?”

Cas barely glanced up at Dean when he sat down, and Jimmy chuckled. “Nope, no rules other than you can’t fuck the same girl twice once the two weeks starts. And, you should be grateful we’re not including Cas over here. If he wasn’t being such a fucking hermit, he’d wipe the floor with both of us without ever touching a single chick.” 

_That_ got his twin’s attention. Cas pulled out one of his earbuds. “What about me being a Hobbit?”

“Hermit, Cas. I said _hermit.”_

Dean chuckled. “Sure he would. And Cas, this isn’t Shire talk, whole different kinda quest.”

“Right, the only ring you two should be worried about is Nuva. I think you’re both morons, but...” Cas smiled lightly at Dean, “it’s good to know I’m not the only one in this house that likes Lord of the Rings.”

“Hah!” Jimmy said. “I knew you were listening.”

Cas glared at him, which was honestly kind of adorable - he wasn’t wearing his glasses (the moron hardly ever did) so the squint was only slightly more pronounced. “I wasn’t trying to, I just don’t think either of you understand the concept of an ‘inside voice.’ Which, by the way, means I’ll be spending the next two weeks with Kevin. Or, in that cave off Route 6... really anywhere that doesn’t involve me having to listen to you two grunt overtop of cheerleaders every night.”

“If it helps, I don’t plan on focusing on cheerleaders. Those are bound to happen, but I like variety.” Dean stood up and walked over to grab water from the fridge and returned to his spot by Cas.

Jimmy watched as Cas curled his legs up to his chest and lowered his eyes. _For fuck’s sake, this is gonna be a disaster._ “Suit yourself, if you’d rather disappoint a wide variety of women... who am I to tell you no?”

“Did Bela _sound_ disappointed? I mean I wasn’t even around, she coulda said anything. Plus, Cas was here at the end, I’m sure he heard how _not_ disappointed she was.” Dean nudged Cas with his elbow and winked.

“I’m moving to the moon, Lebanon isn’t far enough.” Cas pushed Dean back with an eye roll. 

“If the dorms across campus aren’t enough distance for you little bro, you’re probably shit outta luck.” 

_“Two_ minutes, James. Two.”

Jimmy grinned, he’d been baiting Cas and like always, he delivered. “Hey, if that’s enough time for Dean here to get off, it’s enough time to make you my _little_ brother.” He laughed with his tongue hanging out and Cas looked expectantly at Dean. 

“I didn’t realize you’d just started when I walked in the door earlier.” Cas had a single eyebrow raised, and all the fun got sucked out of it for Jimmy. That was his tell, it was always his tell. His brother definitely had the hots for the guy gunning for his position.

Dean laughed it off. “Hey man, I’ve never heard complaints thus far, and they always come back for seconds. Bet you’ve never given a chick an orgasm in two minutes, Jimbo.”

“Why don’t you two just fuck each other? Seems to be a much more straightforward way to solve this.” Cas actually sounded a little bitter this time, so Jimmy backed off. 

“Eh, we’ll settle this argument in two weeks. As for me? I’m gonna go get started.” Jimmy winked at Dean and then took off out the door. 

**Castiel**

Dean got up and stood there awkwardly for a second. “Maybe this is cheating, but you think he’ll get more than one a day?”

_Why in the name of everything precious in this world is this happening to me?_ “I don’t know, Dean. I don’t keep a black book with his... engagements. There’s usually three or four a week in and out of here, but that’s when he’s doing it for fun - not when he wants to prove a point. We can be a little obsessive sometimes.”

“We? Huh. Alright, guess I should get on that then.” Dean turned and went to his room.

Cas sighed as he slid his earbud back in, wondering if it was legal to remove your twin brother from your Christmas list. Of all the irritating things Jimmy had done, this probably topped it. He wasn’t remotely surprised that Jimmy was trying to show dominance both on and off the field, that was one thing they _absolutely_ had in common - Cas just chose to exercise _his_ desire for dominance in different ways… or, at least he used to. 

He wasn’t entirely sure who Dean thought he’d find while locked in his own bedroom, but he certainly wasn’t about to help him out. This was childish and exactly the reason college guys got a bad reputation. 

He shot a text to Kevin, asking if he could move in with him until his brother and roommate were done with their pissing match, but Kevin said no. Cas should’ve seen that coming, Kevin’s dorm room was already cramped and their friend Samadriel was freeloading. 

It was just two weeks, right? It would be… fine. 

~~~~

It was _not_ fine. Dean’s room was too close to his and the walls were so thin he could hear Dean clearing his throat, which just meant that when he brought home girl #3, no amount of mental calculus in the world could drown out the noises. 

He rolled onto his stomach, closing his eyes and wondering what he did to deserve this level of punishment. Not only did the nameless female sound like she was having the time of her life, but Dean sounded… _God, that’s the hottest noise I’ve ever heard._ The steady sound of knocking slowly got faster, and then a little erratic. _Shit, he’s gonna -_ Cas covered his ears and started loudly _la la la-ing,_ but it didn’t matter. He heard it. 

He’d never _un_ hear it. 

That sound would haunt his own orgasms for the rest of his life. 

Cas was so hard it was actually painful, but he knew he couldn’t do a damn thing about it. If the first two scenarios were indicative of a pattern, the girl would be leaving within five minutes and Dean would be knocking on his door in six. Somehow, Cas had become the damn referee. 

Sure enough, he heard a… pretty passionate goodbye, the sound of the front door, and then knocking much closer to him. 

“Yes, Dean, I get it. That’s three for you and two for Jimmy, and I believe she gave you an A.” He yelled the words and squeezed his eyes shut, pulling the blanket up to cover himself and hoping to all the gods that Dean didn’t come in. 

He didn’t, but by that point, the moment was lost. As much as he couldn’t stop thinking about the way Dean sounded, he also couldn’t forget the sound of his very _female_ companion. 

~~~~

The rest of the week went pretty much the same. His schedule became pretty routine… class, work, trying to ignore the sounds, and going to bed frustrated. Thankfully, they’d stopped having Cas keep track and as soon as he saw a girl walking anywhere near the house, he either left entirely or disappeared into his room. He honestly had no idea who was winning anymore, and he didn’t care.

When Saturday morning rolled around, Cas got up early enough - or, what he _thought_ was early enough - to grab some coffee and read through their first summer edition of _The Helltown Grimoire,_ but when he puttered out into the kitchen rubbing his eyes, Dean was already sitting there. 

“Where’s Jimmy?” His voice came out gravelly and sleep-wrecked, and Dean looked at him for a moment like he’d never seen him before. 

“Dunno, he was pulling on his pants and racing outta here like his ass was on fire when I got up.”

Cas’ brain was still fuzzy, but there were only two reasons Jimmy _ever_ got up this early. Football, and girls. “Oh.” 

Dean cleared his throat. “You uh, catchin’ a cold?”

“No, I always sound like this in the morning. It won’t be as bad after I wake up a little bit.” He walked over to the counter and picked up the pot of coffee, pouring himself a cup and breathing in the rich aroma.

Dean smiled a little. “Coffee is probably the best thing to exist today. And I’m _including_ chicks.”

_Not even 10 am yet and he already ruined my day. Oh well, time to go on the offensive._ “You should try men, then. I promise, they’re better than coffee.”

Dean’s jaw dropped a little and he blushed, revealing perfect freckles. “Nah, I... uh...” he took a bite of cereal and choked slightly.

“I didn’t mean it, you don’t actually _have_ to try men. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable, I understand that not everyone is...” Cas trailed off, it was too early in the morning for him to have the energy to placate other people. _If Dean wasn’t comfortable with me being gay, maybe he should’ve asked more than two questions before he moved in._ “I take that back, I don’t apologize. If I have to listen to the two of you fuck your way through Helltown, I’m allowed to make whatever comments I want.” Cas was proud of how nonchalantly that came out. After all, Dean was entitled to be uncomfortable about whatever the hell he wanted to be uncomfortable about.

“No, your uh... fine. Not uncomfortable. Are you uncomfortable? I’m comfortable.” He stood up and bumped the table with his knee and cursed under his breath. “I’ll just...” Dean pointed at his room and then walked halfway before turning back again and pointing at his bowl. “I gotta...” He pointed at the sink and began to wash his dish.

It was official, Dean was even more beautiful when he was flustered. If it wasn’t for the fact that Cas was now convinced Dean had never seen a gay person before, he might’ve found it endearing. “I’ll stop. I’m sorry, did you want to go back to talking about your competition with my brother? Are you winning?”

“What?” He looked up and his bowl slipped out of his hands, falling into the sink with a clatter. “Oh, no, I don’t think I am. I think this one puts him in the lead.”

Cas stepped closer to Dean to pick the bowl up and inspect it. It wasn’t cracked, which was good because they honestly didn’t have that many. He was aware of how incredibly close they were but he refused to move, he simply started slowly washing the bowl. “Hmm. So, what you’re telling me is that you’re losing.”

**Dean**

Dean’s heart was beating so loud he was sure Cas could hear and he hated to imagine the shade of pink he was if the heat in his ears was any indication. _Play it cool, everything is cool._ Except it was anything _but_ cool. 

They were so close he could feel Cas’ body heat and yet it still wasn’t close enough. He imagined Cas was better than coffee but quickly pushed those thoughts away and cleared his throat for what felt like the eightieth time. “Yeah, I felt bad for the guy. Let him think he has a chance.”

Cas slowly lifted his gaze until all Dean could see were giant, brilliantly blue eyes. He’d been wrong that first day, the glasses only seemed to magnify them. Maybe it was a good thing he hardly ever saw him in them. “That’s nice of you, Dean, but don’t underestimate Jimmy. We have a way of getting what we want, no matter what.”

“Is that so? When’s the last time you got laid, Cas?” Dean wanted to move away but he couldn’t, maybe if Cas would look away he could but with those intense eyes, he didn’t stand a chance. “Don’t tell me it was that Loreal tool?”

“It was, and Jaskier isn’t a tool. He’s just...” Cas lowered his head and seemed to realize he was still scrubbing Dean’s cereal bowl, because he abruptly stopped. “But this is exactly what I want, Dean. Do you think I don’t get offers?”

“Not at all. I think you’d have more offers than me.” _Why did I say that_ ? “Good for you, man. I’ll probably take a break soon, too.” _Shuut uuuup!_

Cas scoffed quietly but smiled. “Right, because you’re planning on fucking every girl that’ll have you in the next week and a half.” His gaze drifted down to Dean’s chest and he took a deep breath, then moved away to dry his hands and refill his coffee. “Lucky them.” he added, and then the fucker disappeared out the side door.

“Is that so?” Dean followed Cas out. “You mean you’d give up celibacy for lil ol’ me?” He flashed his most charming smile possible.

His eyes were even brighter in the morning sun. “I don’t think that’s what I said. Is it too early in the day for your meatheaded brain to register sarcasm?” Cas grinned, taking the bite right out of the words.

“No shit. I was calling your bluff.” Dean was in over his head. Normally he could make chicks bend to his every will. Not Cas. He looked for an escape before Cas could respond and pulled the door like a dumbass before pushing in.

He heard Cas chuckle behind him and mutter, "was it a bluff?" but chose to ignore it and ran to the safety of his room. 

_Okay, what the fuck…_ Dean leaned against the inside of his door. _Why the fuck did you follow him outside? Why is he outside? Coffee on the porch actually sounds nice. Fuck, focus. The dude thinks you’re a fucking weirdo because he’s gay. But that isn’t it at all, in fact it’s the fucking opposite._ Dean walked over to his long mirror and looked at his reflection. “I’m g…” He sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Dean Winchester is ga…” _Fuck._ He plopped on his bed and hid from his own reflection. 

He couldn’t say it. 

Even just to himself. 

~~~~

It had been seven days since the damn competition started and Dean was already drained of it. He wouldn’t back down though, that wasn’t the Winchester way. 

He had a threesome last night and as fun as _that_ was, he was still regretting starting this. Dean was in the lead _and_ he had a “date” that night with a chick that worked in the student center. He wondered if she knew Cas... _Why did everything go back to fucking, Cas?_

Dean walked into the kitchen after a good workout, covered in sweat but he needed some water before he took a shower, and wasn’t surprised the twins were raiding the fridge as well. They stopped talking when he walked in and he glanced between them. “Didn’t mean to interrupt, just grabbing some water.” 

“You didn’t.” Cas said as he eyed Dean’s glimmering shoulders. Dean looked away, he knew he looked good and it didn’t mean Cas _liked_ him. No harm in looking.

Jimmy interrupted his thoughts: “Surprised you aren’t fucking someone right now.”

“Ooo, is that jealousy I hear? Getting worried, Novak?”

“Not even a little. Still a week left, bro.” 

Dean huffed a laugh and chugged some water, letting out a groan when he stopped. “I’m just getting started. Sure you don’t wanna stop now? The longer we go the more embarrassing that gap will be.” 

“Do _I_ wanna stop?? No way, you’re not getting out that easy, you peaked last night.” 

“Peaked?” Dean made a pfft noise. 

“Need a little break, Winchester?” Jimmy teased more.

“My dick is sore as fuck but I’m no quitter.” Dean winked and walked to the bathroom for his shower. 

**Castiel**

“They found _another_ body,” Kevin said in a hushed voice, his nose pressed so closely to his laptop, Cas honestly didn’t understand how he could read it at all. 

Helltown got its name for a reason… well, several reasons. “In the dells or the old Perry Barn?” 

“Looks like it was dropped over the End of the World.” 

The End of the World was easily the creepiest road Cas had ever ridden on. He didn’t drive, but Jimmy did, and it was one of the only roads that actually led out of town. The problem wasn’t really the road itself, but the 700ft drop-off. There were no guardrails, nothing at all to stop a car - or apparently, a body - from free-falling seemingly to the center of the earth itself. “That’s a new one. Was it the Peninsula Python?” He grinned, and Kevin bitchfaced him. The Python was an urban legend, supposedly created from toxic waste at the landfill. 

“No,” Kevin said. “It wasn’t Nagini’s creepy, bioluminescent older brother. But! Speaking of the Perry Barn, we should take the telescopes out there tonight. It’s a full moon, and that rickety hunk of wood is far enough away from the city lights that we should have an incredible view.” 

“Sounds a hell of a lot better than listening to Dean and Jimmy fuck.” 

His friend’s head whipped around so fast he nearly toppled out of the chair. His voice was squeaky as he asked, “Dean and Jimmy are what-ing?” 

Cas laughed. “Gods, I hope not. They’re having some stupid, juvenile, piggish contest to see which one of them can get laid more often - and get the best reviews - in two weeks. We’re on day 9, and I don’t think I can take much more of it.” 

Kevin righted his chair. “You should leave them a _Yelp_ review. ‘0/10, don’t recommend either one of them.” 

_The problem is, I highly recommend one of them… and the other is my twin._ “That would be amusing, although I’m not sure either of them even knows what _Yelp_ is. But I’m absolutely agreeing to stargazing, if your offer was serious.” 

It was, but Cas’ telescope was at home. He told Kevin he’d be back around dusk to ride with him over to the barn and was walking back across campus when Jimmy called. 

“I’ll be back in two minutes, but I’m not staying long.” 

“Yeah, yeah, great. Hey, can you swing by the Hunter’s Wing and grab my bag? I walked off without it and I need to do laundry or I’ll be wearing last week’s socks to tomorrow’s workout.” 

Cas grimaced. “Of course, I can’t have you literally stinking up the Novak reputation. You caught me just in time, I’m walking right past it. I was coming from Lebanon.” 

Jimmy thanked him and hung up, and Cas made a hard left toward the locker room. The building wasn’t locked, it never was. Some of the players and even coaches kept odd hours in the summer thanks to partially loaded schedules, so he got in without a problem. 

He hadn’t been there in a while and had no idea where Jimmy’s locker actually was, so he started looking around for his nameplate. It was darker than hell, and after slamming his shin against a bench not once but twice, he fumbled along the wall for the light switch. When the room was illuminated, he noticed the white board had a bunch of tally marks all over it. 

  


There was a list of names below that, and Cas didn’t recognize a majority of them. Jask’s handwriting was clear, and that meant most likely, the other writing was Dean’s. _Oh good, they brought the entire team in on their competition._

He couldn’t stop staring at the ten tally marks under Dean’s name. _Ten. In nine days. Even with the… well, even with_ **_that,_ ** _he had been a couple behind…_

Cas sat down on the bench across from the board, unable to look away. Something inside of his chest ached at what he saw, but that was stupid. Dean was straight, they were nothing but roommates, and they barely even knew each other to boot, but… 

Why did it hurt so bad? Maybe it was just another reminder to him that football players cared more about their reputations than they did actual human connections. As if he _needed_ anymore evidence in that category. 

Dean was beautiful in the way that few things were. Cas hadn’t missed the scars decorating his torso that day he’d run into him after a shower, and even still, they did nothing to tarnish him. He wanted to map out those scars with his tongue, ask questions until he knew where every single one of them came from… and yet, he didn’t even know where _Dean_ came from. 

Here he was, face crumpled and shoulders slumped staring at a few black marks on a whiteboard, and he didn’t know the first thing about Dean other than how he sounded when he came and what he looked like first thing in the morning. So what if he looked better than anything he’d seen during his elective art classes? Even the lovechild of the sun itself and sex had a story, and Cas suddenly felt like an asshole for not knowing it. 

He heaved a sigh and stood up, brushing his thumb over the edge of one of the lines to even it out. “Maybe I’m no better than you are.” 

The sound of the door opening behind him made him jerk, and he quickly walked over to Jimmy’s locker and grabbed his bag, ducking out the side entrance before anyone saw him. 

~~~~

Kevin parked his shitty little car and Cas got out, lugging his telescope and his camera behind him. The barn was creepy and dilapidated, but nearly everything in Helltown was. Prior to the Harlo’s gaining back the land fifteen years ago, the whole town was basically burnt rubble and boarded up buildings. Not many of the original structures still stood, but they were about to break into one of the few that was. 

Cas picked the lock with the kit Jimmy had gotten him personalized for their birthday and stepped inside, clicking on his flashlight and checking out the inside of the building. “This place is seriously cool.” 

“Yeah, but don’t tell anyone that. Knowing your brother, he’ll start throwing parties here.” 

Although he didn’t mind parties in the slightest, he knew Kevin wasn’t a big drinker - and he was right. Jimmy would have that place packed full of drunken idiots within an hour, and Cas could picture the half-rotten wood splintering and giving out. 

He walked over to the far side of the barn to where the horse stalls were and gingerly stepped inside of one, testing the dutch window. If he was oriented right, this would be the best place to set up his telescope. The wood gave way easier than he’d expected and it opened up with a groan. Cas took a moment to enjoy the view even without the magnifier, snapped a picture, and then got to work. 

Kevin was somewhere to his left, doing the same thing. “I can’t get the ascension axis balanced, can you help?” 

Once Cas was sure his was ready to acclimatize, he helped Kevin and then they sat back and waited for their telescopes to actually be ready for use. Kevin had his phone out and was trying to take pictures of the barn, but the only picture Cas had in his head was that stupid whiteboard. _I still have five days left. Maybe I should start a rumor that they both have chlamydia… no, no… most of these girls are so braindead they’d probably_ **_still_ ** _get laid._

When Cas finally crouched down in front of his telescope to gaze at the stars, he put Dean Winchester as far out of his mind as possible. 

Which... turned out not to be very far at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hintergedanken  
> [To know something to be true, but not able to admit it//an ulterior motive]
> 
> (Thank you to asimpleplot for clarifying the definition 🙂)


	4. Sayang

_ “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”  _

\- Maya Angelou

**Dean**

Dean walked in the locker room to tell Jask to add to the tally, but could see he had already added the name. “Seriously? I just came from her dorm!”  _ How the fuck did news travel so damn fast at this school? _

“You should know how this town is by now, Winchester. She already gave you a positive review and Jimmy already knows, he’s out there running it off. He hasn’t gotten ass in two days,” Jask laughed obnoxiously.

“Told him he could back out at any time. Dude’s digging his own grave.” Dean began to change into his workout clothes and saw Jask’s eyes travel down his torso. “You wanna picture or somethin’?” Dean said abrasively as he shrugged on a tank top.

“Didn’t think you’d be willing, I’ll go grab my phone.” Jask walked over and ruffled Dean’s hair with a wide grin.

“Pass.” Dean turned away, hoping Jask wouldn’t see his blush and was thankful when he walked away. He almost envied Jask for being so confident in himself and openly bisexual. His attitude was surely why it wasn’t a big deal on this team. Back in highschool, a kid came out of the closet, was jumped and then kicked off the team. Here, it was as if no one cared what your sexuality was and there was something amazing about that dynamic. 

Not that Dean was bi. He wasn’t. Or was he?

He enjoyed sex with women, that much was obvious. But was it the same if all you pictured was dudes while you fucked them? Did that still fall under the “bisexual” category? Not like Dean could ask Jask, or anyone for that matter.

When he really thought about it, he could probably ask Cas. Dean just knew he could trust him and Cas would never repeat it, but he wouldn’t. How was he expected to talk about this shit out loud when he could hardly  _ think _ it to himself without having an aneurysm.

“Sup brotha, wanna hit them weights?” Benny shook him out of his reverie.

“Yes, please.”  _ Anything to push away these fucking thoughts. _

“Please? You don’t gotta beg now.” He teased and followed Dean to the weight benches. “What’s eatin’ you?”

Dean walked behind to spot for Benny as he laid down on the bench. “Nothing.”

“Nothin’ huh? If you say so.” He gripped the bar and lifted. “You ever decide it  _ is  _ somethin’, I’m here. And I don’t run my mouth like these chicks.”

Dean huffed a laugh and held his hands out as Benny’s safety net as he began his reps. He didn’t say anything else about it, because what even was there to say? They worked out in silence a while, before they started talking football and all was forgotten.

Three more days of this dumb competition and Dean was taking a break, his dick - and the fantasies he used to make it function - needed a nap.

~~~~

Technically, the competition was over days ago when Dean pulled ahead by multiple chicks, but on the  _ official  _ last day, Jimmy was a fucking grouch. He went three days with nothing and tried to change the rules and say they could double dip to get a point but everyone teased him for that. The last two days, Jimmy got three chicks - not at the same time - and brought his total to eleven. Dean tried to be humble about his whopping seventeen conquests but he couldn’t help it. Jimmy needed to be taken down a notch and it was nice to feel like a part of the team, even if it was for an entirely  _ different  _ skill set.

For the first time, he felt like people were giving him a real chance and more people were taking an interest in who he was as a person. Seemed like most people were curious about where he came from… except for Cas. 

Cas had stayed away most of these two weeks and generally avoided Dean at home and at school. It made Dean feel like he didn’t like him, and for some reason, it bothered him more than anything. He didn’t really give a shit what people thought about him, that was just the mentality that he grew up with, but he definitely cared if Cas did. And every time Dean walked out of his room and Cas rushed back into his... his chest tightened. 

_ No shit he doesn’t like you. You’re just like his brother, like his ex, like every cliche college football player. At what point in your life are you going to be who the hell you  _ want _ to be, instead of what everyone expects you to be? _

His mask was slowly becoming as heavy as the weights he pressed every day. 

Although the tally total was known, they still insisted on a party that weekend to announce the winner and Dean was actually excited. Not for the dumb announcement, but for the party. 

It had been too long since he relaxed with a glass of whiskey. Back home, the corner stores never checked your ID but here?  _ Pfft,  _ Dean had already been banned from one market for trying to buy booze and being underage. 

~~~~~

Jask stood on a metal cooler, clearing his throat and holding an empty beer bottle as a microphone for the announcement. Everyone was pretty buzzed already after a few rounds of beer pong, but quieted down for their quarterback. “We gather here today, to crown the victor of the Helltown Horndogs competition. Dean, join me on my cooler.”

“No way, man, that shit will break. We all know I’m bigger than you.” He winked, hoping his innuendo was clear.

It was.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Jask joked, winking back and Dean noticed Cas get up and make his way back inside the house. He was actually surprised Cas said he didn’t care if Jask came over or not and had assumed Cas was just over him. Now? Dean was thinking he wasn’t. Maybe Cas thought tonight would bring them back together? And why did that bother Dean so bad? “Back to the announcement. You won by six beautiful women, most of whom are here today.” The chicks cheered behind him, as if he was some prize they got. Normally Dean would get an ego boost, but not tonight, he was just happy this bullshit was over. He smiled though, playing it cool. 

“And now I’m taking two weeks off, sorry ladies.” They made a playful  _ aww  _ noise but he wasn’t joking. And two weeks was the  _ minimum. _

“Jimmy, Dean… ha! JimmyDean! Why didn’t we call this the _JimmyDean Sausage_ _competition?_ Come on guys, we dropped the ball here.” Everyone laughed, because _that_ was actually funny.

“Anyway.” Jask continued after moving his hair behind his ears. “Jimmy, do you have anything to say?” He held his bottle out for Jimmy to talk into.

Jimmy scoffed. “I let him win.” 

Everyone laughed again and Dean rolled his eyes. “Is that so?”

“Yup. You’re new, thought I’d be nice. Plus, you’re the shiny new toy, it really wasn’t fair.”

Dean grinned wider. “Which is it, did you let me win? Or did I win unfairly?”

Jask was putting the bottle back in forth between them and making dumb hypeman noises in the background. 

Jimmy shrugged. “I let you win. Double or nothing,” he challenged.

“With that, you can fuck  _ yourself. _ I’m retiring.” Dean waved it off.

Jask brought the beer to his mouth. “You know how we settle this right?” They both looked at him, confused. “Does anyone have a ruler??” 

Jimmy laughed and pushed him off the cooler. “You’re just dying to know our dick sizes. You know he asked Cas if twins have identical cocks?” Jimmy shook his head. “Spoiler alert, we don’t.” 

_ Wonder who is bigger… what? Shut up, Dean. _

“I know.” A girl they  _ both _ slept with stepped forward and Dean looked over at Jimmy, noticing he wasn’t too keen on this becoming common knowledge. He was about to tell her to stop before she spoke again. “They are both big, but Dean has maybe a half an inch on Jimmy.” She looked at Jimmy and mouthed  _ sorry. _

Everyone erupted in laughter and the announcements were over. Jimmy shrugged it off and grabbed another beer, and Dean was making his way inside to take a piss when they put a rubber crown on his head. He pulled it off and instantly dropped it when his hands were covered in lube.  _ Condoms.  _ “Fucking assholes!” But he laughed it off and made his way inside.

**Castiel**

One day, Cas would learn to tell Jimmy no. One day… but apparently not today. When he’d approached Cas and asked if it was okay to have a team party there, he didn’t really feel like he had the right to say no. It was technically Jimmy’s house, and in  _ all  _ things football, he was outnumbered 2-1. There wouldn’t have been a point in trying to fight it, even though the thought of having Jaskier in the house again set Cas’ teeth on edge. 

Not that any of that got any easier with alcohol. Especially not when Jaskier started openly flirting with Dean. As if Dean fucking  _ seventeen  _ women in two weeks wasn’t bad enough, now he had to go and suck up all the attention from everyone else, too. He was uncomfortable and a little tipsy, and knew all too well which one of them had won - he’d  _ lived  _ it. 

Cas was grateful the competition was officially over. Those last couple of days had been nearly unbearable… Jimmy was in a shit mood and no amount of cleaning in the world could purge the house of the smell of sex. He felt a little bad, looking back. On the second to last day, he’d been waiting for his dinner to be delivered and had opened the door to find yet another girl standing there. 

_ “Which one are you here for?” Cas asked with a heavy sigh.  _

_ The girl opened her mouth like she was going to answer honestly, but tilted her head and blushed. “Is ‘both’ an option?”  _

He’d slammed the door in her face, and Jimmy nearly kicked his ass for it. Apparently, he  _ ‘needed the number.’  _

Cas could hear the laughter coming from outside and looked to the ground. Last year, he would have been up there by Jask’s side, telling the jokes and balancing on that cooler just to be near him. And now he felt like a pariah, shunned to his own kitchen. 

He wasn’t an idiot, he knew he was the only one making himself feel that way - but that did little to comfort him. He grabbed another drink, tipped it back and was in the process of wiping some spillage off his chin when he heard the door open behind him. Cas turned, his heart sinking immediately when he saw who it was. 

“Oh. Hello, Dean.” 

Dean tripped slightly when he stepped in the house. “Hiya Cas.” He walked over, ungracefully, and stopped much too close. “You got somethin’ right...” Dean used the pad of his thumb to wipe Cas’ wet chin. “Got it.” He took a step back and leaned against the counter.

Breathing was difficult for a moment, but he blamed it mostly on the alcohol and the incredibly humid night.  _ Not _ on how it felt to have Dean touch him for the first time that didn’t involve playfully shoving him or running into him. Cas licked his lip and glanced through the window to the back yard. “Is this the part where I’m supposed to congratulate you?”

“Nah. I didn’t do it for the glory.” He grinned in that stupid adorable way. “Plus, you had to suffer the whole time being so close to my room, I should be congratulating  _ you _ for making it through.”

Cas had to smile, it was like Dean was ripping the damn thing right out of his body. “You’re correct, I think  _ I _ should be the star of this party. All you did was get laid... frequently.”

“It was work, don’t downplay it. I was over the chicks by day two.” He froze slightly at what he said and turned to pour himself another drink.

He watched Dean, curious about the sudden change in demeanor but didn’t think much of it. “I suppose when you’ve fucked one, you’ve fucked them all?”

“Basically.” He shot back his drink in one go and stared into his cup. “All the same. Same noises, same positions. They all want me to be rough, yet gentle and none of ‘em take control. I gotta piss.” He set his cup down and hurried off towards the bathroom.

Cas looked at the ceiling and slammed his eyes shut, begging the tequila in his system to make him forget what he’d just heard. But his brain never listened to him, and why would it start now? He was nearly overwhelmed with thoughts of taking control with Dean, of caging him against their kitchen counter, or pinning him to the mattress or tying his naked body to their study chair, or —  _ fuck, stop. Stoppit. He’s straight, and even if he isn’t he’s still off limits, not that he’d ever want me anyway. _

He took a deep breath, forgoing his cup entirely in favor of the actual bottle and his eyes darted around the house, looking for an escape. If he tried to go to his bedroom, he’d run into Dean as he came out of the bathroom. If he went outside, he’d be in the middle of a sea of drunken idiots, one of them being Jaskier.  _ For the love of all things precious in this world, where is Scotty when you need him? _

Dean came out a moment later and walked back to make another drink. He was quiet while he poured it but instead of going outside, he leaned against the counter again, taking a long slow slip of whiskey.

“You’re missing the party.”

“All the same.” He repeated, shrugging it off. “Where are you from, Cas?”

Cas blinked. It had been three full weeks and they’d never bothered asking each other this stuff, and he couldn’t fathom why Dean was choosing now, when they were both well on their way to being drunk and there was a full-blown party not fifteen feet from them supposedly in Dean’s honor. “Here. Well, a couple of hours south, but... still Ohio. Where...” he licked his lips, straightening up a little bit because he’d be damned if a meatheaded manwhore like Dean proved to be a better friend than he was. “You’re from California, right?”

Dean eyed him a second and then nodded. “Yup. Is it how I talk?”

“That has nothing to do with it, you speak the same way as every other member of your team. As you’ve learned, word travels fast around here.” Cas shrugged, hoping that was an adequate answer and he didn’t have to explain how he’d clung onto every piece of gossip about Dean that he’d heard. At least that part had been true. “And you’ve... always played football?”

“Yeah. My dad played and got injured in college so I didn’t really have a choice, but I fell for the game.” Dean took a drink. “Played since I was six. Why’d you quit?” He asked bluntly. “Heard you used to play.”

He took a moment to get very acquainted with the bottle of tequila and hissed from the burn in his throat. “I had other passions. I love football, but the pressure was ridiculous and I knew I never wanted to turn pro, so I saw very little reason to continue playing in college. Why risk injury when I could bury myself in my books and be equally as happy?” He glanced outside again, where Jask was doing a keg stand. His shirt was bunched around his neck and he allowed himself a moment to remember that glorious body, if for no other reason than to distract himself from the body right in front of him.

Dean looked outside and then back at his drink. “That makes sense. Why… never mind.”

Cas pulled his eyes back to Dean. “Speak, Dean.”

Dean clearly crumbled under his gaze and stuttered a little as he spoke. “Y-You still have feelings for him, right? Why not just... go for it?”

Of all the things he’d expected Dean to say, that wasn’t one of them. His eyes widened briefly and he glanced back out to Jask on instinct. He was silent for a long moment, replaying the events leading up to the Sugar Bowl in his mind and then spoke quietly. “He blamed me. When we lost the Sugar Bowl last year, he... he blamed me. Said I was a distraction, one he’d be better off without. He played like shit, and hell, maybe it was my fault. But hearing something like that... no amount of apologies in the world can convince me he didn’t mean it.”  _ Because he  _ **_did_ ** _ mean it, and it was true.  _

“Shit, I didn’t know that.” Dean shot back his drink but didn’t pour another. “Jocks are idiots, take it from me, I know a few.”

“You’re right, they are, and I’ve thoroughly learned my lesson.” He’d also made it to the very end of his rope with the entire evening, and all he wanted to do was go to sleep. The music was pulsing from the yard and if he knew his brother, the party would go on until morning so he doubted he’d get any actual rest but it had to be better than this. The reminder of his breakup with Jask and all the feelings of inadequacy he’d tried to bury came back up, so Cas screwed the cap back on the bottle of tequila and set it down, his shoulders slumping. “I’m going to go to bed, I have a class in the morning. Have... fun, and I’ll try not to wake you when I leave.”

“Oh, okay. Right, have a good night, Cas.” Dean went towards his own room and closed the door.

Cas followed, stopping in his own doorway and glancing back at Dean’s. He wanted to knock, to ask why Dean was ditching his own party - but it was frankly none of his business. Maybe Dean had an eighteenth girl on the way.  _ Nineteenth,  _ he mentally corrected himself.  _ It’ll be nineteen if we count Bela. _

He laid down on his bed and stared at his ceiling for what felt like a lifetime, and just as he was starting to drift off, someone knocked on his door loudly enough that he nearly fell out of his bed. 

“For fuck’s sake, Jimmy, I’m com-” He swung open the door and swallowed. 

“Jaskier?” 

**Dean**

Dean just wasn’t in the partying mood anymore and the brown liquor was making him just want to sleep the night away… or the week. He wasn’t picky. He laid on his bed with a thud and stared at the ceiling. He only got a few moments of peace before he heard a drunken ruckus entering the house.  _ Great. Hope it’s just Jimmy. _

It wasn’t.

He heard a knock on Cas’ door and sat up to listen. Dean wasn’t a  _ nosey  _ person… not really. Growing up in the Bay wasn’t for nosey people. You learn at a young age to keep to yourself and mind your damn business. But… this was  _ Cas.  _ And he was curious, sue him. He heard Cas say Jask’s name, and could hear the shock in his tone. Cas obviously didn’t want to see Jask right now, and he definitely didn’t want him knocking on his door.  _ What was this? A booty call? Fuck that.  _

Dean got up and reached his door in three strides and jerked it open. “What’s up, Jask? I was just texting my brother. I was coming back out for that shot contest we talked about.”  _ Lies. _ But he didn’t want Cas being bothered right now. “Cas has class in the morning, let him sleep.” He walked over, showing he wasn’t about to give them even a moment of privacy. 

Cas was staring at him, a cutting intensity burning through the clear sleepiness. “Dean’s right, Jaskier. I have class in the morning.”

Jask shifted on his feet and then swayed, definitely too drunk for the movement. “I was looking for you, Winchester. Must’ve...” he took a step closer to Cas, “knocked on your door out of habit.”

Dean decided to make it a joke. “Sure, habit. Or... you didn’t want to get your ass handed to you by a freshman.”

“Dean, enough.” Cas’ voice was sharp as he lifted a hand to Jaskier’s chest and the more he spoke, the lower it became. “You’re drunk, you’re not having a shot contest with anyone. You’re going to go lay on the couch and sleep it off, and when I go to class in the morning, you can go back to sleep in my bed. Do you understand?” 

Dean expected Jask to laugh at him, or do pretty much anything other than what he actually did. Jask sucked in a slow breath and let it out, somehow appearing smaller despite the fact that he was easily three inches taller than Cas. “Yes, Castiel.” 

Those blue eyes found their way to Dean’s as Cas lowered his hand from Jaskier’s chest. “Goodnight, then.” He shut the door, leaving them alone.

They shared a moment of awkwardness where they both stood there, blushing like idiots. Jask frowned and straightened up after a second, and Dean pointed at Cas’ door and tilted his head.  _ What the fuck was that? _ “Um. Looks like Castiel has spoken. You can just take my bed, I’m not turning in yet.” He lied, again, but the thought of Jask in Cas’ bed made his stomach turn.

"I think I'm just gonna walk home before I do something incredibly stupid." Jask's fingers reached for the doorknob but he pulled them back, a pained expression on his face. "Yeah. I should go."

_ Damn right.  _ “You should.” Dean frowned slightly. “Come on I’ll walk with you.” Regardless, he didn’t want the guy getting lost on the way home.

Jask nodded and started walking, bumping into the wall and then reaching out to grab Dean’s shoulder. They made it out of the house and Jask seemed to sober up slightly in the fresh air. Eventually, he said, “You tell anyone about that, and I’ll kill you.”

“Dunno what you’re talking about... nah, not letting you off that easy, the fuck was that?  _ Yes, Castiel.” _

Jask grabbed the collar of Dean’s shirt and yanked him forward, anger flashing in his eyes. “That’s the damn part you’re gonna keep your mouth shut about.” But the rage was gone almost instantly, and Jask let go, hiccuping and slurring his words. “You ever been dommed, Winchester?”

Dean shoved his hands away from him and was instantly prepared for a fight despite Jask backing off. In any other circumstance, he would have punched the guy on principle. But this was his quarterback, and he was  _ drunk. _ “Okay, one, don’t put your hands on me, Jask. Two, I wasn’t about to tell anyone shit, that isn’t my business and I don’t make a habit spreading gossip like I’m in high school. And three, have I been what? Dommed? Like bondage?”

“I’ll take that as a no.” Jask grinned slyly and shoved his hands in his pockets. “It’s not... exactly the same with a chick, but then again... there’s no one else quite like Castiel, so maybe it’s not a gender thing at all.”

Dean thought about that, and although he was still getting to know him, he could already tell there was no one like Castiel. He motioned for them to start walking again. “So, what is it, if it ain’t handcuffs and whips and shit?”

“It can be those things, hell... I can’t tell you the amount of times Cas tied me up. I think he’s still got the restraints attached to the bed, actually... I could see part of the one that goes around your ankle when he opened the door. It’s more about...” Jask stopped walking again right outside the door to the dorms, licked his lips and turned to face Dean. “Have you ever given up control to someone? I mean really given yourself to someone? Put your trust in them so completely that you knew  _ whatever  _ they did, however they touched you... nothing would ever feel that good again?”

Dean held onto every single word. “No. I haven’t. I’ve... never trusted someone that much.” He decided to be honest. Not like Jask would remember this conversation, right?

Jask’s eyes flicked down to Dean’s lips. “If you find it, don’t fuck it up. I did, but it wasn’t really his fault that night went sideways, I —“ His hand flew to his mouth and his eyes widened, and Dean barely had time to jump out of the way before Jask was projectile vomiting.

“Fucking  _ shit...” _ Dean obviously couldn’t form words. “Which one is yours man, let’s get you in bed.”  _ What the hell was he about to say? _

The big idiot hiccuped again and wiped his chin with the back of his arm. "Second floor. Fourth on the right." He turned and started walking up the stairs. "I'm uh... yeah, sorry about that. Maybe that keg stand wasn't my brightest idea."

“I dunno, there have been a lot of  _ not  _ bright ideas the last couple of weeks. Don’t imagine we see  _ those  _ often, huh?” Dean followed to make sure his quarterback made it inside his dorm, and the second they were inside Jask collapsed on the bed with his shoes on. 

He groaned, rolling onto his stomach. “Damnit, Coach is gonna be pissed when no one shows up, tomorrow morning.” 

“Fuck! I forgot about that shit… what happens when no one shows up?” 

Jask shrugged a little and closed his eyes. “Long as we go to the afternoon one, he won’t care. But hey, uh… Winchester? When you go home, tell Cas I’m sorry.” 

“I dunno man, not really my business.” Dean looked at Jask and saw he was asleep. “Good talk.” He pulled off Jask’s shoes, and walked out.

As if all this wasn’t weird enough.  _ Cas dommed Jask?  _ Dean pictured Jask tied up and chuckled, but then got jealous. He’d never been tied up but he'd be lying if he said he didn’t think about it. 

As he walked home, Dean pictured Cas standing over him, while he’s tied up to Cas’ bed, that fucking eyebrow raised and that deep timber of a voice that sends ripples down his body, straight to his dick. Speaking of, the fucker twitched. Like he  _ didn’t _ get laid a million times in the past two weeks. Dean decided  _ that _ visual of Cas was a bad idea, and decided to never think about it again. 

Should be easy peasy, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sayang  
> [The feeling of regret or frustration over a near miss or missing something that seems perfect]


	5. Cingulomania

“The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say.” 

\- Gregory Maguire 

**Jimmy**

It had been two weeks since the party that nearly got every single one of them kicked off the team. If it wasn’t for Winchester somehow being coherent enough to drag them all out of their drunken stupors and into the weight room for the afternoon workout, they’d have all been running laps until training camp. 

Still wasn’t enough for Jimmy to forgive him, but hey. It took the edge off the loss a little bit, at least Dean was a worthy opponent and not a d-bag. His teammates had mocked him relentlessly for getting his ass handed to him at his own game, but if Jimmy was being honest with himself… he knew he wasn’t gonna win. Shit, he probably _could_ have, but the point was never winning. The point was proving to his brother that Dean was just like all his other teammates, and that straight, bi, pan, _whatever…_ Cas was better off learning that lesson now than in six months when his giant, stupid heart was already involved. 

Cas had a tendency to love first and ask questions later. At the end of the day, it probably didn’t matter at all who Dean Winchester liked to fuck - if Cas saw something that called to him, he’d spend the rest of his life in love and alone rather than be smart enough to walk away. One of the proudest moments of Jimmy’s life had been the day when Morningstar tried to get his brother back after publicly humiliating him and Cas handled himself like a true Novak, even if it had kinda been deserved. He’d quirked that dumbass dombrow thing he does when he’s trying to get people to listen to him and basically told Jask about fifteen different ways to permanently damage his balls. 

Jimmy shivered at the memory, but even the reminder that Cas was fully capable of protecting himself wasn’t enough to make Jimmy regret what he did. This day and age, actions spoke way fucking louder than words, and Jimmy had given Dean a choice. He didn’t have to accept, didn’t have to fuck seventeen girls in two weeks, didn’t have to rise to the occasion. He didn’t make him do a damn thing, which just proved his suspicions about Dean. 

It was the Fourth of July, and Jimmy was trying to get the fireworks in order. He glanced over to where Winchester was touching the grill and lifted his head. “Yo! Hope you handle grills better than you treat girls or I’m gonna break your fingers!” 

Dean chuckled. “If the girls are any indication to my _handling_ skills, your grill will prefer me soon.”

He rolled his eyes, mocking Dean under his breath as he walked over to him. "Seriously, though. Now that it's been a couple of weeks and my ego is less bruised, congrats. You won the Horndog competition fair and square. Point proven." Jimmy smiled smugly to himself, because he was talking about an entirely different point.

“Was there a point? My balls still haven’t forgiven me and I can seem to find a reason why I accepted the challenge to begin with. I mean I needed to get laid, but not like that. Haven’t had sex since.” Dean dusted off his hands and reached for the lighter.

_Well, fuck._ “I don’t know, I’m not in that big empty noggin of yours. You sure seemed pretty proud of yourself while it was happening and right after it ended.” 

“Well no shit, had to shut you up, right?” He lit the pit and stepped back. “Sorry if I rubbed it in too much, it was childish and probably ruined all my chances at finding an actual relationship while I attend this damn school... not that I’m looking for one.” Dean shrugged and grabbed them both a beer, handing one to Jimmy.

Jimmy actually started to feel bad. If Dean was serious... maybe he fucked up. “Eh, if you’re really as good as you think you are, you’re bound to find someone that comes back more than twice.” He nudged Dean with a grin. “But hey, if you’re not looking for one, then... no harm, no foul, right?”

“Right.” Dean took a drink and stared down at the bottle in his hands. “Not really for me anyway I guess, I mean... someone can come back more than twice but it never takes them long to leave. Guess I’m good at one thing, and now eighteen chicks know that thing already and I’ve been here what? A month? Grew up playing poker, should know better than to show my hand, right?” He shrugged. “Not a big deal, still got the game and it really isn’t hard to get laid. What more can a guy need?”

Jimmy looked over Dean’s shoulder to see Cas standing in the doorway, looking at Dean like he was disappointed. The beginning of Dean’s little speech had left Jimmy feeling bad about the whole thing, but by the end? _Nah, I was right about him. I did Cas a favor, even if he doesn’t know it yet._ He raised his voice a little, just to be sure Cas thoroughly understood. “You’re right, Winchester. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Nothing more important in the world than football and getting your dick wet, huh?”

“Well hold on, I didn’t say that.” He held out his hand and then pointed. “I also really enjoy food.”

“Then maybe you should stop talking and actually _grill_ something, Dean.” Cas walked past them to the pile of fireworks and knelt down, and Jimmy’s chest puffed out a little in pride. 

“Yeah, Winchester. We get it, you’re a cheeseburger eating, football playing slutbag.” Jimmy grinned, smacking Dean’s still-outstretched hand.

Dean just shrugged and took a drink. “Charcoals are still burning, asshatt. You ever work a grill?”

Cas turned his head toward Dean. “I’ve left the grills - and the girls - to Jimmy. My talents lie... elsewhere.” 

Jimmy made a loud aaahh noise and then took a drink, raising his eyebrows at Dean. “I’ll give you ten bucks if you just let that go and don’t ask.”

Dean narrowed his eyes and looked between them. “Just ten? Nah, what are your _skills,_ Cas?”

He watched his brother smirk and Jimmy sighed heavily, he really should have known better. Signs or no signs, Cas… well, he was who he was. Castiel stood and brushed the grass from his jeans, his expression unchanged. “None that you’d be particularly interested in, Dean. Oh, and Jimmy? I’ll take that ten bucks for refusing to answer the question.” 

Cas held out his hand and Jimmy scowled, but really… losing ten dollars was infinitely better than listening to Cas make _everyone_ uncomfortable. Jimmy pulled the bill out of his wallet and slapped it into his outstretched hand. 

“Guess you’d know all about my interests, huh?” Dean stood up and went in the house, hopefully to get the damn meat on the grill... people we’re going to start showing up soon.

  
  


**Castiel**

He really, truly wished Jimmy would stop looking at him like he was fragile. His brother probably thought he was being slick, but there wasn’t much that either of them could do under the radar… and for some reason, Jimmy was trying to prove to Cas that Dean was bad news. It served virtually no purpose at all… the day Cas started taking dating advice from his twin would be the day he actually believed in the Peninsula Python. 

Actually, that was a lie. He’d be less surprised by the Python slithering out of the earth and swallowing him whole than he would be about Jimmy giving him solid dating advice. After all, Jimmy was the one that hooked him up with Jaskier in the first place. 

_Speak of the showoff and he shall appear, apparently._ Jaskier, Benny, Garth, and the running back Cole Trenton followed Dean out of the house, each carrying something… _American_ in their hands. Cornhole, more beer than the entire team should be able to drink in a week, and finger foods. Cole came over and asked if he could put some music on, and Cas pointed to the speakers that Jimmy and Dean had set up earlier. He ran off to go do that, and within twenty minutes the smell of the food was drifting through the yard and distracting the hell out of Benny and the couple of other teammates that had shown up as they were playing cornhole. Cas sat off to the side near the firepit, minding his own business and wondering whether or not Kevin and Samandriel were ever going to show up. 

He chewed on his lip as he watched the group, feeling both out of place and like he belonged at the same time. That was the thing about being a twin, by default, they belonged around each other even if no one else knew that. It was times like these that Cas missed the team mentality and camaraderie. With this group, even when he was with Jaskier, he was always on the outside looking in. But if the acting class he was taking that semester was teaching him anything, it was how to keep a poker face. He snapped a few pictures from his vantage point, and if he focused mainly on Dean… that wasn’t his fault. 

Garth came and sat next to him for a while and they talked about the upcoming season, whether or not Garth thought their chances were better at winning a Bowl game, and his friend blushed deeply as he confessed he finally met a girl. Cas was happy for him, Garth was genuinely one of the best people he’d ever met, and a lot of people didn’t give him a chance because he was different. 

That was something that Cas definitely knew about all too well. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and watched as the tight end, John… Ross, or something like that, threw a beanbag at Benny’s head. Benny swore and chased after him, but Ross was absolutely faster and was just pissing Benny off by running circles around him. 

“How do you _deal_ with them, Garth?” 

“Oh, they’re not so bad once ya get to know them. I told Dean his first day that Benny was a teddy bear, despite the untreated rage.” Garth was pursing his lips in a smile, and Cas chuckled. 

“Yeah, but they can’t _all_ be like that. I live with two of them, I should know.” 

Garth immediately frowned. “You know Jim better than anyone, but Dean was way nicer to me than any of the other guys were to begin with. He’s a good guy, I think he just tries too hard to fit in.” 

Cas froze, his glasses sliding down again from the sweat beading on his face. It was humid as hell, and as if being sticky wasn’t bad enough, now he felt like he’d been hit over the head with something incredibly obvious. He’d been getting incredibly mixed signals from Dean since day one, and while Cas normally prided himself on being able to read people… all the silent observation in the world hadn’t helped him figure Dean out. Maybe it was because _this_ Dean wasn’t genuine? Or, maybe --

“Hello, earth to Cas!” Garth waved his hand in front of Cas’ face and snapped him out of it. 

“What? I’m sorry, did you ask me a question? I feel terrible.” 

As always, Garth didn’t seem to be the least bit offended. “No worries, but Winchester says the food is ready. Do you want me to get you something?” 

He glanced over at Dean again and shook his head. “No, I’m coming. Thank you.” 

~~~~

When the sun finally set, they’d gotten through way more of the beer than they probably should have. A few people had already left, including Jaskier and John Ross, but those that remained were scattered around the backyard waiting for Jimmy to start setting off the fireworks. Cas had already done his safety checks and made Jimmy promise he wouldn’t have more than 3 beers before setting them off, and he was pretty sure that Jimmy hadn’t lied. 

Cas was sunburnt and tired from the exhausting task of staying out of the way, but he looked forward to the fireworks every year so he wasn’t going to check out just yet. Dean was standing about twenty yards back from Jimmy by himself, and Garth was locked into a conversation with Kevin at his side, which left Cas free to look. 

He was trying not to stare, but he couldn’t shake what Garth had suggested about Dean just trying to fit in. Cas could barely make him out in the fading light, but once Jimmy started setting off the fireworks, he could see him lit up with all the colors of the rainbow. _Too bad it’s the wrong damn rainbow._

On and on it went, with bursts of red and blue and green, until Jimmy set off one of those useless all-white ones that sounded like a damn bomb. He hated those, but… _did Dean just flinch?_

Cas put his glasses back on quickly and sure enough, it seemed like Dean was looking around to make sure no one saw that. But when Jimmy set the second one off, Dean recoiled even harder and his fists clenched at his sides. Cas licked his lip and made his way across the yard to where Dean was standing, stepping just shy of _too_ close to him. 

He avoided eye contact, instead choosing to remain silent and look up at the sky for a moment as the smoke cleared. “I think I like the green ones the best.” 

Dean huffed a forced laugh. “No way. The blue and purple take the cake.”

“You think?” He turned his head toward Dean, trying to catch his attention and smiled playfully. “It figures your taste in fireworks is as questionable as your taste in sexual partners.”

“I know this is going to make me sound like an asshole, but none of what you saw was my taste. It was what was easy, for a dumb… I think you’d call it a ‘meathead’ competition.”

_Don’t ask him. Don’t do it. He’s already clearly uncomfortable, and every time you venture into this territory it ends horribly. Say something else. Anything else._ “Well, if it helps... I think you have impeccable taste in vehicles. Have I told you that yet? Your Impala is gorgeous.”

Dean stood up straighter and grinned proudly. “Yeah, she is. Her name is Baby, and you can’t drive her, but we can go for a ride if you want to feel her.” 

He was clearly back in his element, and Cas was almost in awe at the way that smile changed Dean’s entire face. It wasn’t cocky, or _meatheaded_ at all. He relaxed, a small smile playing across his own lips in response. “I don’t know how to drive anyway, so you wouldn’t have to worry about me asking. But I’d never say no to a ride.”

“What!?” He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and made an _ehh_ sound. “I mean I can show you, but... fuck. I’ve never let _anyone_ drive her.”

He was suddenly incredibly curious if he could convince Dean to let him drive, but that wasn’t what he wanted. Cas put his hand on the back of Dean’s upper arm and widened his grin. “Relax, I don’t want to learn. I’ll be the one looking adorable in your passenger seat.”

“Of course you would.” Dean straightened a little and cleared his throat.

He laughed. “Maybe your taste isn’t so bad after all, hm?” His elbow gently brushed against Dean’s and Cas cocked his head to the side. He couldn’t hear the fireworks anymore, so he assumed Jimmy was finished and the danger had passed - which just gave way to gnawing curiosity over what Dean had suffered to react that way.

“Told ya.” He joked back, bumping Cas in a way that was obviously not an accident. Dean looked around. “Guess _that_ fun is over.”

Cas knew he should move away, but he had a feeling Dean would do that soon enough on his own. And maybe it was the beer, the heat, the fireworks or a combination of all of it... but he didn’t want to move. “It’s getting late, I should... probably get some sleep. I have class in the morning.”

Dean looked away and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Right. See ya, Cas.” He walked away towards the group of drunken fools, and Cas realized that Dean was completely sober.

He closed his eyes, his chest aching all over again. Why did he _always_ want things he couldn’t have?

**Dean**

Benny greeted him instantly with a beer, but Dean shook his head. “Nah, I’ve had enough. Thanks, though. Always nice to be offered my own beer.” He grinned, thankful no one seemed to notice he only had one beer that night. The last couple of weeks of celibacy brought to light what a dick he was being, and he had to believe it wasn’t too late to change that. If he had any hope at all, getting trashed wasn’t gonna help. 

Garth and Cole made room for him on the bench and he glanced toward where he’d been standing with Cas, but he was already gone. Dean dragged his bottom lip between his teeth and sighed quietly before sitting down between them, gazing at the fire as the conversation picked up around him again. 

Dean zoned everyone out and watched the flames. He fucking hated the 4th of July. And no, he didn’t hate the customs behind it, he hated the damn fireworks. He’d heard enough gunshots to last a lifetime, he didn’t need to hear that much banging in one night. He did love the colors though and always wished he could watch them live, but on mute. Too bad that isn’t possible, unless he was deaf and even then, he’d feel the aggressive rumble throughout his body seconds before they exploded. 

Cas said he liked the green ones, but those were boring. The blue ones were much prettier. There were still fireworks in the distance and these he almost actually enjoyed. He could still hear them of course, but it wasn’t as abrasive. Someone had let off a bunch of blue and green ones and Dean instinctively looked for Cas, slumping back in his seat when he remembered. _Cas went to bed. Because_ you _opened up too much. That was how it always happened. No one wanted to know Dean Winchester, the man. They wanted Dean Winchester, the jock._ He stood up and walked back in the house, going straight to his room and stripping for bed.

————

A week later, it was just too fucking hot to function. Dean was studying in just his basketball shorts and he was still too sticky to focus. “Fuck Accounting! Why is this a fucking requirement?!” He was home alone, so naturally he was talking to himself - totally sane.

Dean walked over to the speaker, connecting his phone with the Bluetooth setting and turned on some Rory Gallagher, crossing his fingers that _Moonchild_ could get him out of his funk. 

It worked. Of _course_ Rory worked, the solo alone had Dean feeling like he could answer a million stupid trick Accounting questions. He went back to his studying and finished the damn practice question he had been stuck on for about twenty minutes prior. “Ha! Got you!” He said to his paper and then rolled his eyes when he saw he still had eight more in this chapter. “Fuck me…” 

After another hour, he went for a jog to clear his mind. About a week ago, Cas mentioned changing subjects every thirty minutes but when you only had two classes in the summer, that was hard. He switched to Business Communications a bit ago but that shit was just boring so he decided he’d rather work out. 

When he got back from his run, he went straight to the back patio to lift some weights and throw some hands. Dean may not have his punching bag here, but he still enjoyed boxing, and who cared if he looked like a shirtless idiot punching air. He still had the muscle memory down and walked in the house feeling much better. 

His phone rang and he smiled when he saw his long haired, idiot of a baby brother was calling. Man, he missed Sammy. His caller ID was a horrible photo of him the day Dean hid a ghost chili in his burrito. _Worth it!_

“Sup, Bitch.” Dean grinned.

Sam scoffed. “Miss you too, Jerk.”

“I bet you do. You get laid yet?”

_“Dean._ Geez, I bet you’ve been laid enough times for the whole football team.” 

“Aww, Sammy. I can hear the judgmental head shake from here. For the record, I’m celibate.”

Dean couldn’t remember that last time Sam laughed _that_ damn loud… if ever.

“You don’t believe me?”

Once Sam calmed down, he spoke again. “You mean to tell me, you haven’t been laid since you got there?”

_Shit._ “Well, no. I’m not saying that. But not in weeks.” Dean was a little offended. “Don’t think I can keep it in my pants??”

“Not for a second. How many girls since you been there?” _Just shove the knife in further asshat!_

“What? I uh, can’t hear you. Try asking that again, this time with less judgment.”

Sam laughed. “That many, huh?”

“Shut up.”

“So…” _Please change the subject…_ “I have a girlfriend.”

“What?? Congrats! Is it serious? Or, I guess as serious as a high school romance can be?”

Sam scoffed and Dean pictured the bitch face that normally accompanied that familiar noise. “It’s serious. I really like her.”

Dean genuinely smiled. “Good for you, Sammy. If you like her, hold onto her.”

“Thanks.”

“She hot?” As usual, Dean had to ruin the chick flick moment. “You using a rubber?”

“Way to kill it. And not yet, but…” Sam hesitated.

“Look, I know I fuck around. But I’m here okay, you can tell or ask me anything. I’ve made _all_ the mistakes, trust me.”

Sam mumbled slightly, but Dean understood him. “I think she wants to.” 

“Course she wants to, you're a freakin catch! Just use a condom - there is some in my underwear drawer - and don’t feel pressured. I can’t help with positions since you’re six foot - fourteen and I don’t know how sex even works that high up but watch some porn.”

“That… ugh. Okay.” Dean grinned at how awkward Sam was feeling now, picturing his blush. _Job is done here._

“You think you’ll ever settle down, Dean?”

Now it was _his_ turn to blush and get awkward. “Um… yeah, I hope so.”

“Have you met someone?” Sam asked, almost too hopefully. 

Dean sighed. “No.” _Yes._

“Oh. Well, I hope you do.”

“Thanks, Sammy. Hey, my roommates are back, gotta run. Don’t forget, _condom._ Got it?”

“Right, got it.” He huffed a laugh.

“Talk to you soon, Bitch.”

“Later, Jerk.”

Okay, so Dean had lied to get off the phone. But he was feeling some type of way about Cas right now and didn’t want to get stuck explaining _that_ to Sam.

And actually, all that sex talk had Dean wanting something he shouldn’t be wanting. _Dammit. You just said you were celibate and oh look, a boner._ He decided it had been long enough since he at least came and went to jack off in the shower. 

He was home alone, no one would ever know.

Dean was actually nervous to jack off, and it had _nothing_ to do with being in the shower and having the possibility of being overheard. Nah, he didn’t care about that. It was a house full of dudes. But he was nervous because he had actually planned on giving in and picturing one of those dudes while he touched himself.

_Just this once._

Yeah, Dean had pictured Cas when he fucked chicks, but that was different. No one should be judged by what their minds picture while they are actively having intercourse, that’s just cruel. Everyone had their kinks. But this felt different. He was picturing Cas and _only_ Cas, with no one else in sight. He was going out of his way, to pleasure himself while thinking of his roommate. It felt… wrong. 

Little Dean down there didn’t get the memo, because he didn’t think there was anything wrong about this and he was aggressively searching for Mr. Castiel. _Oh fuck, that didn’t help._ The thought of calling Cas by his full name made his dick twitch. Did Dean _want_ to be dommed? He pictured whatever the fuck restraints Jask said Cas had attached to his bed and finally gripped this throbbing cock, his other hand holding him up on the shower wall. “Jesus fuck.” He groaned, and he was _not_ about to last very long. No fucking way.

His mind was suddenly playing out the scene as if it was some old timey slideshow movie… _what were those even called. Never mind doesn’t matter._

_Castiel tying him face down to his bed._

_Castiel standing over him. But Dean can’t see him, he just feels his presence._

_Castiel speaking in that low sinful voice._

_Castiel raising that fucking eyebrow and -_

“Ah, fuck!” Dean came with a much louder than intended groan. 

Although absolutely _no one_ could see what just made him come, his entire body was red from embarrassment. Even in his fantasy, Cas had him completely unglued and coming without even touching him. _What the fucking fuck?_

Dean got out of the shower and rushed into his room to dress. He laid on the bed and held both hands over his face. _Do I need to fuck a dude?_ Dean groaned - a much different kind of groan - and covered his ears and then hid under his pillow. It didn’t matter, he couldn’t hide from his fucking thoughts. 

_I need to-_

He heard the toilet flush and froze. Cas was home. Dean knew it was Cas, because Jimmy had his own bathroom, and whoever just took a piss was very much using _their_ bathroom. _Fuck fuck… what did he hear?_

He replayed what just happened, blushing more but he truly couldn’t remember if he had called out Castiel in real life or just in his fantasy. _I quit. I’m hoping on a plane. I can’t even show my face again, would it be childish if I hopped out the window and ju-_

_Knock knock._

Dean stared at the door with wide eyes. “Co-” He cleared his throat after his voice fucking squeeked. “Come in.” _Better._

Cas opened the door and stood in the doorframe. “Hello, Dean.”

“Hello, Cast-, Cas.” _Fuuuccckkk._

“I was about to go grab a burrito. Would you like one? I’m grabbing one for Jimmy, too.”

“Um yeah, I’m starving actually.” Dean sat up and walked over to his wallet, pulling out a $20. “Just get whatever is the best one, I trust you.” Normally, he would offer to go with Cas, but he really needed a minute to get his shit together and hopefully Cas would be gone long enough for him to buy a one way plane ticket to hell. 

“You got it.” Cas had a soft smile on his lips and Dean couldn’t tell what _kind_ of smile it was. Trying to read Cas right now was like trying to read Chinese. He turned and headed towards the front door.

“Thanks Cas, hey how long have you been home, didn’t hear you come in.” 

Cas chuckled and opened the front door. “Oh, long enough.”

Thank god he left, because Dean’s jaw was on the floor. _What the fuck did he hear?_

**Castiel**

_Damnit, now I actually have to go get burritos._ He and Jimmy had just eaten dinner together before Jimmy went over to Jask’s, but Cas _needed_ to see what Dean looked like after that. He’d made something up, and apparently now he’d have to shove down another burrito as punishment.

At least he wasn’t required to stay in shape. He did it anyway, Cas actually loved working out and had continued doing it even after he quit playing football, he just didn’t get around to it as often anymore.

He licked his lips as he walked into _Hot Heads_ and tried to figure out what kind of burrito Dean would like. There was something cruel about that statement, a cheesy innuendo that reminded him that Dean didn’t like _burritos_ at all, so he opted for tacos. 

As he waited for the food to be ready, his mind wandered. He hadn’t really heard anything out of the ordinary, Dean had obviously been jacking off in the shower but there was nothing weird about that. And Dean had never been shy about the sounds he made during sex, so why was he so skittish about it? _What was he thinking about in there?_ **_Who_ ** _was he thinking about?_

_Fuck, Hot Heads is not the right place to be thinking about what gets Dean Winchester off,_ **_or_ ** _all the ways I could do it better than whoever he’d been thinking about._ A flash of jealousy coursed through Cas as the cashier yelled his name. He snapped out of it, grabbed the food and started walking back home. 

Cas approached the house and wondered if he should stay away from Dean. Becoming jealous over a straight man’s fantasies was _not_ healthy, nor was it worth it. But Cas had lived with himself for two decades, and he knew his best shot at getting over this was getting to know Dean so well that he discovered every single one of his flaws.

_The only way out… is through._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cingulomania  
> [A strong desire to hold a person in your arms]
> 
> Are we having fun yet?


	6. Mamihlaptinatapai

“I am Nobody! Who are you? Are you Nobody, too?” 

\- Emily Dickenson

**Castiel**

July was coming to a close and Cas was restless. It was hot, and while he was used to Ohio summers, their close proximity to Lake Erie wasn’t doing much to cool _anyone_ off. 

This would be the last real week of peace they had until potentially the middle of January. Cas’ sophomore class schedule would be a beast once the fall semester officially began, but even before that… training camp for Dean and Jimmy started the following week. If the team played well, they’d be looking at another Bowl game and potentially a National Championship appearance. 

Cas was already starting to regret taking all electives during the summer months instead of trying to get at least one of his core courses out of the way, but he also hadn’t anticipated being so… distracted by life. 

No, not life. _Dean._

His hotter-than-lava roommate had apparently torched every shirt he owned, because like always, he was sitting on their couch in just shorts hiked up to the tops of his thighs. Cas was trying diligently to focus on his Intro to LGBTQ Studies homework, which yet again felt like some sort of cosmic prank. He could see every hard muscle on Dean’s body - except for the one he really wanted to - and the scars littering his torso stood out in stark contrast to his gorgeously tanned, sweat-slicked skin. 

Cas pulled his glasses off and set them down, rubbing his eyes and sitting back in his chair. _This is useless, I’ll never get anything done with him sitting there looking like that._ He picked up his phone and called Kevin, who answered already sounding harassed. 

“Are you busy? I was thinking about going out to the Gates of Hell.” 

Kevin scoffed. “Yes, I’m busy. Some of us took _real_ classes this semester, Cas. I’m up to my eyeballs in equations right now and I can’t seem to remember the difference between the mean value theorem and the intermediate value theorem!” 

“You know what, I’d have told you the difference, but I don’t particularly care for your tone.” He smiled, he knew all too well what kind of pressure Kevin was putting on himself - they were very similar in that way. “Take a break, remember to switch topics and utilize the flashcards we made last week. I guess I’ll go cool off all on my own.” 

“Ahh, you’re right, you’re right. I’m going to take a walk and then come back to it. Take some pictures for me!” 

Cas hung up and stood, cleaning up the mess he’d made from pretending to study. 

“What’s the Gates of Hell?”

Cas turned toward Dean, fighting the smile that threatened to break out all over his face. “The Gates are a series of caves near the town’s entrance. They’re pretty deep, and this time of year it’s the only place you can go besides the lake to cool off. I don’t really care for the beach as it is, but especially not in the middle of a scorchingly hot summer day when every single person in all of Ohio is bound to be there.”

“Sounds awesome, you know I like to go deep. Let’s go.”

He caught the reference to him being a strong safety, but what fun would it be to admit that? “I hate to break this to you, but I don’t bottom. If you’re looking to go deep, you’ve got the wrong guy.” Cas smirked and walked toward the door. “Put a shirt on, you can drive. You promised me a ride, after all.”

Dean’s eyes widened. “I didn’t expect you’d... never mind. Shirt. Ride. Right.” He disappeared into his room, tripping over the throw rug in the process.

He wasn’t sure he’d ever get tired of seeing Dean flustered and adorable like that. Cas took a moment to look down at his own outfit and decided that khaki shorts and a plain white shirt were as good as it was going to get. He fished out one of their smaller coolers and threw some snacks and drinks into it, grabbed his glasses and his phone from the table and went outside to Dean’s car, admiring the way the sun gleamed off the paint as he waited.

Dean walked out still in his basketball shorts, but he had at least donned a shirt. It was an old faded AC/DC shirt that somehow looked endearing, like Cas could fall asleep snuggled up against it without a problem. 

“Beautiful, right?” He grinned, looking at his Baby. “The only chick I need.” He ran a hand across her hood as he walked around to the driver’s side, and Cas nodded his agreement as he set the cooler on the floor behind the passenger seat. 

“I think beautiful might be an understatement.”

Dean smiled wider as they both got into the car. “You are correct. Beautiful doesn’t cut it.” 

He sat back, watching as Dean dug around in a box of cassettes and put one in, and the beginning of _Bad Moon Rising_ blared in his ears before Dean lowered the volume. He gave Dean directions to the Gates, and asked, “Have you explored the town at all?”

“Yeah, I actually go for a drive every couple nights. I haven’t been out that way though.” 

Cas didn’t miss the look of pure arousal on Dean’s face when he turned the key and the deep rumble of the Impala drowned out the music entirely. That was something he _had_ to have a picture of, and he snapped it quickly. Dean looked at him a little funny like he always did, but didn’t really comment. Thankfully, it wasn't a far drive, and after a few minutes Cas was leaning forward to point out the windshield to where Dean should pull over. Cas got out, sweating even worse than he had been since the Impala was so hot and the ride wasn't long enough for the A/C to truly start working. He grabbed the cooler from the backseat and started toward the narrow path between the two caves closest to them. "This way, the best one is a little further back."

Dean followed his instructions without question but grabbed the cooler from Cas, insisting he carry it. “Do a lot of people come here?” He asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"Not at all, it's incredibly haunted so most people won't come anywhere near it."

Dean chuckled. “Tryna scare me, _Castiel?”_

His stomach flipped so hard at the sound of his full name that he nearly tripped over the air. He cleared his throat, dropping his voice so it didn’t betray exactly what that just did to him. “So, you _do_ know my name.” 

Dean blushed and let out a strained sort of laugh. “Guess I do, huh?”

Everything in Cas was _screaming_ to make Dean say it again… and again, and again. Instead, he opted for a rare moment of open vulnerability. “Thank you, Dean. Usually, people don’t bother.” He loathed how needy that sounded, so he changed the subject abruptly. “And no, to answer your question. I’m not trying to scare you… do you really not know the history of this town?” 

“Other than the fact it’s humid as fuck? Nah. Enlighten me, _Castiel.”_

Cas turned away from Dean, walking directly into the cave. He needed to cool off, needed to hide the bulge in his shorts becoming more visible by the second... it wasn't his fault. Only Jaskier ever referred to him by his full name, and so he'd just come to associate it with both sex and intimacy. Hearing it come out of Dean's mouth was borderline overwhelming. "The... town. Right." He stopped walking once he found a good balance between close enough to the entrance that they still had some natural light and deep enough that the air temp finally dropped. "Did you know that twenty years ago, it wasn't even here? Or, at least, not like we know it."

“Nope. So how did it ‘get’ here, then?” Dean seemed to be genuinely curious - which wasn’t exactly common in meatheads - so Cas ended up being a little more wordy than he’d anticipated. 

“It wasn’t always called Helltown, you know. This place was once known as Boston, and from what I’ve read, it was actually a nice town. But back in the 70’s, environmentalists were gaining a lot of ground and President Ford signed a bill basically giving the National Parks Service full jurisdiction to expropriate land as they saw fit. Eminent domain, and all of that. They started buying up property and kicking people out of their homes. It was horrible, families that had lived here for generations had to leave with almost no warning. But the NPS got behind; Boston wasn’t the only town they were trying to take over in the name of expanding National Parks, and within a couple of years… most of this place was just boarded up houses. Some of the abandoned structures were used as practice for the surrounding fire departments, so if you happened to drive through Boston at that time… it probably looked like there’d been some sort of attack.” He paused to clean his glasses with the bottom of his shirt, the abrupt temperature change had them completely fogged over. 

“What’s that got to do with the place being haunted, though? And why name it Helltown?” 

Cas chuckled as he slid his glasses back on and opened the cooler to grab a drink. “I’m getting there, and bear with me because it’s going to get difficult to separate fact from fiction. In the 80’s, the NPS was still trying to get the job done despite being years behind schedule. They acquired the old Krejci Dump, but the rangers started getting sick and breaking out in rashes while they were trying to clean it out. Progress halted for an investigation, and they discovered it had been polluted with improperly disposed toxic chemicals. As far as the town’s archives show, that was the end of the NPS’ involvement.” 

He couldn’t see again, so he took off his glasses entirely and set them down by the cooler. “Anyway, so that’s what can be proven about Boston. Most of the rest is all urban legend and myth, although some of it is definitely rooted in at least a little bit of truth. I’ve been obsessed with the story since I was a kid. Jimmy always told me I was insane, but there have been too many unusual reports and strange occurrences here to be a coincidence.” 

Dean gallic shrugged. “I’d probably be into it all too, if I was from here.” He looked around a little, touching the walls gingerly. “How often do you come here?”

He froze, not entirely sure if he should answer that honestly. But, if he was going to get Dean to trust him... he needed to return the favor. “It depends. The two outer caves that we passed... Kevin and I have been there several times. I’ve never actually brought anyone to this one, though. I come here when I need to get away. I’ve never seen anyone else back here, so either no one else knows it exists or they’re too scared to explore it. Supposedly, if you travel far enough into it... you’ll find the gate to Hell itself. Hence, the name.”

“So... you never brought Jask here?” Dean asked, avoiding Cas’ gaze completely.

Cas’ chest ached in ways he had thought he was long over. He turned his back to Dean, taking a deep breath and flexing his fingers into a fist to calm himself. “No, I... didn’t come here for the first time until… _after._ That day was horrible, and half the school heard him blame me for the loss. I don’t drive, so I cut through the woods and just... didn’t make it to the front two. I was deeper than this by the time I realized where I was.”

“Shit. I’m sorry.” Dean walked closer. “Want me to punch him?” Cas turned at the words to see Dean, grinning playfully. “I have a pretty decent right hook.”

“He’s your quarterback, Dean. I don’t think your life would be easy if you attacked him.” Cas smiled sadly and reached out to brush a leaf from Dean’s shoulder that must have stuck while they were walking. “It’s fine, Dean. It’s just not a story I usually have to tell, most people already know it because they lived it as clearly as I did.”

“Ehh... my life’s never been easy, Castiel. What’s new.” Dean looked at his shoulder where Cas had touched and then reached down to grab a drink from the cooler. Cas was glad for the sudden space; the sound of his name had sent a shiver down his spine. “How bad is your vision?” Dean put the glasses on and grinned. “Well, fuck.”

Cas mustered his most convincing bitchface and gently smacked Dean’s arm, but kind of missed. “Give them back, you’re clumsy and if your meaty hands break them, I’m going to be _very_ screwed.”

“Clumsy? Have you _seen_ me on the field? I can intercept a pigskin mid dive, Cas. These hands don’t drop things... my legs do their own thing sometimes but let me have my moment.” He handed the glasses back, dramatically rubbing his eyes afterward like an ass. “You look much better in them anyway.”

“I haven’t seen you play, no.” Cas’ breathing hitched and he desperately tried to remind himself Dean didn’t mean what he wanted him to mean. “You mentioned your life has never been easy. All I really know is that you come from somewhere in California... I feel like every time we get started on this conversation, something or someone interrupts us.” _Or, I walk away because it’s overwhelming even being near you sometimes._

Dean’s smile faded slightly. “Um yeah, have you been there? It’s not what the movies show, unless you count _Fruitvale Station._ I’m from the Bay Area, which is in Northern California. It’s beautiful there... and there is nothing like the weather, Cas.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Just isn’t a very friendly place to grow up. I mean, people look out for each other - if you know the right people - but there’s too many gangs and... anger.”

Suddenly, Dean’s reaction to fireworks was at least beginning to make sense. “And... did you? Know the right people, I mean.”

“Yeah, most people knew who I was in the neighborhood. But you’ve seen me shirtless enough times to know that some people didn’t give a shit that I played football.”

Cas was quiet for a moment as his heart openly bled for Dean. It was a miracle the stuff wasn’t spilling freely from his chest... the thought of _anyone_ hurting Dean... 

Bile rose in his throat and he swallowed, pointedly keeping his eyes on Dean’s face no matter how badly he wanted to ruck up his shirt and change the way Dean looked at them forever. Cas might not know him as well as he wanted to yet, but he knew Dean wasn’t looking for pity. “I wanted to ask so many times, but... I thought it would be rude. Do you have a favorite?”

**Dean**

Dean huffed a laugh. “Yeah, actually.” He lifted his shirt and pointed to a crescent shaped scar. “This one. I was stabbed, but not with a knife, it was a fucking melon baller, in the middle of the grocery store aisle. Shit was ridiculous. But the asshole pushed Sammy... _before_ he was a fucking giant.” He paused, remembering Cas probably had no idea who that was. “Sammy is my little brother, but he’s taller than me now.”

Cas reached out and traced the half-moon pattern, but seemed to realize what he was doing and pulled his hand back with an apologetic grimace. “How... how old is he?”

Dean felt a chill at the touch and wanted more... so much more. “You can touch me. I’m not easy to break, Castiel.” He looked down at the scars. “He’s four years younger and he was eight at the time. The dude was at least thirty.”

“Did you stab him with an apple peeler?” Cas asked, slowly reaching forward again until his hand was flat against Dean’s stomach and his thumb brushed over the marred skin. 

He laughed out loud, focusing on _anything_ but Cas’ hand on his skin. “Nah, I was twelve, wasn’t that creative. I punched him in the nuts and ran. He was zoomin’.” He paused, realizing Cas might not understand what that slang meant. “Zooming is like... tweaked out. Super high... drugs.” Hopefully that got the point across. “Drugs are a huge problem out there.”

“Around here, people just do meth.” 

“Meth is everywhere, Cas. They have a town like two hours from Hayward that is called Modesto, except people call it Methdesto.” 

“That’s original.” Cas sucked in a breath and dropped his hand, turning to kneel down by the cooler. He pulled out a protein pack and opened it up, eating something that looked like a raisin when he turned to face him again. “Do you have a least favorite?”

“Uh yeah, on my back.” Dean hesitated a second before turning around, showing Cas his biggest one. “This was me literally being stabbed in the back and robbed. Luckily it was summer, so I only fell a little behind on training and was back on the field that fall.”

Cas moved behind him and again, traced the line of it. Goosebumps erupted on Dean's skin, but if Cas noticed, he didn't comment. "But you got out. You're safe here, Dean."

“Yeah... I know.” What exactly _was_ safe? Dean honestly didn’t know. But he did feel safe here... in a haunted cave... with Cas. Dean was also acutely aware of the fact that Castiel was standing behind him and touching his back and it felt... right. He never liked people standing behind him, especially since he’d been stabbed. But he didn’t mind Cas there, not in the slightest.

He felt a rush of warm air on the back of his shoulder and then something soft and fleeting. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask sooner.” 

Dean couldn’t think straight. _What did he just feel?_ The immature part of his brain thought of a ghost but weren’t they supposed to be cold? Maybe TV was incorrect? But the other, more logical part of his brain knew it was Cas... and it wasn’t his fingers. He could still feel those and this touch was different. 

“What?” Dean realized Cas must have just asked him a question because he was now standing in front of him looking like he was waiting for an answer.

“Hungry, are you hungry? I brought snacks.”

“Oh, yeah. Always hungry.” Dean swallowed audibly and looked around, he just needed a moment. “I’m guessing this cave doesn’t have a bathroom, should I go further in to piss or back out?”

Cas chuckled. “If you go further in, you might get eaten by the hellhound. I suggest going back out.”

Dean pictured a hellhound biting his dick off and grimaced. “Can’t have that, can we? I’ll be right back.” He walked a little ways away and took a moment to regain his bearings. The truth was, Dean had no fucking clue what he was feeling… but he was definitely feeling _something._ Something he’d never felt before, not with anyone, but _especially_ not towards a man. Dean ran his hands down his face and sighed, pacing just to buy himself another few seconds before slowly walking back. 

Cas was fidgeting with his glasses again, his eyebrows pinched in concentration as he scrubbed the lens with the fabric of his shirt. It hit Dean that this little bit of skin was the most he’d seen of Cas - he saw Jimmy naked almost every damn day, but Cas _always_ had a shirt on. He stepped closer as quietly as he could, afraid that if he —

Rocks on the cave floor crunched under his feet and Cas dropped his shirt, squinting at him in the low light. _God damnit. Show’s over._

“Do you feel better?” The flash of Cas’ camera illuminated the cave as he took yet another random ass picture of Dean. 

“So uh, been meaning to ask... what’s with the photos?” He nodded at Cas’ Polaroid. He’d been meaning to ask, just never found the right time.

Cas looked down at his camera and the photo that had popped out of it. "Honestly? I have a terrible memory, and despite what you may or may not have seen, my social skills aren't the best which makes keeping friends... difficult, sometimes. Taking candid pictures of people close to me helps." He shrugged his shoulder halfheartedly. "Most people make fun of me for it, but it helps me hold onto memories that my brain might otherwise forget when they're all I've got left... and that happens more than you'd think."

Dean nodded, hating the idea of someone making fun of Cas for that, or for anything really. People were fucking stupid. “Fuck em. Keep being you, Cas.”

He offered Dean a small smile in return. “Thank you, Dean. Do you feel better after your... restroom break?”

Dean nodded again, even though it couldn’t be further from the truth. “Yeah, course, Castiel.” He studied him closer this time as he said it, and sure enough... he didn’t know _what_ exactly hearing his name was doing to Cas, but it was definitely something. _Good, hope it makes us even for whatever fucking voodoo magic you’re working on me._

He bent over, grabbing one of the protein packs from the cooler and sitting down on the cold ground. Even though they weren’t too far back in the cave, it was the coolest Dean had been in weeks. “So tell me more about this town. Not the boring, real shit… you mentioned urban legends?” 

“Supposedly, the town closing didn’t have anything to do with National Parks, although even the conspiracy theorists agree it was the government’s work. There was a church here - actually, it’s still standing - called Mother of Sorrows. It was allegedly built by Satanists… and then again, if you believe those rumors, the entire town was colonized by Satanists. But the very principle negates itself if you know anything about anything.” 

Dean blinked at him. “Okay, you lost me.” 

Cas tilted his head. “Oh, right. Satanists don’t actually believe in the devil. I believe the rumormongers were looking for the phrase “devil-worshippers,” since Satanists don’t believe in supernatural deities at all, and therefore would be unlikely to erect a church with upside-down crosses and attempt to summon one.” 

_What in the_ **_actual_ ** _fuck?_

“You look confused, let me start again.” Cas settled on the ground in front of him and took a deep breath. “This is technically unrelated to the urban legends surrounding Helltown, but I feel compelled to explain what I just said. There are two major sects of Satanism… one being the Church of Satan and the other being the Satanic Temple. Neither group believes in nor worships the devil. As a matter of fact, Satanism - when practiced truly and not some bastardized Christian version - is probably the most accepting and decent religions ever established. They believe mainly in autonomy, critical thinking, justice, treating others with compassion and empathy… science ruling above personal beliefs in all instances and the freedom of others. The Satanic Temple tends to be a little more modern, taking political stands and things whereas the Church of Satan believes it’s not their place to hold such opinions, and they also practice magic.”

Dean was trying to keep up, he really was. But this was a wild swing from whatever had happened before he took his fake piss break. “Oh… kay. But why does everyone think they worship Satan, then?” 

“They believe in absolute personal sovereignty, and… who emulated that more than Lucifer? He represents the Eternal Rebel, denying arbitrary authority and embracing carnality… which is, of course, indulging the particular appetites and passions of the human body. Either way, neither body worships or believes in the existence of the Satan of Christianity, and that was the point I was trying to make. I’m sorry I went so far off topic.” 

Cas’ face fell and he looked toward the ground, and Dean was reminded that people told him Cas was weird. He kind of understood it now, if he was being honest… but the expression on his face told Dean that he didn’t need another goddamn person pointing that out. 

“So, you said _they._ Are you…?” He wasn’t really sure how to ask, that entire thing confused the shit out of him and he wasn’t really sure if Satanist was actually the right word. 

“No, I’m not. I don’t practice any religion, supernatural or otherwise. If I had to explain to someone what I believe, it would be that there is _something_ \- or several somethings - out there, but I’m not vain enough to believe I know what or who they are. My mother was deeply spiritual, and insisted that Jimmy and I at least learn about the options that were out there. My father never cared much, he thanked God when he won the Heizman and then again after his first Superbowl victory, but he --”

“Wait, _what?!_ Who the hell was your…” _Novak. Fucking_ **_Novak!_ ** “Shut the fuck up, your dad is _not_ Jagger ‘the Jet’ Novak!” Dean laughed, his eyes wide and all thoughts of the devil were pushed from his mind. “That’s fucking awesome, I don’t know how I never put that together before. Your dad is one of the best running backs of all-friggen-time!” 

Cas straightened up and smiled proudly. “Yes, he is. Which, as you can imagine, put some pressure on me and Jimmy when we started playing. But he wasn’t as hard on us as you might think, I always had the impression that he was just thrilled he had something in common with us. Our older sister hates sports, and even if she didn’t, it was unlikely she would have ever played football. You said your father got hurt in college, does Sammy play?” 

“Sammy? No friggen way. He’s tall enough to be a QB but he went a different route. I’m proud of him for it.” Dean took a breath. “I’ve always been so worried I’d let my dad down, easier to just stay in line but not Sammy. He’s... he’s gonna be something.” Dean knew he probably had a stupid smile on his face but he didn’t care, he was damn proud of Sam.

Cas leaned forward to grab his water, but the little shimmy he did had both of their kneecaps touching. "Do you really believe that _you_ won't be 'something'?"

“No. I’m not sayin’ that. I’ll be something... exactly what everyone expects me to be.” Dean shrugged and drank some water.

The frown he received in response was almost funny; it was so deep. "Dean, why are you living your life for other people? You're an adult, I can understand wanting to please other people when you were younger, but... you can be whoever you want to be now."

Dean furrowed his brows. “No no. You misunderstood me, I’m not living my life for anyone. I like who I am. I love everything about football. What I meant was...” he paused, trying to word his response. “I meant, I’m exactly what people expect of me because there’s no depth to me. This is just me. There are times I wish I had more depth, but I can’t be what I’m not.” Dean ran a hand down his face and made a frustrated grunt. “Never mind. This isn’t making sense. Just... I’m fine with who I am.”

None of that did anything to change the look on Cas' face. "Dean, how deep do you want to be? You've clearly been through more than most people your age and you still walk around with a smile on your face. You're incredibly proud of your brother, you've said about four sentences to me about him and that much is clear. You befriended Garth before anyone else, and you sat here and listened to me word vomit about Satanism and small town history and yet you haven't once looked at me like I'm a psycho. All of those things tell me that you're a good person, Dean. A truly good person, despite your... loose relationship with women. If being strong and decent isn't considered having depth these days, I don't know what is."

Dean frowned and looked down. He felt like he had disappointed Cas, and it wasn’t something he wanted to feel ever again. He’d also never thought about the things Cas just said, but giving himself credit had never been one of his strong suits. “You’re the only person to ever see those things in me, Castiel.”

Cas stood and held out his hand. Dean stared at it for a moment and then took it, getting to his feet. Cas stayed close as he said, "Then maybe you've been surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Sometimes, the ones best fit to see us are the ones that don't wish to be seen themselves."

Dean’s breath hitched in his throat and he gravitated a half step closer to Cas. When he spoke, it was so low and deep it was almost a whisper. “Is that what _you_ want, Castiel? To not be seen?” He didn’t know how to say it out loud, but all he could think was... _I see you._

“I...” Cas trailed off before he even started, because they could both hear a long, gravelly growl coming from further inside the cave. 

He pulled his eyes away from Cas’ to look toward the source of the noise, unease spreading through his body. “Uhh... hey, Cas? That whole ‘eaten by a hellhound’ thing was a joke, right?”

Cas gripped his forearm and let go quickly, hurrying to pack up the cooler. “Do you really want to stick around and find out?”

Dean stood tall while Cas packed up, his eyes peeled down the dark cave. As much as he didn’t want Cas carrying the cooler alone, he wanted to be ready in case anything popped out at them. When Cas said he was done, Dean motioned for him to start walking, eyes still alert. “Just keep going, Castiel, I’ll help with the cooler in a minute.” 

Once they saw sunlight, Dean reached for the cooler and continued to follow Cas back to the Impala.

They were fairly quiet on the drive home and Dean wasn’t sure if Cas was sad or relieved that they were interrupted but he knew he personally felt both. 

On one hand. was relieved, because he definitely didn’t have the strength to tell Cas no, to... _anything_ he wanted. And on the other hand, he was sad, because he didn’t want to stop. He may be nervous to let Cas have his way with him, but he still craved it, more than he would ever admit to even himself. 

And then there was the fact that he doubted Cas wanted him. He’d made plenty of comments on meathead football players and there’s also the history with Jask. Cas didn’t want another jock, that was clear. So, why did Dean feel they _both_ wanted that kiss? Maybe Cas was just horny from being celibate and Dean made it easy?

Either way, he was under no illusions that Castiel Novak actually wanted to be with _him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mamihlaptinatapai  
> [The wordless look between two people who both desire something, yet are reluctant to initiate]


	7. Schwellenangst

“ _The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls._ ” 

\- Edgar Allan Poe

**Castiel**

Cas jerked awake, took off his glasses and rubbed the spot where the nose pad had dug into his skin. He looked down at the table, there were papers strewn everywhere and a small wet spot threatened to ruin the study guide he’d made for his medieval art class. He hastily shoved the pages out of the way and dried the table off with the bottom of his shirt. That was the second time that week that he’d fallen asleep trying to study, but with Dean and Jimmy gone practically all day, the house was too quiet for him to stay focused. 

This was the last week of the summer semester, and while finals didn’t seem to be nearly as grueling for these classes, he was still stressed out. Dean and Jimmy were at each other’s throats most of the time - since training camp was in full swing, they’d officially begun fighting over the strong safety position. Cas had no idea who was winning or losing, but he was growing exhausted by the passive aggressive bickering which only added to the natural stress of finals. 

He rubbed the stubble on his jaw and was just about to get up and shave it off when he realized how incredibly late he was running. “Shit! Shit, shit shit…” Cas bolted off the chair, grabbed his things and raced across campus to Poughkeepsie. He was only ten minutes late, but that was  _ seriously  _ not like him. This entire summer had been rough for some reason, and he smiled apologetically at his co-worker Charlie as he pulled on his apron. “Sorry I’m late.” 

“Did you just wake up?? Eek. Maybe you should have taken less classes this summer, the semester is about to kick your butt!” the perky redhead said. “Dean told me you were stressed, but that five o’ clock shadow is kinda hot,” she joked.

Cas rolled his eyes heavily. "I'm sure he did, did he  _ also  _ tell you that he's half the reason I'm stressed out? The classes have next to nothing to do with it, honestly." He grabbed some of the books that had been looked at and set aside and stepped in front of the bookcase to find their rightful spots. "They're driving me insane."

Charlie locked the wheels on the cart and starting putting books up right by him. “Is it the testosterone?”

_ “Pheromones _ might be more accurate,” he mumbled. 

Charlie thought about that a moment and then her eyes widened. “Dean?? I thought you’d never even think a football player was hot after  _ he who must not be named.” _

"I'm sorry, I thought you said you'd  _ met _ Dean?" he deadpanned. "And Jaskier isn't Voldemort, Charlie. You can say his name."

“Okay,  _ Jerkier, _ whatever. I have met Dean, and he’s awesome. Definitely not straight, but he doesn’t know it yet.”

Cas dropped the book he'd been trying to re-shelve. "I’m sorry, what did you say?” 

She laughed and picked it back up for him. “Boys are so clueless.” She shook her head. “Dean isn’t straight.”

"Of course he is. He's..." but when Cas thought about it, his gaydar had been pinging off the charts since day one - Dean had just been so focused on women that he'd mostly ignored it. But that day in the cave... Cas had been  _ sure  _ they were about to kiss... "Fucking hell."

Charlie made a  _ ding ding! _ noise. “All makes sense now, huh? But he doesn’t know yet, and it’s  _ his  _ job to figure out, Cas.”

His heart sank to his toes. She was right, but if anything... this epiphany just made things a thousand times worse. "He's beautiful, Charlie, and I think there's a lot more to him than most people think.  _ And! _ The fucker walks around practically naked most of the time, how am I..." Cas trailed off as a student walked past and then lowered his voice, leaning closer to her. "How the hell am I supposed to navigate this? I've never been so physically attracted to someone in my entire life, and that includes  _ ‘Jerkier’.” _

“I can see the beauty, Cas. But he also needs to find himself. And if you repeat any of this I will curse you.”

"I won't be telling a soul, I'm not looking forward to finding out how Jaskier would react to me being interested in him. I know you're right, Charlie, I would never do anything to try and force Dean to admit it - if it's even true. And, if it is, that boy could have anyone on this earth that he wanted... he's not going to pick a nerd that spends his free time LARPing and reading about Satanism." He grimaced from the memory of that conversation; he hadn't even made it to the good parts of the myths.

Charlie frowned. “Don’t worry about how Jask feels. He didn’t worry about how  _ you  _ felt when he dumped you in front of half the student body. And how do you not see how awesome you are?” She dropped three books and bent over to pick them up before responding. “Has he shown any interest?”

Cas shut down. He wasn't worried about hurting Jask's feelings, he was afraid that Jask would take it out on Dean whether or not Dean reciprocated. The last thing Cas wanted was Dean's life getting harder, especially when it seemed like he already had to overcome so much just to get here. "Not really. Nothing concrete, anyway. It doesn't matter, like you said, I can't do anything about it anyway until he admits it to himself and that's not likely to happen." He cleared the last book from the cart and looked around for an escape. It wasn't Charlie's fault, she was wonderful, but he just... couldn't. "I'm going to go check the restrooms and see if the vending machines need stocked. If you need me, just yell." He smiled lightly at her and took off before she had a chance to respond.

~~~~

Dinner that night was awkward, Cas was unintentionally looking for any signs that Charlie had been right but with Jimmy right there, he couldn’t really pry. That was probably a good thing, but his curiosity was going to eat him alive if he didn’t get an answer soon. 

He’d turned in early, the conversation had once again dissolved into nitpicking on Dean and Jimmy’s parts and he didn’t think he could sit through much more of it. He closed the door behind him, making his way over to his bed after stripping down to just his boxers and lying there in the dark. 

As usual, Dean’s…  _ everything  _ was right there in his mind. His face, the hard lines of his body, the smooth curve of that perfect ass. Those eyes… and even though he’d never seen him completely naked, Dean’s favorite grey basketball shorts did little to hide what he was packing when he sat down. 

_ Is he really bi? Would it be  _ **_that_ ** _ much of a shock if he was?  _ Memories of the last couple of months flashed through his head. Awkward encounters, Dean getting flustered over sexual comments... the way Dean’s body language constantly seemed to invite him in. 

The longer he thought about it, the thicker his cock became. He pressed his palm against it in an attempt to halt that particular chain of events, but his mind had other plans. Cas was right back in that cave, mere inches from Dean. He’d been  _ so  _ close to just leaning in and kissing him, Cas knew it. 

He remembered that moment so vividly he could pretty much relive it whenever he wanted to. The smell of sweat and faint cologne mixing perfectly on Dean’s body, the cool dampness of the cave around them… the feel of goosebumps on Dean’s skin… the way it had felt when Cas worked up the nerve to lean in and kiss his shoulder.  _ Fuck.  _ He was fully hard, and before he even fully knew what he was doing, Cas was shoving down the waistband of his boxers and fisting his own cock. 

Cas hadn’t gotten off in so long he knew he’d get there in a matter of minutes if he just gave in and let himself think about Dean. He’d sworn to himself that he wasn’t going to cross that line for his own good, but it was pretty much too late - Cas already had Dean on his knees in his mind and was sliding his cock past those perfect, pouty lips. 

His hand moved quicker and he focused his thumb under the tip, his hips jerking from how fucking good it felt to finally get some action. His mattress creaked and he swore under his breath, settling back down on the bed and burying his mouth in his elbow to further stifle his moans. 

Faster and deeper he drove himself into Dean’s eager mouth, his hand tightening its grip as he got closer to the edge. He was so,  _ so  _ close to finally coming, and when he tried to call forth the memory of Dean saying his full name like a prayer in that cave, all he came up with was the sound Dean made when he came. Cas moaned into his arm, his eyes squeezed shut and his balls tightened in anticipation. But then, his traitorous brain decided to remind him that Dean hadn’t been making those sounds for  _ him, _ he had been coming for a  _ girl.  _ A  _ lot  _ of girls.  _ Only  _ girls.  __

He choked on the air and bit down as he tried to keep going, but it was too late. His cock was softening in his hand and the blood was quickly rushing back to its original location in his body. 

How the  _ fuck  _ did he manage to ruin his own orgasm? 

He was out of breath, frustrated beyond belief, and absolutely no closer to coming  _ or  _ falling asleep. If he didn’t get at least one of those things soon, he was going to scream. 

**Dean**

As always, actual training was a  _ bitch. _ Dean had worked out every day this summer, and yet every single muscle in his body was sore. The first week was  _ always  _ the hardest and by day three, Dean was whimpering every time he sat on the damn couch. 

The following week was a little better, but he was still limping slightly and struggled with the stupid stairs at the university. If he did one more fucking bleacher lap he would probably shit himself. He limped his ass home, admired Baby’s beautiful body and went inside. Jimmy had been hanging out with a girl from one of his classes, she surprisingly wasn’t a cheerleader but they seemed to be hitting it off well, because he hadn’t been home as much this last week. But Cas was, and boy, was he grouchy. 

He was sitting in the kitchen, eating his dinner when Dean entered the house. “Geez, Cas, what did that salad do to you?”

He grumbled, stabbing the salad with his fork. “Failed to get me off. Why, are you suddenly representing rabbit food now?”

“No. I was gonna point out that you need  _ more _ than rabbit food, but now I think you have bigger problems. H-how long has it been?”

“Lost count. Two months? How long have you been here?” Cas looked confused for a moment and then glared at his plate.  _ “That _ long.”

“What, is it  _ my  _ fault? Did I move into your sex bed or somethin’?”  _ Why does it feel like he’s blaming me? _

“I assure you, Dean, If you’d moved into my  _ sex bed, _ I wouldn’t be having this issue.” Cas aggressively took another bite and shifted in his seat, refusing to make eye contact.

Dean was happy he looked away, because his eyes went wide when he remembered something he’d forgotten Jask said. Cas had fucking  _ restraints _ tied to his bed. Dean coughed and choked on his own spit, rushing to the safety of his bedroom. 

He heard the footsteps, but it still didn’t prepare him. Cas stood in the doorway, his hair even more messed up than it had been three minutes ago. “Are you going to throw up? I’m confused why you didn’t go to the bathroom.”

“Nah.” He coughed loudly and hit his chest. “I just choked.” Dean froze again, instantly picturing himself choking on something much larger and then blushed.  _ Why the fuck did his mind go there?? _ “Uh, apparently breathing and walking is harder than I thought.” He hoped the joke would get Cas to walk away, since he couldn’t trust his mind right now, but Cas was still there and then he word-vomited something he  _ never _ should have touched. “Need some porn suggestions?”

Cas raised a single eyebrow. “That depends. Are you going to watch it with me?”

Dean’s temperature felt like it went up at  _ least _ three degrees. “Um... is that something people do? I always thought it was something people just didn’t talk about.”

“Hmm. It’s more fun when there’s another person, but not if I’m not going to be allowed to...  _ touch. _ Besides, I’m not interested in cheerleader porn.”

“I don’t watch cheerleader porn!” Dean sounded  _ way _ too defensive and needed to find a change of subject before Cas asked him the type of porn he  _ did _ like.

But, apparently Cas could read fucking minds. “Then tell me, Dean, what  _ is _ it that gets you off?”

“I- uh.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “It depends on my mood.” He dropped his bag and then walked out to raid the fridge and eat some leftovers.  _ Change of subject... change of subject… _ “At least today wasn’t too hot.”  _ The fucking weather?!? Jesus fuck, Winchester! _

Cas stayed where he was, staring at the ground for a moment. “I’m going to take a shower, I need to go to work soon. I’m glad you’ve... cooled off.” He disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door harder than necessary.

Dean exhaled in relief. He could  _ never  _ lie to Cas. He could deflect, but that wasn’t the same thing, right? 

The fact that Dean would tell Cas literally anything  _ and _ do whatever he asked was terrifying. Dean just couldn’t deny Cas. If he walked out right now and said  _ Dean, let me tie you to my bed and fuck you...  _ Dean would fucking crawl there. 

_ Argh! What the fuck!!! _

This was a fucking shit show. 

Dean ate his fucking cold dinner and then jumped in the shower when Cas finished, neglecting his semi the entire time.  _ Why couldn’t Cas get off?  _ The thought surprisingly bothered him and he wished he had the balls to go in there and help him. 

His hand slid down his body without thinking and gripped his cock.  _ No! Bad hand.  _ Dean let go and rushed through his shower. 

When the water shut off, he heard a very loud, frustrated groan. Like maybe Cas had tried again and didn’t expect the water to shut off as he complained.  _ Fuck. Poor guy needs some help. _

He quietly made his way to his room and stayed in his towel, grabbing his phone and pulling up his favorite porn as of late.

It was amateur - but he’d always preferred that to acting. The men were obviously a couple and had a few videos Dean enjoyed, but  this  one was his favorite. The towel fell around his feet as his fully hard cock twitched and without thinking, he forwarded Cas the link. 

Like some cruel joke, it took  _ forever _ to send. Dean stared at that blue line as it traveled across his screen and panicked right at the end. He clicked it and tried to delete it, to stop it in any way he could, but the  _ whoosh  _ sound may as well have been a bucket of cold water. 

_ Fuck. _

He slowly walked towards his bed and sat down. His entire body was bright red and his heartbeat was thumping loudly in his ears. When Cas  _ didn’t  _ come storming into his room, he took a deep breath and looked back at the video he had just sent to his fucking roommate. The couple looked too much like them. Dean should have picked a different one, not the one with the buff, sandy brown haired man tied to a bed with his tall, onyx haired lover looming over him, preparing to devour every inch of his sub.

Dean had definitely discovered some new kinks since he moved to that house, and Jask painting the damn photo in his mind did  _ not  _ help. 

The top slapped the bottom’s ass, leaving a bright pink hand print and Dean groaned. Fuck… he wanted this.  _ Needed _ this. And he needed it with Cas. With  _ Cas, _ who is a  _ man. _ Because Dean was gay. Not bi. Dean didn’t want a woman, he’d be fine if he  _ never _ saw another woman naked and they were never what he truly wanted. He wanted to fucking bottom. 

Dean mumbled to himself for the first time in his entire life. “Gay…” He blushed - though no one was around - and then slammed his eyes shut. “I’m gay.” He whispered.  _ Holy shit!! I said it.  _ Dean felt the burn of an unshed tear but was gratefully distracted by a beautiful moan in the other room.

Castiel was coming!

Dean almost tripped on the way to his door to listen but by the time his ear was pressed to it, Cas was done. 

_ That was absolutely Cas and it was definitely a success. Did Cas actually just come to the video I sent?! _

Dean’s neglected cock leaked and he walked back to his bed and laid down, shoving his pillow over his face and grabbing his cock almost aggressively. He stroked it hard and fast without faltering,  _ I’m fucking gay. I want Castiel to fuck me into his mattr-  _

And Dean was coming. It was a silent, strained orgasm as he bit down on his pillow and pumped himself, his spend covering his entire torso.

He tossed the pillow and had to blink away the stars from the most satisfying orgasm he had ever had. 

~~~~

They didn’t talk about it.  _ Ever. _

Dean was thankful, mostly. He didn’t want to be called out for sending Cas a gay porn, but he also craved Cas’ attention. Dean caught Cas looking at him more often than he showed, and every single time he caught Cas staring, his chest swelled with pride. Cas could literally have  _ anyone,  _ and yet he was staring at Dean.

Dean knew he was hot, he wasn’t blind. But everyone wanted him for  _ just  _ that. He was a fucking accessory for chicks. Not for Cas. Cas had seen right through all of Dean’s walls - as though they were glass - and he  _ still _ wanted to be around him. 

Now that the fall semester had begun, Cas and Dean had Intro to Psychology together every Friday. They didn’t often talk on the walk to class, but that was also kind of the beauty of it. He genuinely enjoyed Cas’ company, even when it was just a comfortable silence. 

Their teacher was a smug English asshole and Dean just didn’t fucking like him. It may have had to do with the fact that he did a double take when Cas walked in his classroom and how he always stared straight into those beautiful cerulean eyes.  _ Yeah, yeah, they’re beautiful. Walk away, you small-nosed Severus Snape. _

Ketch didn’t like Dean either, and that was fan-fucking-tastic. This was going to be a long semester. 

The fucker would ask him questions on pieces of the chapter they hadn’t even gone over yet. Like this time, which earned him his greasy nickname. Just call Dean Harry friggen Potter, because he was literally taking fucking notes when he called his name.

“Mr. Winchester.”

Dean looked up abruptly. “Uh, yeah?”

“Explain nature versus nurture.” 

Dean glanced down at his notes, they weren’t even on that subject. It threw him off and before he could say anything, Ketch spoke again. “And this is why jocks should take their required courses over the summer. The rest of the class was listening to every word I was saying while you  _ doodled _ on your notepad.”

“I’m not doodling. I’m taking notes. You weren’t even discussing nature versus nurture. You were discussing the history of psychology and how-”

“Very well.” Ketch dismissed him and began talking to the class again, as if he didn’t just try to embarrass him and make him look like a damn idiot.  Dean clenched his jaw and his posture was rigid. This school shit wasn’t easy, but he was trying, and fuck anyone who was going to make him feel inadequate.  It took a few moments for him to calm down and when he finally did, he had no clue what Ketch was even talking about.  _ Awesome. _

When class ended, Dean pushed all that from his mind, because now he could focus on football. 

Tomorrow was the first game of the season and Dean was well past ready to hit some people. He had so much tension built up over the past couple months he thought he’d explode if he didn’t tackle someone -  _ really,  _ tackle someone - soon. __ There was still the possibility he’d be benched but he had shown his skills in both strong  _ and  _ free safety and when it came down to it, Dean just needed to step on that field tomorrow.

The morning of, he and Jimmy went for a jog. Nothing big, just enough to get the juices flowing and Dean was thrilled to hear Cas was going to attend the season opener. Yeah, he was going for the Grimoire and his brother, but he’d still get to see Dean in action. And for some reason, Dean cared more about his approval than the damn coaching staff - not that he’d ever say that in the vicinity of Coach Singer. He’d get benched for sure.

He wasn’t even a little surprised when Cas pulled out his camera and insisted on taking a picture of him and Jimmy in full uniforms before the game. It was honestly just nice that it was a  _ normal  _ moment, and not like the 87 candids Cas had taken of him over the summer. Yeah, it was weird, but it was also kinda cute. Something that was just so purely…  _ Cas.  _

When it was finally time to run onto the field, Dean slid his helmet on and jumped in place. Adrenaline was pumping and he was ecstatic when he was notified he’d be starting as free safety. He felt bad for Ruiz, the guy worked hard all summer just to bust his ankle on his morning jog. Goes to show anything can happen at any time but  _ this  _ was Dean’s chance to show exactly what he was made of. 

“Ready for the big leagues, Winchester?” Morningstar clasped his shoulder. 

“Born ready, stayed ready.” He slid in his mouth guard and jogged onto the field. 

**Castiel**

Cas stood in the front row of the bleachers wearing Jimmy’s #29 practice jersey with eye black and a red foam finger. Charlie was on his right, equally decked out with pom-pom pigtails and bow-and-arrow face paint. Kevin, in contrast, was standing on his other side looking even more harassed than usual - but that was probably because Cas had physically dragged him away from his mounting load of homework. 

He was already hoarse from screaming; Morningstar had kicked the season off with a 68-yard touchdown pass to their best wide receiver, Jack Danvers, and now it was his twin’s time to shine. 

He could see Jimmy lined up in the back of a 4-3 front, but he wasn’t alone. A wide grin spread across Cas’ face and his cheers got louder when he realized Dean was right next to him. Charlie must have noticed Dean’s gleaming #24 as well, because she smacked the hell out of Cas’ arm. “I see him, Charlie! Shut up.” He blushed and leaned forward until the railing separating him from the field dug uncomfortably into his ribs. 

The Spin City Twisters’ center snapped the ball and Cas didn’t know which safety to focus on. Dean rushed forward as Jimmy dropped back, and as much as Cas wanted to watch his brother… he was finally getting to see Dean  _ move.  _

Not much happened with either one that initial snap, they’d run up the middle and the kid didn’t get past the line. Jimmy broke up a deep pass on third down and after a decent punt return, the Hunters’ offense was back on the field. He was a little disappointed he didn’t get to see much from Dean, but he reminded himself that was only the first drive. 

Cas had to begrudgingly admit that Jaskier looked fantastic. So far, he was playing better than Cas had ever seen him. He was reading the defense perfectly, and the offense as a whole was functioning as a well-oiled machine. It was hard to believe it was only the first game of the season, but then again… the only new player was Dean so they were used to playing with each other. 

Garth split the uprights to bring the score to 10-0, and Cas started to relax. Barely 7 minutes into the first quarter and they already had a comfortable lead.

The rest of the first half passed without much incident. Jimmy and Dean seemed to make an excellent team, and other than one missed tackle that resulted in a touchdown and failed two point conversion, not many receivers or backs got past them. 

Helltown’s marching band came on during halftime and Cas took a moment to wipe the sweat from his forehead. Kevin had disappeared, but Cas wasn’t really surprised. He’d been impressed that he’d showed up at all. 

Charlie grinned at him and handed him his water bottle, and after he chugged almost all of it, he set it down between his feet. 

“So, Cas. Are you in love yet?” 

He thanked whatever gods were listening that he’d already swallowed, and that the heat explained the redness in his cheeks.  _ I’ve been in love since the day he walked in, and even if that wasn’t the case… it would have been over for me the second Dean sent me that porn link.  _ He wasn’t stupid, the two in the video looked an awful lot like  _ they  _ did, and Dean sent it entirely too quickly for it to not be one he’s watched more than once. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Nothing has even happened yet.” 

She eyed him knowingly, and he pointedly looked away from her. He cheered for the band with nearly the same intensity that he did for the team, and within a few minutes the action started again. 

By the middle of the third quarter, the Hunters were still up with a score of 17-13, but the Twisters were driving again. Whatever happened in their locker room seemed to have renewed their spirit, and Cas was starting to get nervous. Neither Dean nor Jimmy seemed to be able to do much, the offense was constantly changing their formation and the defensive backfield was a mess trying to keep up. 

“Come on! Get him!” The running back had broken through the defensive line and was only stopped from taking it to the house by one of the cornerbacks managing to trip him up. 

Coach singer called for a timeout, and Cas stepped down from the railing that he hadn’t noticed he’d climbed. Charlie was probably talking to him, but he was chewing his lip and watching the defense huddled on the sideline with bated breath. 

That next drive, he finally got what he wanted. The defense aligned in a cover 1 - Jimmy was on the far side of the field covering the Twisters’ best receiver with access to the tight end, and Dean dropped back in coverage. The Spin City QB faked the hand-off and spun outside of the pocket, but he didn’t correct his form enough before throwing downfield. Cas’ heart leapt into his throat when his eyes followed the ball to a wide-open receiver. A black-and-red jersey streaked across the field and leaped into the air, intercepting the ball and then was tackled almost immediately. In the chaos and cheering that followed, Cas put his hand on Charlie’s shoulder to try to stop her from jumping up and down so he could focus -  _ which one was it!  _ All he’d seen was a 2, and a number that could have easily been 4 or 9. His eyes searched the rest of the players and he saw Jimmy jogging over to the pile that had formed, which meant… it was  _ Dean. _

Seconds passed as the refs tried to untangle the mass of bodies, and he was suddenly worried for Dean. He didn’t give a shit if he’d held control of the ball, he wanted Dean to be okay. Having six people pin you to AstroTurf wasn’t comfortable - he should know - and Dean probably wasn’t used to getting tackled at all. 

But the ref signaled the change of possession and Cas caught a glimpse of Dean jumping up and running toward the sidelines, where he was immediately swallowed up by his teammates. Charlie shoved him with a grin as Cas shredded what was left of his vocal chords. Now that the panic had subsided, that was one of the hottest things he’d ever seen. He was going to have to have someone edit the hell out of the article he wrote for this game, or it was going to end up more NSFW than ESPN. 

Dean’s pick seemed to be the shift in momentum that they needed, and Jask played like an animal. The offense drove down the field and finished what Dean started with a quarterback sneak over the goal line. 

It was over from there, the Twisters couldn’t get anything going and the Hunters were playing like their lives depended on it. Two more beautiful Fitzgerald field goals later, the final score flashed across the scoreboard: 30-13. 

The bleachers erupted louder than thunder, and Cas and Charlie found themselves in the middle of a stampede. He wanted to stay to congratulate the team, but he lived with the only two he really wanted to see besides Garth and fighting the hoard wasn’t worth it. He grabbed his friend and they snuck around to the back of the stands, high-fiving each other and saying goodbye. 

He jogged home, a huge smile splitting his face as he thought about what to make his victors for dinner. 

**Dean**

The fact that a  _ freshman _ got the first interception of the season was a huge deal, and instantly started a new competition on that damn white board but this one felt much better to be a part of than the last. Whoever got the most interceptions this season not only got bragging rights, they also got a hundred bucks. And for a college student, that was a lot of money. 

Dean felt like he was living a dream. The team went to celebrate at Morningstar’s dorm and Dean almost went, but instead decided to go home.  He lied to his teammates, saying he promised he’d call his little brother to give a play-by-play and maybe come by later. After some teasing, they parted ways and he walked home, still grinning the entire way. 

When he entered the house, he could smell Cas was cooking and knew he made the right decision.  Picturing Cas cooking for them and no one showing up made him feel shitty; he’d come straight home after every game if it kept Cas from ever feeling those emotions. Since it was just them, and Dean was still feeling confident after the game, he walked up and poked Cas playfully in the ribs. “Honey, I’m home.”

Cas tilted his head and smirked. “What, no kiss? I’ve been slaving over this hot stove for at  _ least _ ten minutes.”

“Oh, is this how it’s gonna be?” Dean plopped up on the counter, that stupid grin plastered across his face. “I looked for you in the mob.”

“Charlie and I chose not to get trampled.” Cas flipped the stove off and turned, leaning forward against the counter next to Dean. “I thought celebrating with dinner was better than a funeral.”

“Well if you wanted a kiss,  _ that _ would have been the time. But I can’t now that I’m thinking clearly, you’re wearing the wrong number.”

Cas frowned at his brother’s jersey and sighed heavily. “Looks like there’s going to be a funeral anyway, the disappointment is going to kill me.” He smoothed his hand over the number 9 and looked at Dean through his lashes. “I didn’t have a choice, though... you didn’t ask me to wear yours.”

Dean thought about that. “I didn’t think you would.” He looked down at his hands. “Next time?”

“Don’t you have a hoard of brainless cheerleaders fighting over it already?” Cas grinned and turned to make up the burgers. “I’d hate to break their hearts...  _ again.” _

“Nah, I don’t let chicks wear my jersey. Never have. I hate that it’s like some novelty to them or some dibs thing for who they’re fucking that night.” Dean had to also bite back a comment on how Cas looked much better in a practice jersey than any chick ever has.

Cas handed him a plate full of food with a sarcastic frown on his face. “Does that mean you won’t let me fuck you even  _ if _ I choose your jersey over my twin’s? The disappointments are mounting, better move up that funeral.”

Apparently that interception was all Dean could hold onto today, because that full plate of food slipped from his grasp and clattered onto the floor. His eyes widened from the shock of Cas’ question and he hoped he could play it off. “Shit. Come on, Cas. That was a bad hand-off.”

The frown became less sarcastic as Cas stared at the mess on the floor. “I’m sorry, Dean. You’re right, it was... bad.” He quickly cleaned up the mess and jerked his head toward the stove. “Take Jimmy’s, since he’s not back yet I’m going to assume he’s not coming.”

Dean hopped off the counter to help clean up. “I’ll buy some new plates this week. This actually isn’t the first one I dropped, but that last time wasn’t fully my fault either.” Dean looked at the perfectly ruined cheeseburger and felt bad. “This looks delicious though, thank you, Castiel.”

Cas looked like he was trying to hide his smile, but failed miserably. “Hurry up and eat, as good as you look all covered in sweat... you stink.” He grabbed his own burger and sat down on the couch, popping a chip into his mouth.

“Ouch. I thought you’d enjoy the smell, maybe feel some nostalgia.” He grinned as he stripped down to his boxers, then sat at the small dining table to eat. The first bite made him moan. “Fuck.  _ So  _ good.”

Cas stopped with his burger still two inches from his mouth and stared right at him. “This is going from an accidental death to flat out homicide, Dean.” He shifted on the couch and pointedly looked away, aggressively taking a bite of his burger.

Dean blushed but was still feeling confident, and the fact that they weren't surrounded by other people was doing wonders for him. “What’s wrong...  _ Castiel?” _

The sound that came from Cas’ throat was un-fucking-real. He chewed slowly and fixed his eyes on Dean, pinning him to his seat. “I’m just thinking about how well you played today, and that it’s a shame I can’t congratulate you...  _ properly.” _

“W-what would yo-” _Shut up, Dean._ “Never mind.” He took a bigger-than-necessary bite to keep from asking.

Cas was silent for a moment, giving them both some space.  “I meant that I don’t know what you like, other than burgers. I was hoping to surprise you both, but I think my schedule has fried my brain and I couldn’t seem to come up with anything other than food.”

“Food after a game?” Dean’s mouth was still full and he had to swallow before continuing. “Nothin’ better than that.” He could imagine one specific thing might be better, but he’d never tried it.

“That’s not quite how I remember it, but then again... this isn’t about me.” Cas finished his food and took his plate to the sink. “I need to wash my face, these marks are getting itchy. I’ll try to hurry up so you can shower, I’m sure you’re eager to get back to your team.”

“Not really. But go ahead, I’ll finish eating and then shower when you’re done.” Dean turned back to his food in deep thought as Cas walked away. He really wanted Cas to explain how he’d congratulate him... but more than that, he wanted Cas to just  _ do _ it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Schwellenangst  
> [Fear of crossing a threshold to begin a new chapter]
> 
> I told you guys this was a slow burn, right?


	8. Velleitie

_ “Your mouth says ‘No’, but your eyes say, ‘Fuck me until your dick breaks off inside of me and fuses into some kind of barbie doll crotch.’”  _

\- Robert Kirkman

**Dean**

Dean ended up being happy Cas didn’t push on _ congratulating  _ him after that interception, but in the past week or so, he found himself thinking about it more. What exactly did he mean? The logical part in Dean’s brain assumed something sexual. But the fear that always clouded all those thoughts, tried to find a different answer.  _ Tried and failed. _

He sat on the couch watching the shitty Browns, but Dean was just happy to be doing something normal... that didn’t involve flirting with other dudes. Before his mind could wander too much more on that, Jimmy walked in and plopped down on the recliner. Dean smirked. “You should just go back to what you’re doing. You know they’re gonna lose.”

Jimmy flipped Dean off without looking at him. "You wish, Winchester. The Browns are gonna kick some Raider ass next week, you can start crying about it now if you'd like."

Dean made a pfft sound. “I don’t cry, for one. And for two, no they are not. Carr, Murray, Cooper, Crabtree. That’s just offense buddy. Do I even have to bring up the defense? Because we got Woodson back and yeah he’s a safety now, but I guarantee he gets at least one interception.”

“Wanna put your money where your mouth is, tough guy? Woodson’s old, no way he picks of McCown.”

“Your mom’s old. $50 it happens before the clock hits zero.” Dean was in his basketball shorts, so he didn’t have his wallet on him, but he knew he had $50 in the room somewhere.

“You’re on,” Jimmy said, right as Cas walked out with his stupid hair a mess and his stupid glasses on. 

“Why are you talking about my mother? Did she call you, too?”

“Me? Should I be expecting a call from your mom?” Dean looked between them both confused.

“I wouldn’t be surprised. Let’s just say, my mother, she... doesn’t understand personal space.” Cas took a seat next to Dean, a little too close for comfort. 

“Our mother is a saint and you know it, Cas. What’d she want?”

Cas shifted. “Apparently, to give us four tickets to next week’s game. It’s home, and she said to take ‘dates.’”

“The Raider game?! Cas... come on. Can I please go? I’ll pay,” Dean pleaded. He didn’t think he’d get to go to a game at all for a few years.

Jimmy laughed loudly. “Why am I not surprised that Cas mentioned the word date and Winchester practically jizzed his pants?”

Cas’ face flushed and he looked away from both of them. “You don’t need to pay, Dean. You’ll just need to drive.”

“Dream come true, I love to drive.” He turned towards Jimmy, “I’ve never jizzed my pants. But Ashley said you did once.”

The look on Jimmy’s face was priceless. “She teased me for like four hours! I’m sure no chick has ever stayed interested in you long enough to do that, so I get why you haven’t had the same experience.”

Cas sighed. “Nevermind, I’ll walk.”

“Stamina, Jimbo. It’s why I outrun you 9/10 times.” Dean looked over at Cas, “Why would you walk? You like my car.”

“Because I’d rather stay home than listen to the two of you argue about which one is better in bed.”

Jimmy frowned sarcastically at him. “Aw, Cas. That Samhain-style Homecoming’s in a couple weeks, that freaky shit is right up your alley. Get yourself a...  _ boo.” _ He chuckled at his own joke and then pointed at Dean. “Oh, and 4 outta 10 at best.”

Dean huffed a laugh at  _ boo _ but the smile faded at the thought of Cas with someone. “We don’t need to argue, that’s been settled. You’re giving me a ticket for free, I’ll repay with not talking about sex.”

“Can’t talk about what you’re not having, Winchester. Me, on the other hand... taking Ophelia to an NFL game is gonna be a great way to get laid.” Jimmy sat forward in his chair, cussing at the refs on the tv and Dean rolled his eyes. 

Cas offered what looked like a forced smile at best and then stood up. “Glad that’s settled. I’m going to keep studying, I’ve got the game on the radio in my room. Let me know when you two get hungry and I’ll make dinner.”

Dean nodded. He actually preferred when Cas was out here with them but whatever, he wasn’t about to bring it up.

Once Cas was out of earshot, Jimmy glared at Dean. “I’m watching you, Winchester. Just know that.”

Dean looked back at the tv and frowned. He almost responded but decided not to engage in whatever the fuck that was.  _ Watching me? The fuck? _

~~~~

Cas knocked on his door. “Dean! Hurry up, we need to get on the road unless we want to get stuck in traffic for two hours.”

Dean straightened out his black and white Woodson jersey in the mirror and walked out, “Alright, let’s go. You get shotgun.” He winked and led the way.

He heard grumbling behind him and grinned as they climbed into the car. Jimmy and Ophelia had followed them out, and Jimmy smacked him in the back of the head once he closed the door. “Of course he does, dumbass. We’re about to taint your precious backseat.”

Ophelia groaned. “Jim, can you behave for like, six seconds?”

Dean laughed. “Yeah, good luck finding something that hasn’t been done back there.” He started Baby and grinned, flipping through his mixtapes.

Cas buckled his seatbelt and leaned back, crossing his arms. “We legitimately haven’t left the driveway yet, and you’ve already broken your end of the bargain.” 

“Lighten up, Cas. The chicks were here for the car, not the dude.” Jimmy smirked into the rear view mirror and then leaned over to kiss O.

Dean had completely forgotten he gave his word. “Sorry. I forgot. Here on out, promise.” He slid in a tape and put her in drive.

“At least you’ve got decent taste in music.” Cas drummed on his knee as Van Halen bled through the speakers and Dean got on the road.

“Did you doubt me? I may dance on the field to that radio bullshit, but that isn’t allowed in Baby.”

Cas glanced over at him and smiled faintly. “You call that dancing?”

“Don’t hate on the moves, Cas. I’d like to see you do better.” Dean was grinning like an idiot now.

“Lucky you, homecoming is in less than a week.” Cas laughed and then shook his head. “But I don’t dance, so I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed.”

The sound of two people sucking face abruptly stopped. “Are you  _ not _ counting that time I found you slow dancing with the broom in your underwear?”

Cas blushed and clenched his fist. “That was... a long time ago.”

“Two days is a long time, huh?” Jimmy yelped as Ophelia smacked him. 

“Why are you so mean to him?”

“Broom, huh?” Dean pictured it and laughed. _That_ _sounds_ _adorable._ “And where was I?”

“Practice. Can we please drop this?” Cas pulled his jersey over his head as Jimmy howled with laughter.

Dean was still grinning. “Yeah, we can drop it. Get back to your business, ya taint.” He glanced at Jimmy, who gave him a weird look like he was biting back another dumbass comment. He thankfully kept his mouth shut and turned back to Ophelia. 

Cas came out of his jersey with his hair even messier than before. “Are we there yet?”

Dean chuckled at his hair. “Are you gonna ask that the whole way?”

“Maybe.” Cas glanced in the backseat, then at Dean, then at his hand... then pulled out his phone and started texting someone. “I’ll distract myself, don’t worry.”

Dean nodded and took that as a  _ shut up _ queue. He turned up the music and started singing along.

Once they got into Cleveland, Cas gave him directions to the best parking garage. They were there early enough they actually got a space, and once they got through security and found their seats, Jimmy and Ophelia took off to find food. Cas stared out at the field and smiled, sucking in a deep breath. “I don’t have a good feeling about today, but it’s still good to be here.”

“I have a great feeling about today.” Dean bumped him with his elbow. He was excited, as always and also surprised there were so many Raider fans. He saw a group a few rows ahead and yelled out the signature, “Raaaaaiderrrrrs!” and was grinned like an idiot when they did it back.

Cas rolled his eyes, but the amusement was clear on his face. “I’m embarrassed to even be seen with you, sit two seats down from me until the others come back.”

Dean put an arm around him to be annoying. “Aww, you wound me.” He was too happy to care how it looked.

“You should know better.” Cas wrapped both arms around Dean’s waist and pulled him closer. “I’ll beat you in this every time.”

Dean blushed bright red and pulled away, “Gonna take a piss, wanna come? Not like... together I just mean like, before the game starts? I’ll be back.”  _ Fucking idiot!! _

“Sure, but only because I want to walk around for a little bit. This stadium is amazing.”

“Show me around.” Dean already felt better now that they were moving and it didn’t take long for him to find other Raider fans. He laughed and talked shit as they walked around.

After a quick stop in the bathroom, they ventured back out of the stadium itself and Cas circled around the back to where Lake Erie was visible. It was a gorgeous day, and Cas took a few pictures on his cell phone, then hummed quietly and sat on the ground in the middle of friggen nowhere.

Dean looked around and then shrugged, taking a seat with Cas. He couldn’t help but smile. “Man, it’s almost too nice of a day for the poor Browns to get spanked.”

“Do you require certain weather when  _ you  _ get spanked?” Dean choked on air but thankfully, Cas kept talking. “They’re the Browns, Dean. Very few love this team more than I do, but let’s be honest, here. They’re consistently terrible.” Cas tilted his head back and let the sun warm his face. “Sometimes I wonder why I bother, but... I don’t believe in lost causes.”

He cleared his throat, pushing the  _ spankings  _ thoughts aside. “I know all about loyalty to a shitty team, Castiel. I mean, think of the Raiders before Carr... yeah, I don’t like talking about it. It was like abuse every Sunday. Sometimes loyalty just bites us in the ass.” Dean looked away to stare at the sky.

“Yes, but-“ Cas’ phone vibrated on the concrete and he picked it up, sighing quietly to himself. “They’re back in their seats. Jimmy wants to know where we are.”

“So, he and O get to sneak off and suck face, and we can’t have a moment in the sun? Your brother is needy.” Dean stood up and offered a hand. “Ready?”

The hesitation was clear, but Cas accepted the help. “Jimmy might feel differently if he wasn’t actually worried  _ we _ were sucking face.”

“Why would he care?” That wasn’t what he meant to ask. He’d meant to say,  _ ‘Why in the world would he or anyone else ever think that?’ _ But instead…

Cas searched Dean’s face and tilted his head. “Nothing, nevermind. Let’s go, the game starts soon, anyway.” He took one last look at the lake and started back toward their seats.

Dean followed his gaze back and smiled, it really was fucking beautiful. He realized Cas had already begun walking away and quickly caught up. 

It took a few moments before his adrenaline began pumping again and he remembered where they were. The game was about to begin, and the Raiders fans had already begun to get annoying with their chant, so naturally, Dean joined in. Grinning at Cas when he stole a glance.

Unfortunately for Dean, they were near the Dawg Pound or whatever the hell they called it, and once all the seats filled in with drunken tailgaters, the Browns fans definitely drowned out his people. Cas took a few pictures of the three of them together before the game kicked off, and then got louder than he’d ever heard him.

Didn’t stop Dean though, he yelled over them, talked shit and surprisingly made a few “friends”. When Holmes caught the touchdown in the first quarter, Dean jumped up and cheered with a few other Raider fans in their section.

Cas didn’t seem concerned, and neither did Jimmy. They were both on their feet and screaming down at the field, and Ophelia looked bored out of her mind. A few minutes later, Jimmy and Cas were bumping their hips together and nearly falling over from it when the shit Browns scored a field goal.

Dean rolled his eyes and sat down. “You see these clowns?” He asked Ophelia, shaking his head as if he wasn’t just doing the same shit.

She giggled and covered her mouth, glancing playfully at Jimmy. “Hey, I only claim one of them. The other one’s all yours.”

“Yeah but the one you chose is actually the weird one. So... what’s that say about you?” He teased. Dean never could pass up an opportunity to innocently flirt, he absolutely had no interest in O, - or anyone for that matter - but it was all in good taste.

Cas fell silent in front of them and turned his head a little to the side like he’d heard that, then shook it off and continued what he was doing. Ophelia looked from Cas to Dean and raised her eyebrows. “You have a funny definition of ‘weird.’”

“Yeah, I know.” He stood up as the Raiders made their way down the field. “Come on baby, come on. Less than a minute.” Dean bounced on his toes, eyes locked on the field.

_ Seth Roberts comes down with it!  _ The stadium erupted with a mix of boos and cheers, and both Novaks were so red-faced from yelling that they looked like twin tomatoes.

Dean started dancing with an older woman to the music after the touchdown, she was at least fifty - and definitely drunk - but she was decked out in Raider gear and happy as can be.

He chatted more with the Raiders fans in their section during halftime and Cas disappeared somewhere with Jimmy and Ophelia. They came back with food and drinks, and Cas even brought him some ridiculously huge, messy sandwich. “Here, it’s good for your soul.”

“All things messy are, thanks Cas.” He took the sandwich and sat back in his seat. “Those two grew up close to me.” He nodded at the older couple he was talking to.

Cas’ face lit up adorably. “Really? That’s interesting. Small world.”

Dean nodded, “Yeah, I mean it was a few decades before me but I know the streets.”

Jimmy leaned around Cas and jerked his chin toward the sandwich. “You eat that thing and I’m gonna tell Coach to make you run extra laps during practice.”

“I can get food poisoning from this and  _ still _ run circles around you, bitch.” Dean took a giant bite and grinned.

“Your face gives me food poisoning. Now shut up, it’s game time.” Jimmy flashed a cheeky smile and turned to watch the kickoff as Cas aggressively shoved a nacho in his mouth.

Dean reached over and picked a nacho off Cas’ plate and grinned. “Thanks.” 

“You didn’t ask, but you’re welcome.” Dean could see he was biting back his smile though so he knew Cas really didn’t mind sharing. 

The Browns went three and out in less than two minutes, making the crowd boo a little and Dean finished eating faster than he should have. When the couple came back with an extra beer, they insisted Dean take it. He told them he was under twenty-one and they didn’t give a shit, so to be polite, he took it. He waited for them to turn around and handed it to Cas. “Help drink this, I’m driving.” 

Jimmy called him a nerd but he didn’t care he’d never risk Baby - or the cargo inside. Cas’ face was unreadable but he took the beer with a pleased smile and drank it up.

The Raiders pulled out a field goal but the Browns responded with a TD and were suddenly only ten points behind. Cas drank that beer faster than Dean expected him to, but he looked like he was enjoying the small buzz after that and Dean found himself missing the next few plays as he watched Cas instead.  _ You’re at a live NFL game and you’re starin’ at a dude. Get your shit together, Winchester. _

He turned back and noticed the Raiders were marching down the field again but the third quarter came to a close before they could bring it home. “Hey Winchester, you’re about to owe me $50. Your boy hasn’t pulled out that INT.”

“I haven’t forgotten, Novak. Still a whole quarter left, don’t count him out, yet.” Dean sat back down and took a drink of water, watching as the team walked to their side of the field. “Look, get to see this TD up close, Jimbo. Watch and learn.” Dean licked his lips and nodded playfully at Cas.

**Castiel**

_ I wish he’d stop staring at me. Or, stare at me more. I… what the hell is going on?  _ He stared down at the empty tallboy and sighed quietly. A measly thirty seconds into the final quarter, Murray ran in it for a touchdown. Dean’s celebration dance was idiotic, but it made his chest ache all the same. Why he ever thought this would be a good idea was beyond him, especially because the Browns were now down by 17 and time was running out. 

_ Sack. _

_ Incomplete pass. _

The Browns were looking at third and long, and Cas knew how bad his bitchface must have been, but he couldn’t wipe the expression from his face. Loving a losing franchise was a curse, one fitting for an inhabitant of a place called Helltown. McCown dropped back to pass…  _ complete to Hartline for 41 yards!  _ Cas screamed at the top of his lungs with a mouthful of nachos and Jimmy practically rocketed out of his seat. Dean on the other hand, ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

Leave it to the Browns to show some life when all hope seemed lost. That’s what it was all about, that’s why so many people invested their lives and hearts into such a devastatingly awful franchise. They never gave up, never lost their spark, even when it didn’t work out. 

They ended up with a field goal on that drive, but hey. It was better than nothing. Especially when the CLE defense forced a fumble and  _ that  _ drive ended in 7. 

His heart was pounding and he was gripping the container of nachos so tightly the flimsy cardboard was bending. The Raiders couldn’t get anything going and punted without a first down, but stupid Travis Benjamin muffed the catch and Oakland recovered. With only four minutes left in the game and the Raiders still up by a TD, it wasn’t looking great. 

“Come ON!” Jimmy screamed. 

The football gods must have heard him, because Carr couldn’t do shit on that drive and the next punt resulted in a touchback. 

_ They could do this. They could  _ **_actually_ ** _ pull this out!  _ He looked at Dean and smirked as the Browns marched right down the field into Oakland territory. “Hope you’re up for a little overtime before your devastating loss, Dean.”

He made an annoyed  _ pfft  _ sound. “This is just fucking typical, Raider football.”

McCown was sacked with less than a minute left, but they still had time. The ball was on the Raiders 35 yard line as the Browns took their last timeout, and they were faced with another third and long. The atmosphere was electric in the stadium. This was definitely four down territory and as long as they got out of bounds, the clock would stop and they’d have time for that last play - they  _ actually had a chance to tie!  _

Cas was on his feet, nachos be damned. He made a mental note to clean the upturned mess before he left as McCown dropped back in shotgun and launched a 23 yard pass down the field to Benjamin - but fucking Charles Woodson came down with it right on the twelve yard line. 

Dean jumped up screaming and laughing at Jimmy’s face. “Pay up, Jimbo! Fucking C.Wood!!”

Cas rolled his eyes and wondered if Jimmy would ever learn to stop making bets with Dean. His brother pulled out a few bills and slapped them into Dean’s hand, then flipped him off. 

That was it. The Raiders offense came back on the field and took a knee, and that stupid scoreboard stayed at 27-20 Raiders. Jimmy was cussing so loudly that the words sounded slurred and Cas could only make out a few of them, and Ophelia clamped her hand over Jimmy’s mouth. 

If Dean didn’t look so beautiful smiling like that, Cas would have hated the entire thing. But watching him light up like a kid on Christmas morning getting to watch his team win was worth a thousand Browns losses, even if he didn’t get to celebrate with him the way that he wanted. Cas offered Dean a soft upturn of his lips and clapped him on the shoulder. 

“Congratulations, Dean. I’m glad you got to see this, even if it hurts me to my bones.” 

Dean hugged Cas and lifted him up. “Thank you, so fucking much for bringin’ me!” 

Cas flailed for a moment and let out a loud, startled laugh. “Dean!” He was set back on his feet and suddenly wished he hadn’t been. Being in Dean’s arms for  _ any  _ reason felt amazing. 

“Ahhh balls,” Jimmy said as Cas bent down to pick up his spilled food. “Can we go? Traffic is gonna be a bitch and I want actual food sometime this century.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Go on.” Dean gestured for them to walk toward the aisle, and everyone did. Ophelia was tapping her foot impatiently, and Cas got the feeling Jimmy wasn’t the one that wanted to leave at all. He frowned a little at the thought of Jimmy ending up with someone that didn’t share his passion for the game, but things with her were still so new for Jimmy that Cas wasn’t holding his breath about it lasting long at all. He never got too attached to the girls Jimmy brought around. 

They stopped in the team shop so Jimmy could buy a new jersey, mumbling something about how “McCown sucks and I’m not wearing his stupid number anymore.” 

Cas grinned, some of the sting dissipating because he was kinda pissed at Jimmy and enjoyed seeing him get a little bit of karma. He turned to Dean and eyed the #24 on his chest. “Is Woodson the reason you wear that number for yourself?” 

Dean grinned proudly. “Absolutely. He’s been my idol since… well as long as I can remember. He’s old, but as you can see, he still got it.”

They made it out to the car, and once again, Jimmy and Ophelia started immediately making out in the backseat. Cas sighed but smiled a little at them and glanced at Dean. “Can I pick the music this time?”

Dean glanced over and looked hesitant but pointed at his box of cassette tapes. “You’re lucky my team won, normally don’t let anyone touch my tapes.”

Cas was a little smug as he bent down to rifle through the tapes. He came up with Boston’s debut and studied it for a moment, then slid it in. Dean side-eyed him and gallic shrugged, and then got back on the road. The drive wasn’t bad at all; the music was good, the weather was nice… and the company was even better. 

When they walked into the diner, Jimmy nudged Cas. “Hey, no offense or nothing, but we’re sitting by ourselves. I don’t wanna be seen with a Raiders fan after that epic bullshit, and we need a little alone time.”

“Like either of you noticed we were there the entire ride home,” Cas scoffed. “Whatever, but don’t take too long, I still have to study.” 

Jimmy flipped him off and draped his arm over O’s shoulder, leading her to a booth on the other side of the diner. Cas watched them go and then sucked in a breath, trying not to think about how date-like this was going to be.  _ Pornos notwithstanding, he doesn’t want you. This isn’t a date, it’s just two friends and roommates getting dinner.  _

They took their seats opposite each other in a way-too-small booth, and a pretty waitress came over to introduce herself. 

“Well hi, I’m Anna and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I start you two off with something to drink?” 

Dean surprisingly only offered her a quick glance. “Hello Anna, I’ll take a coke. Cas?” He met Cas’ eyes for a second and then turned back to his menu.

He relaxed minutely. He had been expecting Dean to hit on her, and honestly, that was the last thing he needed after the sting of the game. He ordered a water and she went on her way, and Cas tried to find something to order but he kept flicking his gaze up over the laminated pages to look at Dean. It should have been physically impossible for someone to be that attractive doing something so mundane, but... whatever. “Do you know what you want?”

Dean’s eyes flickered up and met Cas’. Who knows how long they stared? A minute? An hour? But of course, Dean realized what was happening and looked away with a blush. “Uh... I actually want some french toast, I don’t care what time it is. You?”

Cas made a mental note to make him breakfast after one of his games and nodded. “That’s a good choice. Maybe I’ll go with waffles...”

“We need some meat too, so are bacon and sausage good enough?” He set his menu down and drummed his fingers, his eyes meeting Cas’ again. “Be right back.” He stood up quickly and went to the bathroom.

“Yes, Dean, those are sufficient since I apparently can’t have the meat I  _ really _ want,” Cas muttered to the empty space. The waitress came back while Dean was still gone, so he ordered for both of them and fidgeted with a salt packet as he waited.

Dean slid back in the booth with a smug smile, “Some dude in the bathroom told me to fuck off when he saw my jersey.” He laughed to himself and shrugged.

Cas wrinkled his nose playfully. “Serves you right, honestly. That jersey is atrocious, and you should be ashamed of yourself.” He tilted his head toward the kitchen and tore the corner off the packet. “I ordered for us.”

“Aw, how sweet of you.” Dean rolled his eyes. “I happen to think I look  _ great _ in black, so  _ atrocious _ is crossing the line a lil bit.”

He made a show of visually devouring Dean’s upper body and then hummed appreciatively. “I can’t argue with that.”

Dean squirmed slightly but tried to play it off, “Guess those glasses work.” The waitress brought them their food and lingered a second too long, but Dean was still clearly not interested.

Cas thanked Anna and she walked away, glancing back at them a couple of times like she was trying to get a read on them. He chuckled quietly and reached for the apricot syrup, pouring a generous amount over his waffles. “I think she likes you.”

“Gross, apricot?! Now  _ that _ is atrocious.” He glanced over at the waitress and shrugged, looking back at Cas’ plate. “Actually, can I taste that?”

“Apricot for waffles, maple for everything else, I’m not a monster. Here,” Cas cut him off a piece and held the fork out.

Dean stared at it hesitantly and then leaned in to take the bite. He let out a small moan and nodded his head. “Alright, you got me.”

He set the fork back down with a clatter and squirmed. "That's all you get. No... more of that." Cas put a piece in his mouth just to distract himself and tried not to think the extremely juvenile thought that Dean's tongue just slid over that same fork.

Dean shrugged and grabbed the maple. “Fine, I’ll just eat my french toast.” He poured some on and then grabbed a sausage, biting it and chewing with his mouth open.

“You’re a Neanderthal.” Cas raised a single eyebrow at him and kept eating, eventually looking around to see where Jimmy and Ophelia ended up.

“Is that just a new way to call me a meathead?” Dean reached over and stole another cut up piece of Cas’ waffle.

Cas smacked Dean’s hand but it didn’t do any good. “Yes, it is. I thought you might like a change in verbiage since you hear it nearly every day.”

“You’re right, it was refreshing.” He deadpanned and rolled his eyes. “Whatever, not the worst thing I’ve been called.”

“You’re not a meathead, Dean.” Cas sighed and put his fork down. “Castle is a meathead. Jaskier is a meathead. But you? You are not that.” He mumbled the words and took a sip of his water, wishing he’d have just gone with chocolate milk.

“Thanks, but am I really any different than them?” Dean asked a little too seriously. “I try to be, and then I just... never mind.” He went back to his food.

Cas was still trying to work out a response to that when the waitress came back over. “Can I get you two anything else?” Cas shook his head without looking at her and lifted his fork again. 

“We’re fine, thank you.”

“Just the check, darling.” Dean looked up and flashed her a smile for the first time.

He wasn’t sure if Dean was being polite or trying to prove he really  _ was _ like all the other dumb, stupid jocks... but either way, it made him sad in ways he didn’t understand. The waitress disappeared and Cas remained silent until the check came, and he took it from her. “Thank you, Anna.”

Dean snatched it from Cas, “No, no, no. This is on me.” He pulled out his wallet and handed her some cash. “Or... on Jimmy.” He laughed at himself and looked up at the ceiling. “Thank you, Charles.”

Cas sighed dramatically. “Who knew all it would take to get you to buy me dinner was a Browns loss? We could have been doing this ages ago.” He scrunched his nose then finished off his water. “Seriously, though. Thank you. I doubt I’d have found anyone else to go with me, and I’d have been sitting here by myself waiting for the lovebirds over there.”

“Well the season just started, so not too many ages ago.” He picked up his coke and took a drink, “I’m always by myself, Cas. If you ever need me to tag along, I’m there.” He shrugged and stood up. “Let’s go ruin their date and hit the road.”

Cas blinked his eyes in surprise. He hadn’t really been talking about this season in particular, but Dean was right... they’d only met a few months ago. He stood up, turning to make sure he wasn’t leaving anything behind. “Sometimes I forget we haven’t known each other that long.”

“Yeah, that happens when you live with someone.” Dean turned and walked over to slide in Jimmy’s side of the booth and steal one of his fries. “Let’s go home, my date here is tired.” He nodded at Cas.

“Oh, have you two finally admitted it?” Ophelia looked between them with a hopeful expression, and the somersaults Cas’ stomach had done at Dean’s word choice quickly made themselves Olympics-worthy. 

“I just realized I’m suddenly needed in the... car.” He blushed deeply and turned on his heel, hurrying out of the diner. 

_ If even Ophelia could see it, why couldn’t Dean? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Velleitie  
> [a wish or powerful desire for something that cannot be followed by actions meant to pursue it]


	9. Limerence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... I'm sorry, guys, this chapter was supposed to be up yesterday. Turns out, being quarantined is making it hard for me to keep track of the days of the week and I forgot. Hope you guys enjoyed the one shot I did manage to post, it's a (sort of) teaser for the next chapter fic I'll be posting :) 
> 
> While we're on that topic, in case you guys haven't noticed, this is completely unbeta'd. If anyone would be interested in doing such a thing for the rest of this, the one I mentioned above, or the other one I'm nearly done with, shoot me an email at darkness_3bound@gmail.com.

_ “I’m still searching for an angel with a broken wing. It’s not very easy to find them these days.”  _

\- Jimmy Page

**Jimmy**

_ Okay. So Winchester’s every bit as good as he said he was, if not better. Who cares?  _ Jimmy shoved his pads and cleats back into his locker and slammed it shut. He really shouldn’t be pissed off, they’d just won their fourth game in a row and were holding steady to a No. 3 ranking. If they kept this shit up, they might actually make it to the National Championship - something Helltown had never done before. 

“What’s wrong with your face, Novak? You look like we just lost the title.” Castle leaned against the locker next to Jimmy’s and flicked him in the nose. 

Jimmy shoved him away. “Fuck off, Thad, I’m not in the mood.”

“Awww, is poor Jimmy Wimmy sad that the freshy is better than he is?” Castle was fake crying, twisting his fists in front of his face like the complete and utter fucking moron that he was. 

He looked toward the board, and the board didn’t lie. Jimmy had Dean beat on broken up passes, but was losing in both tackles and interceptions. He couldn’t complain, it meant they made up one of the most dangerous secondaries in all of D-1, but still. That smug little fucker wasn’t even playing his real position, he had no right to be that good. “Don’t you have a puppy to kick or something?” 

“Nah.”  _ Speak of the fucking devil.  _ Winchester snapped Thad’s ass with his towel and winked at Jimmy. “He’s just pissed cause between the two of us, he’s become the gridiron equivalent of a hood ornament. Not much for a subpar cornerback to do with us running all over the place like maniacs, right?” 

The struggle was real. He wanted to be pissy with Dean for at least another couple of days, but the little shit was sticking up for him. It was an effort, but he took the olive branch. “Yeah, guess daddy’s money can only buy so much, huh?” 

Thad looked like he wanted to grab them both by the heads and smash them together, but had the brains to tell them both to fuck off and walked away. Jimmy watched him go and then offered Dean a headnod. “Thanks for that, but I’m used to him. All the ego, none of the talent to back it up.” 

Dean nodded. “Yeah, no shit. Don’t listen to him, though. I’d have never caught that Speedy Gonzalez motherfucker today, that was  _ all  _ you.”

Jimmy’s chest puffed out a little. “Damn right, Winchester.” He stared in the direction that Castle had gone and scowled. “Fuck that guy though, everyone hates him.” 

Dean huffed a laugh. “Because his name is fucking Thad. I’d be a douchebag too if my parents named me  _ Thad.” _

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Winchester, you’re still a douchebag.” He grinned, hoping Dean would know he was  _ mostly  _ kidding.

Dean stood there and then shrugged it off. “True… but it takes one to know one.”

Jimmy laughed, throwing his water bottle at Dean. “Fuck off. Seriously, though, you ready for the homecoming game next week? Better be at the top of your game or I’ll tie your ass to the kitchen chair and shave an L into the back of your head.”

“Okay, no one touches the hair.  _ Ever. _ Don’t shit where you eat, Novak. You don’t wanna open that can of worms. I’ll bring my A game, but you should at least try to bring your B game.”

“Funny, I said the same thing to Cas about you.” The second the words were out, Jimmy kicked himself. He added quickly, “and my  _ C  _ game is still better than your A game, don’t you worry about me.”

“Not what the board says. But why’d you tell Cas that?” Dean’s brows were furrowed slightly.

_ That stupid fucking board.  _ “None of your business why I tell my brother anything, Winchester.” He playfully shoulder-checked him as he was walking past. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a fucking  _ druid  _ costume for this damn Witches Ball.” 

Dean waved him off and Jimmy ducked out of the locker room but ran smack into his quarterback. “Fucking hell, Morningstar. I’m supposed to be the one tackling people, not you.” Jask messed up his hair and Jimmy ducked out of the way, circling behind him with a scowl. 

“C’mon, Novak. Lighten up, it’s not like you’ve got a hot date or anything.” 

He straightened, attempting to fix his hair. “I do, actually. Things with Ophelia are getting pretty serious, I was gonna go home and talk to Cas about getting my practice jersey back for her.”

Jask’s face darkened at the mention of his brother, but Jimmy honestly didn’t care. Jask was the one that fucked that up, it’s his own damn fault. “I wondered whose he was wearing now.”

“Yeah, mine. Now seriously, go pick on someone else. Winchester’s inside, have at him.” Jimmy swatted Jask’s long, free-hanging curls and dashed away before he could get his ass kicked. 

~~~~

Cas was there when he got back, typing something on his computer and still wearing his jersey, which wasn’t going to make this easier. 

“Hey, you got a minute little bro?” 

“Two m--” Cas heaved a sigh and closed his laptop. “First of all, congratulations! You guys played well today. I was just typing up the article. There’s lasagna in the oven, I wasn’t sure if either of you were coming back so I thought I’d stick with something that would be good reheated.” 

Jimmy chewed on his lip. Cas had done the same thing for him last year, and he’d come back home after every game. This year, he’d been so caught up with the team and Ophelia that he hadn’t made it back once. “Doesn’t Winchester usually come kick it with you?” 

Cas nodded, dropping his eyes to the table and removing his glasses. “Yes, but he’s usually back by now and had mentioned this morning that he might not be.”

“Castle was being a dick in the locker room, Dean hung back to defend my honor.” He studied his brother for a moment, glancing toward the door. “What’s going on between you two, anyway? You’ve been getting awfully fuckin’ flirty lately.” 

His brother answered only with a blush, and Jimmy swore under his breath. 

“God damnit, Cas.” 

“Jimmy, it’s not like that. Nothing has happened, I promise. He’s straight, remember? But you know how it is, everyone flirts with me.” Cas paused and then amended, “well, they either flirt with me or avoid me like the plague, there really isn’t an in-between. It doesn’t mean anything.” 

Somehow, Jimmy was pretty sure that wasn’t the case, but that wasn’t what he came here about. “Hey, listen. I know you’ve been wearing my practice jersey to the games and stuff and I hate to do this right before Homecoming, but would you hate me if I gave it to O?” He watched his twin closely, but didn’t see any real signs of disappointment. 

“I had a feeling this was coming at some point. It’s fine, I’ve got plenty of…” Cas trailed off, and Jimmy knew why. Cas didn’t really have  _ anything  _ else with the school’s mascot on it, which is why he’d started wearing Jimmy’s jersey in the first place. 

“I’ll tell ya what, I’ll buy you a t-shirt. Sound good?” It wasn’t an adequate replacement and he knew it, but he was  _ beyond  _ interested in Ophelia and knew Cas would forgive him eventually. Jimmy wasn’t the type to settle down, so this was big. 

“Sounds good, Jimmy.” Cas nodded and smiled, then got up to take the jersey off.

Jimmy took it, then said goodbye to Cas as Cas walked back in his room to put another shirt on. 

_ I’m sorry, bro. I promise I’ll make it up to you.  _

**Castiel**

He’d known this day was coming, but it didn’t make it easier. Jimmy having a girlfriend was a whole new experience for him, especially since he was perpetually single at this point. It was almost as though they’d switched places - this time last year, Cas had been dating the quarterback and Jimmy had been alone… but the difference was, Jimmy was never really alone - even his freshman year was full of loose women. 

Cas pulled off the tank he’d been wearing under the jersey and started looking through his clothes for a shirt to wear, but the timer dinged loudly from the kitchen. He hurried back to take the lasagna out of the oven, but one of the oven mits had a hole in it and he dropped the pan on the stovetop from the pain now shooting through his finger. “Gods _ dammit.” _ He ran the digit under cool water and leaned forward against the sink, dropping his head to his arm.  _ This day, victory or not, is decidedly not going well.  _

The front door opened again and Cas stood, holding his hand in place and expecting to see Jimmy, but it was Dean.. who had apparently forgotten how to walk. 

He wasn’t two feet in the door before he was tripping over the air. “Shit! These dinners are getting better and better.”

“I will never understand how you manage to be so incredibly graceful on the field.” He pointed to the pan with the hand not stuck under the running water. “You’ll have to serve yourself this time, unless you want to wait a few minutes.”

“What happened?” Dean walked over, his eyes on Cas’ hand. “Let me help.”

He grinned. “Gonna kiss it and make it better? It’s fine, seriously. The oven mit needs replaced and I didn’t notice, it’s just a burn. I’ll live.”

“Well fine, suit yourself. But I  _ do  _ have healing kisses. Your loss.” Dean turned away and walked to the fridge.

“Bullshit.” The word was out before he could stop it. He narrowed his eyes and froze, knowing he shouldn’t push, but... _“Prove_ _it.”_

Dean pursed his lips together adorably and tilted his head. “Hmmm, nah. You denied my help, remember?” He pulled out a water and took his time chugging it.

Watching Dean’s throat was too much. Knowing that he’d fucked himself over here by trying to be nice was too much. It was all... 

He shut the water off and sucked on his finger when the burning sensation returned anyway. “I didn’t deny it, I said it was fine.”

Dean pulled the bottle from his mouth and licked his lips. “Fine. But it has to be our little secret.” He walked forward slowly. “Because the other healers would take my powers if I exposed our secrets.” Dean stopped inches from Cas’ face.

Cas nodded, afraid to open his mouth at all. He was absolutely positive that if he did, he’d beg Dean to kiss him, and Cas  _ never  _ begs. He lifted his finger toward Dean’s mouth and stayed silent, raising a single eyebrow and cocking his head to the side. Dean grabbed his hand gently, grinned and then kissed it. Cas felt the sensation down to his fucking toes despite Dean’s lips only lingering a moment, and then Dean was turning away to go grab them plates.

"You're right, it's all better now. But, as it happens, I have a wound somewhere else that could use your magic mouth."  _ This isn't my fault. It's his. _

Dean stiffened and blushed beautifully, the redness tinting his tanned skin. “I uhh, I don’t... wait, why is it wounded?”

Cas smirked, pleased that it was so easy to lead Dean in the right direction. “Why is  _ what  _ wounded, Dean? I don’t remember specifying a body part.”

He turned toward the fridge as if it were somewhere he could hide. “Oh your... um... elbow.” 

The change in Dean’s body language was noticeable, but Cas wasn’t sure if it was because he was uncomfortable or because Cas had backed off. He decided to play both sides, just to be safe. “I’m sorry, I’ll stop. I was absolutely talking about my cock, and that’s probably not fair to you, I’m sure you have no interest in that.” Cas bit his bottom lip as he smiled, and then went to go sit down and eat after grabbing his food. “Are you taking anyone to homecoming?” 

“Nah, you?” Dean came and sat down next to him with his own plate, so Cas made room. 

“No, I... haven’t exactly had many offers. Maybe it’s because I haven’t left the house except for class, work and your games.” He took a bite and then picked at it with his fork. “I don’t think I’d take anyone either way, offers or not. What about you? I assumed you’d have a date.”

“I’ve had offers, but I told them no.” He took a bite and then spoke with his mouth full. “We’ll go together.”

There's no way he just said that. It had to be a hallucination, or maybe it was a fever dream. Was he dreaming? "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly with all that food in your mouth."

Dean rolled his eyes and swallowed. “Better? I said we’ll go together. I’m sure Jimmy wants to pick up his girlfriend anyway.” He shrugged one shoulder and took another bite, completely oblivious to what he just did to Cas’ insides. 

He took a second to rework that in his mind. “Oh, you’re offering to drive me. That’s kind of you, and I’d appreciate it. The venue is a little too far away for me to walk, and you’re right about Jimmy. I hadn’t thought about that.”

“Kind is my middle name.” His mouth was full again, but after he swallowed, he continued, “It isn’t really my middle name. I don’t have one.”

“That’s funny, neither do Jimmy and I. I was a surprise, they’d intended on naming my brother ‘James Castiel,’ so when I came out... I became Cas and neither one of us were given middle names.” He continued eating, aware suddenly that he still wasn’t wearing a shirt. He thought about putting one on, but after all the times Dean had tormented him, this was only fair.

Dean ate some more, not saying much and seemingly avoiding looking at him. Every time he stole a glance, his eyes shifted to Cas’ chest, it was like he had no control over where his eyes went. Cas was a little smug about that, and more than once he’d stretch out or scratch his stomach to draw attention to himself. 

Once they finished eating, they set their plates in the sink and went back to the couch. Dean looked even more embarrassed than normal, and asked, “Don’t laugh at me... but what is this homecoming theme? I don’t understand it.”

“I’m not going to laugh at you, Dean. Very few outsiders understand just how seriously Helltown takes all things spooky. He shifted toward Dean, sliding his leg up onto the couch until they were making contact. He couldn’t explain it, but that stupid finger kiss had him wanting to touch Dean at all times - even if it wasn’t sexual. “The theme is a Witches Ball, which… is basically a dance organized to celebrate Samhain.” 

Much like in the cave, Dean still looked lost. He continued, “Samhain is the pagan holiday that Halloween is  _ sort of  _ based off of. There are similarities, but they’re not the same. It’s, in essence, a celebration of the harvest and of the dead. It’s celebrated at the midway point between the fall equinox and the winter solstice, and the Celtics believed that the veil between the living and the dead was at its thinnest on this night. They’d have a bonfire ceremony where townspeople could take a flame from a communal fire back to their own homes to relight their hearths, but it also included cattle sacrifices and druid priests and some sort of wheel. Are you with me so far?” 

“Yeah, ancient people did the crazy things. Makes total sense so far.” Dean was squinting and actually looking at his face, which Cas took as a good sign. 

“True to most wonderfully creepy things, there were monsters involved. Pukah was a shapeshifter with an appetite for crops, Lady Gwyn was a headless woman with a black pig that enjoyed chasing those who wandered at night, and then… there were the Dullahan and the Faery Host. The Dullahan rode horses with flames for eyes and the Faery Host kidnapped people, and so people would dress up as animals or monsters to avoid being taken. Hence, the current slutty nurses we see today.” 

“So…” Dean shifted his weight on the couch and furrowed his brows. “You’re tellin’ me I should go to this dance dressed like a slutty nurse?” 

Cas laughed,  _ loudly.  _ “Yes, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying, and I refuse to get in your car if you’re wearing anything else. I will also expect you to give me a full check-up before we leave.” 

“Full check up? Like...” He licked his lips and motioned to Cas’ body. “Full... no-back-of-the-gown kinda check up? Cause I heard a rumor you were a hard top.” He looked both shy  _ and _ cocky, it was adorably frustrating.

“That rumor was started by me, and therefore I’m allowed to change it if I want to.” At this point, Cas would bend over and take it like a man, as long as it meant Dean’s hands would finally be on his body. He sighed at that horrifying realization. “But you’re right, maybe slutty nurse isn’t the best idea. You’re actually supposed to dress as a Druid, and you’re just going to have to Google that one. I don’t have a clue how to explain it.”

“Alright, I’ll Google it... what if I didn’t dress up? Would I look like an idiot?”

That thought was almost laughable, but Cas no longer felt much like laughing. “Dean, you could show up in a potato sack and you’d still be the best looking thing in the room.” He smiled a little and stood up, running a hand through his hair and pulling off his glasses. “Dressing up isn’t mandatory, and I doubt a lot of people will do it anyway, so honestly I wouldn’t worry about it. Come as you are.”

“Are you?” Dean stood up too, and then took a step back to give space - as if that’s what Cas wanted. “Are you dressing up?”

Cas stared at Dean's mouth, but that was basically eye level for him. "Yes, but I'm also the weird kid, remember? Charlie and I LARP frequently, this isn't exactly new territory for me."

Dean smiled and his eyes flickered to Cas’ lips and although the movement was so small it was nearly unnoticeable, Dean’s hands twitched. “I’ll dress up, if you help me pick a costume.”

_ I would very much prefer helping you dress  _ **_down,_ ** _ but... _ He nodded slowly, giving Dean something to look at by dragging his tongue across his bottom lip. “I think I can handle that.” 

Dean leaned in and Cas’ heart leapt into his throat.  _ This was it, it was finally _ \- “Hey, thanks.” Dean smirked and pulled back, turning around and walking toward his room. “See you in the morning, Castiel.”

Breathing became a thing of the past. All at once, disappointment, anger, and barely controlled lust coursed through him. Dean knew exactly what he was doing. He knew exactly how he affected Castiel, and he was toying with him. The porn, the comments, the clumsiness… being the only other one besides Jaskier to say his name. 

Well, then. Two could play at that game. He gave Dean a few minutes to get settled and then went into his own room, shutting the door loudly enough that Dean would know he went to bed. He flipped through his favorite porn site until he found one that again featured a brown-haired sub and a dark-haired dom. Within the first thirty seconds, Cas was fully hard in his shorts. He shrugged them off quickly and climbed under the blanket, sort of trying to stop himself from doing what he was about to do. But the months of tension were wearing on him, and he wasn’t thinking clearly. 

He came, intentionally loudly. It felt so damn good that for a moment, he couldn’t do anything but lay there covered in his own spend, wondering how much better it would have been if Dean wasn’t so infuriating.

Cas picked up his phone again and texted Dean the link to the video with the message:  _ Hope it’s as good for you as it was for me. Sorry there are no restraints in this one, but if you’d like to tie yourself to the bed… I’ve got some you can borrow.  _

He locked his phone and stood up to find a towel, cleaned himself off, and went to sleep. 

**Dean**

Even before the damn porn link came, Dean was pacing his room. He had almost kissed Cas. Not like,  _ oh shit, did Cas want to kiss me?  _ No, Dean had almost made the damn move. What the fuck was going on? What he felt for Cas wasn’t some crush, it was something so much deeper, he just didn’t understand it.

When his phone chimed, he picked it up absentmindedly, not expecting it to be Cas, and definitely not expecting it to be porn! His phone slipped from his hands and clattered on the floor. “Fuck!” He picked up and looked at it, rolling his eyes at the thin long crack down the side of the screen. “Awesome.” He tossed it on the bed and stared at it like it was a ticking bomb. 

_ Cas just sent him porn.  _ He couldn’t be overly shocked, he kind of opened that door to begin with, but that was days ago and after the moment they just had in the living room, Dean couldn’t be ignorant anymore about the fact that Cas wanted him too. Yeah, Cas had been flirty but the lust he saw in Cas’ eyes was  _ much _ more than shameless flirting. And Dean absolutely felt it too, in fact, it made his skin itch with the desire to pull Cas in and finally feel those lips.

But of course, he didn’t. 

He fucking ran. Because  _ that _ is what Dean Winchester is good at, running from good things straight into bad ones.

He didn’t watch the porno, because he didn’t believe he deserved to get off, especially to something from Cas. 

Once again, they didn’t talk about it. The next morning was a rushed hello/goodbye, and Cas’ knowing smile just made Dean blush and rush out the door. 

Dean literally had nowhere to go and found himself driving towards those caves but when he arrived, he didn’t even get out of the car, it felt weird being there without Cas - even though they had only visited once - and sitting there in Baby was peaceful enough. He played his favorite mix and let his mind wander. 

_ What exactly am I so afraid of?  _ It wasn’t Cas, he knew that much. Cas made him feel safe and secure, feelings that were foreign to Dean his entire life. Accepting that someone wanted him for more than football and sex had always been a hard pill to swallow. 

Dean’s dated a few girls, but he only had one  _ serious  _ relationship and even that was never love. He wanted it to be, he thought he could convince himself it was, but he couldn’t. When Lisa said she was pregnant, his entire world shattered. Dean felt like all his dreams were void and all he could do now was quit football, get a job and be there for his kid. He felt obligated to stay with this woman he didn’t love forever. 

Dean went as far as going to his coach senior year to drop the team, and he was beyond grateful the man talked him out of it. Turned out Lisa was cheating the whole time with some older dirtbag and only dated Dean because he was a  _ football star.  _ She felt that was what the head cheerleader was  _ supposed _ to be with. Dean was just an accessory and that baby  _ wasn't _ his. 

He really dodged a bullet there so when he got offered scholarships from two different schools, he specifically picked the one college he knew almost nothing about. Dean was sick of walking the line for everyone around him. He came here to live his own life, so why wasn’t he? What was really holding him back?

As he drove back into town, he stopped at a small diner he had never noticed before. It was your typical mom and pop diner, and all he ordered was the cherry pie. He needed real food, but he wasn’t in the mood. Cherry pie always helped him think. 

When the waitress brought over his slice and a water, Dean looked up at her and offered a tight smile. “Thank you.” She was older, probably around fifty, and since it was a slow day she took it upon herself to slide into the other side of the booth.

“What’s eatin’ ya kid?” She offered a warm smile and Dean took the opportunity to look at her nametag.  _ Odd name, but who am I to judge.  _

“Well,  _ Missouri.  _ I’m having a long day… or year… maybe life is more accurate.” Dean took a quick drink and then played with his fork.

“You play football?”

“That obvious?” He asked, not sure if he should be offended. 

Missouri chuckled. “Yup. You all got a look. Buff, handsome and completely lost.”

Dean tilted his head and looked directly into her obsidian eyes. “Lost?”

“Yeah, lost. Like you don’t know where you go from here but you’re gonna keep on truckin’ anyway. My boy played and although he isn’t here no more, I can still spot that  _ lost _ look a mile away. If only I had seen it sooner in him.” She didn’t go further, but she also didn’t have to.

“I’m sorry about your son.” Dean offered, not sure what else to say.

Missouri waved a hand. “Thank you, but let’s focus on you. What’s your biggest issue? Start there, and the smaller ones tend to fall in place.”

Dean huffed a laugh but for some reason, he didn’t hesitate or falter on his words one bit. “The biggest issue is, I’m gay.” 

Missouri eyed him warily. “I seem to not understand the issue here.” 

“Right. Well, what about if I told you  _ that _ was the first time I ever said it to another human being on this entire planet?”

Realization dawned on her. “I get it now. So, why me?”

Dean shrugged. “Dunno.” He grinned and looked at his pie. “Felt kinda good actually.”

“Of course it did sugar, you’ve been holding that in your whole life, you’ve finally taken some of that weight off your chest. Now, I imagine there is someone in your life you trust enough to share that with? Not just some old stranger sitting on the job?” 

“Nah… there isn’t.” He sighed and forced himself to look up again. 

“If there isn’t, you need to find new friends, son. But something tells me you have  _ someone.”  _

_ Cas… _

Dean looked down at his pie and nodded, he didn’t want to start on that subject because he would probably never stop talking. 

“Eat that pie, sugar. It’s on me. But next time I see you, I expect that boy to be on your arm.” She winked and stood up.

“Boy? What boy?” Dean asked,  _ was she a fucking psychic? _

“Honey.” She touched his shoulder. “You know, what boy.” And then she went about her day, leaving Dean with his jaw on the table. 

It took a minute but once he started eating the pie, he devoured it in seconds and when he waved goodbye to Missouri, she held up a hand and rushed over, a styrofoam container in her hands. “Here, for your boy.” 

Dean took it, because she really didn’t give him an option as she thrusted it into his hands and walked off. “Thanks, Missouri. See you soon.” He called out.

“Mmhmm, that better be true.” She called back, not turning around again.

~~~~

Now that the actual fall semester had begun, Dean and Cas saw each other much less than before and Dean was torn about that. He missed him, more than he thought he would and he still saw him at least once a day. It was just always rushed or they talked about school, never about the almost-kiss  _ or _ the porn.

Dean had five classes this fall semester. Intro to Business, Quantitative Reasoning 1, Sociology, Economics and Intro to Psychology. Psychology would probably be his favorite class, if it wasn’t for that asshat Ketch and his fucking heart eyes at Cas.

He also couldn’t blame the guy, the more Dean relaxed within himself about who he truly was, the more beautiful Castiel became. He was always hot, that was never a question. But Cas was also the most beautiful person on this earth and Dean was weak in the knees when Cas wore his glasses. 

If only he could take a class that would let him just stare at Cas all day. 

At practice on Thursday, Dean saw Jimmy and his girlfriend near the lockers and remembered that she would be wearing Jimmy’s jersey for the game. Which meant Cas didn’t have one. Dean didn’t know if he had any other Hunters merch but either way, he really wanted to see Cas in  _ his _ jersey. 

When he woke up on Friday to give Cas the jersey, he wasn’t home. Their class wasn’t until 3pm, so he couldn’t help but wonder where he was but as usual, Dean didn’t have the balls to text and ask.

Instead, he sprayed some of his cologne on the jersey and entered Cas’ room for the first time. He’d stood in the doorway enough, but never actually stepped foot inside. It felt like he was breaking and entering so he walked as quietly as he could over to the bed, set it down neatly so his number was showing and turned to leave.

But… did Cas  _ really  _ have restraints tied to his bed? Dean  _ had  _ to know. 

He walked back over, shifted the blanket slightly and there they fucking were. Dean ran a finger down the strap and then abruptly stood up, bolted to his room, shoved his pajama pants down and fisted his already throbbing cock. He had never been more thankful for being home alone.

Dean grabbed his phone and pulled up the text thread with Cas, his fingers shaking as he clicked on the link and pressed play.  _ Fuck… it looks like us…  _ He was instantly jerking himself like he was in a rush to the finish line. Technically he was, he had no clue when someone would be home and this could  _ not  _ wait. 

For the first time ever, Dean moaned a man’s name out loud  _ “Castiel…” _ Which immediately shoved him over the edge. He came so hard, he couldn’t hold it all in his fists and it leaked onto the floor, but Dean was too far gone to give a shit. 

Since the day he said those two words to himself, every orgasm got better and better. The mere thought of having sex with Cas was already better than every single woman he had ever been with. He was finally starting to learn how  _ big _ self acceptance was. 

Was he ready to share this detail with the world? No. But he was slowly getting there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Limerence  
> [the state of being infatuated with another person]


	10. Kilig

_ “You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.”  _

_-_ Winston Churchill 

**Castiel**

“Well  _ that _ was a decidedly pointless endeavor.” 

Charlie frowned and squeezed his arm. “Honestly, that’s kind of what you get for waiting till the last minute, Cas.” 

He’d tried and failed to find some sort of Hunters apparel for the parade that night, everything was so picked over that his choices were a 3XL hoodie and a pair of underwear. He briefly considered combining them, but something told him that probably wasn’t a good idea. He sighed heavily and walked toward the door. “I don’t know why this has never crossed my mind before. But, it is what it is. I have a red t-shirt I can wear with my black jeans… that’s close enough, right?” 

“It’ll be fine, I doubt anyone will notice the difference. If you want, I can Sharpie a bow and arrow on there for you?” 

While he appreciated Charlie’s helpful, perky nature, he didn’t want to ruin his shirt. Cas politely declined, and they grabbed some lunch together quickly before it was time for Cas to head to Psychology. 

Since he didn’t stop at home first, he ended up being a few minutes early. Professor Ketch was sitting behind his desk and looked up when he heard the soft steps signaling a student had entered, and smiled a little too widely. 

“Mister Novak, you’re quite early today.” 

Cas glanced toward the door, suddenly wishing he’d have chosen differently. “Yes, I was out to lunch with a friend and it seemed… silly to go home.” He took his seat and pulled out his psych book. 

“It might just be you and I today, I have a feeling several students will be choosing not to come thanks to the parade.” His professor gave him a  _ look,  _ and Cas couldn’t honestly decide if it was arousing or uncomfortable. Maybe both. 

He shifted, clearing his throat. “That seems ridiculous, there’s a full hour between the end of this class and the start of the parade. I’m sure they’ll come.” 

Ketch simply shrugged and turned his eyes back down to the papers he was grading. After a couple minutes of silence, Cas heard the door open and spun in his seat to see who it was, and he smiled when he saw it was Dean. 

The last few days had been incredibly awkward between them, and Cas was doing everything he could to simultaneously give Dean the space he so obviously wanted, and yet show him there didn’t need to be any strain between them. 

He gestured to the seat next to him. “I was worried you weren’t going to come.” 

Dean smiled, but it faded quickly as he approached and slid into the chair and a few other students trickled in. “And miss my favorite teacher? No way.” He shifted slightly, averting his gaze. “H-have you been by the house?”

“I thought you-” Cas closed his mouth, flicking his eyes toward Ketch, who didn’t seem to be paying attention anymore. He got the vibe they didn’t get along, but it wasn’t his business. “No, I haven’t. I spent all morning trying to find a damn Helltown T-shirt, and all I found were underwear. After Charlie and I had lunch, I came straight here, I didn’t see a point in walking all the way home just to turn around and come back. Why? Have you managed to break our last good dinner plate?” He smiled, leaning in a little closer.

Dean chuckled and shrugged. “Nah, no reason. Plates are fine… for now.”

“I’m in the wrong field, I should be trying to invent Dean-proof dinnerware.” Cas wrinkled his nose playfully, but it made his glasses slip a little so he sighed and went cross-eyed as he pushed them back up. “That was supposed to be endearing, not awkward.”

“It was.” Dean smiled. “Maybe go home and check on those plates anyway. Just… yeah. You should go home before the parade.”

Cas was just about to ask why when Ketch interrupted. “Today we will be talking about the subtle yet definite differences between sensation and perception. For example, I  _ sense  _ that Messrs. Winchester and Novak are not paying attention, because I can see it with my eyes and hear it with my ears, and I  _ perceive  _ it’s because the former believes his mediocre talents on the football field somehow exempt him from actually needing to  _ learn  _ something.” 

“Mediocre??” Dean laughed out loud.

"Well,  _ I  _ perceive that you wouldn't know talent if it knocked over your bowler hat, sir." Cas leaned forward, smiling as politely as he could at his professor. "Did I use that in the correct context?"

Ketch seemed to struggle with his words for a moment, and ultimately nodded as he sat back down. "Yes, that would be a perception and not a sensation. Very good, Mister Novak, now if you don't mind... I'd like to continue with the lesson."

The corner of Cas’ mouth twitched up and just on principle, he barely paid attention as Ketch continued on. 

~~~~

He didn’t get a chance to talk to Dean as he left class. Jaskier and a few of the other players came in and practically dragged Dean out the door, and once the chaos subsided, Cas walked out to find Charlie waiting for him. 

“Come on! We need to get a good spot.” She grabbed his wrist and started leading him toward the door of the Moseley building, and Cas attempted unsuccessfully to slow her down. 

“Charlie -  _ wait!  _ I need to go home first.” 

She rounded on him, her expression every bit as fiery as her hair. “For what? You’re dressed, you’re clean, what more could you need?” 

Cas frowned. “I… I don’t know why I need to go home, I just do. Dean mentioned it more than once, and -” 

Charlie cut him off again. “If he didn’t tell you what for, what’s the point in going? Stop home before the bonfire, maybe you can catch Dean after the parade and ask him what the hell he’s talking about.” 

She wasn’t wrong, about any of it. They needed to go soon if they wanted to have a decent view of the parade, and who knew how long it would take to figure out what Dean meant once he got back home. If he didn’t specify, chances were good it wasn’t overly important. “Fine, fine. Lead the way.” 

A few minutes later, they were out of breath from jogging but they’d managed to snag a spot near the road. Provided no one shoved them aside, they’d have a front-row view of the floats. Cas didn’t particularly care for parades, they were usually just thinly veiled excuses to pelt people with candy and show off artistic skills he didn’t possess. There were several floats he could have been a part of, but honestly… he wouldn’t be there at all if it wasn’t an excuse to unashamedly stare at Dean in his football uniform. 

Most of the floats were cliche. Jask was Homecoming King,  _ big surprise,  _ and one of the cheerleaders he recognized from the Horndog competition was Queen. Jealously flared in his chest at the reminder, and he pointedly looked away from the Kingdom of Hell float, even if Jask being dressed as the devil was kind of fitting. 

The classes all had their own themes, but his favorite float came just after the marching band. It was organized by the Helltown Spirit Squad and featured the Witch-king of Angmar from Lord of the Rings holding a football while surrounded by the Nazgul. There was a sign behind him that said “The Hunters do not suffer the Satyrs to pass!” with a letter D and a white picket fence off to the side. 

Charlie laughed next to him. “That’s actually clever. Get it?  _ Pass?” _

He smiled at her but kept his eyes peeled behind the ringwraiths, waiting not-so-patiently for the football team’s float. Thanks to his one-track mind, he wasn’t prepared in the slightest when the sophomores began throwing water balloons filled with color dust out into the crowd. One smacked him in the side of the neck and exploded all over his face and chest, knocking the glasses right off his face. 

For a brief moment, he felt like Velma. His eyesight wasn’t  _ that  _ poor - under normal circumstances he’d have been able to locate them quickly but with the color dust polluting the air and stinging his eyes, it took him several seconds to find them. Cas sent up a silent thank you to the gods that they weren’t broken, and just as he cleaned them and put them back on his face, Charlie pulled him up. “Cas! He’s here!” 

His head whipped around so quickly he nearly lost his glasses  _ again.  _ Cas grinned widely and began cheering as the football team’s float approached them with a large banner reading  _ “It’s Satyr Hunting Season!”.  _ Dean and Jimmy were both shirtless but fully uniformed below the waist and standing at the front, with poor Garth tied up wearing a satyr costume between them. With Jask on a different float, it seemed like his roommates were taking over in the  _ meathead  _ category - there was music blaring loudly from the truck pulling them and they were both dancing like assholes around Garth. Dean bent over to show his ass to the crowd and moved right next to the kickers face, laughing so hard after a moment that Cas couldn’t tell if he was still doubled over on purpose or if he simply couldn’t stand back up. 

Charlie pushed Cas through the crowd so they could follow the float as Jimmy painted a red target on Garth’s chest and Dean stood behind him, using his horns like a steering wheel. Garth was visibly trying not to laugh, which settled the only bit of unease in Cas’ chest. 

They chased after the truck as long as they could before they started getting on people’s nerves, but by the time they stopped, Cas’ face hurt from smiling so much. Dean Winchester was an  _ idiot,  _ but he was also precious and kind and funny and  _ unbelievably  _ sexy. 

“You  _ are  _ in love!” She said, looking at him with a wide smile and kind enough eyes that Cas didn’t feel the need to lie. 

“Yes, I think I am.” He smiled again as he finally caught Dean’s eye when he turned around, and they held each other’s gazes until Jimmy smacked Dean and brought his attention back to Garth. The float passed out of their line of vision, and Charlie squeezed his hand. 

“Come on, let’s cut through the old slaughterhouse lot and see if we can catch them back on campus.” 

He took one last look at the fading float and nodded as he bit his lip, and then the cheers of the crowd slowly faded as they jogged away. 

It was only about twenty minutes before the first floats made it back to campus, and Cas bounced on his heels and tried to wipe some of the color dust from his skin. It didn’t work, and he eventually gave up in favor of waiting for Dean. To his  _ immense  _ pleasure, the second the football team got down, every single one of them was pelted with the color bombs. He watched as Dean tried to shield himself, and then lost sight of him entirely in the rainbow cloud. 

“Go, Cas. Go get him!” Charlie pushed him and he thought about correcting her. He wasn’t really going to  _ get  _ him, just  _ see  _ him… but what difference did it make? He fought his way through the dust until it cleared enough that he could find Dean. 

Cas’ breath caught in his throat and his attempt to call out to Dean failed miserably. The colors complemented his tanned skin so perfectly it was almost physically painful to look at, which was only enhanced a hundredfold when Dean spotted him and smiled so widely the sun itself was put to shame. 

Dean jogged over and wiped some purple off of Cas’ chin a second before Cas snapped a picture of him. Dean blinked against the flash, but grinned like he’d been expecting it. “Guess it’s good you didn’t go home.” He blushed and looked as though he didn’t mean to say that, which just made Cas even more curious.

The urge to touch the spot where Dean did was stupidly strong, but he kept his hands at his sides. “I’m going to have to, now... are you going to tell me what I’m supposed to be looking for?”

Dean shook his head. “Nope. Hey Charlie.” He called out to her and they waved awkwardly at each other. “You’re going to the bonfire, right?”

“Honestly, I wasn’t originally planning on it. I wasn’t planning on coming here either, though.” Cas licked his lip slowly and tried -  _ tried  _ \- to drag his eyes up from Dean’s painted chest. “But yes, I’ll be there.”

“Awesome.” Dean’s shoulders relaxed as he smiled widely. “Did you end up buying that Hunter underwear?”

“Oh, those.” Cas tilted his head and smirked playfully. “That depends on who’s asking.”

“What if I was asking?” Dean licked his lips and waited for a response but Jimmy decided to completely ruin the moment and jogged over, ruffling Dean’s hair. 

“Look at this guy in a rainbow. Fits, huh?” He teased.

Cas died a little inside, every  _ single  _ time they got close, someone interrupted. “Is there a word more specific than fratricide? I’m asking so I can properly prepare your eulogy.”

Jimmy eyed him and put his hands up. “Hey now, I’m just pointing out the obvious. You two look like a couple of unicorns pissed you out over a field of leprechauns.”

_ Gross. _ “That’s just offensive.”

“Have you seen a mirror, Jimbo? You’re just as unicorn pissy as us.” Dean ran his hands through his hair fast and shook the powder at Jimmy.

Jimmy smacked him and tried to duck out of the way. "Ahh fuck off, Winchester! Sorry I interrupted you two, Jesus. C'mon though, we gotta get down to the Dells. Morningstar's orders."

Dean shrugged. “See ya there, Cas.” He back peddled a second before he turned around, shoving Jimmy away playfully - but all that did was trigger an actual wrestling match.

Cas watched with a mixture of amusement and arousal, which got weird  _ really  _ quickly thanks to the other participant. Jimmy had Dean pinned in about thirty seconds, but only because he’d also wrestled in high school and the twins had always chosen to settle serious disputes like that. The scene was bizarre to watch, Jimmy looked so much like Cas that it was almost as if he was watching  _ himself  _ pin Dean to the grass. But it wasn’t, it was Jimmy, and this was  _ weird.  _ He furrowed his brows and forced himself to turn, going back over to meet Charlie. 

“He said it again, I need to go home. I have a feeling he bought a puppy or something and wants me to see it before Jimmy does. Besides, I need to get cleaned up before this bonfire.” 

Charlie sighed. “That’s fine. I’m not going anyway, I promised I’d help clean up the mess from the floats. You know parties like that aren’t really my style.” 

Cas nodded his understanding, kissed her temple and then started walking back toward his house. The closer he got, the better the butterflies in his stomach became at acrobatics. No matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn’t fathom what Dean wanted him to see. 

A cursory glance at the outside of the house told him he’d have a  _ lot  _ of cleaning to do the following day, because someone had covered their house, yard and trees in toilet paper and red-and-black streamers. He approached the door, mumbling to himself, “Oh, he wanted me to have an anxiety attack before I got drunk near an open flame. Wonderful.” 

He was on high alert when he stepped inside, but nothing seemed immediately out of place. The stove wasn’t on, he heard absolutely no barking, and a quick peek in the cupboards told him they still had roughly half a dozen usable plates. 

_ Dean had to have been fucking with me. But why?  _ Cas hadn’t really needed more reminders that he was an infuriating human being, and he made a mental note to kick his ass at the bonfire as he stripped down and took a quick shower. 

Cas wrapped a towel around his waist and made his way into his bedroom. As he fumbled around for the light switch, the first thing that hit him was Dean’s cologne. His heart nearly leapt right out of his mouth as he turned on the light,  _ insanely  _ thinking that Dean himself was laying on his bed. 

His pulse thundered in his ears as the room came into focus and he saw his bed was…  _ mostly  _ empty. Dean wasn’t there, but a black jersey emblazoned with a red #24  _ was.  _ He picked it up gingerly, like it was the most prized possession he’d ever hold in his hands… and maybe it was.  _ Fuck, he’s been trying to tell me all day. It  _ **_was_ ** _ important, I’m just an ass.  _ He brought the fabric to his lips and inhaled deeply, warmth spreading down to his toes at the smell of Dean. He smiled so widely his cheeks immediately protested, and he couldn’t help himself - he shrugged the jersey on and raced back into the bathroom to look in the mirror. The glass was still steamed up from his shower, so he ran his palm over it to clear a big enough space that he could see himself. 

The reflection didn’t lie. His cheeks were flushed and his wet hair clung to his forehead. The jersey was a little bit big on him, but he loved the way it swallowed him up and got him as close to Dean as he’d likely ever be. Something deep inside of him ached at the thought, but nothing could spoil this. 

Except… a group of drunken, idiotic college kids in the middle of the woods. He swore under his breath and carefully undressed again, then hung the jersey up in his closet. If it made his other clothes smell like Dean too, then… all the better. 

He called Kevin quickly, asking him to give him a ride over to the Dells so he didn’t have to walk. He’d already wasted enough time as it was, and the party would likely be in full swing by the time he got there. Kevin protested but ultimately agreed for a one-way ride, so Cas threw on a dark grey cowl neck sweater and a pair of jeans and met him outside. 

They talked about classes and the parade on the ride over, and Kevin practically threw Cas out of his car so he could go back to the dorms and study. Cas didn’t mind this time, because he was eager to find Dean and thank him, and maybe a little more. 

_ No. Stoppit, that’s not what it means. He probably just knows Jimmy gave his to Ophelia, and you flat out told him earlier you didn’t have anything else. He’s just being a good friend. _

Cas’ steps got a little slower after that realization, but he still found the source of the noises from the party rather quickly. He was late, as he’d anticipated, and the fire was already at least ten feet high. Nearly everyone he saw had a beer or a solo cup in their hands, and he could hardly hear over the music blasting from someone’s car. 

He was looking for Dean when someone grabbed his arm from behind him. 

“Castiel! You’re just in time!” 

“Oh. Hello, Jaskier. What, exactly, am I in time for?” 

Jask shoved a beer in his hand and pointed toward the fire. “You’ll see. C’mon!” He pulled a reluctant Cas along until they were right in front of the flames, and Jask climbed up on top of a thick, fallen tree, whistling loudly. 

A hush fell over the Dells and everyone turned to look at Jask as he started to speak. “Fellow Hellions, we are gathered here this evening to celebrate Samhain  _ really  _ fucking early, but whatever. Tomorrow, we will feast upon Satyrs and celebrate our victory with the Witches Ball!” 

A series of  _ whoops  _ and cheers followed, and when the crowd settled down at Jask’s urging, he continued. “But, let us not forget where we are and why we’re here. We live in a walking ghost story, and who better to tell us all about it than our town’s most famous historian, Castiel!” 

There was decidedly  _ less  _ excitement this time, particularly from Cas. His eyes widened and he took a step back, holding his arm out in front of him like he had a chance in the world at stopping what was about to happen. Someone he couldn’t see yelled something to the effect of “the weird kid you used to bone?” and Jask threw a beer can at him that sounded like it was full. Cas couldn’t move, this was the fucking breakup all over again. Jask getting everyone’s attention, calling Cas to him, publicly humiliating him… 

But hands were gently shoving him forward until he was standing right in front of Jask. He swallowed, knowing he absolutely looked as nervous as he felt and whispered, “Please don’t.” 

His plea went unanswered as Jask pulled Cas up onto the trunk as he was stepping off and handed him a flashlight. “You got this, Castiel. Tell us a good one.” 

_ I hate him. With everything in me, I fucking hate him.  _ Anger and shame coursed through him, but just as he was about to run away… he caught sight of Dean. He was smiling at him and suddenly, the whole world narrowed down to him.  _ He’s here, he’s smiling. You have his jersey for tomorrow. Even if you’ll never have him the way you want, he’s still your friend. Maybe your best friend. He’s your lighthouse in this sea of utter fucking bullshit. You are not alone.  _

_ Just tell the fucking story to Dean, like you have with so many others. Forget anyone else is even here. _

_ You can do this.  _

**Dean**

Dean walked up and sat just as Jask pulled Castiel up on the tree trunk “stage” and couldn’t help but smile. He wasn’t wearing the jersey, but he was here. Maybe he just wasn’t ready to wear another jock’s jersey that wasn’t his brother? Dean should have asked first. He pushed those thoughts away because Cas was obviously nervous and did _not_ want to be up there. But the adorable nerd couldn’t help it, he loved this spooky shit so much it was endearing. 

Dean took a seat where Cas could see and offered him a warm smile, hoping to help ground him so he could get through this damn Goosebumps reenactment.

Dean noticed Chad and his cronies hanging around and could already tell they were drunk and looking to start some shit. They always brought drama when they showed up and Dean was just sick of them at this point. 

“Um… okay. M-many… many years ago, before Helltown got its name… it was just a normal place. Normal people, normal problems… but that all changed when the devil came to town. It started when a group of high school students not much younger than you or I went on a class trip to the Great Wolf Ski Lodge just north of here.”

Cas took a breath and continued to watch Dean. It made him feel useful, like his presence helped comfort Cas. Jimmy was right there, but Cas chose Dean as a focus point instead. 

Chad’s assholes were being loud a few feet away and Dean shushed them and turned back to Cas, nodding encouragement. 

“When the devil-worshippers hiding in plain sight caught wind of such an easy target, they prayed to the Beast to guide them as they put a heinous plan into motion. An old woman with kindness in her eyes but evil in her heart flagged down the bus, begging the bus driver to come help revive a young boy that had been seriously hurt. The driver, unable to leave the poor boy to his fate, drove the bus down a long driveway and through the woods to her home, falling right into their trap.”

A few whispers broke out, but despite Chad once again being a dick, Cas seemed to gain some confidence when Dean smiled encouragingly at him. At any rate, he was getting  _ way  _ more into the story, but wasn’t looking away from Dean. “They were surrounded on all sides, and one by one… the driver and his charges were sacrificed to the Beast. The bus is still there to this very day, standing as a monument to the lives lost on that day. It is said that if you venture near it late at night, you can still hear the screams of the students... and their driver, whose kindness saw them all sent straight to Hell. It was on that day that Boston became known as Helltown, and those who have been foolish enough to board that bus in the years that followed have been brought to the same fate by a demon whose eyes are as red as the cherry on his cigarette.”

Dean held onto every word. Not only to comfort Cas, but it was actually a pretty interesting story. Jask walked over - probably to bring the attention back on himself - but Castiel and Dean were still staring at each other. 

“I knew about Novak, but I didn’t know Winchester was a fag, too.” Chad said, and it was just the last fucking straw for Dean.

“The fuck did you just call me?” He stood up and walked over, rolling up the sleeves to his red flannel and preparing for a fight.

“Dean…” He heard someone - probably Cas - say, but Dean was already seeing red.

Chad laughed. “You heard me, I called you a  _ faggot. _ Why don’t you quit eye-fucking him and just bend over already?” 

Dean huffed a laugh and threw a right hook without hesitation, connecting with his jaw. It felt so  _ good _ to finally release some of the tension he had inside. Chad tried to tackle him, but Dean easily planted his feet and shoved back. Chad threw a few punches, only landing a couple but they hardly fazed Dean - he had fought much bigger and much more skilled people in his life. Chad was an amateur. 

Dean swung, connecting with Chad’s nose just as he was hit directly in the mouth. Chad took a step back and cussed, giving Dean a chance to spit out some blood.

He was vaguely aware of the crowd around him watching and was relieved they didn’t immediately break it up, this was what Dean was used to. You fight it out and move the fuck on, hopefully this would make sure Chad got the memo. 

Chad attacked again, this time he was able to knock Dean backwards but was easily flipped off by sheer strength and Dean hopped to his feet again. “Don’t be a bitch now, Chad,” he laughed, making it obvious he was enjoying himself and spat more blood as Chad stood again.

They continued to fight until Chad swept the legs out from under Dean and they wrestled on the ground a moment before Dean had him in a chokehold from underneath him. 

The only thing that could have snapped Dean out of this, was the voice of Cas. “Let go of me, someone has to stop this.” Dean loosened his grip and was distracted when he spotted Jask holding Cas’ arm, Chad picked up a stick and swung it backwards, splitting open Dean’s cheek. 

“Enough! You crossed the fucking line.” After a punch, Jimmy was on Chad, pulling him away from Dean and before Dean could stand, Jask was helping him up and holding him back. 

“Fuck all you football assholes!” Chad yelled, shoving at Jimmy. 

“What the matter, Chad? Daddy’s money couldn’t buy you any football skills so you just sit on the sidelines running your mouth? Did you not learn your lesson yet?” His cheek burned but he was much too heated to give a fuck. Chad tried to charge him again but Jask and Jimmy were able to shove them in opposite directions. “Alright!” Dean shrugged Jask off and walked away.

“Dean. You can’t just hit people when they piss you off. If we were at school, you-” 

“Don’t preach, Jask. We’re  _ not _ at school and that asshat had it coming.”

Jask sighed. “You did kick his ass though.” 

“Damn right I did. I’m surprised no one tried to break it up sooner, actually.” 

He shrugged. “Normally we let them go long enough to get out some of the aggression, otherwise people will end up fighting again anyway. At least that way we’re all there to stop it when it gets too far, like today. You might need stitches.”

“Nah, just a fucking papercut, I’m good.” Dean touched his cheek and flinched. “Sonofabitch.” 

“Suit yourself, but it’s much bigger than a papercut. Really want to scar up that pretty face?” Jask teased.

“Fuck off, Morningstar.” Dean shoved his arm just as Cas and Jimmy walked up. Cas looked upset and Dean felt like he was just sent to the principal's office. 

“What the hell were you thinking, Dean?” Cas crossed his arms.

Dean frowned and prepared for an argument, but Cas cut him off. 

“Save it. We’re going home.  _ Now.” _ He stalked off towards Dean’s car, not looking back.

Jimmy took off after Cas and Dean turned to look at Jask, who also looked like he was in a damn principal’s office. “He doesn’t get  _ that _ mad very often, you should go.” 

“Yeah, I’m going.” Dean looked at Jask a moment longer, trying to read his face as he watched Castiel walk away and then turned to follow the twins.  _ That dude is  _ **_definitely_ ** _ still in love with Cas. _

As Dean reached Baby, he heard the tail end of a conversation between the brothers. It was a very exhausted and unamused Cas, saying, “... you’d think I’d be used to it by now.”

_ What were they talking about? Why is Cas mad at me?  _

“You ready?” He asked awkwardly and Cas just sighed and climbed into the passenger side. Dean noticed Jimmy watching him and shrugged. “Thanks for having my back.”

“Anytime, Winchester. Try not to punch anyone on your way home.” 

“Shut up.” Dean climbed in the car and stuck the key in the ignition as they both watched Jimmy walk away. “Look, I’m sorry Cas. I never wanted you to see that side of me.”

Cas scoffed and handed him napkins. “Just drive the car, Dean. We’ll talk when you’re not bleeding.” 

Dean started the car and put it in reverse. “Fair enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kilig  
> [The feeling of butterflies in your stomach when something unexpectedly romantic happens]
> 
> Fair warning, the next chapter will be unbelievably cute and hopefully insanely satisfying. See you Wednesday!


	11. Yuanfen

_“I’m Icarus, today. Nah, I didn’t fly too close to the sun by mistake. I knew it would burn me, and I eagerly reached for it anyway_.” 

\- Indhumathi Nagarajan

**Castiel**

The ride back home was tense. Cas kept glancing at Dean, afraid he was going to bleed on the interior of that beautiful car. He was vaguely aware that was the least of their concerns, particularly because it wasn’t his car… but his mind was a mess. 

He had known Dean would likely explode at some point; he’d seen enough signs over the last few months to know that there was rage simmering just under the surface… but why this? Why was a total nothing like Chad the one that finally set Dean off?  _ Because he called him gay, that’s why. Dean Winchester is a ladies man, the victor of the Helltown Horndogs competition… a fucking meathead. Even  _ **_if_ ** _ Dean has feelings he doesn’t understand, he probably doesn’t  _ **_want_ ** _ to understand them.  _

Cas never took being gay as an insult, not even before he was out of the closet. It just… wasn’t something to be offended about. To him, it was like being offended that you were born with a certain eye color or belonging to a specific heritage. It was never something he could control, and it was just a part of who he was. If other people didn’t understand that… well, that said more about  _ their  _ character than his own. 

But in Cas’ experience, only two types of people got  _ that  _ angry over being called gay - homophobes and closeted homosexuals. While Cas had gotten the impression in the beginning that Dean was uncomfortable with  _ him  _ being gay, the more time that went on, he was almost positive that wasn’t the case. He wanted to ask Dean flat out what his issue was, but this didn’t seem like the time, and more than ever he was on Charlie’s side. If Dean reacted that way to someone that didn’t matter to him in the slightest thinking he was gay, he could only imagine how badly Dean would react if Cas suggested it. 

One flirty step forward, fifty steps back. 

Dean pulled into the driveway and Cas got out of the car. He hadn’t had a chance to drink anything, so he couldn’t even blame his roller-coaster of emotions on being drunk. When they got into the house, Cas pulled Dean to the bathroom and rummaged around for what he’d need. 

“Cas, I-”

_ “Hush, _ Dean. You’re still bleeding.” Cas couldn’t focus on saying the right thing or even having a calm conversation when Dean was covered in blood like that. He was worried, scared, angry, and if he was being honest… kind of turned on. No one had the right to look  _ that  _ hot while bleeding, it wasn’t fair. And now that he was so close to Dean, he could smell the blood mixed with autumn sweat and that  _ godsdamned _ perfect cologne, which only reminded Cas of the jersey he would most certainly no longer be permitted to wear. 

He cleaned up the blood the best that he could, taking extra care on Dean’s split lip. It was practically a war crime to harm those lips, and the urge to kiss away the pain Dean was feeling was at an all-time high. Dean flinched when Cas ran the pad of his thumb over Dean’s knuckles after wrapping his hand, so he pulled back. 

“Go lay down. I’m going to get you some ice for the swelling.” Cas kept his eyes on the floor as he maneuvered past Dean in the small space and made his way to the kitchen, pushing back the thoughts that were telling him Dean was flinching away from  _ him,  _ specifically. He dug around in the freezer until he found a long-forgotten bag of peas and made his way to Dean’s bedroom, taking a slow, steadying breath before going inside. 

He was laying on his back near the edge of the bed, so Cas sat down next to him and pressed the bag that he’d wrapped in a thin towel against the worst of the marks on his face. “Are you okay?” 

Dean finally glanced his way. “Thanks, and I’m fine. It’s... fine.”

“It’s not fine. And it’s okay if it’s not fine, you don’t have to hide from me, Dean.” He shifted, moving a little closer so his arm wasn’t so strained holding the peas. “Maybe  _ I  _ should have been the slutty nurse, hm?”

Dean huffed a laugh and licked his lip. “There’s still Halloween.” His small smile faded but he kept his eyes on Cas. “Why didn’t you wear it, Cas?”

He dropped his eyes to the gauze on Dean’s hand. “Honestly, I didn’t want to ruin it. I was afraid something would happen to it at the Dells before I had a chance to wear it to a game.” He paused, lowering his voice to a whisper because he truly didn’t want to ask, but he had to. “You’re clearly not comfortable with people thinking you’re gay, and yet you’re going to let an openly gay man wear your jersey, knowing what it typically insinuates. Are you… are you  _ sure _ you don’t want it back?”

Dean frowned. “What?? No. I want you to wear it. I don’t really care what people think, Castiel. I just don’t like being disrespected.” He reached his bandaged hand out and set it on top of Cas’, and Cas’ entire being responded to the contact.

Relief flooded through him but was replaced pretty quickly by exhaustion and a renewed sense that he’d always be one step away from what he wanted. He chose his words carefully, delivered them slowly. “Me wearing it is only going to make it worse, Dean. You know that, right? Not just with Chad and the people that think like him, but with Jaskier and possibly Jimmy, too. I don’t want to make anything harder for you, but you should know that I almost broke my face from smiling when I saw it. I appreciate you thinking about me.”

“If you don’t want to, then don’t.” Of course, Dean took it wrong. “But I knew all of that when I snuck in your room and gave it to you. Fuck Chad, and everyone like him.”

Cas’ hand was now shaking slightly under Dean’s, and he carefully turned it over so their palms flattened out against each other’s. He was too chicken shit to properly hold his hand, but Dean thinking he didn’t want the jersey was breaking his heart. “Don’t be an idiot. Of course I want to wear it, if I had my way I’d never take the damn thing off.” He let out a nervous laugh and rubbed his eyes under his glasses with his free hand, trying to figure out how on earth he was supposed to convey his feelings without flat out admitting he was stupidly, hopelessly in love with a man that didn’t feel the same. “I just don’t ever want to be the reason you have to fight. I think you’ve been through enough. Friends are supposed to make our lives easier, not harder.”

“Fighting is normal for me. The fact that I made it months without one is actually more shocking to me than anything. You don’t make my life harder, it’s the opposite.” He moved his fingers slightly and threaded them with Cas’. “Do I... make your life harder?”

_ Yes, in a thousand ways but not one of them is actually your fault. _ His heart was hammering in his chest at the feeling of actually holding hands with Dean, it felt like the most intimate thing he’d done in years... which only made it worse. “No, of course not. I’d appreciate it if you stopped breaking our dinnerware, but...” Cas licked his bottom lip and tried to smirk, or do  _ anything  _ to loosen the tension in his gut. “No.”

Dean laughed and looked down at their hands. “I’ll buy more.” He kept his eyes down. “How's my cheek? I haven’t looked at it.”

Cas reached over to move the bag from where it was resting between Dean’s cheek and the pillow and studied the cut, aware that he was leaning  _ entirely _ too close to Dean’s face. “It looks better without the blood. It’ll probably scar, but... it’ll heal. And if you keep ice applied to it, the swelling shouldn’t be too bad.”

Dean’s eyes locked on Cas’ face and he nodded. “Thanks  _ regular _ and not-at-all slutty nurse.” He licked his lips and grinned.

“Oh, Dean. I’m plenty slutty, just... extremely particular about who gets to have me.” Cas leaned back and chuckled, hoping the vibrations coursing through his body weren’t as noticeable as he feared. “You should get some rest, and don’t fall asleep with your shoes on.”

Dean released Cas’ hand and sat up. “Yes,  _ sir.”  _ He got off the bed and kicked off his shoes, then pulled off his bloody and dirty Hunters tee and began on his belt. “I can’t wear all these clothes when I sleep anyway.”

Cas stopped breathing. As if the word  _ sir _ wasn’t enough to get him going, Dean was -  _ fuck. No, no no, NO! _ He pressed his palm against his crotch as nonchalantly as he could and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to think about ghost stories and dead kittens and old people... anything that would stop his  _ extremely _ inappropriate bulge from growing any bigger. “I... should... leave you to that, then.” But he didn’t move, how could he?

Dean’s eyes shifted to Cas’ lap and widened. He chuckled nervously and kicked off his pants, climbing into bed. “A good nurse would stay the night, I mean what if i have a concussion?”

He tipped his head back and let out a steadying breath through his nose. Of  _ course _ Dean wanted him to stay, he apparently hadn’t been punished enough for whatever sins he committed in his previous lives. “I will never understand why you hate me.” It came out flippant, which he was happy for. He stood up, keeping his back to Dean and slowly sliding off his sweater. “I can feel your body heat from here, there’s no way I’d be able to sleep with this thing on.” He heard a quiet intake of breath behind him and smiled to himself, but decided to leave his jeans on because honestly, climbing into bed with Dean with a fully noticeable erection would be rude.  _ Very _ rude. 

He toed off his shoes and disappeared into the kitchen for a moment, collecting himself and grabbing them each a bottle of water. He stayed there until the old-lady thoughts served their purpose and then went back to a Dean, handing him the water and walking around to the other side of the bed to get in. “Basic aftercare, drink up.”

“Thank you, Castiel.” Dean’s voice was low and Cas could have swore he saw him adjust himself before taking a drink.

He bit his tongue hard enough that it was actually painful, and yet it did nothing to stop the rebirth of the erection he’d just gotten rid of. He nodded and rolled over quickly to face away from Dean, but there was absolutely no escape at this point. The blanket, sheets and pillows all smelled like Dean, and  _ actual _ Dean was lying next to him. This was rapidly becoming the most strenuous test of his self-control that he’d ever endured, and Dean wanted him to stay  _ all night? _

“If you’re honestly worried about a concussion, I’ll need to wake you up every couple of hours.”

“Mmhmm,” Dean mumbled. Cas felt him turn to face him, but then quickly roll the other way. He was struggling to figure out what the point of any of this was other than to torture him, but he was weak and couldn’t bring himself to ask  _ or  _ move. 

Cas realized his phone was still in his jeans pocket so he pulled it out and set an alarm to check on Dean in two hours. He fell asleep listening to the sound of Dean breathing, and then jerked awake when his alarm went off.

It took several seconds to orient himself, and when he did, his heart found a permanent home in his throat. Dean’s head was on Cas’ shoulder. It wasn’t quite as cute nor as comfortable as it could have been if they’d done it on purpose, but just knowing that any part of Dean wanted to be close to him made him happy.

He reluctantly moved and sat up, shaking Dean gently and whispering his name.

Dean groaned and his bottom lip had the nerve to adorably pout. He put an arm around Cas torso and hummed, pinning Cas to the spot. 

He invented about nine new swear words in his mind and sucked in a breath, saying Dean’s name a little louder and staring down at the muscled, gorgeous forearm strung across his lap. Part of him wanted to lay back down and snuggle closer, but the more rational part of him knew it was quite possible Dean  _ did _ have a concussion, and he needed to not be selfish. “You um... I need you to wake up.”

Dean mumbled something and then moved his arm, rolling away from Cas onto his back. “Mm up.”

Cas mouthed the word  _ fuck _ and then turned to face Dean, trying to adopt a professional tone but that was hard when your voice was wrecked from both sleep and arousal. “Do you know where you are?”

“Mmhmm. Home.” He ran a hand down his face and flinched when he touched his cheek.

“Can you tell me your name, my name, and what happened tonight?” He knew he should probably go one at a time, but this was hard enough as it was.

“You’re my sexy nurse.” He grinned like it was a good joke, but it wasn’t. The joke was  _ slutty… _ not sexy.

Cas rolled his eyes, mirroring the exact motion of his stomach. He deadpanned, “I’m afraid you  _ do _ have a concussion, we should take you to the hospital.”

Dean sighed and finally opened his eyes. “My name is Dean Winchester. You’re Castiel Novak. You have an identical twin that looks nothing like you, and the bluest eyes to ever exist. I fought some douchebag for simply being a douchebag and got hit with a stick. Do I still have to go to the hospital?”

He swallowed, dropping his eyes to Dean’s chest. “No, Dean. I think you’re fine.” And he was, this was very in line with Dean’s insistence on torturing him. “Go back to sleep, I’ll wake you again in two hours.” 

He laid back down, once again rolling to face the opposite wall and wondering if any of this was  _ ever  _ going to get any easier.

The rest of the night went pretty much the same. He only woke Dean up once more, and after he was thoroughly convinced Dean was fine, he let him sleep. The last thing he needed was another football player blaming him for losing a game.

Cas opened his eyes before Dean in the morning and laid there for several moments before deciding it would be easier for everyone if he left before he woke up. He grabbed his sweater and his shoes from the floor, took one last glance at Dean, and snuck out into the kitchen to make some coffee. 

To his surprise, Jimmy was already sitting on the couch. Cas nodded to him. “You’re up early.”

“Did you seriously just come from Dean’s room? What the  _ fuck _ Cas? We talked about this.”

Cas glared at his twin. “It’s not what it looks like, he thought he might have a concussion because  _ you _ refused to break up the fight until it was too late.”

“Oh, and you just  _ had _ to nurse him to health, huh? Why are you doing this to yourself?”

He recoiled a little, turning to wait for his coffee. “He needed me, okay? He asked me to stay, so I did. End of story.”

Jimmy rolled his eyes and frowned into his cup. “Whatever you say, Cas.”

Cas wished more than anything that he and Jimmy weren’t at odds about this. Jimmy was right, he was doing this to  _ himself, _ and had no one else to blame for it... but that didn’t make it easier. He wanted to spill his guts to the person that knew him better than anyone until Jimmy somehow managed to fix it - but he knew enough to know that if he tried, it would only end in a fight. He changed the subject. “Are you excited for the game...?”

“Of course. Won’t be coming home after though, you hanging out with anyone?” He asked, still not looking at him.

Honestly was supposed to be the best policy, right? “Dean offered to give me a ride to the Witches Ball, but other than that... no.”

Jimmy scoffed. “Is he gay, Cas?”

“First of all, why are you saying it like that? Like it would be a terrible thing if he was.” Pain lanced through his chest and he gripped the edge of the counter, his words coming out much sharper than he’d intended. “It doesn’t matter if he is or he isn’t, but if he  _ is, _ you’re not making it any easier on him.  _ No one _ is.”

“Do you know how fucking awkward it was for me when you and Morningstar broke up? I think I have the right to know if it’s gonna happen again.” He stood up and walked over to the kitchen. “It isn’t your job to fix anyone, Cas.”

“He doesn’t need to be  _ fixed, _ James, there’s nothing wrong with him!” Cas paused, fury on his face and made a conscious effort to lower his voice. “I’m sorry that the worst heartache in my life was  _ ‘awkward’ _ for you... but you’ve got this wrong. He doesn’t want me, and it would be nice if you’d quit fucking reminding me of that fact.” He glanced toward Dean’s door and then took off outside. There were still a couple of hours left until the game, he could come back after Jimmy and Dean were gone to get the jersey and go by himself. 

For now, he needed to escape, so he did what he’s always done, and took off toward the Gates of Hell.

**Dean**

Dean rushed out of his room when he heard the front door slam just in time to see Jimmy set his cup in the sink aggressively, obviously upset. “Where’s Cas?” 

Jimmy responded with an annoyed scoff and walked into his room slamming the door. “Alright then.” Dean shook his head and went to pour some coffee and think about what the hell happened last night.

He asked Cas to stay. He wasn’t drunk, nor concussed, and he asked him to stay. Even better, Cas  _ actually _ stayed. The middle of the night was a blur but he remembered waking up more than once with every one of his senses overwhelmed with Cas. 

Dean walked into his room and stared at his bed with a smile. He didn’t even give the fight a second thought, fighting was never a big deal in Hayward and Dean never dwelled on them much after the fact, so thinking of Cas in his bed was all he had on his mind when he laid back down and smelled Castiel on his pillow. 

~~~~

Dean got bitched out for fighting, but no one snitched, even though Coach Singer asked everyone in there what happened. “I can see the damn marks on ‘em! If y’all insist on this bullshit comradery then you must be fine with two-a-days next week.” People groaned, and Dean stepped forward to take the blame but Jask put a hand on his shoulder.

“We all fought, Coach. See you bright and early Monday morning.” And that was that. 

When he tried to thank everyone, they waved him off and continued getting dressed.

Adrenaline coursed through Dean’s body as he stepped foot on the field. It always did, but this time was different. Helltown took two things seriously - football and Halloween - so Dean was convinced the entire town was in the stands and he jogged on the field slowly, looking through the sea of red and white for one specific person. When he spotted Cas, he was thankful he was already wearing his helmet, because the idiotic blush/grin combo would have been embarrassing. The number 24 on his chest was a great look,  _ much  _ better than 29.

Dean’s mouthpiece hung from his helmet and swung around as he nodded in Cas’ direction. Charlie’s bright red hair was next to him and Dean was just happy he wasn’t alone. He shoved his mouthguard in and focused on the task at hand. The Hunters were undefeated, and he’d be damned if that ended today, not with Cas wearing his jersey. That could  _ not _ happen.

~~~~

The Satyrs were fucking ruthless. Their ugly brown and yellow combo must have been thrown together to make the opposing team nauseous, and Dean was sure none of them showered this week to try and throw them off. 

Maybe it was working, because by halftime they were down by two touchdowns and the momentum was slowly slipping from their grasp.

All the blame couldn’t fall on the Satyrs’ hygiene. Morningstar threw an interception on the opening drive and unfortunately, that set a tone. There were missed tackles, a fumble, missed field goal and two shoving matches in the first quarter alone. 

Second quarter was no better, although they finally got some damn points on the board thanks to a 25 yard run from Trenton. Dean pulled Jimmy aside and slapped his helmet after yet  _ another _ missed tackle. “Whatever happened in the morning happened in the morning, let that shit go, Novak.” 

“Fuck off.” He shoved back and walked away but he played better after that, so Dean wasn’t complaining.

The walk into the locker room was silent and grim. They were down 7-24 and unless Bugs Bunny walked in here with  _ Michael’s Secret Stuff,  _ they were fucked. 

Coach Singer stood by the board that held their competition stats with his shoulders slumped but his head held high. “Alright, I’m not gonna mince words here. We’re gettin’ our asses handed to us. Every damn one of you has made mistakes, but this game is  _ far  _ from over, you hear me, boys? When we get back out there, take a moment and look at those stands. Really  _ look  _ at ‘em. Those people expect you to be better, and I want that message to seep into your jock straps and whip your butts into shape. This ain’t just about you, it’s about every single person that’s putting their faith in us to put a W on that board.” 

He paced for a moment, rubbing the stubble on his jaw and the team stayed completely silent. “We’re out there actin’ like prey, and prey don’t win football games. I’ve seen what you boys can do, so it’s high time you show the Satyrs what all the hype has been about. Who are you?” 

“Hunters!” 

“And are Hunters  _ anyone’s  _ prey?” 

“No sir!” 

Coach nodded and looked at each of them in turn. “You’re damn right. Now go out there, on all sides of the ball… and be  _ hunters. _ Go after this win with everything you got, and as long as you do that… I’m gonna be damn proud of you, win or lose.” And then, in true Coach Singer fashion, he sent them out with an insult to get their blood pumping. “I know you idjits have that Witches Nutsack thing tonight, and unless you want the first ritualistic killing to be  _ you,  _ I suggest you go out there and win yourselves a damn ball game.” 

As the Hunters made their way back on the field, Singer’s speech played back in their minds. Especially Dean’s.  _ I’m a Hunter. Always been a damn Hunter, it’s the fucking family business.  _

They lined up and Dean was mumbling a song he’d always loved to sing while playing.  _ “...From the midnight sun, where the hot springs flow. The hammer of the gods...” _

_ Hike! _

Dean kept his eyes on his man and broke up the play with a tipped pass.

_ “...Valhalla I am coming.” _

The Satyr he was guarding nodded. “What’d you say?”

“I said, tell your mom I am coming.” Dean winked and waved goodbye at him as he walked to his side of the line.

Three plays later Jimmy forced a fumble and Dean was there to jump on it. They did some cheesy celebrations before returning to their post and it seemed the tone had finally changed. 

Milton caught a 15 yarder for another touchdown, and Garth hit a field goal before the end of the third, bringing the score to 17-24.

Fourth quarter started slow but Garth ended up hitting another field goal to keep the momentum. 

_ 20-24… we got this. We got this.  _ Dean looked at the time  _ 2:00 minutes left and they’re on third down. We got this. We’re Hunters. _

Jimmy whistled at Dean and nodded towards the middle, he saw something Dean didn’t see on the far side but Dean knew what he meant.  _ The middle. _

_ “Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh…”  _ Dean stopped his singing when he noticed  _ Thunder  _ was blaring from the stadium speakers, the entire home side was clapping and stomping along and Dean decided to join in that song, instead. They always played this after the two minute warning and Dean felt like it was a song just for the defense. 

_ “Thun-thun-thunder, thunder…” _

_ Hike! _

They faked a pass and tried to run up the middle, Jimmy was too far and that hole was too big. Dean abandoned his man and ran towards their running back, knocking him from the side. The ball went flying and all Dean could do was look up at it. He didn’t release his breath until he saw a red jersey come down with the ball,  _ who was that… twenty…. 29! Fucking Jimbo! _

Dean scrambled to his feet and ran next to him making one more block before Jimmy was gone.

_ 45-50-40-30-20-10 TOUCHDOWN HUNTERS! _

The entire defense ran down to celebrate with Jimmy, and sing loudly, while dancing ridiculously together.

_ “Thunder, feel the thunder _

_ Lightning then the thunder _

_ Thunder, feel the thunder _

_ Lightning then the thunder…” _

Dean was sure he’d remember this moment the rest of his life, and still couldn’t hear the sound of his own voice well after the two point conversation - thanks to Trenton.  _ 28-24 Hunters! _

With the Satyrs’ momentum gone, they ran out the clock with ease and before the clock was even at zero, people in the stands were starting to run toward the field to congratulate the home team. 

All these people, and Dean only cared about one. It took awhile to fight his way through the crowd but after a moment he saw Cas, shining bright like the stadium lights were specifically made for him. Dean pulled off his helmet and began to jog over just as Cas turned away and walked behind the bleachers.  _ Did he not see me?  _

Dean was stopped a couple more times and discovered he had a new nickname from classmates,  _ Lightning. _ Which apparently made Jimmy  _ Thunder.  _ But he couldn’t complain, they really were a force to be reckoned with when they wanted to be. Dean finally escaped the crowd, walked around the bleachers and saw Cas, alone, in his jersey. He grinned and walked over. “There you are.”

Cas was smiling so widely his eyes were nearly closed behind his glasses. “Dean, that was incredible!”

“Yeah?” Dean walked closer, feeling bolder than usual. The blood was still pumping in his ears. “You wore it.” He pinched right between the numbers and pulled it slightly.

The flush on Cas' cheeks as he willingly came closer to Dean was adorable. "Of course I did. Did you really think I wouldn't?"

“Well... you snuck out and did the walk of shame this morning so, I worried.” All Dean wanted to do was kiss Cas. He couldn’t remember  _ ever  _ wanting to kiss someone so badly in his entire life, but he feared how Cas would react. Dean shifted closer so their bodies were flush, and if Cas didn’t move away, he was going for it.

Cas sucked in a breath and gripped the sides of Dean’s shoulderpads. “I can assure you, Dean. That wasn’t a walk of shame, I would never be ash-”

Dean leaned in and pressed their lips together for the first time. It was slow and experimental, but Dean’s confidence kicked up with each passing second that Cas didn’t shove him away and he whimpered slightly as he parted his lips. 

He could feel Cas' hands wrapping around the back of his neck and pulling him in deeper as Castiel took total control. He got lost in it, lost in  _ Cas, _ and how completely fucking right it felt. Cas pulled back after a moment, his eyes wide and biting his bottom lip, as if that didn't immediately make Dean want to kiss him again. 

"Are you sure?"

Dean nodded and leaned in again, wanting to taste more of Cas. There was no hesitation this time, Cas kissed him like they’d been doing it from day one, like it was the most natural thing in the world for them to be sucking face behind the bleachers, or anywhere else for that matter. It was confident and deep and fucking  _ consuming.  _

Cas pulled back after a moment and flicked his eyes toward the crowd on the other side of the stands, pulling Dean sharply back into reality. “You should go join your teammates, and I’ll see you at the dance?” 

Dean nodded, looking like a lovestruck idiot. “Right... yeah, the dance. I’ll pick you up?”

That wide, face-splitting smile found its way back to Cas' face, and it calmed his nerves. "Yes, don't be late."

“Yes, sir.” Dean back peddled a moment, and then turned to run towards the locker room, with a permanent grin on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuanfen  
> [The force that brings us together]
> 
> Happy Monday!


	12. Vad

_ “I cannot let you burn me up, nor can I resist you. No mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed.” _

\- A. S. Byatt

**Castiel:**

Cas’ lips were still tingling as he made his way back home to change for the dance. Out of all the things he’d expected to happen after the events of the last twenty-four hours… that wasn’t one of them. Nothing in the world could wipe the smile off his face, not a hundred Jaskiers or a thousand embarrassing moments. The Hunters were 5-0, the weather was beautiful for early October, and Cas  _ finally  _ got to kiss Dean Winchester. 

Adrenaline and sheer  _ joy  _ were battling inside of him and he felt like he could power an entire city with the energy radiating from him. He  _ hadn’t  _ been wrong, Dean was bi, and actually interested in  _ him.  _ Suddenly, the struggle of the past five months seemed like it might be worth it. And Dean had initiated it, he’d  _ wanted  _ it, it wasn’t something Cas forced him into and it wasn’t something that happened thanks to too many whiskey sours. 

He couldn’t make it more than ten seconds without a grin splitting his face. He hadn’t been this happy in a long, long time… and now he had the dance to look forward to. Since he was home alone, he turned on the radio and danced like a nerdy little asshole as he stripped down until he was wearing nothing but Dean’s jersey and his boxers. He couldn’t pass up the opportunity to take a picture of himself like that, so he dug around for his camera and ended up taking a couple until he got one that he liked. 

The air guitar performance he put on to  _ Are You Gonna Be My Girl  _ by Jet could have won him a Grammy, and he only stopped when he whipped his head a little  _ too  _ hard and tripped on the side of the couch. 

He laughed himself silly for a minute, soaking in the mountain of good feelings he was buried under and then carefully took the jersey off. He hoped that it wasn’t a one-time offer, and hung it back up in his own closet. If Dean wanted it back, he could take it over Cas’ cold, dead body. 

Cas was still dancing when he got in the shower, and by the time he got out it was safe to say he was on cloud fucking nine. He didn’t give a shit what Jimmy said, or Jask did, or what anyone else thought. He wouldn’t make the same mistakes with Dean that he had with Jaskier. He’d do  _ whatever  _ he needed to do to keep Dean, and to support him as much as he could as he navigated this newly admitted side of himself. 

It didn’t take long for Cas to get dressed. He felt like a teenager getting ready for a first date; he was overeager and didn’t pay any attention to the fact that he still had two full hours before Dean would be back to get him. He briefly considered foregoing the druid costume he’d picked out in favor of something he might look better in, but this was one of the very few times that Helltown celebrated his affinity for dressing up. His tunic was black and sleeveless, with thin grey rope-ties at the top that criss-crossed over his bare sternum. The tunic v’d at the bottom underneath a snug, diamond shaped fabric belt and left little to the imagination when it came to what he was hiding under his tight leather pants. Cas slid on the same black boots he always used for LARPing and finished off his look with an oversized, dark grey hood that cast shadows on his face when it was up and a pair of leather wrist cuffs. 

He spent a few moments in front of the mirror admiring the way the sleeveless tunic and cuffs showed off his muscles despite his fading tan, and attempted to fix his hair. Cas was pretty sure it was pointless - if he put his hood up for twenty seconds, it would be a mess again. He debated about painting his face, and decided not to overdo it because he was already going to be embarrassing Dean enough. He decided to simply smudge a little bit of black eyeliner on and opted for his contacts instead of his glasses. Cas grinned at his reflection… he looked  _ good.  _

After he was ready to go, there was nothing to do but wait. He walked around the house, fidgeting with things and straightening the pictures on the wall. It occurred to him then that they’d never put up any pictures of Dean, and made a mental note to have someone take a picture of them at the dance so they could hang it up if Dean didn’t have any personal photos with him. Or… maybe he’d just do it anyway. 

When he heard the Impala’s horn beeping outside, Cas nearly had a heart attack. This felt so different than any of the other times Dean had driven him somewhere, and now that he knew Dean felt  _ something  _ toward him… it struck him that this might be a  _ real  _ date. How it took him this long to realize that was beyond him, but it made sense. Dean had offers but turned them down, insisting that he drive Cas to the dance. He’d never once mentioned being willing to take a potential date of Cas’... had asked Cas to help him pick out his outfit… 

_ Fuck!  _ He pulled out his phone and texted Dean with shaking fingers.  _ Be right out.  _ Cas dashed back into the bathroom and once again tried to fix his hair, brushed his teeth for the third time and applied extra deodorant. For all his dancing that day, he had no idea how to do it with another person, much less someone as overwhelmingly attractive as Dean. 

_ This is going to be a trainwreck.  _ Dean honked again, and Cas took a half a dozen deep, shuddering breaths before controlling his face into a mask of perfect calm.  _ Thank god for the acting class I took over the summer.  _

He lifted his hood and opened the door, stepping out into the night and sneaking over to the Impala like a thief. Hell, if he was going to  _ act  _ like he wasn’t a nervous, jittery mess, he might as well be over-the-top about it. He opened the car door and sat down, offering Dean an easy smile. “Shall we?” 

~~~~

They walked in together after taking about a half a dozen pictures, but it was mere seconds before they were split up by their friends. Benny and Garth dragged Dean away to the feast table, and Charlie pounced on him as Dean was looking back at him apologetically.

“Come on! Let me show you all the cool stuff we did!” 

She looked so excited he didn’t want to disappoint her, and Dean seemed busy for the moment anyway. They walked around the banquet hall that had been completely transformed. On one wall was a giant tapestry with a written retelling of “The Second Battle of Mag Tuired”, one of the most popular Samhain stories. There was a table set up for tarot card reading, the feast table that Dean was already getting  _ very  _ acquainted with, and an altar decorated with photos of Helltown University alumni that had passed away. For a school that had been around for less than two decades, there were a suspiciously high number of pictures up there. He licked his lips and tuned back into Charlie, who was explaining the juniper decorations and music selection. Cas had a feeling that if they didn’t turn off the fantasy instrumentals and play something more modern, the attendance level was going to drop drastically, and quickly. He told Charlie as much and she frowned, then took off to go do something about the soundtrack. 

Finally free of his well-intentioned friend, he turned to look for Dean again. He was stuffing the tiny cakes into his mouth like he’d never seen one before, and Cas laughed as he watched crumbs spill down Dean’s plain white tunic. They hadn’t gone overboard for his costume since he wasn’t used to it, and Cas was glad for it. He looked absolutely delicious just like that, and Cas had somehow managed  _ not  _ to tell him that in the Druid tradition, only royalty wore white. If that was his own personal rebellion against Jask becoming Homecoming King… no one needed to know but him. 

He smiled at Dean from afar and was content to watch him have fun for a moment, but Bela approached him and asked him to dance. Cas could see Dean shaking his head no and trying to back up, but she was insistent. He was just about to go over there and steal  _ his  _ Dean away, when Dean smiled and wrapped his arms around her. Cas frowned deeply, watching the way her hands slid up his back and wrinkled his tunic. He wasn’t sure what made him angrier about that, the fact that he’d  _ just  _ ironed it or the way that it caused the fabric to bunch up and show off Dean’s sculpted back muscles. 

No, no… he was definitely angriest about the fact that she was touching Dean period. Cas took a calming breath, they’d only shared one kiss… Cas didn’t own him.  _ Yet.  _ If this is what Dean needed in order to reconcile what happened and come to terms with who he is, then Castiel could allow him that courtesy. He could stand aside. 

Someone tapped on his shoulder and he turned, expecting to see Charlie, but it was his psychology professor. “Oh, I didn’t expect to see you, Professor Ketch.” 

“Chaperoning, unofficially, of course.” 

_ What the hell did  _ **_that_ ** _ mean?  _ “Aren’t these events sponsored by student groups?” 

Ketch nodded. “Precisely why I said  _ unofficially,  _ Mister Novak. The group that sponsored this little shindig heard rumors that  _ some,”  _ his eyes traveled toward Dean and Bela, “of the football players have a taste for fighting, and they wanted a little bit of  _ adult  _ supervision. Since I’m clearly the most laid back of all the teachers here, they chose me.” Ketch smiled almost cutely, and Cas found himself frowning all over again. 

“Oh.” 

“So, you see, I’m supposed to blend in, not make a fuss, that sort of thing. Unless, of course, things get out of hand. Provided that doesn’t happen, I’m free to mingle and dance just like the rest of you. With that being said...” Ketch stepped back, tucking one arm behind his back and holding out the other in invitation. “Would you mind showing me?” 

Under normal circumstances, he’d have reminded Ketch that dancing with students was probably inappropriate whether he was here officially or otherwise, not to mention the fact that even without Dean, Cas would have zero interest in him. But these weren’t normal circumstances, and when he saw Dean lean down to whisper something in Bela’s ear… logic and reason became things of Castiel’s past. 

He took his professors hand and gripped a little tighter than he normally would as an attempt to level out the power imbalance between them. Cas pulled Ketch closer to Dean and the Harlot, and allowed him to step closer until they were almost flush. He didn’t even want to  _ begin  _ to imagine how awkward this was going to make his psychology classes, but this was a better alternative to standing back and watching Dean be…  _ Dean.  _

Thankfully - or horrifyingly, depending on how you look at it - he only had to dance with Ketch for about a minute and a half before Jaskier spotted them and made his way over. 

“Mind if I cut in?” 

_ This is going from bad to worse, but… stick with the devil you know.  _ Ketch looked disappointed as Cas agreed, and then he found himself in the arms of the guy that broke his heart. “You played well today, at least toward the end… when it counted.” 

Jask grinned down at him and Cas made a point to bring his hands up a little higher on his back. “Coach told us to think about the people in the stands that were watching us. For me, that was you.” 

Every fiber of his being was itching to remind Jaskier that he wasn’t watching  _ him  _ at all, but Dean and Bela were still dancing close and the jealousy in Cas’ gut was making him act like an idiot. “I’ll always watch you, Jaskier. To be fair, however, you’re kind of hard to miss with all that hair.” 

Jask laughed loudly, which caught Dean’s attention. Cas watched him over Jask’s shoulder and leveled a  _ ‘come and get me, then’  _ stare at him, and he didn’t have to wait long. Dean shrugged Bela’s clinging hands off of him and made his way over to them, his expression unreadable. 

Dean pulled Cas’ hand off of Jask’s neck and twirled him away, before pulling him in. “My turn. Beat it, Morningstar. Bela’s looking for you.”

“I thought Bela was  _ your  _ whore. What’re you, sharing her now?” Jask frowned at the change in the situation, and Cas was suddenly nervous this was going to get bad. 

He held Dean a little closer and smiled at Jask. “I asked him earlier if he’d dance with me, I didn’t want to be the weird kid without a date. Where’s yours, Jaskier? I’m sure he’s missing you.” 

Cas knew perfectly well that Jaskier didn’t have a date, and Jask seemed to know it, too. He took one last look at them and then shoulder-checked Dean on his way over to Bela. “Talbot! Come dance with your quarterback.” 

“Sorry.” Cas rolled his eyes and looked back at Dean, a mischievous smile on his lips. “Took you long enough, you know I had to dance with  _ Ketch?  _ Jaskier was actually an upgrade, if you can believe that.” 

“The fuck is Ketch doing here? And no, still not an upgrade. Jask lost the right to touch you in anyway.” Dean continued swaying, his eyes locked on Cas.

“You’re right, he did. And only  _ one  _ person has earned it, and it certainly wasn’t Ketch.” Cas smiled playfully and fought the urge to kiss Dean again, stopping only because they were in public.

“W-who’s earned it?” Dean asked, blushing slightly.

Cas reached a hand up to brush his thumb as gently as he could over the cut on Dean’s cheek. “You. Always you.”

“Castiel...” Dean whimpered and closed his eyes tightly.

He felt that through his entire body. Cas hadn’t even noticed they’d stopped dancing, but they had. He grinned slowly, sliding his hand to the side of Dean’s neck and tracing the line of his jaw. “Maybe when we finally get out of here, we can further explore you using my full name.”

Dean blushed and chuckled nervously. “You like that?” He licked his split lip softly, and Cas’ eyes were immediately drawn to the movement.

“Almost an unreasonable amount, yes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to even breathe properly around you?” He grinned, grateful he was finally getting that off his chest. “Everything about you is beautiful.” 

As if his brother hadn’t already won the award for having the worst timing in the history of the world, he chose that moment to add to his qualifications. “Cas, quit hogging my fellow safety.”

Dean was blushing pretty hard but of course, he played it off. “Aww, you wanna dance, bitch?” Dean let go of Cas and started dancing with Jimmy like an asshole.

“I wasn’t hogging him, he was saving me from your quarterback.” Cas screwed up his face, even when done sarcastically, he didn’t appreciate watching Dean dance with Jimmy. Or  _ anyone,  _ for that matter. “Shove off, James, or I’m going to go tell Ophelia about your favorite pair of underwear when you were a child.”

Jimmy looked horrified and pushed Dean right back into Cas’ arms. He muttered, “God, you’re evil,” before running off after his girlfriend. 

Cas laughed quietly and smiled at Dean. “You’re not getting away from me that easily.”

Dean giggled like the adorable idiot he is. “No? You going to demand I go home and boss me around again?”

He quirked his eyebrow and pulled Dean closer to him with a sharp movement. "That depends. Are you prepared to listen, or are you going to be a brat?"

Dean audibly swallowed and his eyes widened. “Gonna listen, Castiel.” The humor was gone from his face, and that was good enough for Cas. 

“Then yes, I’m going to demand that we both go home, because I think we’ve waited long enough.” He took a half-step back and nodded toward the door. “Go, I’m going to say goodbye to Jimmy and make sure he’s not coming back. Pull the car around, I’ll meet you out front.” 

“Yes, Castiel.” Dean nodded with a small, infuriating smirk and took off for the door, not bothering to hide the redness on his face. Cas quickly sought out Jimmy and Ophelia, confirmed he was going home with her, and headed for the door. 

He paused for a moment to text Charlie to let her know they did a fantastic job with the decorations but that something came up and he had to leave, and then he practically ran toward the entrance and out to Dean’s car. 

**Dean**

Dean was shaking as he walked towards Baby. He didn’t really know what was about to happen, but whatever it was… Dean fucking wanted it. He wanted anything and everything Castiel was willing to give him.

He didn’t deserve Cas, that much he knew, but for whatever reason... Cas wanted him, too. 

Dean dropped his keys  _ twice,  _ and tripped over a curb just before he finally reached the car. He tossed his head back and rubbed his eyes.  _ What the hell was he doing? What would his fath-  _ No. Dean shoved those bullshit thoughts into a tiny box and put it on a damn dusty shelf - right next to eight grade Spanish - climbed into Baby, and started her up. 

He put in some Seger and pulled up to the front of the building, tapping the steering wheel for about thirty seconds before Cas came walking out. Once again, he was shining brighter than anything around him.

Castiel was fucking beautiful. How were so many people so friggen blind? Dean chucked,  _ their loss… I hope I don’t fuck this up. _

He was never that good at keeping his self-doubt at bay. 

When Cas reached the car, Dean cursed himself for not getting out and opening the door for him. He reached over and tried to ungracefully open it from the inside. “Sorry. I should have got out.”

Cas plopped inside and shook his head. “Don’t be silly. I’m perfectly capable of opening doors, Dean.”

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, but these doors are heavy.”

“Are you calling me weak? 

“W-what? No. I was-”

“I’m fucking with you, Dean. After tonight, you’ll never doubt my strength again.” He smiled knowingly and turned to look out the window.

Since Dean was dumbstruck, he put the car back in drive and headed home. The silence was actually comforting, especially after Cas reached for his hand and gently ran his fingers over his wounds. He didn’t feel like he had to fake or hide anything, and it was freeing. 

After they parked, Dean stayed sitting in the car and Cas made no move to exit, either. “Castiel…” Dean whispered, not able to look at him just yet.

A quiet moan came from Cas’ side of the car. “I’m wearing leather pants, Dean. Could you refrain from giving me an erection until I have the chance to take them off?”

“Sorry... I-” Dean gripped the steering wheel. “I don’t know how far you want to go tonight but I... can we maybe go slow?” He blushed and turned away in shame. Dean wanted Cas, he wanted everything he was willing to give, he just... “Nothin’s ever been up there.”

Cas tightened his grip on Dean’s hand. “Of course we can, we can do as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. We don’t have to do anything at all, if you’re not ready.” He let go of his hand and gently cupped his chin, turning his face back toward Cas’. “Dean... there’s no rush. There’s no pressure, no expectations. You won’t be letting me down if nothing happens, do you understand?”

“No I... want to. I’m ju- how bad does it hurt the first time?” He was happy the car was dark and hoped it hid his embarrassing blush.

“If I do my job correctly? It won’t hurt you at  _ all.” _ Cas dropped his hand and began fidgeting with the leather cuff on his wrist, but didn’t break eye contact. “I would never hurt you, Dean. It’s not... an immediate thing. I’d take my time, make sure you’re ready... comfortable. Prepared.”

“Really??” Dean looked - and felt - like a damn kid in a candy shop. “Um... you ready to go inside?”

Cas exhaled so hard he could feel the hot air through his tunic. “Yes. Please. I’m going to rip these pants if we don’t, and they weren’t cheap.” He got out of the car and went to unlock the front door.

Dean took a moment to take a deep breath, tap the steering wheel and follow Cas inside. He wasn’t feeling very confident right now but he couldn’t help it. “Your ass is amazing in leather pants, Castiel.” Dean reached out and touched it tentatively with his split lip between his teeth.

“You should do that exact thing again in about three minutes, when I manage to peel these things off of my skin.” Cas grinned playfully and shut the front door, then pulled Dean into another blazing kiss. He pulled back with his eyes closed and had the nerve to look like that was the best thing that ever happened to him. “Where would you be more comfortable? My room, or yours?”

“Yours...” Dean’s hands were shaking again as he reached for the button on Cas’ pants. He popped it open and grinned. “Fuck, I want you.”

Cas reached up to untie the top of Dean’s tunic with one hand and started walking backward toward his room, pulling Dean along with him. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that.” Dean leaned in and kissed him again as they awkwardly maneuvered toward Cas’ bedroom, knocking over pretty much everything in their path. 

Cas spun them around and kicked the door shut behind them and flipped on the light before tugging on Dean’s ridiculous costume pants. “I don’t suppose you got tested after you won your little competition, did you?”

“Of course I did.” He was almost offended. “Those chicks were sketchy as hell. I always use a condom but I still got tested.” He looked down and watched Cas’ ridiculously sexy hands work on his clothes.

“Oh, um...” Cas stopped suddenly, looking toward the dresser by his bed. “I don’t think I have any. Do you?”

Dean shrugged “Dunno. I can go look.” But he wrapped his hands around Cas and kissed him again.

Cas moaned into his mouth and pulled him toward the bed, stopping just shy of it. He began trying to take those leather pants off, and honestly, it would have been hilarious if Dean wasn’t so fucking turned on. Cas had  _ nothing _ on under them, and once he managed to fight his way out of the rest of his outfit, he stood straight, clearing his throat and looking at Dean like  _ he _ was the one that was nervous.

Dean’s eyes devoured every inch of Cas and he was tenting his pants shamelessly. “Can I...” He pointed at Cas’ beautiful cock and slowly reached out. Dean had never touched another dick but it was something that haunted every single sex dream.

“You don’t need to ask, Dean. There are no rules this time, do what feels right. Explore, touch, kiss... bite.” Cas stepped forward and pulled Dean’s tunic over his head, finishing what he’d started earlier.

Dean’s hair stuck up in odd directions as he closed the small distance and wrapped his calloused hand around Cas’ smooth cock. Dean closed his eyes and a needy little moan escaped his lips.

He could hear the hitch in Cas’ breath as the mass in his fist moved on it’s own a couple of times, but then Cas stilled. “I’m here, Dean. Take your time, feel what you need to feel.”

Dean nodded one too many times as he brought his other hand up to feel the hard toned lines of Cas’ chest and shoulders. It felt so different and solid, making his own cock twitch. He fucking loved it, loved how a man felt under his touch and when he saw a bead of precome drip from Cas’ cock he touched it, sliding it around and then brought his finger to his tongue.

It drew the single hottest moan he’d ever heard from Cas’ lips. “How does it taste, Dean?”

“Better than mine.” He blushed at what he admitted and looked back down. “Can I take off my pants now?”

Cas chuckled, nodding and leaning in to kiss him quickly. “Please, or else I’m going to die from anticipation.” He moved over to the bed and climbed on, giving Dean space to breath.

Dean took a breath and pulled down his pants and boxers in one go. He palmed himself and then looked at Cas, smiling when he saw the hungry look on his face as he stared at Dean’s cock.

“Come here.” Cas held out his arms, and when he got there Cas pulled him onto his lap without even attempting to drag his eyes away. Cas wrapped a thick, gorgeous hand around him and stroked once, finally looking up at Dean’s face. “You’ve always been beautiful, Dean. But this? This might be the best thing I’ve ever seen.”

Dean whimpered and closed his eyes. “Fuck, your hand feels so good.” It was nothing like the petite hands he’s felt on his cock before. Cas’ hand could hold most of his cock and Dean was  _ not _ small, in the slightest.

“Yeah?” Cas gripped him with both hands now, every inch of his length encased in huge, soft hands. Every stroke drew a moan from Dean, and Cas shifted underneath him. “Look at me, Dean.”

Dean opened his eyes and locked them with the most beautiful shade of blue he’s ever seen. “Castiel...” He whispered again, not able to form any words.

Dean could feel Cas’ cock twitch against his thigh as Cas tipped his head back at the sound of his own name. One of the hands disappeared and a moment later, their cocks were joined together and the tip of Cas’ caught against his own.

“Oh shit...” Dean’s eyes shot down as he watched their cocks rub together in Cas’ hand. He’d seen this is porn, but he never imagined it would feel so damn good.

“Fuck, Dean...” Cas thrust up slowly, exaggerating every centimeter of contact. “I’ve wanted this for so damn long. Wanted  _ you, _ only you.”

“Jesus Castiel, I-” Dean’s body shuddered and he closed his eyes again. “Fuck, I’ve wanted you too. Every single day.”

Cas reached up and gripped the back of Dean’s neck, his hand twisting and moving much quicker now. He was breathing so heavily it didn’t seem like he was getting all of his words out, but Dean was honestly surprised he could talk at all. “I know you want -  _ fuck, _ I can’t -” 

Dean leaned in and kissed him but pulled away and groaned loudly as he began to come without warning. He looked down to watch and continued to thrust and come into Cas’ hand.

Cas’ eyes widened as he watched, and kept moving his hand until both their lengths were wet and hot and Cas was coming with a growl, painting his own body and holding Dean steady with a shaky hand. 

The movement ceased under him and Cas blinked slowly, panting and reaching up to brush his clean hand over Dean’s lip with a small smile playing across his face. “I had... intended on going a little slower than that.”

Dean blinked down at Cas as he tried to catch his breath. In true Dean fashion, all he could say was. “That was awesome.”

Cas smiled and looked down at the mess on his stomach and chest. “Yes, it was. Get up for a moment, I’m going to clean myself up a little and then I’m going to kiss every godsdamned inch of your body. Probably twice, maybe three times if you don’t force me to stop.”

“Okay.” Dean huffed a laugh and rolled onto his back, watching Cas’ every move. “I always wanted to try that, sorry I didn’t last long.” He blushed.

“Right, because I lasted  _ so _ much longer, right? A whole what, eight seconds?” Cas raised his eyebrow as he bent over to grab a towel and clean himself off. “Honestly, it’s a miracle I didn’t come all over you the second you touched me. And trust me, you’ll know when I’m not ready for you to come yet. I won’t be quiet about it.” He winked and climbed back onto the bed, leaning over and kissing a soft line down Dean’s leg.

“Would you... tell me not to come, Castiel?” He asked, much more into that than he thought he would be.

That earned him a gentle bite to the thigh, and Cas looked up at him through his lashes. “Yes, if we choose to continue this, there will come a time when I’m less... overeager.” He slid fully between Dean’s spread legs and rubbed the tip of his nose against his groin. “And when that happens, yes. I might instruct you to hold off until I’ve either had my fill, or I think you’ve truly earned it.”

Dean’s spent cock twitched. It laid heavy, but never fully went down. It was almost as if it  _ knew  _ Cas was close. “I still want to do the... other thing.” He ran a hand down his face completely forgetting about the cut and embarrassed himself even more.

“Mmm, you’re greedy. I like it.” Cas’ face disappeared fully between his thighs, and Dean’s entire body shuddered as he carded his hands in Cas’ permanent fucking sex hair. 

_ Castiel Novak is gonna be the death of me.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vad  
> [Wild, untamed, uncontrolled, unregulated]
> 
> Congratulations to all that have made it this far, you've survived the slow burn.
> 
> Mostly.


	13. Onsra

_ “Man… heats up like a lightbulb: red hot in the twinkling of an eye and cold again in a flash.” _

**\- Carlos Ruiz Zafon**

**Castiel**

He smiled as he nipped at the inside of Dean’s thigh. Finally,  _ finally…  _ he was going to get what he’d been dreaming about for months. It didn’t seem real, despite how solid and absolutely incredible Dean felt below him. 

Cas ghosted his breath over Dean’s once-again thickening cock. “Oh, you wanted it  _ now.” _ He chuckled; now that the initial frenzy was over, he was starting to gain his confidence back. He’d never,  _ ever  _ wanted anyone as badly as Dean, and even with one orgasm under their belts, Cas’ hands were still shaking with need. 

Dean shrugged. “Tonight, yes. Is two too many times for you? He grinned cockily, making Cas’ stomach flip. “How old are you again?”

“Very funny, Dean. But I was worried about  _ you…  _ not me.” Cas pushed himself up and leaned over, intentionally rutting his own hard cock against Dean’s waist as he grabbed the lube from the drawer by his bed. When he settled back into his previous position, he slicked his fingers and warmed up the liquid as his eyes traveled over Dean’s body. “Spread your legs for me, let me look at you.” 

That arrogant smile was quickly replaced by a gorgeous blush, but Dean didn’t hesitate to comply. He licked his lips and nodded, speaking the phrase that  _ always  _ hit Cas in his core. 

“Yes, Castiel.” 

It was all Cas could do to stay focused. He brushed the pad of his thumb over Dean’s tight, tight,  _ impossibly  _ tight hole and slicked the ring of it, locking eyes with Dean until he relaxed. “I take back what I said earlier.  _ This  _ is the best thing I’ve ever seen.”

“...Yeah?” 

He took careful note at the way Dean’s face lit up at the praise and calmed a little himself. If telling Dean how amazing he was would help, Cas was in luck. He was certain he could gush for hours about his freckles, his scars, the lines of his body… that  _ cock.  _ Cas was never one for bottoming, but the thing between Dean’s legs was enticing enough that he was seriously considering it, just once. Not to mention how obedient he was already, and Cas wasn’t even attempting to dom him. He wasn’t sure he  _ ever  _ would, given his own track record. 

“Yes, Dean. Honestly, I don’t understand how  _ anyone  _ functions around you. You’re breathtaking.” Cas slid one finger in, just the tip, and his perfect Dean barely batted an eye. 

“Is that why you refused to breathe around me when I moved in?” 

_ Shit.  _ The return of Dean’s smile had him pressing his finger in fully, and he couldn’t stop the blush on his own cheeks. “Oh, you noticed? And here I was, thinking I was being smooth.” He leaned down to kiss Dean as he began working his finger experimentally, mapping out the space he’d soon be consuming. Dean whimpered against his lips but opened for him, and as their tongues met, Cas was hit by the realization that no one would ever taste as sweet to him again. 

The sounds he was drawing from macho, manly Dean had him thick and leaking against Dean’s thigh, and he had to back up to stop even that little bit of friction. If he had any hope of lasting long enough to fuck Dean, he needed some space. 

He edged a second finger in as he swirled his tongue around Dean’s pointed nipple and then bit down gently, rolling the nub between his teeth and loving the way Dean squirmed because of it. 

“Ah,  _ fuck!” _ Dean arched his back and rocked down onto his fingers, and Cas licked a line over the melon-baller scar as he pressed in deeper. “Jesus... Castiel....  _ Please.” _

The word went straight to Cas’ cock and it pulsed against the air. He reminded himself this was Dean’s first time and he  _ had  _ to be careful… controlled. But as with everything else regarding Dean, that seemed like some sort of punishment. “I have my own plan right now, but for future warning... I will expect you to tell me what you want when you beg like that.” Cas bent down and used his tongue to pull Dean’s cock into his mouth, moaning as he began sucking slowly. Nothing could have prepared him for the way he tasted, or the way the thick member stretched his lips and he gave the underside an experimental flick just to see how he’d react. 

Dean twitched and swore under his breath, and Cas nudged his ring finger in as he opened his throat to take Dean all the way. It must have been too fast, because Dean clenched and let out a hiss. “Fuck… burns…” 

He pulled back completely and searched for the lost bottle of lube in the mess of blankets. Cas generously coated his fingers and took care to apply some directly at the source, using two fingers to press it in and massage the tight ring. “Is this okay? 

A half-frantic nod answered him. “Yeah, good. You can... um put the other one back in, I think the lube helped.” 

Satisfied, Cas continued working Dean open and began actively searching for Dean’s prostate, knowing Dean probably never tried this himself and had no idea what he was missing. There was so much lube involved now that Cas only knew he found it by Dean’s sudden reaction. He tensed, his hips bucking up against Cas. 

“The fuck? Oh…  _ shit.”  _

Cas made a concentrated effort to do it again and again as he once more took Dean’s cock into his mouth, just holding it there. Each time Dean jerked in response, he fucked further into Cas’ throat until he was gripping the sheets and practically screaming. 

“Fuck, Cas!” 

He bristled at the sound of his nickname. Unable to say anything, Cas glared at Dean, hoping the expression got his point across despite his current situation. He spread his fingers and moved them faster, pressing deeper and then suddenly pulled them almost all the way out.

Dean looked  _ and  _ sounded like a fucking needy mess. “Please, Castiel. I want you. Want you to fuck me.”

Cas' fingers retreated immediately and he was on his knees, his hands shaking and trying to grip the bottle long enough to squirt some on his cock and began fisting it quickly. “Fuck, put your... leg on my shoulder.” He hated the fact that he could barely get the words out, but this was  _ Dean. Dean  _ was begging to be fucked, and somehow, he’d been lucky enough to be the one Dean chose. This level of unfiltered need wasn’t something he was used to and he almost felt like he was letting Dean down by not being more dominant, or at least more in control, but he couldn’t help it. He was in love. 

“You sure?” 

Dean looked concerned, and Cas grabbed his thigh and lifted it, shouldering the weight and scooting closer as he lined himself up. His body was shaking with anticipation and nervousness, Dean had done beautifully with his fingers but a cock - especially one as thick as Cas’ - was an entirely different story. He flicked his eyes to Dean’s, and tilted his head to kiss his calf as he pressed forward so slowly he was barely moving. “Breathe for me, Dean. If you want me to stop, tell me.” 

“Nah, I…” Dean trailed off as the head of Cas’ cock breached his hole and his fists tightened in the sheets. “Oh, fuck!” Dean held his breath a second before forcing it out, and only then did Cas continue.

“So beautiful, Dean. You’re already taking me so well and I’m not even halfway in.” He peppered wet kisses over Dean’s thigh and bit gently as he slid in further. “So fucking tight,  _ fuck,  _ you feel so good…” Cas’ body was screaming to move faster, to fuck Dean into that mattress until they were both sated, empty messes but he forced himself to hold back in sheer determination to keep his promise. 

Dean moaned until Cas was fully seated and then whimpered, “So fucking full, Cas.” 

“Re… relax, for me, sweetheart. I’ve got you.” It had been so,  _ so  _ long since Cas had gotten laid that he nearly forgot what this felt like… having a perfect, beautiful ass swallow his cock whole and hold him there, fighting to keep him in as he tried to pull back out. “I’ve got you.” 

Dean moaned and moved his hips in a way that was so primally natural that Cas knew what he was going for, so Cas angled himself to find Dean’s prostate again. It took a few thrusts to get it right, but when he found his mark, Dean released the sheets and gripped Cas’ forearms. “Ah! That, there, what’s that?!”

“Remember when I told you that you should try men? That’s  _ why.”  _ Cas dropped Dean’s leg and fell forward to kiss him again, thrusting deeper and faster as his ability to control himself nearly disappeared. He shifted to brace himself on one shaky arm and stroked Dean’s leaking cock with the other.

“No shit!” Dean’s hands shook against Cas’ forearms. “Oh fuck, that’s good, so good.”

None of his fantasies could touch this. Not one was even in the same genre, let alone on the same page. Dean was so hot and tight around him that focusing on keeping his rhythm was nearly impossible, and  _ way  _ too quickly, he was dropping his head to Dean’s shoulder and breathing against his neck, “fuck, D. I’m so… cl…” 

Cas’ teeth latched on to Dean’s neck and he squeezed his cock, stroking him roughly as Dean’s legs wrapped tightly around his ass. The mere  _ thought  _ that Dean wanted Cas to come inside of him obliterated any chance he had of holding off for another moment, and he emptied - pulsing and grunting with short, erratic thrusts. 

Dean cried out Castiel’s name and dug his nails into his back as Cas filled him up with come. Cas inched out slowly, oversensitive and overwhelmed but still somehow fucking  _ hungry.  _ He looked down to see that Dean’s cock was still hard but he already looked completely fucked out, and Cas grinned almost dopily at him. “Guess I get the best of  _ all  _ the worlds tonight.” He maneuvered down until he was laying on his stomach between Dean’s legs and sucked him off messily, sliding two fingers back into Dean’s stretched out, come-filled hole. 

“Fuck, your mouth is... Oh, shit, Castiel, I  _ can’t...” _

Dean groaned like he was trying not to let go yet, and Cas took that as a challenge. He took Dean’s cock deep into his throat and hollowed out his cheeks as his fingers found the spot that makes him squirm. Within seconds, Dean was squeezing Cas’ head with his thighs and coming with a ragged, gorgeous gasp. 

He nearly choked on the massive load but managed to control it until he pulled back off and swallowed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and watching Dean for any signs of distress. Dean was flat out on the mattress, breathing heavily but looking more satisfied than Cas had ever seen him, even during the Horndog competition. Cas leaned down to kiss one of Dean’s scars and then laid next to him, wrapping an arm around him. 

“I’ll clean you up in a minute, I just…” 

Words were hard. He didn’t know how to explain the fact that he wanted to be close to Dean, wanted to feel his sweat against his cheek and hear his heart thundering through his chest until he convinced himself that this was actually real, and not some crazy, vivid dream as he so deeply feared. 

“S’okay, Cas. Me too.” Dean’s muscled arm wrapped around him and Cas closed his eyes, content for the first time in a very, very long while.

**Jimmy**

Jimmy and Ophelia had an amazing homecoming. They were still in the honeymoon stage so really... every day together was amazing, at least for Jimmy. He’d never in his life cared about a girl even remotely to this much, and he could feel she was just as smitten. 

A lot of people expected him to date a cheerleader, but he was happy he went with something different. She was smart, fun, sweet and sexy as hell. The sex was out of this world and after killing time in the car all night, they finally decided to turn in. They were almost always at her dorm but the dorms were loud in the mornings and they hoped to sleep in.

Jimmy unlocked the front door and they slipped inside. As he turned to lock it, Ophelia froze with wide eyes, and when Jimmy followed her gaze he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Fucking Dean, sneaking out of Cas’ room at 3AM! __

Jimmy was too angry to think, and he knew confronting them would just cause an argument he was just way too fucking exhausted to have. He stormed into his room and collapsed on the bed, wondering why the hell no one ever listened to him. 

“Maybe it isn’t what it seems?” Ophelia offered.

Jimmy scoffed. “What else would it be? He was only in boxers and sneaking out and fucking  _ limping. _ If it was nothing, why would he sneak?”

Ophelia climbed in bed and sighed. “I don’t know. Is it so bad?”

“I told you what happened last time. Soon, I won’t be able to even  _ talk  _ about football at home because Castiel will have fucked the whole team,” he whispered harshly. 

“That isn’t fair.” She said it firmly, making Jimmy glance over to read her face. “Don’t make it sound like he does this all the time. You can’t help who you fall for, Jim.”

“I know that, but that’s not the point.” He grabbed her hand.

She chuckled. “You think I’d date a jock if my heart didn’t have the steering wheel?”

“Just like I wouldn’t date a nerd.” He leaned in to kiss her, happy for the distraction - not that it lasted long. 

“But really, why does it bother you so much? Why can’t we just be happy for Cas?” 

Jimmy frowned. “For about a hundred reasons, but two in particular. Do you want the selfish or unselfish one first?” 

“How about the... unselfish one?” She ran her fingers through his hair and he leaned into the touch.

_ This one is easy. _ “Morningstar broke my brother’s heart. It was fucking awful and everything I know about Winchester tells me he ain’t any fucking different. Not to mention, he’s made it his life mission to prove to people he’s straight. Cas deserves better than to be jerked around and hidden.”

“I cannot argue with any of that, but maybe we give him a chance before we judge him. Coming out is hard. Tell me the selfish reason.”

_This one, not so much._ He could only tell a fraction of the story, because it wasn’t really his to tell. He was madder than hell at Cas, but some things you just kept to yourself. “Because the last time Cas got involved with one of my teammates, we lost on national fucking television. My brother didn’t change, and if Morningstar couldn’t handle him, Winchester sure as shit can’t.”

“I’m not going to pretend that makes sense. But it’s way too late to be going into all that. Let’s sleep on it okay?” She moved so she could lay on his chest. “Cas is strong, he’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah, well… it’s not really Cas that I’m worried about.”

~~~~

Jimmy slept about five hours before he made his way into the kitchen for coffee. Ophelia stayed in bed, and he looked around for something else he could bring her with the coffee so she could have a little breakfast in bed... but something he didn’t have to actually cook. 

He heard one of the bedroom doors open and looked over, his eyes landing on Dean.  _ Figures the fucker is running away.  _ “Where you off to on a hungover Sunday morning?”

Dean’s face reddened and he clenched his jaw. “Just need some damn air. Gonna hit the weights.” 

Jimmy muttered, “fucking figures” under his breath as Dean shut the front door. Not two minutes later, he heard another door. 

“Dean?” Cas came out, his entire face dropping when he saw Jimmy in fact, wasn’t Dean.

“Nope. Just your brother.”

“Hello Jimmy, sorry I-”

“You fuck him?” Jimmy asked straight up. 

Cas looked offended. “Excuse me?” 

“You heard me Castiel. Did you fuck him?” Jimmy forced himself to sound calm.

“And if I did?” Cas crossed his arms.

“I fucking knew it! I  told you it was a bad fucking idea, Cas. Now he ran out and he’s going to hurt you just like Jask did.”

“You don’t know that, Dean is  _ so _ different from Jaskier.” 

“Oh is he? So, he  _ didn’t _ fuck nineteen chicks in two weeks? If he’s so  _ different,  _ where is he, then?” A low blow, but not too far under the belt - it was a fact, and Cas needed to take off the damn blinders. 

“Screw you.” Cas went back to his room and slammed the door.

Jimmy stood there for a long moment, deciding if he wasn’t going to get anywhere with Cas, he’d just have to try to knock some sense into Dean… even if it meant hurting his brother. 

**Dean**

So, maybe Dean had a minor gay panic. 

He didn’t understand it at the time; when he’d woken up in Castiel’s bed in the middle of the night, he’d actually smiled at first. It wasn’t until he sat up that the realization slapped him in the face - or more accurately - his ass. It  _ hurt! _ He’d let Castiel fuck him. Castiel, a man, came in his ass. 

Dean had slipped out from Castiel’s grip and went straight into his room to hide. He couldn’t believe he’d actually done it, and couldn’t seem to figure out if that was a good thing or a really, really fucking horrible thing. The warring thoughts made sure he didn’t get much sleep, and he’d given up roughly when the sun came up. He had changed into his workout gear, packed his football bag, brushed his teeth and hoped he’d be able to sneak out - but fucking Jimmy had caught him and Dean could only imagine the conversation taking place between the twins right about now. 

He was grateful the gym was unlocked on Sundays, because he sure as hell wasn’t ready to face Cas. Even though he didn’t expect to run into too many people, he was sure he’d see at least a couple teammates - but even that was better than staying home. 

~~~~

The workout turned out to be a good idea. His ass was definitely still sore but by the time noon rolled around, the rest of his body was equally sore. 

“Hey there, Dean.” Garth approached him right after Dean finished his last set. “You been here a while.” He stated knowingly. 

“That obvious?” Dean took a drink of water and groaned. “You need a spotter?” He was stalling, sue him.

Garth looked around and grinned. “Go home to Castiel. Don’t worry about me.”

Dean’s face drained of color, it felt like someone had poured ice water directly onto his spine. “W-what?”

“I saw you guys under the bleachers at homecoming. I’ve never seen him so happy, even with Jask. I’m happy for ya’ll.” He slapped Dean’s shoulder and walked off.

_ Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! At least no one- _

“Winchester.”  _ Fucking Jimmy! Of all the fucking people! _

“Hey, Novak. I was just about to hit the showers.” Dean walked to his locker.

Jimmy was up his ass almost as thoroughly as his twin was. He crowded behind him when Dean reached the lockers and spoke in a hushed tone. “We need to talk, and unless you want the whole damn world to hear about your little  _ sexcapade _ last night, I suggest we go somewhere a little less echo-y.”

Dean frowned and looked around, cursing under his breath. He was too tired to get some fucking lecture from this dude but Benny had just walked in and unless he wanted his dirty laundry on display in the locker room, he didn’t have a damn choice. “Lead the way, Jimbo.” He motioned his hands dramatically and followed Jimmy outside until they were far enough away for comfort. 

Jimmy rounded on him, looking angry and tired. “Why’d you do it, huh? Haven’t you learned enough yet to stay away from him?”

“I dunno what you’re talking about man. I’m too tired for this shit.” Dean tried to walk around Jimmy, he didn’t have anywhere to go, but he didn’t wanna be here.

His path was blocked almost immediately. “God  _ dammit  _ Dean! Did you ever for a damn second stop to think that there was a reason Cas was alone?”

Dean shoved him back slightly. “Back up Jimmy. Mind your own damn business!”

“This  _ is  _ my business, Dean! He’s my brother, you’re my roommate and this is my team!” Jimmy didn’t shove him back, but also didn’t move out of his way. “Will you get your head out of your ass for five seconds and fucking listen to me? I don’t give a shit which way your door swings, Winchester, that’s  _ not  _ what this is about.”

Dean blushed at the ‘door’ comment and looked around to make sure they were alone. “Then what is it about?! Why do you care?”

Jimmy looked like he was struggling internally for a moment and then screwed up his face. “The last time a football player got involved with Cas, we lost the damn Sugar Bowl. I know he likes to pretend like he’s some victim here, but Morningstar wasn’t wrong. Cas cost us that game, and the absolute  _ only  _ reason he didn’t get his ass handed to him for it was because Morningstar would rather look like an asshole than admit how it really went down. Cas sucks people in, man. He’s my brother and god help me, I love him, but he sucks people in, makes them do stupid shit and we lose championships over it. I told him to stay away from you from day numero uno, because  _ you  _ can’t afford to get distracted.”

Dean stared at him a moment. He wasn’t distracting... or was he? Dean did find himself looking for Cas in the stands way too often, maybe he’d missed a couple tackles and multiple pick six opportunities, but that wasn’t Cas’ fault. He was just being himself. It was Dean that didn’t know how to stop thinking about him or looking for him. He didn’t want to be the reason they didn’t go all the way this year. Dean had to get his shit in order before he could  _ ever  _ consider whatever was going on with Cas, but he wasn’t about to tell Jimmy that - especially not if he wanted to be a dick about it. But one thing had been nagging him since that night Jask tried to throw up on him. “How’d Cas cost you the game? I thought that was just bullshit Morningstar said.” 

"I'm sure you've worked out by now that my brother has a particular...  _ style... _ in the bedroom, yeah? Please, for the love of fuck don't make me say it out loud. I wouldn't even be telling you this, but clearly you're not gonna fucking  _ hear  _ me until I do." Jimmy paused and his whole body shook as he made a disgusted sound. "Alright, I'm only gonna say this shit once and if you tell either of them I told you this, I'll put ghost chili powder in your fuckin' jock strap. Got it?" Dean looked horrified for a moment and nodded, so Jimmy continued. "The night before the Bowl game, Cas came with us to New Orleans. Me, him and Morningstar decided to get a cabin instead of bunking in the hotel with everyone else, and just didn't tell anyone. We waited til Coach did the headcount and then snuck out. We weren't drinking or anything, but we were up late talking about the game and then Cas insisted Jask go to bed, which I thought was a great idea. Well, next thing I know, it's morning and our star quarterback was walking out of their room cradling his damn throwing arm. I asked him what the hell happened to him and he shrugged it off, said it was nothing and left to go back to the hotel before Coach came to get us all. Naturally, I went to ask the guy sleeping with him what had happened because if Coach found out we didn't stay in the hotel and his golden boy got hurt because of it, he was gonna be pissed. I saw something I'll never unsee the rest of my goddamn life. My innocent, sweet, gay little brother was holding leather fucking restraints and looking like someone just told him Return of the King was a lie and Frodo never made it to Mordor. I didn't ask for the fucking details, all I know is that he did some BDSM shit and Morningstar couldn't throw to save his life. He threw four picks that game before Coach finally benched his ass, and our backup sucks so bad I don't even remember his name. We got an honest fucking shot at it again this year, and brother or not, I'll be  _ damned  _ if I let another one of my teammates get hurt because he can't just fuck someone like a normal person." 

Jimmy's face was redder than their Hunters jerseys by the time he finished, and Dean was still just as confused as before. “Okay...” He imagined Cas hurting Jask on purpose and it really didn’t seem like something he would do. It had to have been an accident. But why would he ever use those before a game? Dean ran a hand down his face. “I know I’ve been fucking up a little, but it isn’t his fault. I’m the one that can’t focus and I- I don’t know how to fix it.”

He seemed to relax, like he’d expected more of a fight and was glad it was over. “Stay away from him. Fuck someone else. I don’t give a shit if you get yourself a girlfriend, boyfriend, or a damn sex doll... just as long as it’s not Cas. You’re good at fucking other people, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. It’s not like it’s serious anyway, right? Not like you two are in love.”

Dean frowned and stood up straighter; he felt defensive, but what could he really defend? There was no way Cas was in love with him.  _ Love. _ What even is that? “Whatever, Novak. Loud and clear.”

Jimmy’s entire demeanor lightened and he grinned as he smacked Dean’s shoulder. “Good, can’t exactly have Thunder without Lightning, can we?” 

“Shut up,  _ Thunder.” _ Dean smiled, although it didn’t reach his eyes.

Jimmy turned to jog away and Dean just felt melancholy. He had actually considered going for it with Castiel and by doing that, he could have easily ruined the season for his entire team. He had selfish moments, but he wasn’t a selfish person. Dean needed to put the team first. 

He made his way back to his locker and grabbed his bag. “You alright, brotha?” Benny asked, his own bag slumped over his shoulder.

Dean sighed and closed the locker. “Not really.”

Benny clasped his shoulder. “My door is open, I have brisket in the slow cooker, and cold beer in the fridge.”

“Awe just for me?” Dean teased, shoving him slightly. “You mind if I crash a few days? I’m kind of avoiding my house… or, the Novak’s house.” He looked down, thinking about the fact that  _ he _ didn’t really have a home. 

“Course, brotha. Just do your own damn dishes.” He nodded towards the exit and led the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onsra;  
> [The bittersweet feeling that love won’t last]


	14. La Douleur Exquise

_“But in the end it’s only a passing thing, this shadow; even darkness must pass.”_

\- Samwise Gamgee

**Castiel**

When Cas had woken up without Dean a few days ago, he hadn’t thought he was waking up…  _ without Dean.  _ No matter how many times he ran the events of the night through his head, he couldn’t pinpoint where he’d gone wrong enough for Dean to suddenly act like he didn’t exist. Sure, it could have been better. Maybe he could have been more controlled, been a little more open about how he felt toward Dean as a  _ person  _ and not just his ridiculously hot body, maybe a little less...  _ Cas. _

But Dean had been gone, and one short exchange with Jimmy had him wondering if he’d crossed some invisible boundary despite Dean telling him over and over again that he wanted it as badly as Cas had. 

At first, Cas chalked it up to gay panic. That was Dean’s first time messing around with a guy, and they’d gone all the way. Cas had been selfish, perhaps he’d taken too much from Dean for a first time. Maybe he took more than he would have  _ ever  _ been truthfully willing to give. 

Dean didn’t come home on Sunday. 

Cas checked his room a hundred times, jerked every time he heard movement - even texted him once to ask what he wanted for dinner. 

He didn’t get a response. 

Sunday night, he laid awake waiting to hear the groan of the front door, but it never happened. He stopped home between classes and his Grimoire huddle, but still… no Dean, and no sign of him, either. 

Monday night went pretty much the same. He tried to focus on his  _ Human Physiology  _ essay, but the words wouldn’t come, and he’d also given up entirely on trying to write up the article about the Homecoming game. It seemed like a lifetime ago, even though it was only a couple of days. 

He’d nearly attacked Jimmy when he came home from practice that night asking him if Dean was okay. They’d only lived together for five months, but he already knew it wasn’t like him to not come home. 

“He’s fine,” Jimmy had answered. “Went to Benny’s for a couple of days, he didn’t tell me this, but I think he’s planning on moving in with him.” 

The thought of not seeing Dean at all hurt far worse than the thought of not being able to hold him. Cas had thought they’d still be friends even if Dean didn’t want to be with him, and the mere idea of not having him at all…

He didn’t sleep Monday, either. Tuesday was a little better, but he was starting to avoid everyone else as effectively as Dean was avoiding him. When he got home from his  _ Introduction to Clinical Care  _ class on Wednesday, the smell of Dean’s cologne was once again gracing the air in the house. Cas’ heart hammered in his chest as he dropped his bags in the entryway and bolted to Dean’s door, practically body-slamming the thing in an effort to get inside and just  _ talk  _ to him. 

But Dean wasn’t there. A quick glance in the fridge showed him that Dean had taken the stack of tupperware filled with leftovers that Cas had made for him, but that was it. 

Dean didn’t want him. Dean didn’t want to look at him, or speak to him, or even be in the same room with him, much less actually  _ be  _ with him. But  _ why?  _ Why couldn’t he just tell Cas he wasn’t interested, tell him that the sex wasn’t that great or he doesn’t like the way Cas’ hair looks in the morning or the way he knows stupid facts that no one else cares about. 

_ You’re always going to be the weird kid, Castiel. Jask knew it, he just didn’t care because he never gave a shit about your personality, it was always sex with him. But now Dean knows it too, and apparently the sex wasn’t enough to keep him around.  _

By Thursday morning, Cas looked like he was homeless. He’d let his beard grow out beyond his usual five o’clock shadow, and one thing all the Novak’s had in common was their ability to grow facial hair like they were fucking Chia pets. He scratched at the somewhat patchy thing and stared into the bathroom mirror, noting the bags under his eyes and the paleness in his cheeks. Somehow, it seemed too drastic for just four days… but he often carried the signs of stress physically rather than mentally. 

He suffered through his only class of the day and then forced himself to go to work at the student center. His feet were dragging as he walked in, and Charlie immediately noticed. He hadn’t seen her at all since he’d left early from Homecoming, and the prospect of having to explain any of what had happened to her was nearly enough to overwhelm him. 

“Cas? Are you okay?” 

_ No, not even a little bit.  _ He tried to remind himself that him and Dean weren’t together, and that it had only been a couple of days. There was likely a perfectly innocent explanation as to why Dean ran away, and that if things were supposed to work out between them, they would. But even as he said those things to himself, he knew they weren’t true. If there was an innocent explanation, Dean would have texted or called by then, and Cas definitely never believed in fate before so it seemed disingenuous of him to start now. 

“I got what I wanted and it blew up in my face. No, I don’t remotely understand how, so please don’t ask me for details.” He busied himself cleaning up the mess from the afternoon and Charlie followed close behind him. 

“Wait, did you -- did you guys -  _ Cas. Ti. El!”  _

Cas rounded on her, fury flashing in his eyes before he could stop it. “My name is  _ Cas.”  _ Even the broken up syllables uttered by a female friend were too much of a reminder what he was losing. He hated himself for it and immediately tried to apologize, but she waved him off. 

“Just… tell me one thing. Have you tried to talk to him?” 

His face crumpled. “He’s avoiding me. He hasn’t come home since we…” He cleared his throat and looked at the ground. “He’s with Benny.” 

Charlie looked confused. “Not right now, he’s not. Benny’s over there.” She pointed over his shoulder, and sure enough, when Cas turned he saw Benny sprawled out on one of the couches in the common area. 

Cas’ feet carried him over there before his brain could convince them to stop. “Where’s Dean?” 

Benny squinted at him and sat forward, eyeing Cas like he could squash him like a bug. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I think he went home to grab some things. Run along now, Cas. You’re barkin’ up the wrong damn tree if you’re tyna get your hooks into me, too.” 

There would probably come a time when Cas would think back on that and wonder what the hell it was supposed to mean, but he had other plans. One look at Charlie told him she’d cover for him, and she was quite literally waving him out the door as he flew out the door without even bothering to take his apron off. 

He was out of breath and nervous as hell when he slowed to a stop at the front door, but the Impala was in the driveway which meant finally -  _ finally -  _ he was going to get some answers. Cas remained doubled over for several moments and wondered why the hell he didn’t run more often like he used to, but the second he got his oxygen levels under control, he pushed open the door. 

Dean was there. Once again, he was sneaking out but he couldn’t sneak by today. He looked delicious in his red basketball shorts and a white shirt, and the idiot was stuffing his face as usual with the food that Cas had left behind for him. 

The deer in the headlights look would have been adorable if it weren’t for the dark circles under his eyes that mirrored Cas’ own and the scruff on his face. He liked it, even found himself wanting to know how it felt against his skin… but Dean was always so clean-shaven that it’s very presence worried Cas. It was almost enough to make him forget how angry he was at Dean...  _ almost. _

Now that he actually had him, he didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to say.  _ Why’d you leave? Why didn’t you come back? Which one of the awful things about me was the dealbreaker for you, asking for a friend?  _ “Um… hello, Dean.” 

“H-hey, Cas.” 

“Back to using my nickname, huh?” Cas took a step forward, closing the door behind him and standing in front of it so Dean couldn’t bolt. He eyed the container in Dean’s hand. “Too good to talk to me, but not too good for my meatloaf?” Cas was stalling, and he knew he was, but he was feeling too many things to focus on just one. Anger, sadness, indignance… the list went on. 

Dean shrugged. “I lo- your cooking is good. I was going to return the container.”

The sadness was definitely winning. "You shouldn't need to return it at all. Why did you run, Dean? You live here, you don't have to stay at Benny's."

“Because Cas. I can’t be...” He stood there like he was battling some internal struggle. “It isn’t you, okay? You’re... fucking perfect. I just can’t... you deserve better.”

Something loosened in Cas' chest. That was something he could work with. "You don't get to decide what I deserve, Dean. And I don't care what you think, I want you. I have since the day you moved in, and nothing is going to change that. Now just... come here." He moved toward the couch and motioned for Dean to join him. "Come sit with me, we can figure this out."

“No. I have to go.” Dean started towards the door, and Cas hurried to catch him, lightly grabbing his arm. 

“Dean, stop! Please, just… tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it!” He knew he looked  _ and  _ sounded desperate, but he couldn’t let Dean leave again, not until they fixed whatever the hell was going on. “We can go slower, we can -” 

For a split second, Dean looked like he was in pain. But as quick as he showed it, it was gone. “Dammit Cas. This is what I mean. I have practice right now and I’m here. I can’t be getting distracted, we’re undefeated.”

The word hit Cas like an ice bath and he recoiled as fully as if Dean had physically struck him.  _ Distraction. That's all you were to Jaskier, and that's all you are to Dean. _ He took a step back, turning away from him and attempting to keep his voice as steady as possible. "I see. Well, thank you for your honesty, Dean. I never meant to distract you, and I can assure you it won't happen again."

Dean hesitated, and then walked out the door without looking back. 

~~~~

In the days that followed, Cas felt Dean’s absence the way one would feel shock when licking a battery. It coursed through him, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Dean deserved his Lightning nickname. 

He stood in front of his closet the morning of the following game. It was away, but the school they were playing was only a few hours from them and Charlie had offered to drive him. He still didn’t have any Hunters gear other than Dean’s jersey, and he briefly considered wearing it just out of spite - but he reminded himself that Dean didn’t want to be distracted. Dean had given him a gift by allowing him to be the one to express himself with, and the least that Cas could do to return the favor was respect his wishes. 

Even still, he allowed himself a moment where he pulled the jersey from the plastic hanger and held it tight to his chest, breathing deeply enough that he hoped to catch Dean’s scent. But even in the week that he’d had it, the traces of Dean had faded as thoroughly from that jersey as they had the rest of the house. It felt… hollow. 

Charlie didn’t try to cheer him up, which was out of character for her but Cas assumed she knew nothing would help. She was on some kind of k-pop kick and Cas nearly always complained about it, so he was grateful for the silence as they made the trip to Aberdeen. 

The Riverhawks’ stadium wasn’t quite as big as the Hunters’, but it was large enough that once they got in, it was hard to find a spot near the front. Cas’ instinct was to hide somewhere in the stands where he wouldn’t be seen, but he had to write that damn article and if he missed a crucial play, he’d be forced to ask a player how it went. Jimmy was barely talking to him, after Cas had told him to screw off things had been tense, but Cas hadn’t expected it to last the week. 

They managed to find a spot near their own sideline thanks to Cas’ press pass, and while it was a little too close for comfort, at least he could be sure he’d be able to do his job. 

The game kicked off with one of the Riverhawks executing an impressive return, but from that point forward… it was all Hunters. Cas had never seen  _ any  _ of them play so well, and by the time the marching band took the field for halftime, the game was almost boring in its predictability. He slid headphones in as the third quarter kicked off, listening to the live broadcast of the game on a radio app in order to keep his eyes off the field - and the way Dean’s ass looked when he fell into that cocky defensive stance - as much as possible while still getting what he needed to take notes. It became clear pretty quickly that the two announcers weren’t making it a secret at all which side they were rooting for. On and on it went: 

_ “Morningstar to #87 John Ross for a 19 yard gain.”  _

_ “Trenton takes the ball across the 22 yard line and nearly breaks the tackle.” _

_ “What a block! Morningstar sneaks up the middle for  _ **_another_ ** _ Hunters touchdown!” _

_ “Uh-oh, Riverhawks’ QB Williams is dropping back… he’s found a man - tipped off the hands of #29 and it’s -- INTERCEPTED! #24 Dean Winchester comes down with the steal. Wow, where did he even come from? Like a flash of lightning, he continues to earn that nickname. And what a dangerous duo those two make, huh? Novak and Winchester, the dream team!” _

It was sheer force of will that kept him from ripping out his earbuds and stomping on them until no tech in the world could put them back together. 

_ “Those are the two that folks are calling the HellStorm now, right Alex? Thunder and Lightning, the best thing to happen to a college-level secondary since Charles Woodson.”  _

_ “There’s the two minute warning folks, and you know what that means! I don’t know who these boys paid off to play their song at another stadium, but it looks like HellStorm is giving us a show!”  _

Cas looked up at the field as  _ Thunder  _ started blaring through the stadium’s speakers, and Dean and Jimmy were on display on the jumbotron. They hadn’t wasted any time in figuring out how to show off, it seemed… they were dancing around each other like assholes and when the heavy, stomping drum beats kicked in, they smacked each other’s hands and knocked their helmets together. 

Honestly, they looked like they were having a blast, and Cas was sitting on the sidelines wishing he could just disappear. 

Charlie nudged him. “Hey, you don’t need to watch this, they’re not even playing yet.” 

Cas nodded without really thinking about it. “No, it’s good. I may have lost them both, but if getting rid of me was what they needed to finally stop fighting with each other, then… I’m glad. Look at them, Charlie. They’re happy, and they’re  _ winning.  _ I don’t get to be selfish about this.” 

She reached over and grabbed his notebook. “Yes, you do. Go, I’ll take the notes for the last two minutes, I’ll meet you back at the car.” 

He didn’t need to be told a third time. Cas took one last look at the jumbotron as they pointed to each other when Imagine Dragons sang their nicknames and took off toward the car, wondering if it would be far enough away to drown out the crowd. 

~~~~

Cas didn’t have time to cook a decent meal, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t matter anyway. Even on the nights when Dean had been showing up for dinner, he was always later after away games. He had to hope that Dean wouldn’t break that particular tradition, especially now that Cas had finally managed to convince himself he’d survive just being Dean’s friend. If Jimmy and Dean really were getting along better, that coupled with the Hunters’ still undefeated record was enough. And surely he wouldn’t be distracting Dean by being his friend, right? 

He knew he had about an hour before Dean’s usual return time, so he double-checked he had everything he needed and started making chicken enchiladas. It occurred to him that maybe he should  _ tell  _ Dean that he was okay with just being friends, so once he got dinner underway he pulled out his phone. 

**C: Great game! I’m making chicken enchiladas as a peace offering, I’d really like to still be your friend. I promise, I won’t overstep my bounds again. It’ll be ready in about a half an hour.**

He nearly talked himself out of sending it a dozen times, but ultimately hit send and then bit the hell out of his thumbnail as he waited for an answer he wasn’t even sure would be coming. He sent a text to Jimmy as well with a picture of the stove and an invitation just to distract himself. When his phone buzzed, he swiped it off the counter so quickly his fingertips slammed against the marble. 

**D: Sorry Cas, something came up. Raincheck?**

The lack of surprise did nothing to dull the ache in his chest. 

**C: Oh… of course we can. Have a good night, Dean.**

Almost immediately, a similar text came in from Jimmy telling him he would be eating at Ophelia’s - he was apparently meeting her parents that night. 

He let the chicken burn on purpose and threw the whole mess away. After all, what good was a meal for three if you’d be eating alone? 

**Dean**

The fact that the team did so well should have had Dean on cloud nine, but he wasn’t. He couldn’t stop thinking about Cas. When he was on the field, he forced himself to take it minute by minute, quarter by quarter and pushed every thought that wasn’t football out of his mind but the second the game was done, he was looking for Cas. 

He had already seen Cas wasn’t wearing his jersey - he didn’t know if he should feel better or worse about that - but the fact that Cas didn’t even finish the game hurt. 

After his shower, he saw Cas’ text and assumed it would be best to stay away. Garth had already asked if he wanted to grab take out so he wasn’t lying to Cas when he said something came up. But when he heard Jimmy tell Jask he was meeting his girlfriend’s parents that night Dean instantly pictured Castiel home alone and he couldn’t do that to him.

“Hey Garth. I actually gotta go home.”  _ Home... Is that still home? _

Garth smiled warmly. “That’s okay, Dean, I’ll jus-”

Dean held up his hand. “Maybe you can come? Cas is cooking enchiladas and Jimmy isn’t going to make it, I’m sure there will be enough.

“You sure?” Garth looked around. “You guys should really talk.”

Dean’s shoulders slumped. “I know. But I don’t know what to say right now but I… miss him. Please?”

Garth nodded and followed Dean to the car. He had been the only person Dean opened up to about everything. Benny had some theories but Dean couldn’t bring himself to confirm them. 

Dean trusted Garth and never once felt judged when he explained everything that happened, so he was happy Garth was open to dinner with Cas. After he parked, the kicker tried to convince him to talk to Cas again but Dean waved him off and got out of the car. The best approach was to try to be friends. Even though something in Dean’s chest ached at the word.

When he walked into the house, the Moody Blues were blaring and Cas was laying flat on the floor. Dean walked over to turn it down, and when he looked down at Cas, he noticed he was wearing his jersey. His brain nearly stopped working,  _ But why… Why now and not at the game?  _ “You’re wearing… but you weren’t at the… nevermind. Comfy?”

Cas narrowed his eyes and didn't move. "I was floor-napping. I thought something came up?"

“Floor what-ing?” Dean took a step forward and then paused. “Um, yeah, I made that something come with.” He motioned at Garth. “Couldn’t miss out on enchiladas.”

He was met with a grimace as Cas sat up. "Napping, Dean. Floor napping. It's what I call it when I..." He trailed off, gesturing to where he'd just been laying. "I don't actually sleep, but listening to music and laying on a hard surface helps... I don't know  _ what  _ it helps, all I know is that I feel better when I do it." Cas stood and straightened the jersey. "I'm afraid I'll be disappointing you about the enchiladas though, unless you'd like to eat the charred remains out of the trash can. I can start over, we should have enough ingredients left." 

Cas looked a little lost as he glanced between Dean and Garth and then headed toward the fridge, and Dean didn’t want Cas to have to go through all that trouble, so he spoke up. “Nah. I’ll order pizza. Garth, you better like meat.” 

Garth chuckled. "Maybe not as much as you two, but I'm certainly not a vegetarian. Sausage and pepperoni are fine with me." 

Dean rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone to order. “Want to... watch a movie, Cas?”

"Uhm..." Cas looked between them again like at least one of them had suddenly sprouted antlers. "Yes, we can watch a movie. This is still your home, after all."

“Pick one.” Dean hit the call button and went into his room. It took a moment to get through, and he ordered three large meat lovers pizzas and made his way back out. “What’d you pick?” He walked over to where Cas was kneeling.

He looked strained and had about 7 different cases spread out on the floor in front of him. "I  _ didn't. _ I don't know what you're in the mood for, and I didn't wa..." Cas trailed off and clenched his jaw, then passed over all the nerd shit and handed him  _ Friday Night Lights. _ "Is this okay?"

“Think we had enough football, no? How about we watch some hobbits?” Dean slid over the Lord of the Rings. “That was like... the first joke I ever heard you say.”  _ Why did I say that? It wasn’t even a damn joke. _

Cas relaxed and stood up, awkwardly tugging at the hemline of the jersey. "Right, I should... go change. I wasn't expecting you to come home." He blushed furiously and tried to turn, but Dean reached out and grabbed the oversized sleeve.

“No, no. Don’t. You don’t have to change. You look comfortable.” Dean let go and motioned for Cas to sit on the couch since Garth took the single recliner.

Even an idiot could see that Cas was struggling, but Dean didn't have a damn clue how to make it stop. Cas walked over and curled up on the very end of the couch after putting the movie in, and Garth smiled like a dork. 

"I think  _ Fellowship  _ is my favorite. The music at the beginning makes me happy." 

"Well," Cas said. "Howard Shore is a genius. But they're all my favorite, I'd never be able to choose just one."

Dean sat on the other end of the couch with his elbow on the arm and his hand on his head. He tuned out what Cas and Garth were talking about, hell, he hardly even heard the tv over the ringing in his ears.  _ How had this gone so fucking wrong? _ Cas was the best friend he’d ever had and now he could hardly look at him. He never meant to hurt Cas. That was why he ended it so early, to keep from hurting him. But as always, he blew it.

When the delivery guy knocked on the door, Cas nearly tripped trying to get to it. He looked ridiculously adorable trying to carry the three huge boxes to the kitchen, so Dean got up to help him. Cas watched him closely as he approached and then glanced toward the living room to see that Garth was still well-occupied with the movie. He bit his bottom lip, looking confused. "Why'd you come back, Dean? I'm absolutely not complaining, but... I got the feeling you didn't want to see me anymore."

“Come on, Cas. Of course I don’t  _ not  _ wanna see you.”  _ Did that make sense? _ “I couldn’t break tradition.”  _ Or really, I couldn’t stand the thought of you eating alone. _

Cas smiled, though it didn't hold half the warmth Dean was used to seeing. "Good, but I warn you... if you try and eat that poor pizza the way that Jimmy does, I'm kicking you out."

“Damn, I just got home.” Dean shoved a huge bite in his mouth and smiled, before poking Cas right in his ribs, knowing he was ticklish.

He squeaked more than giggled, and then swatted Dean's hand away. "You're an idiot, you know that?" This time, the grin on his face was real.  _ There we go.  _ "Just take your damn pizza." Cas grabbed himself and Garth each a couple of slices and made his way back to the couch, sitting a little closer to the middle this time.

Dean sat closer too, leaving a mere inch between their knees. “Thirsty, Cas?” He offered. “Oh, and Garth? Want something to drink?” Both men shook their heads, which was good because Dean really didn't feel like moving again. 

The longer the movie went on, the more he felt Cas relax next to him. By the time they got to Balin's tomb, Cas was leaning against his shoulder. Nothing serious, just enough contact that they could feel it, and Dean slowly inched his hand over until their knuckles were touching, too. 

They stayed like that until the credits, and then Garth yawned loudly. "I do appreciate those extended editions, but I'm beat. You fellas mind if I head on home?" 

Cas shook his head but didn't move. "Of course not. Thank you for coming, and I promise that if I have a little warning next time... we'll have enchiladas instead of pizza." 

Garth smiled and waved to both of them. "I'll see you guys later. Dean, it's not a far walk, there's no need to drive me."

“Alright, be safe.” Dean got up and walked over to lock the door behind him. He stood there awkwardly for a second and knocked on the frame. “I’ll uh, clean the kitchen.” Dean walked over to put the leftover pizza in ziplocks and could feel Cas’ eyes following his progress.

“So, now what? Do you want to watch the second one?” 

“Maybe tomorrow. Kinda tired after that game. I showered in the locker room so I’m just going to head to bed. Goodnight, Castiel.”  _ Fuck! _ He slipped. 

Dean walked to his room as fast as he could, hoping to hide the blush. He couldn’t call him Castiel anymore. Dean felt like calling Cas that was a privilege and he lost that right when he snuck out that morning. 

He also felt like he didn’t have the right to feel so fucking sad. His chest hurt every single time he thought of Cas and he laid there for hours, staring at the ceiling and wondering if Cas fell asleep wearing his jersey. 

Dean had no clue what time it was but he couldn’t take it anymore.  _ They could just share a bed, right?  _ Friends did shit like that. He just  _ needed _ to smell Cas, be near him. No, he needed to fix this. Dean got up, opened his door quietly and walked over to Cas’ but the second his hand wrapped around the handle, he froze.  _ What the hell am I going to say? ‘Hey Cas, I know I’ve been a real dick but can I lay in bed with you so I can sniff your pillow?’ So fucking selfish!  _ Dean didn’t deserve that comfort, and he sure as fuck didn’t deserve Cas. 

He released the handle and leaned his forehead against the wood, his eyes squeezed shut. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered so low, he could hardly hear it himself and he took a shaky breath. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he cried but when he turned back to his room, he didn’t even make it inside the door before a single tear fell. Dean buried himself under his covers and succumbed to his sorrow. 

~~~~

Dean skipped Business class Monday morning for the first time. He said he didn’t feel well, but really, he just couldn’t find the energy to get out of bed. He wasn’t depressed… he was just… mentally drained. Unfortunately, Quantitative Reasoning was a class he couldn’t skip so he went, although he couldn’t repeat what he learned for a million dollars. Charlie was watching him too, which only made him more on edge. He considered her a friend, but he also knew she and Cas were close and it was obvious who’s  _ side  _ she was on.

Monday’s practice was  _ not  _ going Dean’s way. He couldn’t hold onto a ball to save his life. He ignored Jimmy’s “Come on, butterfingers.” And Cole’s “This is why you’re defense.” But when Jask walked over he was fucking done. “Fuck off Morningstar! I don’t need to hear it!” 

Jaskier smacked his shoulder pad, looking kinda pissed. “Watch your mouth with me, freshman. I’m your  _ captain. _ If you wanna get your head out of your ass for five minutes, I came over here to tell you that I get it, okay? Whatever is going on in your thick, Cali skull, I’ve been there. I may not know exactly what happened between you guys but I saw he wasn’t wearing your jersey last week, and I’m here if you need to talk your shit out so you can focus on the game. You’re not the only one that chose football over Castiel.”

Jask’s words made Dean realize exactly what he had done. He had told Cas he was a distraction just like fucking Jask did. He was no better, which is exactly why he - like Jask - didn’t deserve Cas. Dean didn’t even deserve him as a friend at this point. “Don’t fucking call him that.”

“You don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t call him, we were together longer than you’ve even been in the fucking state.” He took a step forward and pointed his stupid finger right in Dean’s face. “I knew him better than you  _ ever _ could.” 

Jask’s words fueled the rage inside Dean’s chest to the point of no return, and he shoved his quarterback with enough force to nearly knock him over. “Fuck you! You don’t know shit about him! He hates when you use his full name, so stop being a dick about it!”

Jimmy raced over and nearly tackled Morningstar right as he was coming after Dean. They struggled for a minute and when Jask pushed off of him and stomped away like he threw a pick-six. Jimmy turned to Dean, pulled his helmet off and shoved it at Dean’s chest. “What the fuck is wrong with you today? It ain’t that fucking serious, Winchester, play the goddamn game!”

Dean pushed Jimmy’s helmet away from him. “Ain’t that fucking serious?! Is that a fucking joke??” The coach ran over and grabbed Dean by the shoulder pad and pulled him off the field. “Run it off, freshman.” Dean pulled off his helmet, threw it on the sidelines and started running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> La Douleur Exquise  
> [The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have]
> 
> If you’re mad at me for all the angst, I posted a fluffy one-shot called ‘Awakening’. No angst. Promise.


	15. Lebensmüde

“ _For certain, you have to be lost to find a place as can’t be found. Elseways, everyone would know where it was.”_

\- Captain Hector Barbossa 

**Castiel**

It took a few days, but Castiel eventually began to function again. It wasn’t perfect, but it was something. 

He’d seen Dean’s shadow the night he’d brought Garth home for dinner. He’d seen the darkened patch of carpet, heard the choked-off sob, and had sat quietly as Dean retreated to his room without coming in. He’d been too confused to chase after him. Dean was sending him so many mixed signals that Cas was beginning to wonder if he was the only one with a twin, or if maybe Dean had just gone insane. 

  
Or, maybe it was him. It seemed more likely that _Cas_ had gone insane at some point in the last five months, and that Dean Winchester was just a very vivid figment of a broken mind - or at least an overactive imagination. 

Dean stopped staying at Benny’s as often. Things weren’t as tense as they had been before their pizza night, but it felt more like they were back to the stand-offish natures they’d adopted when Dean first moved in. 

He could live with that, even if he hated it. Silent exchanges of coffee cups where their fingers brush just a second too long, downcast eyes when they’d nearly run into each other heading to the bathroom, and dinners filled with talk of campus politics or the changing weather instead of the things they love. 

Those were the new normal, but it was better than not being near him at all. 

~~~~

The two weekends before Halloween had been Helltown’s bye week, so he was spared from the internal struggle of whether or not to wear the jersey. But now, they were playing at home again and he was standing in front of his closet. Dean’s reaction to him trying to take it off before they’d watched a movie had confused him more than comforted him… why did he care? Why would he want a man to wear his jersey, when it seemed impossible for Dean to even look said man in the eyes? If Castiel was such a _distraction…_

He could barely think the word anymore. It filled him with a self-hatred he wasn’t used to. Cas knew he was far from perfect, all humans were, but he was usually relatively comfortable with himself and his decisions. However, this was twice now that someone he’d given his heart to had chosen an organized sport over him. Once; he could pass off as Jaskier’s bitterness at losing. But twice? 

Cas was running late and he knew it. He should have been at Charlie’s nearly an hour ago to help her paint her face for the game and also help her plan the next LARP event, but he couldn’t move. He felt rooted to the spot, to indecision, to sheer fucking heartache by the presence of that godsdamned jersey. 

He heard the front door open and then voices trickled in through the crack under his door. Cas had no idea why Jimmy and Dean were home, or where they’d been, but it didn’t matter. He’d told Jimmy he was leaving for Charlie’s ages ago, so as long as he stayed quiet… he wouldn’t have to face either one of them. 

Part of him wanted to ask Dean if he should wear the jersey. Take the pressure off himself to decide and put it on the man that was causing all of this trouble, but he already knew that was a bad idea. No matter what answer Dean would give him, it would hurt. If he said yes, Cas would spend the rest of the day - and maybe the rest of his life, if he factored in the way his brain worked - wondering what it meant. If he said no, well… that one was pretty self-explanatory. 

He took it off the hanger and held it in his hands as he had a hundred times, but the sound of the voices coming closer made it hard to concentrate on his self-inflicted dilemma. If he had to guess, they were somewhere near the study table. 

“Fuck off, Jimbo. We’ve been cool since then, the Loreal freak has left me alone. It’s gonna be fine, we’re not even on the field together.”

_Jaskier? What the hell is Dean talking about?_ He moved closer to his bedroom door, taking care not to make any noise. 

“You’re both _breathing._ That seemed to be enough to start shit between you last time. You two are lucky that was just practice, but now it’s game time, and I don’t want to have to break up another fight between you guys.” 

He heard a familiar grunting sound from Dean, just a _huh_ sort of noise that signaled he thought whoever he was talking to was an idiot. 

“It wasn’t because we were breathin’, it was because he’s an asshole. He started sayin’ shit about Cas and I just… snapped.” 

If it was possible for Cas to focus more intently on them than he already had been… he did it. _Dean… stuck up for me?_

“You gave up the right to be pissed on my brother’s behalf when you chose to walk away, _Deano.”_

“Yeah, just like _you_ told me to! What the fuck, man? We’re gonna be late, can we just get this shit and go?” 

Cas heard a _thump_ and then Jimmy spoke again, quieter, causing Cas to have to silently drop down and listen through the crack. 

“Do you regret it? If you do, tell me now, or so help me, Winchester…” 

“No.” Dean’s voice was husky, but it sounded like he meant it. “I don’t, and even if I did, it wouldn’t matter. So football comes first… or, at least it would, if you’d help me get those goddamn water balloons we made to pay back those color bomb assholes so we can get to the game.” 

Cas didn’t hear much else. He didn’t need to, and certainly didn’t want to. Jimmy had told Dean to walk away from him, Dean had listened, and by his own admission didn’t regret it. He pulled his knees to his chest and leaned against the wall, staying there until the front door closed once more. 

Charlie called him then, twice… three times before he finally picked up. He talked to her for a moment, telling her about what he’d heard and that he wasn’t going to the game. Cas no longer wanted to see either of them, Grimoire be damned. 

He offered her $20 and the right to make him a peasant the next time they LARPed if she’d go take notes for him, and she agreed without hesitation. She was decent like that, she’d never force anyone to do something they didn’t want to do if it was within her power to stop it. She’d likely have agreed to do it without an incentive, but Cas hated taking advantage of people so he’d offered anyway. 

When he got off the phone with her, he pushed himself to his feet. He was restless, and despite the fact that he didn’t want to go to the game, he couldn’t stay in the house. Every inch of it reminded him of the two people that had betrayed him, so… he walked. 

Cas left the house on foot, leaving his keys, phone, and wallet behind. He did, however, have the wherewithal to grab a flashlight and a couple of granola bars before venturing out. He had no real destination in mind, he knew the town like the back of his hand and as long as he avoided the abandoned bus, he’d probably be fine. Ghost stories were just stories, after all. 

It was chilly, noticeably so for the first time that season. The leaves were brilliantly colored in their slow demise and the wind was friendlier than normal. It had a warmth to it that was rare for that time of year, which helped offset the cold. 

He walked and kept walking until the sounds of city life were far behind him. With each step, he retreated further into his own mind and inched unknowingly closer to his cave. 

Cas wasn’t altogether surprised when he came upon the entrance. It had always been his escape, always been the place he went when the world was too loud. And now… _everything_ was too loud. The fans at the stadium, the reminders of how easily he climbs and how devastatingly hard he falls, the echoes of his failures that sounded just like Jask and Dean. The problem was, the loudest thing of all… was his mind. 

He ventured a little deeper into the cave than he would have normally done, but what did it matter? There weren’t actual hellhounds here, though he thought for a fleeting second that the company might have been nice. 

_How fitting that I should willingly go to the Gates of Hell. If this wasn’t life imitating my tragic flaw, I don’t know what is. While I might not be in one of Shakespeare’s masterpieces, was this really so different? We are Venus and Adonis; he, the beautiful Hunter and I, the one too quick to fall in love. How on earth did I ever think he’d want me? I saw the parade of women, the way he used them and threw them away like they were playthings; focused only on the Hunt. I was nothing but another tally on that whiteboard, the only difference is… he refused to claim me the way that he did them. And now, I’m as lost in the wilderness as Venus herself. At least Dean will meet a better end than Adonis; killed by the very thing he vowed to hunt. How often the predators become the prey… but not Dean. He’s survived too much, overcome too many hardships. And in the end, didn’t I fall in love too soon? For Dean, it probably felt like minutes, and I was just the one he chose to explore with. But for me? It may as well have been a thousand lifetimes, an entire Age spent knowing him. My heart is cruel like that. I knew better, and yet I fell quite willingly into a trap I’d been caught in before._

He huffed, shaking his head and rubbing his face as he leaned against the cave wall. “This kind of overdramatic bullshit is why people think you’re weird.” _Weird_ echoed back at him over and over again, like the devil himself was mocking Castiel from whatever lied on the other side of his gate. 

_What_ **_was_ ** _at the belly of this cave? How deep did it really go?_ He pulled the flashlight out of his pocket and clicked it on, trying to shine it down into the depths. The light beam was swallowed up just a few feet in front of him though, and after a glance back at the distant mouth, he took a step. And another, and another. _Fuck it. No one’s coming to look for you anyway, no one even knows you come here but Dean and even if the game is already over, he’s probably got a thousand things to do that are better than looking for you… if he even notices you’re gone._

It wasn’t long before he heard that same guttural growl that had driven him and Dean from this cave the last time. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he briefly considered running, but he’d be lying to himself if he said the rush of adrenaline wasn’t a far, far better feeling than anything else he’d experienced in the last couple of weeks. Not to mention… he was a reporter. Sure, it was for a shitty school periodical, but still. He could already see the headline in his mind as he continued pressing forward: **_Helltown’s Greatest Mystery Solved: What_ ** **Really** **_Lies Beyond the Gates of Hell._ **Curiosity and a glaring disregard for self-preservation were now a more dangerous pair than HellStorm, and his hand was barely shaking at all as the measly beam of light fully replaced the natural light he’d had from the cave mouth. 

It was damp enough that Cas’ hair was sticking to his forehead, although he wasn’t sure if that was from the cave’s natural ecosystem or his own nervous sweat. He focused the flashlight above his head as he thought he heard skittering, but nothing immediately jumped out at him. _Surely there are insects or the like. Maybe a salamander…_

He took another step forward and his entire body jerked at the loud, reverberating _snap!_ pierced the silence around him. For a moment, Cas didn’t have a clue what the hell caused it - and then pain ricocheted through his body so forcefully that his cry got stuck in his throat. The flashlight clattered to the ground and went out with an exhausted flicker, and he was plummeted into complete and total darkness. 

Cas fell to the ground and desperately grabbed at his ankle, where he’d finally pinpointed the source of the immense, insane pain. _A fucking bear trap?!?!_

_The growling. The cave. The NO TRESPASSING sign that I’ve ignored every time I’ve come here. How fucking stupid of me to assume I’m the only one that’s ever come here, obviously -_

He cried out as a burning sensation like he’d never known worked its way up his calf. He could feel blood around the teeth, but not a lot of it… he was grateful his jeans were thick enough to absorb most of the damage. He couldn’t see a damn thing, but he took several deep, shuddering breaths until he was thinking clearer. He was miles from home with no cell phone and no car, and his godsdamned leg was stuck in a bear trap. If he was going to make it back to his bedroom alive - literally - he was going to have to think rationally. 

The pain dulled a lot quicker than he thought it would, which gave him the space to form a plan. His hands sought out the springs holding the jaws together and after pulling the collar of his jacket into his mouth to muffle his scream - _someone was obviously trying to catch something that lives in here, maybe the very something that’s been growling -_ he pressed as hard as he could on the springs. They slowly released enough that he pulled his leg free, and some useless fact from the back of his mind came forward to remind him not to release the springs too quickly. He did so, and then pressed his palms into the cold ground to scoot in the direction his flashlight had fallen. 

It took him several precious minutes to find it, the damn thing had somehow ended up about fifteen feet away from him. He smacked it until it flared back to life, and he braced himself before shining the light on his leg. 

His jeans were torn and definitely a little bloody, but it was less catastrophic than his dramatic mind had led him to believe it would be. He tested his leg’s functionality by putting a little weight on it without leaving his sitting position and it hurt, but he didn’t think it was broken. He stood, fisting his hand around his jeans to help pick up his leg as he slowly made his way back to the cave entrance. 

It took forever, and he had to stop more than once to take a breather. It wasn’t so much the pain anymore as it was the daunting task ahead of him and his unwillingness to actually walk like that the full six miles back home. 

_I’m an idiot. I should have just gone to the game, sucked it up… who cares if Jimmy and Dean didn’t want you to be happy? Maybe they were right. Dean would have plenty of time for relationships. He had NFL aspirations, he didn’t need to be getting distracted. And I’m overwhelming, I know that. I_ **_know_ ** _that. So why am I acting like such a child? This is what happens when I act like a child. I get hurt, just like all those times mom told me and Jimmy to stop trying to do flips from the trampoline into the pool. I thought I knew better then, too._

By the time the autumn leaves could be seen again, it was nearly dark. Cas was dirty, sweaty and bloody, but he was alive. 

Fate was apparently determined to test that theory, though, because Dean Winchester walked around the corner of the front cave and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Cas. “What the _fuck,_ Castiel?!” 

He flinched. Normally, he loved hearing his name come out of Dean’s mouth but this sounded a lot… angrier. 

“Seriously, Cas. We’ve been calling you for fucking hours, what the hell happened to you?” 

Cas shrunk into himself and shrugged his shoulder. “I went toward the growling.” 

“You went toward - _toward -_ the -” Dean’s eyes were wide in shocked irritation, and he took a step closer. “I knew you had a thing for spooky shit, I just didn’t think you’d be stupid enough to try to _become_ one of this town’s friggen ghost stories.” 

On one hand, Cas’ brain chose that moment to remind him that Dean’s presence meant the _Impala’s_ presence… and the Impala’s presence meant a ride home. It seemed such a silly thing to worry about given everything else, but he’d somehow ventured past the point of rationality now that the immediate danger was past. Or, maybe this _was_ his brain’s way of trying to _be_ rational in the face of the utterly ridiculous. On the other hand, though, Dean’s presence meant the knot in Cas’ chest had returned in full force, no longer being driven away by adrenaline. 

“I’m fine, Dean. It’s just a flesh wound.” 

“Okay, _Monty friggen Python,_ get your ass in the damn car. C’mon.” Angry or not, Dean slid his arm under Cas’ and wrapped Cas’ arm around his neck, bearing some of his weight as they moved back toward the car. 

“Did you win?” _Again, probably not the thing you should be focused on._

“Did we win? Who cares. Do you need to go to the hospital?” They reached the car and Dean leaned Cas against it, dropping down before him to check out his leg.

_Fuck, fuck fuck._ Cas felt a little bit like he was watching this scene unfold from somewhere else. Dean wasn’t actually kneeling in front of him while he was leaning against that gorgeous car... his mouth at the right level to... _Fuck._ He was absolutely right there, and Cas’ dick knew it. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back. Bringing up the thing that hurts him the most sounded like a great way to kill his boner before it got him in trouble. “I care. You left me so you could win football games, remember? I’d at least like to know it wasn’t for nothing.”

Dean frowned and stood up. “That isn’t how it was.” He opened the door for Cas to get in. “And yeah, we won.” He turned and walked to his side of the car.

It almost irritated him that Dean wasn't just owning what he did. So he didn't want Cas, why did he have to keep trying to say he didn't mean it like that? Obviously, he did, or Cas would be getting blown against the side of the car instead of getting into it. He sat down with his brows pinched and swung his leg inside, then shut the door. "Just take me home, I don't want to go to the hospital."

**Dean**

“Fine.” Dean started the car and put her in reverse, taking off towards home faster than normal. _How could he explain it to Cas without spilling every single detail?_ He couldn’t. So why try. 

They drove home in silence and Jimmy was gone as usual, so Dean helped Cas get to the bathroom and started unbuckling his pants without a second thought. “Let me help clean it.”

Cas sucked in a breath and grabbed Dean’s hands. “Look, you might be okay with what’s going on, but I’m not. I know you’re trying to help, and I appreciate it, but you touching me anywhere near there is just going to wake up... _parts_ of me that you don’t want to deal with. Go get me a pair of my shorts and then turn around, I’ll change on my own and then you can help me.”

“Castiel... wait...” Dean closed his eyes but kept a grip on Cas’ hands. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to do, so he stopped thinking and pulled Cas in. “I miss you.”

For a long moment, Cas didn’t react at all. Slowly, Cas’ arms wrapped around him and he buried his face in Dean’s neck as he whispered, “Then why did you leave?”

“I had to. I...” _Jimmy told me to. But how selfish would that be to come between brothers?_ “I think I just need some time, Cas.” Dean inhaled against Cas’ neck and pulled back, trying to hide the pain off his face. “You’re sweaty, but you smell good.”

Cas let out a surprised laugh and reached forward to grip the center of Dean’s t-shirt. “I’m filthy, but flattered.” He stared at his hand, and the rest of what Dean had said must have caught up to him so he let go and looked toward the sink, suddenly less amused. “Time. Right.” Cas looked like he’d heard that line a thousand times before, and didn’t expect this one to be any different. “The bandages are under the sink.”

“Okay.” Dean took a step back and grabbed them. “You still need to take off your pants, Castiel.” He knew he should call him Cas, but here, alone. It just felt so wrong.

He seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then he set his jaw and slowly worked his pants off. Cas stood as tall as he could with a bum leg, like he was somehow expecting both of them to ignore the bulge in his boxers. “I have to say, when I imagined you getting me out of my pants again... this wasn’t what I had in mind.”

Dean smiled at that and his eyes dropped to Cas’ bulge. “Fuck...” He whispered and pushed his palm against his own hardening cock and he shook his head. “Bandages, right.” Dean kneeled down again and lifted Cas’ leg onto his knee, slowly wiping it down.

“It’s funny, I keep getting called a distraction, when really it’s you. I can’t even focus on the pain with you touching me like that.”

_And I can’t even fucking breathe around you._ “Yeah, well good then. I don’t want you hurting.” Dean leaned in and blew on a cut.

Cas let out a barely audible moan and his leg twitched under Dean’s fingers. “Seems hypocritical of you, but I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless.”

Dean frowned and set his leg down gently. “I would never intentionally hurt you. That was why I had to walk away, before we...” _Fell in love._ Dean stood up and walked over to wash his hands before leaning against the sink. _If this wasn’t love, what the hell was it?_

“No, Dean. You walked away before _you_ got hurt, no one bothered to ask what I wanted or how I was feeling. Not you, or... Jimmy.” Cas got quiet toward the end there, like he was admitting something he wasn’t supposed to.

“Did he... never mind.” Dean walked closer to the door and paused. “If I left before _I_ got hurt, then why does it feel like there is twenty extra pounds on my chest every time I see you?”

Cas' arm stretched out like he wanted to pull Dean back in, but there was too much space now and it dropped back to his side. "Frankly? It's probably guilt. It'll pass, Dean. If you won't take my word for it, just ask Jaskier. _His_ certainly did." 

Maybe it was irrational but that comment pissed Dean off. He knocked a few things off the counter and walked out of the bathroom. _That’s all you’ll ever be to him, Jask 2.0._

“Did you know that in Alaska, people compete to be crowned King or Queen of an outhouse?” 

Dean turned his head to look at Cas, who was leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom and looking back into it. “It’s called the Fur Rondy Festival, where teams build outhouses on skies and race down a track.” He paused, and then gingerly turned to face Dean. “I don’t know what made me remember that, but I remember thinking when I learned about it that people do incredibly stupid things for entirely no reason at all, so... I’m just going to ask. Did you have a reason, Dean? Beyond Jimmy, beyond anything else you’ve tried to say. I know it’s not the truth, because if it was, you wouldn’t have such a hard time accepting it. Do you have a reason? I just need a yes or a no.”

Dean’s breath caught in his throat and his feet carried him over towards Cas. He reached out and ran the back of his hand across his scruff. “Yes.”

Cas’ eyes closed and he leaned into the touch. “Then I’ll respect it, whatever it is. Just... one more time. Kiss me one more time, and I’ll stop.”

Dean took two more steps in so Cas was backed against the open door. “Yes, Castiel.” He leaned in and kissed him, a small whimper escaping as he parted his lips to deepen it. It felt so fucking right he almost couldn’t remember why this couldn’t work... until he did. Dean pulled away and the kiss ended just as fast as it started. “I’m sorry.” He stared into the most beautiful eyes in the world. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. You have to let me go, you deserve more, don’t wait for me.” He turned to leave the bathroom, and felt Cas’ fingertips grazing along the back of his arm as he tried to reach out. 

“Dean, wait! Please!” 

His voice was ragged, but Dean was already halfway gone. He made it to his bedroom and closed the door behind him, leaning against it and tipping his head back. 

Dean sunk down and pulled his knees to his chest. If this was so right for the team, why did it feel so incredibly fucking wrong? He had a moment of weakness, where he considered dropping football altogether and being with Cas. Because that is what Castiel deserves. But that thought was gone in an instant, he couldn’t, and that is exactly why he didn’t deserve Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lebensmüde  
> [Life-tiredness resulting in a general disregard for one’s own safety]
> 
> Halfway there, folks.


	16. Desiderium

_“I believe I am in Hell, therefore I am.”_

\- Arthur Rimbaud

  
  


**Dean**

Dean didn’t understand why he always did shit to make his life harder, but go figure it was always a shit show. He’d never had good luck with relationships and even when he thought back to his very first girlfriend, he should have known he would ruin their friendship. 

Her name was Jo. They were inseparable from Kindergarten to Junior High and everyone expected them to get together one day anyway, making Dean feel obliged to try. Even then he knew what he was sexually attracted to, and it wasn’t her growing boobs. But _fake it till you make it,_ had always been Dean’s motto and he knew how his dad would have reacted to him saying he’d rather date his friend Aaron instead. He and Jo never had sex or, anything really beyond kissing, but Dean managed to ruin it all the same. 

In all his _experience,_ he’d never felt anything remotely close to what he felt with Castiel. 

Castiel was everything Dean could have ever wanted, and more. He invaded every single one of Dean’s senses and rewired his entire being. The pain of being across the hall from him was so great that Dean had begun looking into dorm living. If Cas was over there feeling half of what Dean was feeling, then all staying here would do is torture them both. 

Jimmy was just annoying. The fact that he thought he could just tell two people they weren’t _allowed_ to be together and then assume things would go back to normal made him angry but as much as he wanted to tell him to fuck off, he couldn’t. He actually did genuinely like the guy and they were a force on the field. But fuck, why did it have to be this way? 

Why couldn’t Dean date Cas and be a good football player? He wasn’t even playing bad when he and Cas were… whatever they were. So, why did Jimmy feel the need to insert himself in their shit?

“Are you sure you want to do this, man?” Garth pointed at Dean’s laptop screen, where he was filling out the dorms application.

Dean sighed and pushed it away. “No. I mean I know it’s for the best. But fuck, I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to hurt him anymore, Garth.” 

“You two are really in love.” He smiled like he truly believed everything would be okay.

“Love? Like Castiel would ever _actually_ love someone like me. I’m everything he hates.” 

“You’re an idiot, but you’re not everything he hates.” 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Good talk, buddy.” 

Garth laughed. “Look, I think he wants you to stop taking decisions from him, but he definitely loves you.”

“Taking decisions from him? How have I eve-”

Garth shushed him.“You decided he deserved better than you, you’re now deciding it’s best if you just up and move. How about you go talk to him and see how moving would make him feel?” 

Dean closed his laptop and rolled his eyes again, because Garth made too much damn sense. “Alright, then. I will. After Halloween though, I don’t want to ruin this for him, he loves this kinda shit.” Garth did a nerdy little smile and knew better than to pry more.

Dean walked home from Garth’s dorm as soon as his girlfriend showed up. They tried to convince him to go to dinner but he didn’t want to be the third wheel. He got trapped around _Jimphelia_ multiple times a week so he’s had more than his fill of couples cupcaking.

Cas was home, which was a little awkward when he walked in, but Dean could always feel that he was trying. Cas was so fucking strong, much stronger than him. Dean would rather hide in his room then look at Cas because it hurt and Cas would suffer through it all, just to have dinner or watch a movie, anything to keep the friendship. 

He made some spaghetti and Dean died a little inside every time he slurped up a noodle. How was a grown man so damn adorable? It had to be a crime. There was a point that Dean almost wiped some sauce off his chin but he was saved by the damn safety when Jimmy’s loud ass came through the door and teased Cas with a “Eat much?” joke and pointed at his chin. 

“You’re one to talk, should we talk about the hole in your lip every time you drink out of a damn water bottle?” Dean chimed in, he just couldn’t help it.

“No worries, Dean. I know all about it. He’s like a toddler, he can’t drink water _and_ walk.” Cas bit back a smile and chuckled to himself. 

“Glad you two are getting along just fine.” Jimmy deadpanned and joined them for dinner.

They didn’t talk about anything real after that, but all Dean could think about is how nothing was fucking _fine._

~~~~

“Please! I don’t have a clue what to be and I can’t ask Castiel.” Dean pleaded with Charlie. “You don’t have to do anything, just give me an idea.”

“Why can’t you ask, Cas?” She asked with her arms crossed.

Dean sighed. “You know why. Come on.” 

“No I don’t. You know he would help you, you know he wants to be friends. So why not be friends?”

“We _are_ friends. I just don’t want to run to him with every little thing and seem like I’m taking advantage of his kindness.” He hoped that made sense.

“Indiana Jones.” 

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Gosh, you really are clueless. You asked for an idea of what to dress as for Halloween, Dean. Indiana Jones.”

Dean smiled and stood straighter. “Oh yeah, I should be able to throw that together. Want to go shopping?” 

She hesitated and he knew it was because of Cas. “Never mind, Chuckles. It’s all good, I’ll figure it out.” He clasped her shoulder and offered a warm smile, letting her know it truly was okay. 

“No, no. Let’s go. You’re my friend too, I don’t want to be in the middle but I also don’t want to lose either of you.” 

“Awesome.” 

Except it wasn’t friggin awesome. All the costumes were picked clean and they had to throw together some makeshift Indiana Jones outfit with pants that looked like they would fit him in the store, but ended up being _way_ too damn tight around his crotch. _Whatever, it’s just a few hours and I’ll burn the pants after, then hang myself with the rope. No big deal._

~~~~

Jask offered to spot for him today, and Dean was happy the quarterback didn’t hold any animosity towards him. They halfass talked it out but it was more an apology in passing so they could move on. Which was fine with Dean, and seemed to be fine with Jask.

“Come on, Winchester. Push.. push....” Jask held his hands out as Dean brought up his last rep and helped him set the bar down. “Beautiful. Good job, _pretty boy.”_ Jask tapped Dean’s face, earning himself an ungraceful backhand to the nuts. 

“Pretty boy _that,_ bitch.” Dean sat up too fast and hit his forehead on the bar, making Jask double over laughing. “Shut up, asshatt.” Dean held his head but joined in, sometimes he had to laugh at how clumsy he was off the field.

“I swear, if you weren’t such a gifted safety, I wouldn’t know how you survive walking out of the house everyday.” Jask teased, tying his ridiculous hair up in a manbun.

Jimmy walked over to join in. “Tell him how many bowls and plates you’ve broken, Lightning.”

“Fuck you both. Spot your quarterback, _Thunder._ I have a new concussion.” Dean rubbed his forehead again. Jask replayed the story like it _didn’t_ happen thirty seconds ago and Jimmy found it just as hilarious.

“All so he could touch my dick, it’s cute right.” Jask winked.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Not in the slightest. I was worried you would grab mine back or some shit.”

“Well, I would have, but that’s besides the point.” Jask stated as though it was obvious.

“Focus on your reps and think about dicks later, Morningstar.” Jimmy cut in, and Dean was thankful. 

“You got this? Ima go for a jog.” He saluted them both and made his way outside.

Tomorrow was gameday and Dean needed to get his mind right. He forgot his headphones but opted not to go back in the locker room, he knew most of the words to every song on his running mix anyway so he zoned out and played it back in his head. He ran and danced like no one was watching, because that was just how Dean was. He didn’t care who was watching, none of them were Cas anyway.

**Castiel**

Cas knew on some instinctive level that he’d survived the week. His leg was healing nicely and only twinged a bit as he walked into the stadium for the Halloween game, but his mind felt like it was anywhere but there. He missed Dean _so_ badly, and all the little moments they had together just made it worse. He’d lost count of the amount of times he’d spread his photos of Dean out on his bed, touching each one and wondering how the hell they’d gotten so far off course. His heart ached in his chest as he went from the very first picture he took of Dean the day he moved in and his confused, startled expression to the ones of them grinning like idiots before the Homecoming Dance. It was the one they’d taken outside of his cave that really got him, though. He’d shared something deeply personal with Dean, and he’d thrown him away. Cas blinked back a tear as he boxed the pictures back up and shoved them under his bed. 

If something didn’t change soon… 

  
  


**Jaskier**

Jask paced in his dorm room the morning of the Halloween game and flexed his shoulders. When he’d dumped Castiel last year, he’d also dumped his only pre-game ritual and never found anything suitable to replace it except for walking around and trying not to panic. Not only was he the quarterback, he was also a Captain - and for a junior, that was saying something. But it meant that the whole team relied on him to be a leader and sometimes, he didn’t feel like he had it in him. 

Castiel used to help with that. He’d tie him up or talk him down onto his knees and Jask would willingly give up control until he felt like he could actually breathe again. He almost always played exceptionally well after those nights. 

_Almost._

He rubbed his left wrist as he remembered the last time they’d been together. He’d been fully restrained and Castiel had been teasing him for nearly an hour, so his body was overly sensitive to every little touch. When Castiel’s tongue finally hit his cock, he’d jerked hard enough that he sprained his damn wrist. It was the stupidest thing in the world, it could have happened to anyone on any day - but it happened to him, the morning of their fucking Bowl game. He’d only been starting last year because Helltown’s previous starter declared for the NFL Draft a year early and had gotten scooped up in one of the late rounds, which left a pretty gaping hole on the offense that Jask was more than eager to fill. So, none of it should’ve happened. He shouldn’t have asked Cas to basically torture him, shouldn’t have _let_ him put a leather fucking cuff around his throwing wrist, shouldn’t even have been starting at all that year, let alone that game. 

Needless to say, wearing a pair of lucky socks or watching the same movie every week didn’t quite replace getting dommed by the sexiest fucking nerd he’d ever seen… so Jaskier was completely ritual-less. 

For like the fifth time that morning, someone knocked on his door to tell him ‘good luck.’ _Yeah, as opposed to what? Bad luck?_ He never understood that. He also didn’t understand why he’d never been smart enough to move out of the dorms. He’d pretty much crashed with the Novaks for most of the previous year but now Winchester lived with them and it was a miracle if he got Castiel to _talk_ to him, let alone invite him over. He couldn’t really blame the guy, as much as he wanted to. Jaskier had broken up with him immediately after the Sugar Bowl, in front of roughly 300 people - if someone had pulled that kinda shit on _him,_ he’d have done a lot worse than giving them the cold shoulder. 

But speaking of Winchester, that fucker brought a whole new meaning to the word _fuckable._ Just when he’d thought he’d never be more attracted to someone than he was to Castiel, Winchester bent over in his uniform and Jask considered topping for the first time in his life. There was no finer ass in all the world, and if Jask was looking for a new pre-game ritual… beating off in the shower to the thought of it might not be a bad way to go. It hadn’t failed him yet, anyway. 

_Especially_ now that he was 90% sure Winchester wasn’t as straight as he’d let on. Something happened between him and Castiel, he knew it to his core… and honestly, he wasn’t sure who he was more jealous of. It was a feeling he wasn’t really used to since Castiel had basically been a fucking monk since they broke up - but he’d be lying if he said that Castiel showing up _without_ Dean’s jersey a few weeks ago didn’t make his goddamn day. 

When it was time to go warm up, Jask dodged the students in the hall that tried to offer him more hollow words of luck and jogged over to the stadium. His shit was already there from the night before and nothing got his blood pumping better than a good run… unless you count sex, which… he didn’t… because he wasn’t getting any. He’d accidentally started some sort of _no distractions_ thing on the team which meant no serious relationships, and Jask wasn’t the kind for one night stands. He knew Novak was getting serious with that nerdy bitch, and he was pretty sure Garth and that one chick were still dating, but he didn’t say jack shit about it because at the end of the day it was a stupid rule based off a stupid lie and anyone that listened to it was equally fucking stupid. 

You could balance a relationship and the game, it wasn’t that hard… it was just a lesson Jask learned a little too late.

Novak and Winchester were already arguing when he got into the locker room, but he was at least glad to see it was playful and not anything real. He was still kinda pissed at Winchester for the bullshit he’d pulled a couple weeks ago but if it had anything to do with Castiel, he knew how easy it was to overreact. 

“The fuck are you two fighting over this time, huh?” 

Novak laughed and lightly smacked Dean’s cheek. “Princess over here thinks _he_ should be Thunder, since he likes to hog all the fucking attention.” 

“Hey, have you looked at that board recently?” Winchester jerked his head toward it as he tightened his shoulder pads. “I’m wiping the floor with you in _every_ category. Interceptions, tackles and broken up passes. I’m just sayin’... it’d be more fitting.” 

_I ask God to give me a decent team, and he hands me these idiots._ “Winchester, do you know _anything_ about _anything?_ Thunder wouldn’t even exist without lightning.” 

“Who the fuck made you a meteorologist?” Novak narrowed his eyes and snapped Jask’s thigh with whatever fucking piece of clothing he was holding, but grinned at the end. “Whatever, it’s still _my_ nickname that gets chanted.” 

“Gotta hear it sometime, right? My guess is Ophelia’d yell out _anyone_ else’s name before yours, ya fuckwit.” Jask arched his body to avoid the second shot and laughed as Dean winked at him. “Get your asses in gear, we’ve got a game to win - can’t go relaxing just because we’re 7-0.” He watched as Dean slid on his jersey and then bent over to tie his cleets, and _damnit_ that fucking ass. “I’ll tell you guys what. Whichever one of you manages to pull off a pick-6 tonight gets a Halloween kiss from me.” 

Novak shuddered. “Ew, fuck… that _is_ scary. So scary that I actually think I’m gonna let _Lightning_ over here have the glory today.” 

“Hey, suit yourself. Jask’s hair is long enough he’s practically a chick anyway.” Dean blew him a kiss before putting his helmet on, and even though Jask _knew_ it was sarcastic and just meant to piss Novak off, it still made his stomach do idiotic things. _Who knows, maybe he did mean it._

Running out onto the field gave Jask the same insane high that it always did. Coach had told him there were about 18,000 in attendance and word on the street was that one of them was an NFL scout. Looks like he’d be showing off in more ways than one today. 

They lost the toss but Melbourne chose to kick off first, so Jask pulled his helmet down a little snugger and pranced his happy ass onto that field. He hated having first possession most of the time, he preferred the safety net of getting the ball back after halftime in case shit went south in the first two quarters, but in the event that it couldn’t be avoided… he aimed to make a statement. Usually he’d throw deep to Milton, Ross or Danvers, but today he was thinking something a little different. 

No one knew it, but Singer had been letting him call the plays all year. That was probably because their offensive coordinator was a dumbass and Singer hated doing it, but might also have been because Jask never listened anyway. He was a big fan of audibles, and they’d pretty quickly developed their own little language to the point that they could skip most huddles. 

He lined up right behind Lafitte and leaned down, sweeping his eyes over the defense. _“Lady in White, Lady in White!!”_ Jask paused with his eyes on the play clock, giving his team the chance to shift. _“Hike!”_ When the ball was in his hands he dropped back, looking left and watching Danvers in his periphery as he started into his drag route. _Ten… fifteen… now!_ He threw the ball and took off toward his receiver, grinning as Danvers pulled it in without a problem. As predicted, he drew every damn defender his direction as he cut away from the sideline toward the middle of the field, and Jask was there. Danvers lateraled to him and he pushed his legs harder in the opposite direction, curling back toward the sideline and up the field. He wasn’t the fastest by any means, but he could scramble with the best of them and those skills helped him break a couple of tackles before he willingly went out of bounds around the Melbourne 40 once they finally got a grip on the gadget play. The crowd was so fucking loud he could barely hear himself think as they lined up again, but it didn’t matter. His team knew him, and he knew his team. Trenton found a hole on the right side and charged forward for another 8 yards, and Jask was feeling pretty ballsy by that point. He settled into pistol formation with Trenton behind him and Ross and Danvers on the far side right next to each other. His original plan dissolved when the pocket collapsed faster than he’d anticipated but his fullback was right there, and after a less-than-graceful hand-off he ended up getting the first down. Two plays later, he found Ross in the endzone. _Fuck yeah!_

He ran over to chest bump his tight end and then ran over to the sidelines with a grin on his face, catching Winchester once he got there. He grabbed his jersey, pulled him close and slammed their helmets together. “Don’t forget, I want that pick-six.” 

Dean rolled his eyes and smacked the side of his head. “Yeah, and I wanna not get fat from eatin’ pie!” 

Fitzgerald nailed the extra point and booted the _hell_ outta that ball on the kickoff. He didn’t get his wish, but the Hunters’ D held the Knights to 3-and-out as he talked to Coach and got some Gatorade, so he couldn’t complain. 

The rest of the first half went pretty fucking spectacular in his opinion. They went into the locker room up 20-7 and Coach had nothing but good things to say for once, unless you counted his warning not to get too comfortable. He took a moment to air out his sweaty mop of hair and take a piss, then congratulated his kicker. Garth didn’t hear enough how fucking reliable he was, but two extra points and two field goals in the first half was something to be celebrated. 

Winchester piped up from the entryway. “Better not be givin’ away my kiss, Morningstar. I’m gunnin’ for that smarmy ass QB of theirs now. He’s on my permanent shit list for tryin’ to copy _our_ trick play.”

Jask grinned as he slid his helmet back on. “No worries, big guy. It woulda never worked for him, he’s not half the _lady_ I am.” He jogged past a laughing Dean and joined the rest of the team back on the sidelines. 

Melbourne was up first, and those stupid fucks put a quick 7 on the board. He had half a mind to reem Dean out for not seeing that faked handoff, but honestly... it was just a good play. With their lead suddenly cut down to less than a touchdown, Jask dropped the humor he’d found during halftime and got back to fucking business. 

He was sacked on first down and he got up kinda slowly. Not because he was actually hurt, but because Melbourne’s defense was notoriously gullible. _Let the fuckers come at me thinking I’m an easy target, watch how fast they get burned._ Sure as shit, second down they blitzed and Jask threw the ball to a wide open Trenton. All he had to do was beat the safety since he’d lined up as a blocker and rolled out, and he was used to going against Winchester and Novak in practice. This dude had nothing on either one of them, and Trenton didn’t even flinch when the idiot tried to tackle him. He was _gone!_

With a comfortable lead again, Jask relaxed on the sidelines. He paid attention to what Coach said, of course, but this game was really on the defense now. Jask had no problem believing his offense could keep putting points on the board. 

Melbourne scored again, and the Hunters’ next couple of offensive drives yielded a big fat fucking nothing. _Okay, maybe I spoke too soon._ Up by only 6 again at the start of the fourth quarter, Jask was getting a little nervous. _These fucking pricks don’t quit._ He was getting tired, their last possession had eaten almost six minutes off the clock. If they’d have scored at the end it wouldn’t have been a big deal to him - but long drives with no payoff wore his ass _out._

It continued like that till the two-minute warning. Coach was no longer being so nice about it, the Knights had the ball in Hunters territory and had one of the meanest hurry-up offenses in the entire NCAA despite their lack of finesse on a normal drive. It was out of Jask’s hands now, and he hoped that stupid fucking Imagine Dragons song kicked HellStorm into gear. They certainly weren’t playing badly, Jask just needed them to play _better._ Even still, he watched maybe a little too closely at the way Dean’s hips moved as he danced during the timeout. 

_And I want that fucking kiss, pick-six or not._ He squatted down, bracing a hand on his helmet in front of him and watched the next two plays unfold. The fucking Knights scored despite Jimmy being _right fucking there,_ but something happened near the endzone that drew a flag. Jask pushed himself back up assuming it would be against Jimmy and his heart sank to his fucking toes. They had a little bit of time left, but probably not enough unless he at least managed to get within Fitzgerald’s range with a single completion. But, the ref signaled for _offensive_ pass interference and knocked those arrogant fucks back 15 yards and Jask wasn’t sure he’d ever been happier in his entire life. He watched with nothing short of glee as the points that had barely made it to the board to begin with were taken right back off and they lost a down to boot. 

3rd and 22 with 0:43 left to go? He liked those odds. Who knew, maybe Castle would do something fucking useful for once instead of leaving the entire defensive backfield up to Novak and Winchester. The other corner was good, but he did way better guarding out routes and Melbourne seemed to prefer post routes and buttonhooks. Moran just didn’t have the agility needed. 

Their D-line absolutely swallowed the Knights’ running back on the next play, but this was 4 down territory if Jask had ever seen it. The entire game, down to one fucking play. His mind raced to about a million things he could’ve done differently, but it was too late to change the damn past. One way or the other, the game ended here. 

The QB dropped back and Jask saw the fucking wide open receiver a split second before the ball was thrown his direction. Jask scanned the field in horror wondering who the hell was responsible for the blown coverage, but before he could even process what was happening, Winchester’s #24 jersey was streaking across the goal line. He launched himself into the air and came down with a clean interception, right on the one- yard line. 

Jask screamed so loudly he nearly blew his vocal chords out. “Fucking _Lightning!”_

Jimmy was on Dean in a second, tackling him to the ground as the stadium absolutely exploded. Jask waited until the clock officially hit 00:00 and the score became final, then ran out to join his teammates. 

_8-and fucking -0!_

~~~~

Coach wasn’t as pleased as everyone else when they got back into the locker room. It was a messy victory and they all knew it, but at the end of the day a win was a win. Dean got a gatorade bath courtesy of the waterboy, and Jask took the opportunity to soak up the way Dean’s drenched body looked. 

“Oi, Winchester!” 

Dean glanced over at him and rolled his eyes. “Don’t get your hopes up, Morningstar. Wasn’t a pick-six, and that was the deal, yeah?” 

He grinned. God, he loved technicalities. “Well, it was a pick-to- _save-_ the-six, and in my eyes, that fucking _counts.”_

Winchester’s face flushed from more than just exertion. “That’s not how this works, man. You can’t go rewritin’ rules just cause you got too specific the first time.” 

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll see how you feel after you get a few beers in you. Party’s at the HellStorm house, right?” 

Dean nodded and wiped the sweat and Gatorade from his face. “Yeah, but your ass better show up in a costume or I’m not lettin’ you in. If I gotta dress up for this shit, so do all of you.” 

Novak clapped him on the shoulder. “Oh, relax. It’s Halloween, it’s the one day a year you can get away with looking as douchey as you do on a normal basis.” 

The two started bickering as always and Jask smiled to himself. That raw, electric chemistry might be a pain in the ass off the field, but damnit if it didn’t push them both to be better players. 

He turned to take a shower, already wondering just _how_ many beers it would take to pull Dean outta his closet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Desiderium  
> [An ardent longing, as for something lost ]
> 
> *also, I'm not sure how people will feel about the random Jask POV there, but that's the only time it happens so if you weren't a fan, I promise that's the only time you have to deal with it. :)


	17. Katallage

_ “Loyalty is something you give regardless of what you get back.”  _

\- Charles Jones

**Castiel**

Sometimes, the love of the game will outshine any and all external factors and it won’t matter who’s on the field. That’s why so many people watch the Superbowl whether or not their team made it. When the game was good, it superseded everything else. 

This game was good. It had everything you could want in a match-up - trick plays, defensive stands, a last minute rally and ultimately, victory for the team of your choosing. The article would practically write itself, which was good… because Cas didn’t want to write it. 

He didn’t want to do anything but go home and curl up into his bed with a good book or a better album and hide until he managed to convince his heart to just move on from Dean. But that wasn’t in the cards for him, unless he somehow found another place to live in the next hour or so. Jimmy and Dean had decided to throw a Halloween party at their house, and he’d been outnumbered before he could even try to vote. 

Normally, Halloween was his favorite time of year. He loved the chill in the air, the decorations, the haunted houses… the horror movie marathons. But this year, he hadn’t really gotten to experience any of that because he couldn’t get out of his own head. He’d been letting Dean pick the movies simply because he didn’t want to pick the wrong one and have Dean decide to leave, and he’d picked almost nothing but nerd movies and cult classics - which, was adorable in it’s own right because Cas knew he was only doing it to make him happy - but still. From the bottom of his heart, he’d wished things had been different and he could have taken Dean to all of his favorite fall spots. 

As it was, he was standing in his bedroom ten minutes before people were due to start arriving and looking down at his costume like he was seeing it for the first time. In previous years, he’d spend weeks cultivating the perfect costume… but his heart hadn’t been in it this year. He’d gone with simple white pants and a white shirt and plastered colored circles over it so he’d look like a  _ Twister  _ board… which pretty much summed up how he felt inside. Twisted. He hadn’t noticed until right that second that the only red circle on his entire outfit was directly on top of his crotch. He silently cursed Charlie for that little prank and sighed heavily. It was too late to find something else, he’d just have to deal with it. 

He grabbed the cardboard spinner he’d created and made his way out into the living room where he found Jimmy dressed up as Danny from  _ Grease, _ and Dean… He snapped a picture before Dean could cover himself up or run away.

“Uhm… should I call you Indy for the evening or will you still answer to ‘Dean’?” 

Dean’s eyes took way too long to travel up Cas’ body before he finally looked at his face. “Hey Cas, nice costume. Um... Indy is fine.” He winked and looked down at his own costume. “Are the pants too tight? I’m dying and I didn’t realize they’d be so tight when me and Charlie picked ‘em out.” He adjusted his crotch and shook his right leg.

Suddenly, a lot made sense. He smiled a little to himself... Charlie had ridiculous methods, but she didn’t quit. “I’m not sure the phrase ‘too tight’ will ever apply to you, Indy, but if you’re uncomfortable... maybe you should change.” Cas pointedly kept his eyes away from the very visible bulge in Dean’s pants. He likely wasn’t even hard, they were just that snug.

“I changed my mind, don’t call me Indy.” Dean walked over to spin the stupid twister board and when it landed on red, he blushed and walked to the kitchen to grab a beer. “Beer, Cas?” 

Jimmy rolled his eyes. “Oh I’d love one, Indy.”

Dean shoved one across the counter and chuckled. “Drink up, Thunder Thighs.”

Cas didn't really feel like listening to the argument that was going to ensue over that, so he picked up the spinner and made his way outside to check the outdoor decorations. That was one thing he hadn't been too lazy to do - he'd lined jack-o-lanterns and cornstalks up the driveway and hung spiderwebs over the porch. It wasn't much, but at least it was something. He lit the jack-o-lanterns as Ophelia pulled in, followed closely by some of the Hunters team. Most of them paid no attention to him at all, which was normal. He waited a moment after everyone went inside and looked up toward the sky. It was still kind of light out, but the moon was already visible and he got lost there for a minute. There was nothing quite like the moon to remind a person how truly insignificant they were.

The arrival of more people dragged him out of his little moonlight reverie, and a couple of ridiculously clad newcomers scoffed at his costume. He straightened up and followed them inside, then disappeared into his room. If he was going to survive the night, it was going to take something stronger than beer. 

He grabbed the bottle of tequila he kept under his bed for post-game celebrations with Jaskier. It was still about half-full and hadn't been touched since the last game of the regular season, but this seemed like a good night to break it out. Cas took three consecutive shots and set the bottle down on his nightstand as he waited for the burn in his throat to pass.  _ This is going to be a long fucking night.  _

Music began playing in the living room and Cas took a deep breath before heading back out. Most of the team was there now, as well as some students he recognized but didn't personally know. He went to the fridge to grab himself a beer and frowned deeply when he saw that the  _ entire  _ contents of the fridge had been replaced with alcohol. Dean was standing a few feet away from him talking to one of the cheerleaders and he couldn't see Jimmy at all, so that made his decision for him. "Dean... where is our food?"

“Food? We don’t need food, we have alcohol.” Dean joked and a cheerleader touched his arm when she laughed with him. He shrugged her off and walked over. “It’s outside already. You did enough, Cas. Relax the rest of the night.” 

Jask walked in dressed as Aquaman, but really it was obviously an excuse not to wear a damn shirt. “The party is here, don’t fret. Nice bulge, Winchester.”

Dean rolled his eyes and walked over. “Nice nipples, Loreal.” He grabbed Jask’s nipple and twisted.

Apparently, Jaskier had learned a few things from his time with Castiel because the second Dean twisted his nipple, Jask had him pinned against the counter. Cas opened his mouth to tell him to back the hell off, but what right did he have? And anyway, his mind went a little fuzzy when Jask actually used his words to respond. 

"I'll be waiting patiently for that kiss,  _ Indy.” _ Jask grinned at the stunned look on Dean's face and then made his way over to Cas, winking at him and stepping around him to grab a beer. 

"I don't want to know," Cas muttered. He glanced - well, glared - at Dean, and then made his way into the backyard, searching for literally anyone he could pretend to talk to.  _ Kiss? What kiss? _

Someone tapped him on the shoulder and he turned to see someone he didn't recognize, which was startling given his utter attractiveness. Maybe he couldn't touch Dean on that level, but the guy was certainly giving Jaskier a run for his money. Cas blinked and cleared his throat, then took the spinner in the stranger's outstretched hand. "Oh, thank you." 

"I'm Ishim. Found that over by the beer, and..." his eyes swept down Cas' costume, making Cas' stomach flip. "I don't see anyone else dressed up as the greatest game of all time." 

Cas gave him an embarrassed smile and tucked the spinner under his arm. He caught Dean glancing at them as he stepped outside, and something about that gave Cas a little bit of defiant confidence. "I didn't have time to properly plan out a costume this year, but I agree. Any game that involves seeing how  _ bendy  _ someone can be is a good time."

“Greatest game of all time, my ass, I can see why you don’t watch our games.” Dean took a drink of his beer and started walking closer just as Jask caught up with him and pulled him away for a drinking game.

Cas’ eyes followed them for a split second too long. There was something intrinsically horrifying about seeing Jask and Dean together in any capacity, but there was definitely a spark between them that he hadn’t noticed before. Maybe that’s why Dean left... he found Jaskier. He turned his back to them and attempted to control his facial expression as he took a long drink and studied Ishim.  _ The only way out... is through. _ “Don’t mind him, apparently national acclaim isn’t enough attention for him.”

Ishim shook his head. “Yeah, I’m sure he has a small cock, those kind always do.” His eyes traveled down Cas’ body. “It’s the quiet ones I go for.”

He shifted on his feet, and the urge to defend Dean’s manhood was almost overwhelming for a second but he pushed it down and smirked. “Who said I’m quiet?”

“I do. I’ve seen you around.” Ishim shrugged, just as Jimmy cheered for Cole as he did a keg stand. “Your brother is loud enough for the both of you.”

"That's an understatement. So, how come I haven't seen you around?" Cas took a step closer, mainly because it was hard to hear over the music and the voices - but if Dean happened to look over and think he was flirting, well...  _ good. _

“I have a class with Winchester but I’m only taking two. Don’t come around much but I heard there was a party here and decided to come.”

Cas took another long sip and tilted his head back. He probably should have gone for more than three shots, but he also didn't want to end up drunk and confessing his love to Dean in front of a room full of people. He glanced over in Dean's direction and saw him playing beer pong against Jask, and they were acting like morons trying to distract each other. His face burned and his heart hurt, so when he turned back to Ishim he decided it was time to move on. "And you came alone?"

“Yup. I was hoping we could be alone, together.” He sat back and looked up at the moon. “The moon always reminds me of how small we really are.”

Cas blinked, his expression going slack for a moment. “I was thinking the same thing before everyone started arriving. Have you ever been to the old Perry Barn? I took my telescope out there a few months ago, it's an excellent vantage point.”

“Yeah I have, don’t have a telescope though, maybe you can show me sometime?” Ishim got up and grabbed them each a beer and came back. “My treat, don’t mention it,” he joked.

Cas took it and drained the rest of his first one. "Yes, of course." This might have started as a way to forget about Dean, but Ishim was smart, attractive, and seemed to share the same interests he did. Maybe it could end up being something more? As he opened his next beer and took the first, cold sip, he made it a point to wrap his tongue around the neck of the bottle and hold Ishim's gaze as he did. When he pulled it back, he slowly licked up a little that he'd allowed to drip onto his bottom lip. "So, you're into board games, the moon, and judging people's dick sizes based on their personalities. Anything else I should know about you?"

Ishim laughed. “Well I play the piano, I like old horror films better than new ones, I’m a bottom, a business major, a vegan and I’m very interested in you.”

Cas forced himself to quirk an eyebrow before he fell absolutely head over heels in love. “Vegan, hmm? That’s a shame, I rather enjoy meat.” He smiled, he couldn’t help it - so many things about that were perfect. “You’re not secretly a jock, are you?”

“I prefer a different kind of meat, personally, and no... not a jock. I stay far away from organized sports.” 

Dean made his way over and sat next to them with a grunt. “How’s it going?” His cheeks were flushed from the booze and his hair was messy from roughhousing with the entire damn football team.

Cas sighed, looking between the two of them. “Dean, you’ve met Ishim? He was just telling me all of the things we have in common and that he’s absolutely  _ not  _ a jock. How’s your evening going? Are you  _ ball-handling  _ for your quarterback yet?”

Dean frowned and cleared his throat. “Um... what? There’s no way you two have anything in common. Hit me.” He did a come on motion with his hand. “What are these common interests?”

“He’s intelligent, aware that my brother is unnecessarily loud, likes board games, old horror movies, plays the piano and has a similar view of our vast and never-ending universe. We’re going stargazing at some point in the very near future.” He leaned a little into Ishim’s side and looked up at him, smiling cheekily. “And, we’re...  _ compatible  _ in other ways, too.”

Dean huffed a laugh. “Stargazing? Right. What  _ other  _ ways, Castiel?” He tilted his head, and something shifted inside of Cas at the sound of his name. That would likely be one thing he  _ never  _ got over.

Ishim chuckled and put an arm around Cas. “I don’t think it’s any of your business, Dean.” 

Dean smacked his hand with his whip. “Like hell it ain’t, he’s my-” he paused, “roommate.”

Ishim withdrew from Cas and flinched, rubbing his hand. “Yes, that was mature.” 

Cas was so curious to know what Dean was actually going to say that he nearly pushed Ishim away further just long enough to find out. But none of it mattered, and Cas wasn’t about to let Dean fuck this up for him. “You’re right, Dean. I’m your  _ roommate. _ Thank you for stating the obvious.” He looked back at Ishim and wrinkled his nose cutely. “Don’t listen to him, I can’t have you finding out what a weirdo I am. It seems you’re the only person that doesn’t already know.”

“You’re not a... never mind.” Dean got up and stormed inside the house. 

Ishim raised his eyebrows. “Guessing there’s a story there, but I don’t need to hear it, he’s clearly an idiot if he had a chance with you and ruined it.”

"No, no. It was nothing like that." It was  _ exactly  _ like that, but Cas wasn't about to out Dean. "Haven't you heard? He fucked half the school within his first three weeks here. He just gets territorial with his friends, so like I said... don't listen to him." Cas finished his second beer and got up to get a third for each of them, and when he returned, he sat a little closer. 

  
  


**Dean**

Maybe Dean was overthinking it, but he could have sworn Jask was getting him drunk on purpose. Not in a bad way, but he definitely stuck around all night feeding Dean beers and soon they were talking and laughing much too close. Dean was a little past the point of realizing how it must have looked, but he would have never intentionally hurt Cas by flirting with Jask, he saw his face when Jask joked about that kiss. Jask was hot as hell, no denying that but he was still Cas’ ex, and ten beers couldn’t make Dean forget that little fact. There’s also the fact that they’re both bottoms. Dean moved to Helltown and had to fight for his position on the field, he really wasn’t trying to fight for his position in the bedroom, too. 

But Cas was over there flirting with that asshat Ishim. He was in his Business class and Dean didn’t like him in the slightest. He was a dick, no other way to put it. Ishim was one of those douchebags that spoke like they were above you and Dean had to keep from punching him at least twice this semester. Cas was getting pretty tipsy, so Dean felt it was his job to watch him... except it wasn’t. And watching Cas flirt with that fucking dickhole was only driving Dean to drink more. 

Dean had already taken that stupid twister board the fucker kept spinning and broke it. He felt a little guilty after, mainly because Cas had made it, but he couldn’t stand the thought of Ishim touching the red spot. It was childish, but Dean felt minutely better afterwards. 

He stood in the kitchen sipping some whiskey. He had been drinking beer most the night, but after that fucked up conversation he kept replaying back how much he and Cas  _ didn’t _ have in common. He needed something stronger.

Speaking of the fucker, Cas and Ishim walked in, and Cas pointed that douchecanoe toward his bedroom. Cas was grinning and flushed as he turned toward the kitchen, then stopped in his tracks when he saw Dean. He walked right over, stuck out his hand like he was going for a low-five, and said, “Dean! Indy! Whatever your name is. Can I have a condom? We both know I don’t have any.”

_ Is this a fucking joke?!  _ Dean set his cup down with a clank and stormed off to his room, Cas following close behind. Once they got inside he rounded on him. “Seriously?”

Cas tried to look innocent for a moment but his sculpted fucking demeanor slipped. “Yes, seriously. I don’t have any, and just because I didn’t use one with you doesn’t mean I don’t use them at all. I need one, unless you used the entire box already on everyone  _ but  _ me.”

“What are you even talking about? I haven’t even been with anyone else.” His voice dropped to a whisper and his eyes darted to the open door.

"Then you do have some, and your unwillingness to give me one doesn't make any sense. You told me not to wait for you, that I deserved better. This is me... not waiting for you and trying to see if ‘something better’ even exists." Cas set his jaw and looked toward Dean's bedside table. "I can just grab one myself, or go get one from Jimmy."

Dean’s eyes darted to his bedside table too and he frowned,  _ little shit knows where they are.  _ “Jimmy doesn’t have any, Ophelia is on the pill. Don’t ask how I know. This is your only shot.” Dean nodded towards his table and grinned.

Cas turned like he was going to walk away, and then ducked and dove toward the bedside table, yanking the drawer open and fumbling around inside of it.

Dean actually fell for the fake and his response time was much slower than normal thanks to the alcohol. He grabbed Cas’ hips and pulled him back, trying to snatch the condom box out of his hand.

“You’re a child,” Cas grunted as he dug his ass into Dean’s crotch and tried to hug the box to his chest. “It’s just one!”

“Not with that clown. You deserve better, Castiel. Trust me.” Dean was hardly struggling now and Cas’ ass against his crotch made him feel disoriented. He dropped his forehead against Cas’ shoulder and inhaled his neck, before releasing him all together. “Fine, go ahead! Take the whole fucking box, I don’t need them anyway.” Dean turned and left the room, bumping into the door with a thud.

Jask was heading toward the back door when he spotted Dean come out. He stopped and turned toward him, a curious expression on his face as Dean heard Cas mutter something behind him and then Cas’ door shut hard. Jask’s eyes wandered, and then he gestured toward Jimmy’s room. “C’mere, it looks like you need a breather.”

Dean almost told him to fuck off and went out the front door, but he was trying not to argue with his captain anymore and listened. Dean walked in and ran his hands through his hair. “Why is he so frustrating?” Sober Dean would have never gone there with Jaskier, but since they had both fallen for the same nerd, maybe he had some pointers.

“Because he takes people at their word and reacts based on what he gets from others. If he thinks he’s not wanted, he gets  _ real  _ fuckin’ cold.” Jask sat on the edge of Jimmy’s bed and patted the spot next to him. “You wanna talk about it....?”

“Not really.” Dean walked over and sat down anyway. “I don’t even know how it happened.”  _ How did I fall for my damn roommate? _

Jask’s hand landed on Dean’s thigh and he leaned in a little closer. “Good, because honestly... I’d rather not think about him right now.” 

Dean looked down at his hand and was surprised he didn’t instantly want to shrug away. He pushed his leg against Jask’s slightly and didn’t realize what was happening until he looked up and met Jask’s gaze. “What do you want to think about?”

Jask looked at his lips and smiled. “I’m already thinking about that kiss you earned today. Been thinking about it all season, just didn’t have an excuse til right now.” Jask’s hand slid a little further up until Dean could feel the backs of his fingers against his crotch, and then Jask leaned in and fucking kissed him.

Even drunk, this kiss felt wrong. Before this, Castiel was the only man Dean had ever kissed and the second their lips touched, Dean was putty. Willing and pliant to anything Castiel wanted or desired. But not this time, not with Jask. They both fought for dominance and yet neither actually took it. It was two fucking bottoms pretending to be tops and was honestly just a mess. Dean pushed him back slightly and was about to explain why when he saw Jimmy standing in the doorway.  _ Fuck! _ “This isn’t what it looks like.”

"Fucking Christ, Winchester! When I told you not to fuck with my brother, that also includes running around kissing his fucking ex’s!” Jimmy was yelling, loudly enough that anyone and everyone in that house would have heard. 

Jask stood up quickly and headed for the door. "Sorry, Thunder. Not my fault."

“Can you take it down a fucking notch?!” Dean yelled back and when he stood he had to adjust his stupid tight pants again. “Nothin’s going on, Jimmy.”

As if any of this needed to get worse, when Jask's giant body moved out of the way, fucking Cas was standing there looking like he'd seen something worse than a ghost. Is there something worse than a ghost? Who the fuck knows, but if there is, Cas just saw one. "Dean? Jimmy?" His eyes followed Jask until Dean heard the back door slam. "What...?" 

Jimmy glared at Dean. "You gonna fucking tell him, or should I?"

Dean sat down again. “Jask kissed me and I... hesitated before pushing him away.” He forced himself to meet Cas’ eyes.

"Great," Jimmy said. He rounded on Cas. "And no, you don't get to be pissed at him, I don't wanna fucking hear it. You're not much better, you just fucked somebody else!"

Cas shook his head, staring right at Dean and looking pissed despite Jimmy's words. "No, I didn't. I couldn't go through with it, because Ishim wasn't who I really wanted. I see now that I may have made an error in judgement."

“But I bet you guys kissed, right? I can see your hair is fucked, Castiel.” Dean stood and walked closer. “What’s the difference?”

Jimmy rolled his eyes and headed toward the door. "Fix your fucking shit and get out of my room." 

Once he was gone, Cas lowered his voice but was still clearly yelling at him. “The difference is I didn’t have sex with you, walk around pretending I didn’t like it and then kiss your ex-boyfriend in your twin brother’s room!”

“It wasn’t like that, Castiel.” Dean reached out and retracted his hand. “I did like it. I loved it.” He shook his head and lost his balance. “And I didn’t kiss him really... I pushed him off.”

Cas reached out and grabbed his elbow, his expression unreadable. "You need to go to bed. Come on."

“M’fine.” But he let him lead the way back to his room, tripping over the door frame as they entered and landing on his knees. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

"For what? You're a grown man, Dean. You can do whatever and whoever you want. I understand Jaskier's attraction to you, and yours to him. You didn't have to hold back on my account, I got the message loud and clear the night I hurt my leg." Cas gripped him under his armpits and hauled him up, leading him over to the bed, where he plopped down with a huff.

“Don’t want anyone else.”

Cas hesitated and then moved down to pull Dean's shoes off. "I can't have this conversation with you again, Dean. Every time we do, it takes me longer to recover from it."

Dean rolled over to face the wall and held the blanket open for Cas. “So you and Ishim...?”

"Apparently, the same as you and Jaskier. I couldn't..." Cas trailed off and kicked off his own shoes before climbing into the bed. "I just couldn't, he tasted wrong and as stupid as it sounds, I felt like I was cheating on you."

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I would have never, I... I miss you, Castiel.”

Cas closed his eyes and pulled the blanket up over him. “You’re the one that left, Dean. I thought... I thought we had something, and you threw me away.”

Dean rolled over and pulled Cas in. “I would never throw you away. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Castiel. Fuck... these weeks have been torture.” The tightness in his chest loosened as he spoke to Cas and he realized he would need to tell Cas everything if he ever wanted to feel better.

He buried his face in Dean’s chest as if he thought it would somehow save him from whatever was about to happen. “But you did, Dean. You did, and then you sucked me back in just to do it all over again. I just told you I can’t keep doing this with you. I need you to figure out what you want from me.”

“I just want... you. I don’t care if it makes me a shit teammate but I can’t stand being close to you and not allowed to touch you. Jimmy made me choose but I don’t want to choose anymore. I want football and I want to be with you. I just... you deserve more than me. Especially for all I’ve put you through.” Dean buried his face into Cas’ hair.

Cas’ chest heaved against his own, and he nodded a little. “Tell me again in the morning.”

“Castiel... I’m gay, and I’ve only ever said it out loud three times, and  _ that  _ was the third time. I’ve been struggling with it my whole life and I’m so fucking sick of hiding.”

The intensity on Cas’ face when he shifted to look at him was almost too much. “So, the women....”

“I didn’t want to but I had to. I didn’t want to be gay, but then I fell for you and I don’t want to lie anymore, not to you  _ or  _ myself. I have no desire to ever touch a woman again, even if you never wanted... I’m done hiding.”

“You don’t have to hide from me, Dean. I see you, and I’m not shying away.” A soft hand landed on Dean’s cheek. “I missed you, too, more than I can express.”

“I’m sorry I left. I panicked for like five minutes but I was coming back. I wasn’t really leavin’ but Jimmy made me swear.” Dean closed his eyes to the touch and sighed.

“My brother has his head shoved so far up his own ass I’m surprised he even noticed there was something to complain about. But screw him, I don’t care what he thinks.” Cas kissed his chest and settled down again, fitting perfectly in his arms. “I just wish everyone would stop trying to make decisions for me.”

“I’m sorry. I thought it was best for everyone, I don’t want drama on  _ or  _ off the field. Jimmy wouldn’t forgive me and bad blood with him could fuck up the whole season. But I can’t stay away anymore...”

Cas held him a little tighter. “Then don’t. No one needs to know, Dean. If you’re worried about causing problems... we don’t need to tell anyone. Just please... please don’t pull away from me again.”

“I won’t. I promise.” Dean leaned in and kissed him, unable to hold back anymore. He needed to taste Cas so bad it hurt. He pulled back just long enough to say, “Fucking missed you so much!” and then kissed him again.

Too soon, Cas pulled back, breathless. "Dean... we shouldn't. Not right now, there are too many people still here and we're both a little drunk." He kissed him quickly, as though he couldn't help himself. "But if you meant any of this... come find me in the morning."

“Don’t go...” Dean buried his face and clung to him. He knew Cas was right, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go. Cas kissed his ear and pulled back. 

“Just... give me a moment, then.” Dean reluctantly let go, and Cas went over to the door and locked it. He was still wearing that ridiculous Twister costume, and seemed to realize it because he started to slide the pants off. “I’ll stay with you, but I’m serious, Dean. I don’t want anything to happen until you’re sober.”

“Mmkay.” Dean rolled on his back and started trying -and failing - to take off his pants. “These are too fucking tight.”

Cas chuckled and climbed on the bed between his legs to help him pull them off. “I disagree. I think we should send Charlie a thank you card.”

Dean laughed and reached for Cas. “Come here. Need your smell.”

He collapsed on the bed next to him and squirmed until roughly  _ all _ of them were touching. “I’d tell you that’s weird, but I know exactly what you mean.” Cas kissed the bottom of his jaw and then his neck, just quick pecks before settling back down. “Get some sleep.”

“Want you to fuck me again.” Dean mumbled, hardly conscious but he still had a dumb grin on his face.

Cas growled and bit his chest. “And I will, probably the second you wake up.”

“Mmm.” Dean held Cas and fell into a deeper sleep than he had in weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Katallage  
> [a reconciliation, restoration to favor ]
> 
> Well, do any of you feel better now? I know I do. Gods, it was hard not to tell you guys last chapter that the kiss would be a good thing. I'm terrible at not spoiling my own shit.


	18. Strikhedonia

_ “We agreed to love each other madly.”  _

_ \-  _ Jack Kerouac

**Castiel**

He woke up slowly, like not one single part of his body was eager to face the day. The first thing he noticed was that his bed felt different. Firmer. It wasn’t bad, in fact, he’d slept better than he had in ages… but it was weird. The second thing he noticed was that it wasn’t his bed at all, unless someone had swapped out his laundry detergent for Armani Code. And the third thing that caught his attention… was that he was alone in that bed. 

“Dean…?”  _ Please tell me that wasn’t a dream. Couldn’t have been… right? I’m in his bed. Had to have been real.  _

Dean walked back in the room with his toothbrush in his cheek. “Mornin’ sunshine, everyone else is asleep and I definitely just yacked in the bathroom but I feel much better, thanks for asking.” He walked back out, probably to rinse his mouth and then came back, closing the door behind him.

Cas blinked, sitting up slowly and rubbing his eyes. “How many people are still here?”

“Uh...” His brow furrowed as he counted. “Like six? No one had started coffee, so I did.” Dean walked over and ruffled Cas’ hair, sitting next to him on the edge of the bed.

It was too early for this. He groaned and pulled the blanket over his body, sinking back into the mattress. “How are you awake?”

“Dunno. You um... remember anything from last night?” He blushed and looked away.

Cas grinned sleepily and sat up. “You mean... you drunkenly telling me that you couldn’t stay away from me anymore because not being able to touch me is like torture? No, I don’t remember that at all.”

His flush deepened. “You’re hilarious, Castiel. Has anyone ever told you that?” Dean climbed back in bed and hid under the blanket.

“No, actually. I think you’re the only one that finds me funny.” He dove under the blanket with Dean and shimmied closer to him. “Kiss me.”

Dean smiled and pulled Cas on top of him, leaning in to kiss him.

Cas growled and bit Dean’s lip, pulling back to look at him. “So, you meant it then?”

“Yes, Castiel. I want you and only you. I just want to tell Jimmy after the season. Is that okay?” He looked pained as he asked.

He kissed him again, unable to stand that look on his face. “Of course, Dean. I can handle sneaking around. Normally, I’d have some qualms about lying to my twin... but he apparently has it coming.” Then he thought of something that made him grimace, and he hesitated before asking because he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. “Even though we won’t be telling people, we’ll still be... exclusive, right? No one else, even as a cover? Or was exclusivity not part of your offer?”

Dean pulled him in and kissed him like he was trying to show Cas, rather than tell him. “I don’t want anyone but you.”

A smile worked its way slowly across his face and he moved a little so he could get a better look at Dean’s body below him. “Then I don’t care if we ever tell anyone. As long as I get to keep you this time, I’ll live.” Cas pressed his lips to Dean’s chest and slowly kissed downward, stopping every few inches to bite gently. “I guess that means I’ll have to refrain from leaving marks...”

“Nah. I like ‘em.“ Dean bit his lip and took a shaky breath as he looked down at Cas.

He pulled Dean’s boxers down slightly and bit his hip just below the waistline, then sucked a bruise there. If anyone saw that one, he’d show Dean he wasn’t the only one that could fight if he needed to. “Yeah? What else do you like, Dean?”

“You. Every inch of you, inside and out. I love when you talk, even if it’s about worms. I love how you take floor naps and LARP and how you’re just so... unapologetically you. Do more of those, I like those.” His hips moved in a circle and he nodded at the small hickey.

“Dean, I apologize for being me on an almost daily basis. But...” Cas moved a little closer to Dean’s crotch and added another mark. “The rest of that is true, so I’ll give you partial credit.” He nipped at the inside of Dean’s thigh before continuing the line across his waist.

“No you don’t. You might apologize, but it’s one of those _ sorry not sorry  _ apologies because regardless, you’ll still be you.” Dean pulled up Cas’ face by his chin to look into his eyes. “I love that about you.”

Cas’ heart hammered against his ribs and he licked his bottom lip, searching every inch of Dean’s face for a sign that he was lying. There were none, and he felt a little exposed by the truth of it all. “And I love... you.”  _ Fuck! It’s been like eight hours! _ “Your... freckles. I love your freckles.”

Dean chuckled. “My freckles? Really? I bare my soul to you and you compliment my freckles?“ he grinned and ran his fingers through Cas’ hair.

“Fuck.” He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, and decided he didn’t care. If Dean said he appreciated Cas being himself, then... “You know that’s not what I meant. I love all of you, Dean. I have for quite some time now.”

“I love all of you too.” Dean pulled him up and kissed him again, moaning into Cas’ mouth pathetically.

Except... no, it wasn’t pathetic. It was beautiful, and Cas eagerly swallowed the sound as he pressed their bodies together. Maybe it was because they were in the midst of actual Samhain, but he had the strangest feeling like he’d died and gone right across the veil. How was this even possible in reality? He could’ve stayed kissing him forever. Dean’s lips were incredible... but he wanted more before the others in the house woke up. Cas broke the kiss and worked his way down Dean’s body again, this time pulling his boxers all the way off. “Can you stay nice and quiet for me, sweetheart?”

“Fuck...” Dean whispered and his cock twitched. “Yes, Castiel.”

“You’re so good, Dean. So damn good...” Cas dipped down and ran the tip of his nose along Dean’s cock, then pulled it into his mouth with a quiet hum. This felt so different than last time. Dean was open with him... honest, even. They’d more or less shown each other loyalty before they’d even admitted their feelings, and as such... he was a lot more relaxed. He took his time, tracing every centimeter of Dean’s cock with his tongue, learning all the spots that made him twitch and gasp his name. 

He slid his hand down his own body and freed his length, stroking it to the taste of the glorious thing in his mouth.

“Wait... Castiel... I want to try it.” Dean pointed at Cas’ dick. “Wanna taste you.”

Cas pulled his hand away and instead used it to tease Dean’s balls as he took him deeper, expanding his throat and letting his slight gag reflex constrict the muscles around him.

“Oh fuck.” Dean said louder than he should have, and he bit both of his lips to stay quiet.

He hummed, hollowing out his cheeks and sucking harder as his free hand crept up Dean’s body. Cas pressed two fingers to his lips and when Dean opened his mouth, he slid them in. A needy little moan escaped Dean and he sucked Cas’ fingers in gently, sliding his tongue around them experimentally. 

Cas was keen to have that movement repeated somewhere a little further south on his body, so he grinned around Dean’s cock and swallowed him whole. He curled his tongue around his shaft as he pulled back slowly, then stroked him quickly as his mouth worked just the tip.  _ C'mon, sweetheart. Let me taste you again... give it to me. _

Dean was a whimpering mess, his cock was throbbing in Cas’ mouth and he was once again trying not to come too quickly. Dean glanced down at Cas and the second their eyes locked, Dean came with that same delicious groan that goes straight to Cas’ dick.

He swallowed with a satisfied hum and pulled off, kissing his way back up Dean’s body until his erection was pressing into Dean’s abs. “Do you still want to try it?”

“Yes, Castiel.” Dean shivered and reached to grip Cas’ cock and stroke. “Wanna taste you.”

Cas moaned and kissed him for a moment before rolling over, knowing Dean didn’t need to be crowded for this. “I should warn you, it can be... a lot.”

“Okay...” Dean rolled so he was hovering over Cas and kissed his lips before slowly kissing his way down his body. When he reached Cas’ cock he glanced up nervously. “Will you... guide me? I want to be good for you.”

He nodded quickly, shifting his hips so he was laying a little flatter and spreading his legs. “Of course, sweetheart. Start slow... tease me.” Dean’s entire body reacted to the pet name and he leaned in, guiding his tongue from the base to the tip. He kept his eyes on Cas as he sucked in the head for the very first time.

Cas was acutely aware how monumental this was, especially for a random Sunday morning. His cock was the first - and hopefully  _ only  _ \- one to be in such a sacred place... and gods did Dean’s mouth feel as perfect as it looked. “Good, Dean. So good. Now flick your... flick your tongue...” It was going to be hard to give any sort of direction with Dean looking the way he did, all eager and nervous and unbelievably sexy.

Dean flicked his tongue as told, watching what it did to Cas and smiling around his dick. He gained a little confidence and bobbed down to take Cas even deeper, pulling back up when he gagged.

“Ahh, fuck, Dean.” He slid his hand down and ran his fingers through Dean’s soft hair, rolling his hips gently but mostly trying to keep still. “Breathe through your nose, and try not to tilt your head down too much, it closes off your throat.”

“Mmhmm.” He hummed back and slid down, then back up, flicking his tongue to surely get a reaction out of Cas.

Cas twitched, clenching his jaw to try and keep quiet. But Dean Winchester was sucking him off, and clearly enjoying it, and the sight was better than any porno he’d ever seen. “The frenu-“  _ He’s not gonna know what the hell you’re talking about. _ “The little flap of skin under the head...” Dean licked it and Cas bent his knees, squirming down closer to Dean. “Fuck, just like that. Keep doing that.”

Dean smiled again and kept working Cas, flicking his tongue every few moments around that spot and watching Cas squirm until Cas couldn’t take it anymore and came with a low growl. Releasing into Dean’s mouth was almost as good as coming inside of him, and a warmth spread through his bones at the thought of finally being able to be with Dean, even if it was a secret.

Dean couldn’t swallow it all, but he tried and when he pulled off, he leaned back in to lap at the come at the tip. He glanced up at Cas with a sheepish grin. “That okay?”

When he finally quit twitching and moaning like a whore, Cas nodded. “Gods, yes. For a first time, that was... excellent. With some practice...” Cas shook his head, pulling Dean back up to him and looking into those stunning green eyes. “I genuinely look forward to what you’ll be able to do in a couple of months.”

“Me too, Castiel. I want to make you feel as good as you make me.” He ran his hand through Cas’ messy hair with a fond smile. “Fuck, I love you.”

It was strange, hearing that. He and Jaskier had never been in love, at least... not like this. Not all-consuming and utterly reciprocated. “I love you, Dean.” He kissed him and held him close, running his hands over Dean’s body and down to his ass. “Tell me again.”

“Tell you what?” He lifted his head to look into his eyes. “That I love you? And everything about you?”

"Yes, Dean. That you love me." But Cas didn't wait for him to say it, he pulled him back in and kissed the words right from his mouth. They could use their words later... for now, Cas wanted a different sort of expression. 

**Dean**

Sneaking out was going to be hard. They could hear Jimmy and Ophelia in the kitchen - probably drinking all the coffee - and needed an escape plan. “How should we do this?” Dean walked back over to where Cas was on the bed and climbed onto his lap. “I wish I could keep you in my bed forever.” He still couldn’t believe this was real, he and Cas were  _ actually  _ together now and less than twelve hours ago Cas was asking for a damn condom for Ishim.

“Don’t tempt me, Dean.” Cas kissed him quickly and wrapped his arms around him. “Not touching you is going to be the hardest part of this semester, and that’s saying something. But I don’t know, maybe you should go out there first? Distract them, make sure they’re not paying attention and then yell to me that the coffee is ready? I doubt they’ll realize which bedroom I’m coming from.”

Dean nuzzled into Cas’ neck. “Mmkay. I’ll yell coffee is ready and then point at something in the backyard so he isn’t looking towards your room. I should probably go do that.” But he didn’t move.

Cas’ fingertips danced over his back and he nodded against his shoulder. “Yes, you should.” But, Dean noticed, Cas wasn’t exactly trying to move either.

They cuddled longer than they should have before Dean got up and took one last longing glance at Cas. “Jimmy ever stays at O's, we're sleeping in the same damn bed.” Dean sighed and walked out of the room. Jimmy and Ophelia had actually walked back in his room so Dean instantly yelled for Cas, who came out a moment later.

“That was easier than anticipated.” There was no one else in the living room, so Cas immediately wrapped his arms around Dean again and whispered, “I’m sorry, I can’t help it.”

Dean kissed him and then pulled away, just in time for Jimmy to walk out. “You guys work out your shit?” 

Dean rolled his eyes and poured some coffee.

“We did. You needn’t worry,  _ James, _ I think we’ve officially moved on from what was bugging us.” Cas’ fingers brushed against Dean’s as he took the coffee pot from him, and the very corner of his mouth turned up. “Everything should be fine, now.”

“You didn’t fuck right?” His eyes darted between them and Dean could tell he was trying to read between the lines.

“Nah. No fucking for me. Maybe Cas did with the box of condoms he stole from me. though.” Dean glanced over and winked.

Cas had the nerve to blush. “I got what I needed last night, and that’s all either of you two need to know. Now... if you’ll excuse me...” Cas took a sip of his coffee and walked over to the study table to sit down. “ _ Some _ of us are seeking careers outside of the gridiron and need to study. Especially if either one of you are going to want free therapy when you inevitably get hurt being idiots.”

That seemed to satisfy Jimmy and he huffed a laugh. “I’m fucking Thunder. Nothing can take me out.” 

“You wouldn’t exist without Lightning though, so keep that in mind.” Dean took a sip and his eyes darted over to Cas and he had to bite back a smile when he slid on those adorable glasses.

“I suppose that makes me Sunshine... only seen when you two finally shut up.” Cas smirked with his eyes and gathered his things, then stood up to go to his room. He stopped long enough to say, “Dinner’s at five, and there won’t be leftovers. Be there or starve,” and then closed the door.

Dean shook his head and looked down at his coffee. The playfulness and banter would be easy, they naturally had that bond. The hard part would be fighting the urge to follow Cas in the room or pull him in for a kiss randomly. Even now, Dean wanted to do both. Castiel was absolutely his sunshine. 

“You look dumb. Fix your face, Safety.” Jimmy shook his head and walked away, leaving Dean standing there like an idiot.  _ How am I supposed to fix my face? Was I grinning like some lovestruck chick? Fuck… probably.  _ He huffed a laugh and went in his room to text Cas. 

**Dean: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy…**

_ Fuck what was the next line? _

**Dean: All the time**

Cas’ burst of laughter could be heard through the damn wall. A second later, his phone buzzed. 

**Castiel: I believe you meant ‘when skies are grey.’ Where are you?**

**Dean: Nah, skies are never grey with you.**

He hesitated and then hit send. It was cheesy, but he didn’t care.

**Dean: In my room. My cold... lonely room.**

**Castiel: And where is my brother?**

**Dean: Being a dick somewhere. Soon as he’s gone I’m busting in that room. Leave it unlocked.**

**Dean: Please**

It took several seconds for the reply to come in. 

**Castiel: Next time, don’t add the please as an afterthought. I’ll let it slide this time, because I’m eager to get my hands on you again.**

  
  


Another second, and a picture came in. Cas was sitting at the small desk in the corner of his room with his boxers on. It wasn’t explicit, really, but Dean could  _ clearly _ make out the outline of Cas’ dick laying against his thigh.

Dean saved the photo and created a hidden album to be safe before responding. 

**Dean: You’re so fucking gorgeous**

Dean was overly nervous to send a picture back but he finally talked himself into an upper body shot after a few moments. 

**Castiel: Have I ever told you how much I love your chest? That picture is just rude, I don’t think water-resistance really covers licking my screen. Go a little lower, I want to see the marks I left on you.**

Dean blushed even though he was all alone, he pulled his pants down but left his boxers on, lowering them as much as possible so Cas could see the marks  _ and _ his bulge. 

**Dean: You should leave more**

**Castiel: Believe me, I will. If Jimmy ever leaves and you get your ass in here, I have a feeling I won’t stop until I’ve marked you inside and out. Fuck, Dean. Look what you do to me.**

Another return picture came through, and Cas’ gorgeous cock was fully exposed and harder than hell.

That was all Dean needed for his dick to be fully on board. He saved it and sent one back, this time gripping the base. 

**Dean: I need you to come fuck me again. Been thinking about it ever since.**

**Castiel: Do you have lube? Nevermind, I know you do. I saw it when I stole your condoms. If you want my cock inside of you again, open yourself up for me. I’ll figure out how to get rid of Jimmy.**

**Castiel: One finger at a time, sweetheart. There’s no rush, I’ll take care of you either way.**

_ Shit! _

**Dean: Uh... I’ll try**

Dean slid down his boxers and grabbed the lube with shaking hands. He grabbed a towel and laid on his back, his fingers fumbling the bottle.

**Castiel: If you’re not comfortable, don’t worry about it. I think I’d rather do it anyway, you make the most gorgeous noises and I love the way your body moves when I’m stretching you out. I texted Jimmy, we’ll see if he actually leaves.**

**Dean: too late babe**

**Castiel: Then those are my fingers, Dean. You’re simply guiding them for me. And you know I’ll be gentle, slow... thorough. I’m not going too fast, am I?**

Dean was struggling with the texting so he hit the facetime button. “Hey...” his entire upper body flushed.

“Hello.” Cas set his phone on top of his desk and scooted his chair back a little, his cock fully on display. “Can you see me?”

‘’Mmhmm... fuck, I want you. This doesn’t feel as good without you.” Dean’s eyes traveled down to Cas’ cock.

“Yeah?” Cas stroked himself slowly, teasing his slit. “Then come here. I’m right across the hall, Dean. Act like you’re going to the bathroom, I doubt he’ll notice where you’re going. You’ll just have to be quiet for me when I bury myself inside of you. Can you do that for me, sweetheart?” He twisted his hand, and a bead of precome pooled on the top of his finger.

Dean whimpered and sat up in his bed. “Yes. Open your door.” He walked over to his and opened it, putting the phone up to his ear as they stared at each other. He stepped out, closing his room door and darted into Cas’. When Cas turned around, Dean grinned. “I’m gonna hang up now.”

Cas dropped his phone, his boxers already completely off and somewhere else. He closed the distance between them and kissed Dean hard, pulling him back toward the bed. “Fuck, Dean. It’s been like two hours and I already missed you. We were in the same  _ house.” _

Dean went wherever Cas wanted him, shaking slightly from anxiety. “I missed you too, Castiel. I already hate being apart.”

“Shh, wait a minute. I need to lock the door and turn on some music, just in case.” He kissed him again and then did exactly as he said, turning on some Bob Seger loud enough to mask their voices but not loud enough for Jimmy to complain about it. “Clothes, off. Now.” Cas pulled his own shirt over his head and then moved to help Dean, kissing his skin as he exposed it. “How far did you get?”

“The tip of my-”

_ Knock knock. _

“Cas? I’m leaving, be back later.” Jimmy called out and then the front door closed.

“My finger.” Dean finished.

Cas nodded and grinned at the door. “I’m glad he got my message. As hot as it was listening to you try to stay quiet last time, I want to  _ hear _ you now.” He pulled Dean back in and pushed him onto the bed, following him and kissing him deeply as his hand slid between their bodies.

“Yes, Castiel.” Dean moaned and rutted up against him. “Fuck...”

“Gods, you’re gorgeous, Dean.” Cas reached over to grab the lube and instructed him to roll over, so he did. A moment later, Cas’ slick finger was filling the empty space his own had left. “I’d like to take as much time with you now as I did last time, but I don’t know how long he’ll be gone and I want you screaming my name when you come for me.”

“Jesus... keep talking like that and I won’t make it long, sunshine.” Dean pushed back and groaned. “Fuck... Castiel.”

“Like what? Telling you how insanely attractive you are?” He slid his finger in deeper and pumped it slowly, working it around until Dean could feel himself stretching. “Or the part about me fucking you until you’re coming all over yourself with my name on your lips?”

“Shit... both,” He pushed back. “want your cock, please.”

“Easy, sweetheart. We’ll get there.” Cas kissed between his shoulders as his ass was stretched open even more. “I don’t want to have to go slow once I’m inside of you, and that means I need you open for me, Dean. Do you think you can handle a little more than you did last time?”

“That wasn’t all of it??” He asked, shocked.

Cas chuckled as he slid in a third, wet finger, his palm flattening out against his ass. “No, Dean. That was me being gentle.”

Dean groaned and exhaled a shaky breath. “I want it all. All of you, I can take it.”

“I know you can, sweetheart. You’re so good,  _ so _ good for me.” Cas fell silent as he gently nipped at the skin on his back, working him open and tracing his scars with his tongue. “Do you want me, baby?”

“Please, Castiel. I’ve been good. I’ll be your good boy.” Dean flushed from the words coming out of his mouth. “Shit.”  _ When did I become so needy? _

The moan that came out of Cas was fucking obscene. He withdrew his fingers and Dean shifted to get more comfortable as Cas coated his cock, and then for the second time, he pushed slowly inside of him. “Fuck, Dean. You  _ are _ my good boy, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Castiel.” He tensed and then remembered to breathe, slowly inhaling and exhaling.

He still moved slowly at first, allowing Dean time to adjust to the feeling of being completely full. But Cas hadn’t been exaggerating, he picked up his pace quicker than last time and  _ harder _ too. “Feel so good, sweetheart. So tight, feels fucking incredible to be inside of you.”

“It’s all yours, only yours. Shit, harder, please.” Dean whimpered and pushed back

Cas pinned Dean’s hips to the mattress and fucked into him with loud, echoing smacks. The low moans escaping him had Dean’s trapped cock throbbing, and he was close to asking Cas to ease up a little when he pulled out completely. 

“Roll over, I want to kiss you.”

Dean whimpered at the emptiness but rolled over and lifted his legs for Cas, his hard cock between them. “More.”

Cas tilted his head, reaching down to stroke himself but not going anywhere near Dean. “I’m sorry? I couldn’t quite hear you.”

_ Ah shit!  _ “Please! Please, Castiel more. Need you.” He stared into those beautiful ocean eyes and didn’t care how desperate he sounded.

“Good boy, that was much better.” Cas gripped Dean’s legs and wrapped them around his waist, then guided himself back inside of Dean. He didn’t move. “Tell me, Dean. Do you want it slow and sweet?” Cas rolled his hips and dropped down to kiss him, crowding him against the mattress with his entire body until all he knew was Cas and the long, slow grind. “Or...” Cas whispered against his lips, and then pulled back up and wrapped his hands around Dean’s legs to lift his ass up slightly. “Do you want me to  _ show _ you what a good boy you can be and how much you can really handle?”

“Show me ima good boy, please Castiel. I want all of you, every inch.” He was nervous, but he pushed away the doubt, he trusted Cas, with all of him.

Cas slammed into him, pulling back slowly and then slamming into him again. “Touch yourself, Dean. Show me how much you like it.”

“Okay...” He reached a shaky hand between them and wrapped it around his cock. “Fuck.” Dean kept a loose fist and let Cas’ thrusts do all the work. “Fucking love it! So fucking good, Castiel.”

Every time Dean said Cas’ full name, he fucked into him a little harder, a little faster. He grunted as one hand held him close around the waist and the other slid up to his neck. Cas didn’t squeeze, he just held it there, asking silent permission.

Dean groaned and leaned into his hand slightly, his eyes nearly rolling to the back of his skull. “Fuck... so close. Please...” he grunted.

Cas moaned his name and tightened his grip, his fingertips pressing into the sides of his neck hard enough to slow the blood flow but not enough to be painful. He pulled his hips up further and the angle change let right to that fucking thing inside his ass that made him see stars. “Come for me, Dean. Be my good boy.”

“Ah fuck!” Dean came, yelling out Castiel’s name as he emptied all over both of their stomachs.

The blood returned to his head as Cas released his grip, and a second later, Cas’ come spilled inside of him.

“Fuck yes...” Dean pulled Cas down and slammed their mouths together. It was even better this time and he loved the last.

He was left empty again after a moment and Cas pulled back with a satisfied smile. “Much better.”

Dean blinked the stars from his eyes and he looked down at the mess with a chuckle. “That was the best thing ever.”

“Mmm, so you liked being choked? I wasn’t sure if you would, and normally I prefer talking about that sort of thing before doing it, but...” Cas shrugged a little and kissed his jaw, then collapsed next to him. “It seems with you, I always get a little carried away.”

“I love feeling you get carried away, it helps that I trust you. Completely.” Dean touched his face. “Definitely try that choking thing again.”

He tilted his head to kiss Dean’s palm. “I can do that. But we should seriously talk about hard no’s and things of that nature. The last thing either of us needs is for me to get carried away with the wrong thing without checking first.”

“Okay how do I know what I don’t like unless I try it though? I mean as long as its not like water sports.”

“See, that’s a hard no. Those would be things you’re not willing to try, at all. Like... apparently getting peed on.” Cas grinned. “Things you’re pretty sure you won’t be into but are willing to try anyway are soft no’s.”

“Oh okay, so yeah, don’t pee on me please... or spit on me.” Dean met Cas’ eyes. “What are your hard no’s?”

“I need you to define spitting for me. Can I spit on your cock, or your ass if I don’t have lube? Or did you mean like... spitting  _ on _ you, like in your face?”

“My face yeah, where I grew up it was like the ultimate disrespect thing. I don’t know if I can let that go.”

Cas nodded. “No; that’s fine. It’s a little more specific than one of my hard no’s but would fall under it, which is degradation. I share your distaste for water play, and scat play too, but weirdly enough degradation is my hardest no. I would quite literally rather shit on your chest than lie to you and tell you you’re anything  _ but _ the most beautiful, funny, smart, wonderful, infuriatingly witty, talented man I’ve ever met.”

Dean chuckled. “You don’t gotta shit on my chest, I like the praise.” He blushed and put an arm over his eyes.

“Yes, I’ve noticed. I believe you’d consider that a kink, actually, which is more than fine by me.” He leaned over and gently bit Dean’s nipple. “You might want to go back to your room before Jimmy comes home, but wait a second first.” Cas scrambled off the bed to his dresser and grabbed his camera. “Do you mind?” 

He blushed and cleared his throat. “Stays with us, right? Forever?” 

Cas nodded. “Of course, do you think I’d ever allow anyone else to see you like this? Here, pull the sheet up over your waist.” 

Dean did as he was asked and tried to pose a little bit. “Like this?”

“Yes, exactly like that.” Cas took the picture and set the camera down, climbing back onto the bed with Dean. “You look incredible like this, I want to remember it always.” 

“Stoppit.” Dean slumped against the bed, not wanting to leave Cas. “You’re right about me goin’ back to my room, though.” He leaned over and kissed him before standing up slowly. “Ah, shit. Ass hurts.”

Cas frowned and then rolled over, digging around in his bedside table. He grabbed a small container and tossed it to him. “Here, go take a hot bath - yes, Dean, I said bath - soak for a little while and then apply some of that when you’re done. I’d do it for you, but...” He looked pained, like the thought of not being able to properly care for Dean actually hurt him.

Dean nodded. “Okay. Thanks. Um... I’ll miss you”

Cas stood and pulled him in, kissing him lovingly. “I’ll miss you more.” 

Dean went back to his room and felt off. He wasn’t sure why, but he had a feeling he would be fine if he could just stay with Cas for a while.  _ But fucking Jimmy would flip.  _ Dean paced his room before he decided to go on a run, he could take a bath when he got home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strikhedonia  
> [the joy of being able to say "the hell with it."]


	19. Fensterln

_“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”_

**-Pablo Neruda**

**Castiel**

He didn’t move until he heard the front door slam. He assumed it was Jimmy coming home, so he got dressed and shuffled out to meet him. But the living room and kitchen were both completely empty. No Jimmy, no Dean. 

“Dean?” he called out. 

No answer. The bathroom door was open and the light was still off, which meant Dean wasn’t doing what he was told. His bedroom door was open, too, which meant that the front door shutting wasn’t Jimmy coming back, it was Dean leaving. 

Cas frowned, curling up on the recliner and grabbing one of his books from the table. He knew Dean probably wouldn’t be thrilled about the prospect of taking a bath, but he hadn’t expected him to _leave._ Things with them were too new, and Dean running away was entirely too familiar for him to be comfortable with that. 

He debated calling Dean, or at least texting him, but he didn’t want to seem overbearing. Dean had said he didn’t want to get distracted, and while there was an iceberg’s worth more to the story than that… Cas assumed that at least played into it and didn’t want to give Dean any reasons to back out again. 

Jimmy came home after Cas had gotten through a couple of chapters of his favorite book, _On the Road_ by Jack Kerouac. He didn’t say much, just nodded to Cas and sunk down onto the couch after putting the Gatorade Cas had requested as a distraction on the counter. He looked horribly hungover, and Cas grinned to himself at the karma. _If I have to be miserable hiding my relationship from you, it serves you right._

Dean walked in a few minutes later, sweaty and limping. “You two just sitting in silence?”

Cas eyed Dean and frowned, because that did _not_ look like someone who had bathed and applied salve after getting brutally fucked. 

“It’s so damn loud when you’re around, figured we’d enjoy the silence while we could.” Jimmy smirked and threw a pillow at Dean. “What’s wrong with you? You look like you just ran a marathon.”

“I...” Dean blushed. “You’re louder than me, asshatt.” He limped over to grab a water. “Feels like I ran a marathon. Drank too much last night.”

“Seems silly to go on a run after a bath, Dean.” He tried to find the balance between innocent comment and accusation, and based on Jimmy’s complete lack of a response, he thought he succeeded.

“I didn’t take a bath.” Dean looked confused a moment before it clicked. “I uh... will though.” He averted his gaze and took a drink.

Cas kept his eyes on Dean. “It would have made you feel better. You know... after all the... _drinking.”_

Jimmy looked over at him and squinted. “Since when does taking a bath help with being hungover?”

“Since I _said_ so.” 

Dean’s eyes widened at Cas’ tone and he choked on his water. “You haven’t heard that, Jimbo?” He blushed and turned towards his room. “Ima go try it.”

“Yes... you do that.” Cas was grumpy about it, if they had to keep things a secret... the least Dean could do was take care of himself in Cas’ absence. 

Jimmy pointed at Dean’s back as he disappeared. “Hell, if it works, let me know. I could use some relief right about now.”

Under normal circumstances, Cas would have laughed at his misunderstanding, but right now he didn’t find it funny. He hated the thought of Dean being in pain, particularly when it was _his_ fault, and that run couldn’t have helped matters much. Something was going to have to give. 

~~~~

Now that Samhain was over - Halloween, whatever - Cas was back to his normal schedule. His weekends were still weird thanks to the games, but he was looking forward to the next one again which hadn’t happened in a few weeks. Abaddon was riding his ass about the quality of the last few articles, so he threw everything he had into making the one for the game on Oct 31st the best he’d ever written. She seemed satisfied by it, so even if it _wasn’t_ his best, it was still good enough. 

His classes were getting more intense, and he was trying to start preparing for his finals… but Dean was proving to be a most worthy distraction. Having to hide their relationship around Jimmy was already difficult and it had only been a few days, but it meant that pretty much every second they were alone, they were glued together. 

Cas’ first example of what a tantalizing distraction Dean could be came on Tuesday night. They’d barely seen each other on Monday, and between classes and practice, they didn’t lay eyes on each other until dinner Tuesday. Cas had cooked, and when they were finished eating, he sat down to try and study. With all the craziness between homecoming and Halloween, he barely remembered a thing he’d been taught. Someone had done the dishes - Dean, Jimmy… did it really matter? It wasn’t him - and he had been working his way through his _Foundations of Athletic Training Diagnosis_ book when the front door slammed shut and not three seconds later, his chair was sliding backward across the floor.

Dean climbed onto Cas’ lap, and Cas had to adjust his position to fit all of him. There was no reason the chair _shouldn’t_ collapse below them but by some miracle, it held. Dean buried his face in Cas’ neck and placed a single soft kiss on his jaw.

It was incredibly endearing, but honestly... he was _trying_ to study. “Dean, I’m not sure if you’re aware or not, but you’re very muscular and I can’t see over you.”

“Mmkay.” He slid his hands around Cas’ neck and didn’t move.

Cas had to fight the fluttering in his heart _and_ his stomach in favor of being rational. He turned his head to lightly kiss Dean, and then did the only rational thing he could think of... he started to work around him. He picked up his heavy textbook and braced it on Dean's shoulders, attempting to study the pages. He wasn't seeing much of anything, but hey... maybe his subconscious was picking up on something.

They stayed there a while before Dean finally sat up, he was blocking the book even more but his dumb grin was infectious. “Hi.”

"Hello, Dean." Cas blinked, holding onto his last shred of resolve even though he couldn't keep the slight smile off his face. "Can I help you?"

“Mmhm.”

Dean leaned in for a soft, slow kiss. It was the kind of kiss that had no right to work its way through every inch of his body, but it did it anyway. Cas' hands slid up Dean's back and the textbook clattered to the floor with a _thunk_ that he completely ignored. He pulled back slightly to look at him with a lazy smile. "I'm never going to get any work done with you kissing me like that."

“You can technically study any time... but we can’t kiss any time.” He grinned innocently, leaning in to kiss him again.

He had a point, but there were also _other_ things they couldn't do at any time, so Cas pulled back again. "As much as I would love to sit here and kiss you for the rest of the night, we need to talk about what happened."

A faint scowl played across Dean’s face, but disappeared as quickly as it came. “What’d I do now?” Dean squirmed off of Cas’ lap and walked over to the couch, and Cas frowned as he watched him go. 

"You didn't have to move, Dean." He got up and followed him, reversing their positions so Cas was straddling Dean's lap now. "Look, aftercare is important to me, and if I can't be with you to do it myself, I need to know that you'll listen to what I tell you to do."

“Was I a... bad boy?” He winked, obviously not taking this very seriously.

“Dean.” His frown deepened. “I’m serious. This could be a deal-breaker for me, at least until the end of the season and we don’t have to hide.”

Dean’s entire face fell. “Really? Are you breaking up with me?”

“No, no...” Cas leaned in and kissed him, but Dean barely returned it. He sighed and fisted his hands around the front of Dean’s shirt. “I’d rather get up in front of ten thousand people and tell a ghost story than break up with you, Dean. But I care about what happens to you after we have sex. Normally, I’d be there to take care of you myself. But since I can’t do that, I need you to do it for me and I just don’t feel like you’re taking that seriously.”

“I’m sorry. I will okay? Just... don’t leave me.” Dean mumbled the last three words, and it about broke Cas in half.

Cas tightened his grip and tilted their foreheads together. “I won’t, Dean. I promise. I just needed you to understand, and honestly... I don’t know how well I would cope if one of us wasn’t making sure you were okay afterward. I hate that it’s not me.”

“Why would I ever not be okay?” He asked curiously, reminding Cas that Dean knew nothing of subbing and aftercare.

"Because, Dean. With sex - particularly the brand of sex we have had and will have in the future - your body goes crazy with hormones. The good ones, like dopamine. But sometimes, those levels crash... particularly if someone is left alone afterward. When they drop too drastically, it's called sub drop. It's normal in the sense that it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you if you feel sad, or alone, or like you did something you shouldn't have afterward... but it can be lessened and even prevented altogether with aftercare. Hence... soaking in a hot bath and the salve I gave you. Those aren't the only things you can do, and they certainly wouldn't be the only things I would do if I was allowed to stay with you after, but it's a start." Cas kissed under each of Dean's eyes and then the tip of his nose.

“Okay Castiel. So if I ever feel sad, I promise to tell you.” Dean ran his hands down Cas’ back and gripped his ass. “Fuck, you’re so hot.”

Cas still wasn't sure Dean got the point, but that was absolutely the last of the talking they got through… and he _still_ wasn’t going to have a clue what his textbook had said. 

~~~~

Cas smiled to himself at the memory as he made his way into Poughkeepsie for work Thursday afternoon. Charlie was already there, and she’d taken care of the books and most of the other aesthetic jobs they had, and Cas was feeling too light to deal with anything more complicated. 

“Hey! I haven’t heard from you since the party I sort of _forgot_ to show up to. How’d it go?” Charlie’s cheeky smirk reminded him of the efforts she had put into their costumes. 

He thought about telling her the truth outright - she’d never judge Dean, and she was convinced Dean wasn’t straight long before anyone else knew it - but her sneaky assistance called for a little bit of teasing first. “It was great, Ishim really liked the costume you made for me… _particularly_ the design scheme. We’re going out this weekend.” 

Charlie’s face fell. “What the _shit_ do you mean, Ishim? What did D -” she looked around to make sure they weren’t going to be overheard, and then lowered her voice. “What did Dean say?”

Cas shrugged. “He was a little too busy sucking face with my ex to say much of anything, honestly.” 

Sheer, total horror, replaced quickly by skepticism. “Nope. No way. That didn’t happen.” 

“Actually, it did. That’s not the whole story, of course, but… it happened.” 

She actually _shoo’d_ someone away and then pulled Cas into an empty room. “Cas, I’m so sorry. I never -”

“It’s okay, Charlie. Seriously.” _Okay, enough is enough._ He grinned. “It worked out. Ishim did hit on me, but I couldn’t go through with it and neither could Dean. He told me he loves me.” He was smiling so wide his eyes were practically closed. He couldn’t help it, everything about Dean made him smile but nothing more so than the memory of him telling Cas that he loved _all_ of him. 

Charlie swooned and then clapped excitedly. “I _knew_ it! Can I say ‘I told you so’? I’m gonna say it anyway. I _told you so!”_ She smacked his arm and was beaming at him, which only made him feel even better. 

“We’re not telling anyone though, so you have to keep it to yourself. Apparently, my brother decided his football career was more important than my happiness and general well-being, which was _one_ of the reasons this didn’t happen sooner. I don’t think Dean wanted to come between me and Jimmy, but honestly… that’s ridiculous. We’re twins, we’d have forgiven each other eventually.” Cas shrugged one shoulder and glanced back out into the main room, then turned back to her. “Seriously, Charlie. Don’t even tell Dean that you know, I shouldn’t have even told _you,_ but you’re… different.” 

“And you bitches better never forget it.” She poked him in the chest and then grinned. “Did you like his pants? He bought the right size, but I had a pair of my own so I swapped them when he wasn’t looking.” 

Cas chuckled, nodding his head. “Yes, of course you did. Listen, while I’ve got you, do you need any shifts covered coming up? I need to pick up some extras.” 

She sighed at the seriously boring shift in conversation and started walking back out to the front. “Sure, I can give you a couple of the ones we don’t share already. How many do you need?”  
  


_How much does the moon cost?_ “I’m just saving up for Christmas, so whatever you’re willing to spare. The more, the better… but I understand I’m not the only one with presents to buy.” 

Charlie nodded. “Yeah, sure. I’ll take a look and let you know.” She started to ask him what he was going to get Dean when Jaskier, Benny and Granikowski walked in. He didn’t particularly want to see _any_ of them, least of all Jask, and Charlie knew that. She drew their attention to her and allowed Cas to slip back by the vending machines and out of sight. 

He was going to owe _her_ one hell of a Christmas present. 

**Dean**

It took about two minutes with Charlie for Dean to realize that she knew. It wasn’t that she spilled the beans on purpose, but she normally would ask how the party went and this time, she didn’t. Not only that, when Dean bitched about the tight pants, she said “You should be thanking me” and then covered her mouth, so yeah, she definitely knew. He sent Castiel a quick “ _Charlie… really?”_ text but he honestly didn’t care. It was actually nice that Cas had someone to talk to about it, and it made him realize that _he_ should have someone to talk to as well.

He considered Sam, but Dean truly wasn’t ready for that conversation just yet and all his other friends were Jimmy’s friends first. The only choice was Garth, and he was definitely as good a choice as any. Dean not only knew that their secret would be safe with him, but he would be ecstatic. 

Not like that knowledge kept him from being nervous.

“What’s up, hombre? You seem troubled.” Garth sat across from Dean in his dorm room.

“Hombre?” Dean sneezed and itched his eyes.

“Don’t hate… and don’t change the subject, Bess will be here soon and I know you won’t talk then. Spit it out or I’ll hug you.” Garth sat up straighter. “Something happen with Cas?”

“Maybe.” He blushed, _fucking shit always gives me away!_

“Spill. Deets. Go.”

“Can’t even make a full sentence? Alright, well, long story short, he tried to fuck someone else and couldn’t do it because he loves me. I kissed… someone and hated it because… well, I love him too.” 

“Jiminy Cricket, I knew it was love!” 

Dean flushed and stood up. “Lose the heart eyes, Garth yo-”

_Meow!_

“The hell... is that a cat?!”

Garth giggled and picked up the plump, orange, flat faced tabby. “It’s Mr. Fizzles.” He held him out for Dean to pet him.

Dean held up his hands. “No… I’m more of a dog person.” He sneezed again. “See.”

“Oh no, you’re allergic.”

“Ding ding. Ima head out.” Dean sneezed one last time just as Bess walked in.

“Hi Dean… oh no, allergies? I have some medicine in my purse.” She started digging around in her giant red Hermione handbag.

“S’okay Bess. Nice to see you, but I was heading out anyway.” 

She pulled him in for a hug. “Still on for Friendsgiving?”

Dean smiled and shimmied out of her grip. “Course. Four of us, right?”

“Four? Hmm? Who’s the lucky guy?” Dean blushed, because he knew Garth had probably told her, but it was still going to rank up there in Dean’s embarrassing moments. She gasped. “No way. Cas?!” She jumped in excitement and hugged him again. “Oh, I’m so happy for you.” She let go and hugged Garth. 

“Well… this has been thoroughly embarrassing. I’m going to go… anywhere else. See you guys in a couple weeks.” Dean rushed out of his dorm, but telling Garth felt… _amazing._ All he could think about, is how it would feel to finally be completely out of the closet.

“Hey handsome.” _Fuck…_

Dean offered a fake smile. “Hey, Bela.”

She looked at his neck and Dean knew what her eyes had locked on, Cas had left a small, faint hickey yesterday. “Who’s the lucky lady?”

“Uhh…” Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Doesn’t go here.” He mumbled.

“What was that?” She stepped in closer.

“I said… she doesn’t go here.” _She… so much for coming out._

“Shame. Well if things don’t work out, you know where to find me.” She winked and turned to walk away, and Dean felt like a complete asshole. Castiel deserved so much more.

~~~~

“Winchester! Get off my field ya idjit!” Coach Singer yelled. If this was a real game, that would have been Dean’s _third_ penalty but thankfully, it was practice - not that that would save his ass. 

He jogged off and pulled off his helmet. “Sorry coach, I-”

“Save it! If I wanted some half-assed excuse I’d ask for it. Sit your ass down and take a breather.” He walked off, mumbling something under his breath about how he’s surrounded by morons. 

Jimmy jogged over and slapped his shoulder pad. “I think there’s still a few more penalties you can get, if you’re trying to set a record.”

“Fuck off, James.” 

“What’s the matter? Can’t find your… _spark?”_

“Spark? Really wanna go there, one hit _thunder?”_

Jimmy laughed it off and jogged back on the field.

Dean couldn’t figure out what the fuck was wrong. He wasn’t _distracted_ \- the word alone felt like a betrayal to Cas since he vowed he’d _never_ say those words to him again - but something was up. 

Today alone, Dean would have gotten a holding, pass interference and a face mask penalty. _What the fuck is going on?_

Dean decided to go on a jog around the field to clear his mind. His patience was wearing thin, but he couldn’t figure out why. Yeah, he and Cas couldn’t spend all day together and yeah he missed him, but that couldn’t be it. Dean never lost his patience with Cas, just every other person around him. Speaking of, _Loreal Morningstar_ was making his way over. _Awesome._

Jask looked around cautiously before speaking. “Hey, you lookin’ for a new roommate?”

Dean furrowed his brows. “What? Why would you ask that?” 

“Halloween… thought the Novaks would kick you out. My bed, I mean _dorm,_ is always open.” He winked.

Dean huffed. “Yeah, gonna have to pass, big boy. They didn’t kick me out, but I imagine they would if I slept in _your_ bed.”

“Who said anything about sleep? I can tell you’re stressed, so am I. We can help each other.”

“Not a good time, Jask. I’m really not in the mood for banter and shit right now.”

“Got it.” Jask turned to walk away. “You know where to find me if you change your mind. I, for one, wanna see what happens in part two.” 

~~~~

Dean couldn’t take it. It had been over a day since Jimmy left the damn house and Dean needed to sleep in Cas’ bed, even if it was just for a while. He popped out the screen of his window, slid outside, - _thank god this is a one story -_ made his way to Cas’ window and tapped lightly. He really should have texted first, but he didn’t even bring his phone. He just needed Castiel.

The curtain moved to reveal a very apprehensive Cas, and he looked adorable with his hair sticking up all over the place and his boxers twisted to the side. His eyes widened when he saw Dean and he opened the window quickly. “What the hell are you doing? It’s freezing out there.” He hurried to loosen the screen and then set it down inside.

Dean climbed in and pulled him in for a kiss, running his hands all over his body. “Fucking miss you.”

Cas laughed quietly against his lips and blindly reached over to shut the window. “I missed you too, but Jimmy’s room is far enough away you could’ve just used the door.” He tackled Dean onto the bed and settled between his legs, kissing over his jaw.

“Maybe I wanted to surprise my _boyfriend_ a little.” Dean realized what word he used and then flushed. “Hey, I have a boyfriend.”

“Yes, and just in case you’ve forgotten... it’s me. I’m your boyfriend. Castiel.” He peppered kisses across Dean’s neck between words until he was kissing him fully again.

“Could never forget that.” Dean flipped them and rolled over so he was straddling Cas. “I wanna try this one next time.” He moved his hips a little, hoping Cas knew what he meant and by the way Cas’ breath hitched and he gripped Dean’s thighs, he got the message. 

He smirked and slid his hand up under Dean’s shirt. “I fully intend to hold you to that, if my brother ever leaves us alone again.”

“He’s being a real... dark cloud... eh?” He wiggled his eyebrows with a grin. “Get it?”

Cas blinked and then reached a hand up to cover Dean’s face. “That was a terrible pun, you’re fired.”

Dean had to bite back his laugh. “That was an awesome pun, _you’re_ fired.” He rolled off Cas and cuddled in close.

Between the blankets and Cas himself, Dean was wrapped up in seconds. “I’ll forgive you for the bad joke if you stay with me tonight.”

“Couldn’t pay me to leave, babe.” Dean closed his eyes and puckered his lips.

Cas kissed him and stayed close, settling down. “You’re right, I’m broke.” He laughed almost silently and then the dork actually _shushed_ himself. Dean wasn’t sure about Cas, but he was _positive_ he would sleep much better now that they were together. They could worry about Dean sneaking out in the morning.

~~~~

Dean was going to have to utilize the windows again, since they could hear Jimmy watching tv in the living room but unless he came specifically looking for Dean, they had a few moments for morning cuddles. “Don’t wanna go.”

Cas hummed and kissed his chest. “I should look into getting my room sound proofed.” The little nerd was hard as a rock, pressing into Dean’s thigh. “I had a _very_ interesting dream.”

Dean grinned and reached down to grab it. “Yeah? Show me.” He shifted so he could pull Cas on top of him.

“Mmm, I can’t.” Cas’ voice was wrecked from sleep and arousal as he hovered over Dean, leaning down to bite his neck and thrusting lazily into his hand. “We were in the locker room.”

“Oh fu- I’ve had that one before.” Dean bared his neck and closed his eyes, his cock fully on board for whatever Cas was willing to give him.

“Yeah?” He licked a line up Dean’s throat and reached down, pulling Dean’s dick into his hand alongside Cas’ as he kept moving. “Don’t let go.” Cas lifted up a little, bracing his arms on either side of Dean and staring down to where they were sliding against each other. “I didn’t even wait until you had your uniform off. I bent you over with your pads on and fucked you till you were coming in your jock strap.”

Dean groaned louder than he should have. He wanted that so fucking bad, it was probably his number one fantasy since he was in high school and he truly never thought it would be possible. His hips started to move with Cas involuntarily and one glance down had him moaning loudly again.

“Shh, sweetheart.” Cas leaned down to kiss him, slowing his thrusts. “I need you to be quiet for me.” He reached his hand down to join Dean’s, brushing his thumb through the pools of precome and then bringing it up to Dean’s mouth. “Suck, baby. That should keep you quiet for a minute.”

Dean parted for Cas’ thumb and sucked it in, his tongue sliding up and down the soft pad. He closed his eyes, trying to keep quiet.

A wet tongue flicked over his nipple and he jerked as Cas whispered, “You really are a good boy.” Cas sped up again, moaning softly as their cocks slid together in Dean’s hand.

A chill traveled down Dean’s spine at the praise and he gripped their cocks a little too eagerly before loosening again. Their dicks felt so good in his hand he was surprised he lasted longer than thirty seconds.

“I’m close, Dean. That dream...” Cas kissed him deeply, rolling his hips and moaning into his mouth. “I need it. Need to have you like that, bent over the bench in the middle of your locker room after a game, with your body still coated in sweat and your -” Cas’ fevered whispers cut off abruptly as his hips stuttered. 

Hot, thick jizz spurted out from Cas’ cock as Dean kept stroking, smearing the mess all over both of them. The sinful, wet sound of him jacking off with Cas’ come sent shockwaves through his entire body, and he moaned so loudly Cas clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle the noise until he finally stilled. 

_Fuck, why was that so goddamn hot?_

Clean-up was mainly just Cas kissing every square inch of his body while he pretended to wipe him down with a towel. “So. We’re having locker room sex soon?”

Dean flushed and sat up. “Umm how? There’s _always_ someone in there.” He pictured the things Cas was saying and shivered. “I want to, we just...” Dean paused, trying to think of a solution.

Cas grinned. “We’ll figure something out, you’ll find I can be quite resourceful when needed. I just wanted to make sure you’d be interested first.”

Dean nodded, wide-eyed. “Yes, very.” He thought a moment and then felt dumb, but he had to ask. “Did you and... Jask already try it?” He played with Cas’ comforter to avoid his gaze.

“No. We talked about it, it’s something that _I_ wanted to do, but... Jaskier never seemed thrilled with the idea. Something about not ‘shitting where you eat,’ which seemed both a gross and misplaced metaphor, but he was never the brightest.” Cas laid back down and draped his arm over Dean’s chest, looking up at him with a raised eyebrow that looked a little like a teasing accusation. “For someone that was supposed to be my sub, he rarely actually listened to me. Sound familiar?”

Dean relaxed slightly. He had no idea why he felt so insecure about Jask. Maybe it was because he was so open with his sexuality and he and Cas had to be a complete secret? He wasn’t positive but the idea that they could do something Jask and Cas didn’t do made him feel lighter. “Um... yeah he doesn’t listen well.” _Shit... he was talking about that damn bath again wasn’t he._

“No, he doesn’t.” Cas grinned and kissed his jaw. “Neither do you, but I’m a little more willing to put up with it from you.”

“Don’t tell me that, I’m a slacker, Castiel. But I don’t wanna be... not for you. I wanna be...” He pulled the blanket back up to cover his face, mumbling, “your good boy.”

Cas chuckled and climbed on top of Dean again, yanking the blanket back down so he could look at him. “And you are... mostly. I think the difference is that your disobedience makes it more satisfying when you actually _do_ listen, whereas with Jaskier...” Cas trailed off and looked like he was struggling to find words. “It was like he did it on purpose, just to remind me that when we weren’t having sex, he was ‘better’ than me.” The air quotes were adorable, even if the sentiment wasn’t. “With you, I know you’re just used to taking care of yourself and you’re not doing it because you think you’re above me. It makes a difference.”

Dean ran his hands up Cas’ back lovingly. “I’m not, you’re so fucking above me I should kneel in your presence.” _Jask is a fucking idiot._ “His loss.” Dean ran his thumb along Cas’ cheek.

His face flushed and his pupils expanded as he sucked in a small breath. “Would you, Dean? Would you kneel for me? Not because I’m above you, that’s ridiculous and completely incorrect, but...” Cas licked his lips. “I’d be lying if I said the thought of you on your knees wasn’t incredibly alluring.”

Dean grinned and bit his lip. “You’d like that huh? I’d kneel for you any time, Castiel. I’d kneel next to your bed and just wait for you to come home from work.”

 **  
** Judging by the look on Cas’ face... he was _definitely_ gonna have to try that. But before they could discuss it further, Jimmy yelled out “Coffee!” Reminding them that Dean still had to sneak back to his damn room. They stole a few more kisses before Dean slid outside Cas’ window and practically skipped back to his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fensterln  
> [climbing through someone’s window to have sex with them without others knowing about it]


	20. Paroxysm

_“What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.”_

**\- Anton Chekhov**

**Castiel**

Secret or not, dating Dean was the most fun Cas had ever had. It had been all of two weeks since Halloween, but he’d smiled more in that period than he did the entire time he was with Jaskier - or anyone else, for that matter. Dean was absolutely, positively, everything he’d ever wanted, and he had never felt luckier in his life. 

But, even dating someone like Dean came with its challenges. The secrecy was hard, his refusal to listen was infuriating, and worst of all… he made a _huge_ mess when baking. 

Cas blinked at Dean. “Are you… serious? How did you manage to get that much flour all over yourself? I only put two and a half cups of it in the bowl. You look like a ghost.” 

“Your hair looks like a ghost, you really want to compare flour messes, grandpa?” Dean reached over and ruffled the flour out of Cas’ hair.

He grinned. “It’s your fault. I don’t know how, but it is.” Cas leaned in and kissed Dean, grateful that Jimmy was safely tucked away at Ophelia’s for the weekend. “But, if we don’t stop wasting flour, we won’t have enough to make the Friendsgiving pies... or the extra three that we’re making just for you.”

Dean smiled in that obnoxiously cute way he does when he doesn’t show any teeth. “Just for me? Aww. Sounds like you have a crush on me or something.”

“Nonsense.” Cas wrinkled his nose and playfully bumped Dean as he made his way over to re-measure the flour and salt for the dough. “If you’re going to be more of a hindrance than a help, the least you could do is take your shirt off so I have something to look at.”

Dean bit his lip confidently and pulled off his shirt, his hair sticking up on end. “Better?”

He was sure he could live a thousand years and never get tired of looking at Dean. Every inch of him was gorgeous, and it still dumbfounded Cas that Dean was his. He nodded slowly and walked over, kissing him lazily and running his hands over Dean’s sides, feeling the hard muscles and smooth lines.

Dean loved the affection, maybe even more than the praise. He returned the kiss and nuzzled into Cas’ neck.

The pies were barely even started, but... they didn’t need them until the next day. He held Dean close, leaning up on his toes a little to compensate for the slight height difference. “How do we ever manage to stay away from each other?”

“Dunno. It’s hard, I want to touch you all damn day.” Dean kissed his nose.

Cas’ glasses fogged up from the proximity and he laughed, his body doing stupid, jittery things at cuteness of the entire thing. _How is it possible that Dean... the fighter, the star safety, the one who sees fireworks but hears nightmares... is not only mine, but so incredibly sweet?_ He giggled, and then his face flushed because it was the least manly thing he’d ever done. “Stop it.”

“No, you stop it.” Dean said in a mocking tone, poking Cas in the ribs.

He pulled his glasses off and rubbed his eyes, grinning behind his hands. “I can’t. I’m not sorry.” He walked back over and continued with the pies, adding in the butter they’d cubed and mixing it together.

Dean walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around his belly, kissing along his neck and sending goosebumps all over his body.

“You must not want this pie very badly.” Cas turned his head to kiss him, absolutely losing motivation to do anything but sink against Dean... _into_ Dean... whatever. “I’m trying to concentrate.”

“Don’t mind me. Keep going.” He nipped Cas’ neck. “Nothing to see here.”

"I beg to differ." He tilted his head and breathed out slowly, loving the way Dean's lips felt on his skin. "Have you seen yourself?"

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m kinda hot.” He huffed a laugh. “I’m just not my type.”

Cas chuckled. "Thank the gods, otherwise I'd be very, very sad." He pulled slightly out of Dean's grip but not all the way as he started to add the ice water to form the dough. "Stand still until I'm done with this, if I add too much it won't come out right."

“Fine.” Dean listened, although he looked physically pained to not be groping Cas in some way.

"You could start peeling the apples, you know." Cas nodded his head toward the bowl and then gave Dean a small smile. "Although, I'm almost tempted to do all of the work just so your hands stay on my body.”

Dean grinned and walked over to the apples. “Sooner this is done the sooner I can blow you in the kitchen surrounded by the smell of apple pie.”

He didn't need the extra tension in those already too-tight sweatpants, but there it was anyway. Cas shifted on his feet, unable to do much else with his hands deep in what would soon be the pie crust, and glanced at Dean out of the corner of his eye. "Do you enjoy giving me awkward boners? Now I'm going to have to serve this pie to poor Bess, knowing the state I was in when I made it."

Dean laughed out loud and scratched his forehead, smearing the flour even more. “I actually really _do_ like your boners. I like... how it looks in fabric... any fabric. Also bare.” He turned back toward his apples.

Cas rolled his eyes with a grin and then placed the ball of dough into the fridge before moving over to help Dean with the apples. "You peel, I'll core and slice. Baking before blowjobs."

“Deal.” Dean started peeling faster, bumping Cas with his hips. “I can’t wait to taste you again.”

He dropped the apple he was holding but caught it quickly before it hit the table, then smiled to himself at the fact that his tight-end reflexes were still sharp despite no longer playing. "Then peel faster, the second that pie is in the oven... I want you on your knees with your mouth open."

Dean chewed his lip and hummed. “You got it.” He moved his legs to adjust his boner without touching himself.

_Good. Serves him right._ They prepared the apples pretty quickly and then Cas turned to preheat the oven and began mixing together the sugar, flour, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg and lemon juice. He tossed the apples in and then washed his hands quickly. "Can you grab the dough from the fridge?"

“Yes, Castiel.” He turned and grabbed the dough, handing it to Cas and then went to wash his hands, and Cas couldn’t quit staring at them. Dean’s hands were nearly as incredible as his mouth, and the second the pie was in… all three of those would be wrapped around his cock.

Cas knew he was moving a little faster than he should, but he truly did his best to flatten out the dough into the pie pan. He only lost one apple slice as he poured the mixture in and then he quickly covered it up, added the egg wash and sugar, then vented the crust. He was bouncing in front of the oven, waiting for the ding to let him know it was time to put it in.

Behind him, Dean had already dropped to his knees and was patiently waiting for Cas. His hands were tapping his thighs to some beat in his head as he watched Cas closely.

He nearly didn't make it. Seeing Dean like that took all rationality from his brain and threw it right out the window, and he couldn't even blame himself. When the light flipped on the oven signaling that it was hot enough, he carefully placed the pie pan on the rack and closed the door, stepping back to take a deep breath. He set the timer for 55 minutes and then finally, _finally_ allowed himself to face Dean fully, and he stopped tapping and sat up straighter. 

“Hi.”

Cas slowly tugged at the drawstring on his sweatpants until the bow loosened and came apart. He stepped forward to stand right in front of Dean and watched with a satisfied smile as Dean dropped his jaw and stuck his tongue out. 

“You’ve been good today, Dean. Teasing… but good. So patient during all of that. As a reward, I’ll let you choose how this goes.” He ran his thumb over Dean’s bottom lip and then dipped it inside of his mouth. “Do you want me to grab your hair and shove my cock in your tight little throat, using you as I see fit? Or would you rather I held still and let you see how fast you can get me off all on your own?”

Dean flushed and cleared his throat. “Uh... I want you to...” - the flush darkened - “U-Use me.”

His entire body visibly shuddered as he lowered the waistband of his pants to set his cock free. “Good boy. If you need me to stop, double-tap my thigh, or push me off. Do you understand?” 

“Yes, Castiel.” Dean swallowed as he took in the sight of Cas’ length and then opened his mouth again, inching closer on his knees and darting his tongue out to flick across the tip like he couldn’t get it fast enough. 

Cas let him go like that for a moment, eager to make sure Dean got whatever he was looking for out of this. When his lips wrapped around the tip of his cock, he slid in fully. “Good, now hold still.” He was thrown off-kilter for a moment by the immense heat and delicious pressure surrounding him, but he found his rhythm quicker than he thought he would. One hand fisted in Dean’s hair to roughly guide his head as the other gripped his shoulder, pushing and pulling while thrusting until Dean’s body was pliant and his needy moans were vibrating around Cas’ cock. He paid close attention to his own thighs, fingertips digging into them hard enough to bruise but not tapping - he got the sense Dean wanted this too badly to tap out. 

“Fuck, sweetheart. Your mouth feels so good.” He bit his bottom lip and locked eyes with Dean, heat coursing through his body at the way Dean’s cheeks stretched and then hollowed out around him. The slide felt _so fucking good_ he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stay standing through it all, but if Dean could be good for him, he could be good for Dean. “You’re so beautiful like this, Dean…” He thrust in too roughly and Dean’s teeth grazed against the bottom of his shaft, causing him to suck in a breath and stall for a moment - but fuck, even _that_ felt good. Like a little pulse of lightning… _how fitting._ Dean looked alarmed when Cas stopped and mumbled something incoherent, so Cas took a moment to gently guide his hand through Dean’s hair and rub his scalp. “Shh, baby. I just don’t want this to be over yet. Be a good boy and stay still, you’ll taste me soon enough.” 

Dean straightened up and held still, so Cas began moving again. This time, he pressed deeper, dipping past the tight squeeze of Dean’s throat until he was fully seated in his mouth. He held Dean’s head against his pelvis and heaved a breath, getting lost in the all-consuming feeling. It took a moment, but Dean started squirming so Cas pulled all the way out, stroking himself in front of Dean’s face as he let him catch his breath. 

  
“Cas- Castiel, I -”

“Shh, Dean.” His eyes were glued to the puffiness of Dean’s lips, the saliva and precome dripping onto his chin… the faint tears pricking the corners of his eyes from the recent lack of oxygen. He twisted his hand, stroking faster and using his grip to keep Dean’s head close to him. “I wish you could… see yourself right now… so fucking _wrecked…_ you’re so -” He came with a growl, the tip of his cock smacking against Dean’s open mouth and splattering come all over his gorgeous face. The sight alone was enough to drag an aftershock out of him. 

Dean flinched slightly when some landed just below his eye, but instead of pulling away he hissed and grabbed his cock. _“ Shit!”_

“Stand up.” He didn’t wait for Dean to move, he hauled him up from under his arm and half-dragged him over to the study table. With one movement, he flung his papers and books onto the floor and then turned to kiss Dean - but it wasn’t really a kiss, it was a heated, frenzied attempt to lick every drop of his own spend from Dean’s flushed skin. Dean was shaking slightly and fumbling with his own pants, pushing them down as Cas continued his quest. A few charged seconds later, Dean was kicking his jeans and boxers across the floor and sweeping him back into a kiss. 

Cas slid his hands down Dean’s muscled back, past the perfect, luscious curves of his ass until he was gripping the back of his thighs and lifting him off the ground. Dean landed on the table with only a heartbeat’s break in their kiss, and Cas began jerking him almost violently. Dean whined and whimpered into his mouth, causing Cas’ spent cock to stir feebly. He flatted his palm on Dean’s chest and shoved him back until he was laying flat on the table. 

“My turn.” 

Dean let out a strangled moan as Cas swallowed him whole, pushing past his slight gag reflex and ignoring his protesting throat as he bobbed and sucked like a starved animal. Without even thinking about it, he raised his arm up until his fingers were pressing into the sides of Dean’s neck, just applying enough pressure to get the reaction he wanted. Dean’s hips bucked and he struggled to gain footing on the edge of the table with his bent legs, but his hand was tightly gripping Cas’ forearm. 

He had control, he had a way to push Cas off... if that was what he wanted. 

It wasn’t, and he made that clear almost immediately by forcing Cas’ hand to tighten. His tongue flicked and roved under the underside of Dean’s pulsing cock and Dean let out the most beautifully desperate sound as he came, every last drop sneaking down Cas’ throat. 

Dean went limp on that table as Cas released his neck and pulled off slowly, peppering kisses down the inside of his spread thighs. 

Right on cue, the timer dinged behind him. Cas chuckled as he planted a final kiss to the tip of Dean’s sensitive cock and then pulled back, his hair a mess but exchanging very satisfied smiles with Dean. 

“I think the pie is done.” 

~~~~

Somehow, they managed to get the pies all baked that night. It took them way longer than Cas had anticipated, but honestly… he should’ve known that baking pies alone with Dean would lead to a much different sort of mess. The next morning, they had nearly as hard of a time just getting dressed and putting the pies in the reusable bag. They ended up rutting against each other on the couch until they _both_ ended up coming in their pants, which led to second showers and full outfit changes. 

A full forty-five minutes late, they finally left the house. Cas had insisted they walk, it was unseasonably warm for mid-November and the dorms were only about a half a mile away. And, if that night happened to be a full moon, well…

All the better. 

**Dean**

Dean felt slightly domestic as they knocked on the door for Friendsgiving. Cas looked handsome as hell and Dean wished he could proudly hold his hand, at least they wouldn’t have to hide here. “Oh um... Garth and Bess both know we- hey... buddy!” Garth opened the door and ushered them inside.

Cas stepped in behind Dean and tugged on his jacket. “What?”

“I- they, know... you know.” He motioned between them, glanced at Garth and Bess before pulling Cas in for a kiss. This was the first time he didn’t have to hide, he still blushed and felt his stomach do a somersault but he was finally kissing his _boyfriend_ in front of other people, it felt amazing.

It took a second for Cas to recover from the shock, but he returned the kiss without getting overly gross about it. He pulled back and smiled at Dean, then at Garth and Bess. “He must really like you, he barely even told _me_ we were dating.”

Dean rubbed the back of his neck and he shrugged. “They both kinda guessed.”

Garth smiled at them as Bess took the bag of pies from Cas. “I’m really happy for both of you guys. You’re always welcome here if you need a place where you don’t need to hide.” 

“Just... call first,” Bess said with a wink. “Goodness, fellas, how many pies did you bake?”

“There are more than that back home. I made a couple of extras so Dean didn’t turn into a werewolf or something trying to fight you guys for leftovers.” Cas leaned into Dean’s side and looked up at him. “I actually.... enjoyed the baking process.”

Dean’s eyes widened at the memory and he choked on his spit. “We didn’t... the pies are sanitary.” _Bad joke, goddammit!_

Bess glanced at Garth with an uneasy expression, but Cas jumped in. “I’m sorry, that was a terribly timed attempt at making him blush. No double-entendres intended, he’s just adorable when he gets flustered.” 

She relaxed and nodded toward the table. “Garth gets like that too, sometimes. Dinner should be here soon, I ordered about thirty minutes ago, you guys are late.” Bess smiled knowingly, and Garth whispered way too loudly, “C’mon, honey, we said we wouldn’t embarrass them.”

Dean blushed harder. “Does your bathroom have a window? Ima go jump out of it.” He ducked out of the room to gather his thoughts. He splashed some water on his face and took a breath before walking back out. _Time to brave the werewolves... dammit, Cas is rubbing off on me._

Cas and Garth were having a hushed conversation that he couldn’t quite make out, but Bess shoved some paper plates and napkins into his hands before he could get closer. “Can you set these on the table please?”

“Yes ma’am.” Dean took the plates and set them out, sneezing twice. “Where is it?” He looked around frantically.

Garth chuckled. “Relax, Dean-Bean, Mr. Fizzles is in my room. I have some allergy meds if you’d like some... I figured you might need them.”

Cas suddenly looked confused and glanced around the room. “Okay, having a dorm big enough for a bathroom and nearly a full dining room was one thing, but they let you have a cat? Who’d you have to pay off for that one?”

“Oh, no one. It was _all_ Snap and Crackle.” Garth gestured to his meaty calf muscles. “They threw in the fancy dorm to sweeten the deal.”

Cas eyed Garth’s legs with a frown. “Okay; I’ll bite. Where’s Pop?” 

The doorbell rang, and Bess jogged over to open it and get the pizzas they’d ordered while saying, “Trust me, don’t ask!”

Dean laughed. “See Cas! Other people name their...” He stopped himself when he remembered they were around people.

Everyone laughed, but it was comfortable, not judgmental. Bess set the pizzas down on the table and Cas came back over to kiss him. “You’re adorable, and thank you for reminding me that we still need to think of a new name, because the one you chose is ridiculous.”

“What are you talking about? He’s named after the greatest friggen musician of all time. You haven’t had any complaints about his... _Night Moves.”_ Dean wiggled his eyebrows and winked but before Cas could say whatever comment was on the tip of his tongue, Dean shushed him and leaned in for another kiss, not wanting to stop.

Cas certainly didn’t make him, but after a few moments, Garth cleared his throat. Cas turned but stayed close, sliding his hand down Dean’s arm and toying with his fingers. “I won’t apologize, have you _seen_ him?” 

Bess smiled and nudged Garth. “We were like that not so long ago.”

“Be happy we’ve had a full day to ourselves, Dean has a tendency to climb into my lap and smother me when he feels like we’ve been apart too long. Might make for an awkward dinner.” Cas looked back at Dean with one of the fondest expressions he’d ever seen, and Bess actually _aww’d._

Dean rolled his eyes. “Alright, alright.” He walked over to the pizza to dig in, rubbing his hands together. “Happy Pie Day!”

Cas frowned. “But... it’s November. Pi Day is in March, not... oh.” Realization slowly dawned on his face and he sighed heavily. “As you were.”

Dean returned that fond, lovestruck expression. “God, I love you. Dig in, nerd.”

Cas held Dean’s gaze with a clearly fake, grumpy expression and stole a piece of pepperoni from his slice, then pulled it from his fingers to his mouth with his tongue. “That’s ‘Castiel’ to you, _meathead.”_

Dean watched Cas’ mouth and gulped. “Yes, Castiel.” He attempted to whisper it, but from the way Bess and Garth turned away quickly to go ‘check on the cat’, Dean was sure they heard.

Friendsgiving ended up being one of the best days of Dean’s life. All the other _best_ days were also with Castiel, and Dean felt his chest tighten when he realized that fact. Cas was the best thing to ever happen to him and being there, able to touch his hand and kiss him whenever he wanted was liberating. _One day... One day, I won’t hide anymore. One day, I’ll be the man Castiel deserves._ Dean lifted his hand up to his lips after they finished some apple pie, and kissed it. “Thank you for making extra, I definitely want pie for breakfast.”

“I know.” Cas squeezed his hand and turned to Garth and Bess. “Thank you for hosting and being so accepting of us. We… we needed this.” He returned the hand kiss. “But we should go, Jimmy will be back tomorrow and we have some… _studying_ to do in the meantime.” Dean frowned and opened his mouth to speak but Cas lifted his eyebrow and Dean instantly understood.

“Studying, right. We should go do that.” Dean stood and bumped the table slightly. “Sorry.” 

“Thank you guys. I’ve always wanted to host a Friendsgiving but _my_ old dorm is much smaller.” Bess put an arm around Garth. “We mean it, if you ever need a place to get away and not hide, just give us a call. You both deserve this happiness all of the time.” 

After some forced hugs, they made their way out into the crisp autumn air. They didn’t bring coats since it wasn’t a far walk but now they were regretting it. Dean shoved his hands in his pockets and they picked up the pace but when he saw how much Cas was shivering he felt like he _had_ to help. Dean did a quick look around the second they were off campus and then wrapped an arm around Cas. “Come here.” He could feel Cas’ hesitance but even more, he felt how big this small gesture was for him. Cas didn’t want to hide, that was for Dean.

As they approached the house, Cas was watching the moon as they walked and Dean knew he would spend all night watching it if he could. “How about we get some blankets and go in the backyard for a bit? We could keep each other warm.”

The smile on Cas’ face was worth more than a million dollars. “I’d really love that, Dean.” 

Dean and Castiel may not have a bunch of things in common, but what they did have was worth more than that. They had true love, and _that_ came with an openness to try anything the other wanted. With their kind of love, they’d make it through anything, including being secret lovers.

  
  


**Castiel**

Going into the second-to-last game of the regular season with double-digit wins was an incredible feeling, even though he wasn’t playing. Cas was wearing Dean’s jersey again and he pulled the fabric up to his nose, partially shielding himself from the bitter November air and partially to soak up the scent of Dean’s cologne. It tickled his nose… he might’ve overdone it a little, but it faded so quickly the last time that he let himself get carried away. 

Charlie and Kevin stood with him as the Hunters took the field, and that was about where the fun stopped. The entire team played like shit; Jaskier threw two interceptions in the first quarter alone and HellStorm looked more like a calm, April shower. 

He grimaced as Dean moved too early and misread the opposing team’s quarterback, leaving the receiver he was guarding wide open. Two plays later, he was called for unsportsmanlike conduct when he ripped his own helmet off after a missed tackle. It was incredibly unlike him, but what was even _more_ unlike him... was his reaction to the penalty. He got in the ref’s face and from his body language alone, Cas could tell he was cussing him out.

Jimmy stepped between Dean and the ref and pulled him away, and Dean had to watch his defense from the bench for the first time all season. The added yards resulted in an easy TD for the Reapers’ offense. 

“Good grief, Cas. What’s gotten into Dean?” 

He couldn’t do much but shake his head, his heart sinking. This was supposed to be their chance - and in a way, Cas’ chance - at redemption following the Bowl loss last year. If they lost today, their chances of making it to the semifinals were drastically slimmer. “I don’t know, Charlie, he was fine yesterday.” _And I didn’t hurt him._

Halftime was a quiet affair. The crowd didn’t have half their usual enthusiasm, and he could hardly blame them. The gridiron looked more like sacrificial grounds, if he was being honest. 

“Remind me again why I had to come watch your roommate, twin, and the rest of this team _not_ win the football match?” Kevin shivered next to him and huddled a little closer. 

“Game, Kevin. It’s a game, not a match, and you’re here because if you didn’t take a break from studying, your brain would turn into a puddle before finals even started. Not to mention, I’ve barely seen you all semester.” 

The third quarter started with promise. Whatever Coach Singer said to the team in the locker room must’ve worked wonders, because Jaskier mounted one _hell_ of a drive, but even that touchdown wasn’t enough to put a dent in their deficit. The defense did better, Dean still looked a little scattered, and he wasn’t letting plays actually unfold before jumping into action, but he did at least manage a couple of crucial stops. 

Jimmy was playing _much_ better, at least until the fourth quarter. What should have been an easy interception turned into a 23 yard gain, and that sucked whatever life was left out of the Hunters. It was such a trainwreck that the Reapers didn’t even bother running their last play, they took a knee - and it seemed oddly symbolic for the Hunters’ season. 

Of course, there was still a chance they’d make the semifinals, and they were pretty much guaranteed a Bowl game no matter what… but Cas had a bitter taste in his mouth as the crowd started pouring out of the stands in droves. _What if Dean and Jimmy had been right all along? Maybe I am distracting Dean, and there’s obviously been tension with Jimmy, Dean and Jaskier since Halloween. Is this my fault? Am I about to cost them_ **_another_ ** _season?_

A chill ran down his spine and into his toes. _No. It’s not like that this time, not with Dean. They’d been having an almost flawless season, everyone makes mistakes and the Reapers are a damn good team in their own right. This isn’t your fault, it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just a bad game, they happen._

Charlie tugged on the sleeve of his jacket and pulled him forward. “C’mon, Cas. You should get back before they do, they’re going to need food and some encouragement.” 

He nodded as his feet started moving on their own. “Yeah… right, you’re right. Fuck, it’s about to be a long night.” He’d been planning to freeze his ass off outside to cook them steaks, but he knew both of them well enough to know that their egos wouldn’t allow them to enjoy a victory dinner after such a poor performance. _What the hell do you make for a ‘hey, sorry you lost and might’ve just pissed away your chance at the title’ dinner? Carbs. Definitely carbs._

Cas said goodbye to Charlie and Kevin and made his way back inside his house, bracing himself for a night of grumpy, inconsolable men. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Paroxysm   
> [A sudden outburst of emotion]


	21. Ataraxia

_ “The Edge… There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.”  _

**\- Hunter S. Thompson**

**Dean**

Game was a fucking disaster! Dean - among others - slammed his helmet against his locker, but unlike the others, Jimmy was on him. He grabbed his jersey and shoved him back. “The fuck was that, Winchester!” 

“Fuck, off me!” Dean shoved back, as Jask ran over to get between them.

“Come on! We can’t fight amongst ourselves guys, today was a shit show, I take responsibility for my shit.” He stood taller. “We all need to own our shit today and move the fuck on! Is this who we are??” 

Most of the team yelled, “No!”

Dean and Jimmy were still staring each other down but after a quick nod they moved on, knowing now wasn’t the time. Coach came in and rang them a new one, letting them know to get their heads out of their asses and reminding them that one more loss would ruin their entire season. 

_ Fucking one game left and we fucking lost!  _ Dean shrugged off his pads and slammed them down. “Winchester! Get that anger in check or I’m testing you for roids!” 

“Kidding me coach? Like I’d ruin my beautiful body with that bullshit,” he attempted to joke, before jumping in an ice cold shower.

_ What the fuck?  _ As much as he wanted to blame the refs, he couldn’t. The whole team fucked up, but he mostly blamed himself.  _ Missed tackles, unsportsmanlike conduct, personal fouls, penalty after fucking penalty.  _ It was like a game from one of his nightmares and he may as well have been naked and covered in honey - which his subconscious has definitely done to him once or twice. 

He shivered under the water but made no move to heat it up. 

“Damn, Lightning. When coach said to cool it, he didn’t mean this. Your dick is trying to hide inside your body.”

“Fuck off, Morningstar. I needed to cool the fuck down.” Dean started washing himself, not wanting to be naked in the shower with Jaskier of all people.

“You want to talk about it?” Jask asked. He was trying to be a friend, but Dean didn’t want a friend right now, in fact, he only wanted one person. And he wasn’t there. 

_ Should have just went the fuck home and showered.  _ “Nah. Just need to sleep it off. I’ll be good in the morning.”  _ Doubtful, since I really have no clue why my fuse is so damn short. _

“Alright, I’m here if you want to talk. That’s what a captain is for.” 

“Sure thing captain obvious. Thanks.” Dean wrapped up his shower and shivered until he wrapped himself in a towel. 

“We’ll get em next time, Dean.” Jask turned around and Dean tried really hard  _ not  _ to check out his naked body, but sometimes eyes do what they want. 

“You puttin on a show or something?” Dean shook his head and turned around to leave, ignoring Jask’s  _ “I could be”,  _ and made his way to his locker to throw on some clothes and get the hell out of there. 

He didn’t make it three feet before some cheerleader approached him, one he  _ already  _ sampled, not that he was interested either way. 

“Hey handsome.” She touched his arm. “Not sure if you have plans or not, but… maybe I can help you release some of that tension. We had fun right?” She batted her eyes at him, and all that did was bring attention to the four pounds worth of makeup on her face. It made him want to wipe it all off with a towel. 

“Nah, I don’t double dip.” Maybe he could have handled that better, but he wasn’t in the fucking mood and when she slapped the shit out of him, he couldn’t be surprised. Although, it did fuel the rage still simmering inside his chest. “The fuck!”

“Asshole!” She tried to hit him again but he dogged it and Trenton happened to be walking out just then and ran over to help.

“Woah woah! What’s going on??” He pulled her off.

“He’s an asshole that’s what!” She shrugged him off and turned to storm away.

Dean rubbed his cheek and huffed an irritated laugh. “Told her I didn’t want to fuck and she hit me. This is why I stopped messing with all these bitches!” 

“Trust me, I know. You alright?” Cole asked, making a cringe at Dean’s cheek.

“M’fine. Does it look bad?” Dean suddenly worried about how Cas would feel if he came home with another mark. 

Cole shrugged. “Not bad. Might leave a little shiner but nothing major. She clocked you good, Winchester.” 

Dean shrugged it off and started walking again. “She caught me off guard.” Cole chuckled and headed off towards the dorms. 

~~~~

He didn’t make it two feet into the house before Cas was yanking him inside and shutting the door without even looking for Jimmy. 

“Come here.” Cas wrapped his arms around him and squeezed, planting a soft kiss to the base of his neck. “You have no idea how badly I wanted to come down to the field to do this. I’m sorry, Dean. Are you okay?” 

Dean nodded and squeezed back, already feeling lighter. “M’ok. Sorry you have to write a shitty article now.”

Cas peppered kisses over his neck and jaw, then his lips. “That’s okay. It won’t be as bad as the one I had to write last year. Dinner’s almost ready though, do you know if Jimmy’s coming?”

“I saw him with O across the campus, so probably not. He isn’t talking to me right now.” Dean shrugged and tossed his bag on the ground.

“Oh.” Cas sounded a little disappointed. “I’ll get it dished up.” Dean watched him walk over to the kitchen and followed him. He leaned against the counter and stared at the ground, fiddling with a string on his shirt.

Not much was said as Cas piled the pasta onto paper plates and carried them over to the study table. He was watching Dean like a hawk, his eyes glued to his face until finally... “Are you going to tell me what happened to your face?”

Dean chuckled humorlessly. “Yeah, uh... Megan didn’t like being denied when she offered to help me “release some tension”. She slapped the shit out of me.” It probably wasn’t very funny, but Dean had to laugh about it. 

“Shit. I’m sorry, Dean. I’ll get some ice for you after dinner, I upgraded after last time and we actually have ice packs now.”

Dean cracked a small smile then, thinking of the last time. “I should get beat up more often.” He walked over and pulled Cas in. “You took such good care of me with your fancy peas.”

Cas leaned up to kiss him and hummed softly. “Please don’t, I’m incredibly fond of your face. I’ll take care of you without people punching you.”

“I know.” Dean sighed. “I fucked up today Castiel. I...” He stopped talking and pulled away, not sure how to continue.

“Hey, don’t.” Cas gripped his hand and stepped closer again. “Don’t pull away, you don’t have to hide from me, Dean. Was today your best game? No. Was it anyone’s? Also no. You weren’t the only one that made mistakes, and it happens. I know we haven’t talked a lot about my own days on the field, but I had some bad games, too. I understand.”

Dean stared into his eyes, imagining Cas on the field always made him smile and he went with what he’s always done best: deflection. “I really want to see you in football pants, Castiel.”

“No, you don’t.” Cas smirked a knowing little grin. “If you did, you’d rethink your status in this relationship as a bottom.”

Dean did a gallic shrug and then chuckled. “I can still want to grab your perfect ass without having to top.” He reached down to grip it. “I admire it every single day anyway and I still love being your bottom.” Dean blushed a little at what he just admitted, and buried his face in Cas’ neck.

“Hmm.” Cas hummed like he was making a mental note about that and danced his fingers up Dean’s spine. “We should eat.”

“Okay.” Dean shivered and pulled away, going to grab drinks from the fridge. They ate in silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was like Cas knew Dean needed some time to think and process what was going on, he reached for Cas’ hand when they finished and just held it on top of the table.

It was still several long, silent moments before Cas said anything. “You’re struggling with something. Do you want to talk about it?”

Dean rubbed his forehead and sighed. “I don’t know what is happening. I’ve been so fucking... angry at everyone who  _ isn’t _ you. I hate that we have to hide, hate that I’m a fucking coward, hate that you deserve so much more than me no matter how hard I try to be worthy of you, I fucking hate those refs and their bullshit calls.” He pushed his plate away forcefully and then took a breath. “I’m sorry. I feel like I’m losing control of my temper when I’ve worked so goddamn hard to get to this point my entire life.”

Cas let him talk and didn’t interrupt, but by the purse of his lips, it was an effort. “At the end of the day, our relationship isn’t anyone else’s business. I don’t think keeping something to yourself makes you a coward, Dean, I think it makes you human and honest. I also don’t think it’s your place to judge what I do and don’t deserve, it’s mine, and I chose you.” Cas paused and licked his lip, squirming a little in his seat. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you did make the mistakes today. The calls weren’t bullshit, you’re projecting on the referees because you’re angry with yourself for making them in the first place. Which, again, is understandable, but we need to figure out a way to help you accept yourself for who you are, flaws and all. You’ve put such a strain on yourself to be perfect... I don’t want perfect, Dean. I want  _ you.”  _ His phone buzzed and he glanced at it briefly, frowned, and then put it back down.

Dean let go of Cas’ hand and rubbed his head roughly. He was frustrated but not with Cas, Cas made perfect fucking sense. He was frustrated with himself. Dean dropped his face in his hands and sighed. “How?”

“Well, luckily for us, Jimmy just told me he’s not coming home until Monday morning, so we have all weekend to figure it out.” He flexed his fingers on the table and then sat back, eyeing Dean. “What are you struggling with the most right now? Patience? Anger at not getting what you want? Not believing that you’re good enough? Something different?”

Dean looked up at Cas. “Fucking  _ all _ of that. Which makes me sound like a damn child.” He sat back in the chair with an exasperated sigh and glanced at the ceiling. “This isn’t your problem okay? I’ll... figure it out. I don’t want you to blame yourself for my bullshit.” The last thing he wanted was Cas to feel at fault, or like a distraction, he wasn’t. He was the best fucking thing in Dean’s life.

“If you’re feeling those things, they’re valid. I don’t care what age you are. There isn’t a fixed point in your life cycle where everything magically becomes clear. And it might not be my problem, but I’d like to help you, if you’ll let me.”

Dean met Cas’ gaze and saw how serious he was, it really helped loosen some of the taut anger in his chest. He trusted Castiel, with all of him. “Of course I’ll let you, Castiel. Please, help me.” He reached back again to grab Cas’ hand and hold it to his cheek.

“I don’t know if it will do any good, and I’m certainly not an expert... but there might be a couple of things we can try. I think I know you well enough to know that you won’t accept any of this without being shown. As in, I can’t just sit here and tell you how wonderful and amazing you are, you need to begin to see it for yourself.” Cas paused and tilted his head, flattening out his palm and guiding his thumb over Dean’s bruised cheekbone. “I wish you could see what I see, Dean. You’d never doubt yourself again.”

Dean smiled slightly. “I don’t know... keep talkin’.” Fuck, he loved the praise so much it was pathetic. Except he knew Cas would never see him as pathetic, so he was able to actually enjoy it.

Cas wrinkled his nose and stood up, making his way to Dean’s side of the table and pulling him to his feet. “Do you want me to tell you my favorite things about you?”

Dean bit his lip. “Or, you can just show me.”

“I...” he trailed off, his gaze dropping to Dean’s chest and his shoulders pinching slightly. “Strip for me, Dean.”

Dean noticed the hesitation but decided not to question it. “Okay, Castiel.” 

  
  


**Castiel**

Cas watched as Dean took his shirt off and scrambled in his mind for something that might actually help. "You will say 'yes, Castiel' or 'no, Castiel' for the duration. If you're uncomfortable with anything, please tell me. If you truly don't think you can do something, please tell me. I don't believe we'll be crossing any lines, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Do you understand?"

Dean gulped and nodded. “Oh, yes, Castiel.” He blushed beautifully and started on his pants. “Should I...” He pointed at the ground, “kneel?”

_ It'll be easier if he keeps leading himself like that. _ Cas inclined his head, studying Dean as he dropped naked to the ground. If Dean was angry, impatient, and self-loathing, Cas was a ball of nerves. Sure, he'd taken the dominant role in all of his relationships so far, but never for this purpose. It had always been superficial... and this was anything but. "Good, Dean. Close your eyes and breathe. Try to remember that you're home, with me. No one else is here, no one else can see you, no one else matters. I'm going to lock the doors and close the curtains."

“Yes, Castiel.” Dean closed his eyes and took a deep shaky breath, visibly relaxing as Cas set out to do what he'd said. 

"Good, Dean. Tell me what you want, it could be anything - sexual, or otherwise. Just one thing, for now."

He tensed slightly, which wasn’t entirely unanticipated. “Um... I... just you. Whatever you think I deserve.”

Cas huffed quietly, stepping forward until he was standing in front of Dean. "I need you to help me help you. Can you do that for me? Let's start small. Do you... want me to take my shoes off? My shirt? I promise, Dean, I will give you whatever you ask for provided that it's within my power."

“Okay, um... can you take all your clothes off, too?” He cleared his throat. “Uh, please? Castiel?”

He stepped back, relaxing slightly as he did as he was asked. Cas took his time, folding his clothes and setting them on the couch before moving back to his previous position. "Good. How do you feel?"

“Fine.” He shifted slightly. “Can I look at you?”

He let out a burst of air through his nose and pinched his brows, painfully aware of how much harder it was to actually  _ do  _ what he had in his mind. "Yes, of course. But perhaps I should have added 'ask nicely' to your list of instructions."

“May I look at you please, Castiel?” Dean kept his gaze on the floor. “Better?”

"Yes, Dean. That was perfect,  _ you're  _ perfect." Cas cupped the bottom of Dean's chin and lifted his head up, smiling down at him. "Now, tell me something else you want. This time, I'm going to make you work a little bit for it. Is that okay?"

Dean nodded and cleared his throat. “Yes, Castiel. Um... want you to kiss me and... touch me. Like, don’t stop touching me.” He flushed. “I just feel better when you’re touching me.”

"I feel better, too." He placed a warm hand on the side of Dean's neck, circling behind him and then began to rub his shoulders. "I'll keep my hands on you as long as you cooperate, hm? I'm going to ask you a few questions, and as long as you answer them honestly, I won't stop touching you. If you lie, or don't answer... I'm going to pull back. Do you agree and understand?."  _ Nice, simple start. Slow, for both of us. _

Dean nodded and then corrected himself, “Yes, Castiel.”

"Good, Dean." Cas' thumbs worked over the dense knots in Dean's muscles and slid a little lower. "Tell me one thing that you like about yourself." Cas could feel Dean’s body tense underneath his fingers.

“Um... I...” His gaze fell on the floor. “I’m a good Safety... most days.”

He stopped moving, but left his hands where they were. "Don't qualify it. Good does not equal perfect, Dean. Good simply means... good. Try it again."

“Okay, um, I’m a badass Safety. Better?” Cas could hear the smile, but it was nothing compared to his own. 

"Yes, Dean. It is better, and I also agree. Watching you was exciting, even before I knew I'd get to fuck you afterward." Cas' fingers danced over Dean's skin, tracing scars and goosebumps and never losing contact. "Tell me one thing you don't like about yourself, and one suggestion on how you could change it. It doesn't have to be a good suggestion, mind you... just... give me something. Give  _ yourself  _ something."

“Shit... uh...” Dean shifted slightly. “I don’t like how short my fuse is. It’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I don’t know how to change it, I’ve been trying but the only thing that helps is... you.”

_ Sex. The only thing that helps him is sex, so use it.  _ "You didn't technically offer a solution, but I'll allow it since you told me something that already helps. I think the root of your issue is stemming from the fact that no one but me sees you as you wish they would. When you get angry with the refs, you're mad at yourself for making mistakes because that's not how you want to be seen, and yet that's what you're putting forth. You get angry with Jimmy and our other friends because they see you as the victor of the Helltown Horndogs competition... nothing but a heterosexual womanizer... but that's because that's all you've allowed them to see. That's how you've presented yourself, is it not? You wanted them to think those things, and now that they do, it bothers you because it's not at all who you truly are. Am I getting close?" Cas kept his tone light, open, and as non-accusatory as possible, knowing that most of the time… people didn't want to be shown their own flaws. As if on cue, Dean tensed below him so he knelt down behind Dean and began exploring his body with his hands.

Dean relaxed almost immediately. “Y-yeah that all makes sense.” His tone gave away just how true it all was, which eased some of Cas’ own nervous uncertainty. “I didn’t... I don’t know how to fix it.“

He nodded, pressing a quick, chaste kiss to the back of his neck. "Yes, you do, you're just terrified to do it. And I understand, Dean. Being yourself in a world such as this one is arguably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. I should know, the effort has nearly broken me on more than one occasion." His fingertips memorized the lines of Dean's waist until he was reaching in front of him to grasp the inside of his thighs. "I'd like to help you practice. One of the most important things you can do when you're trying to be comfortable with yourself is to become comfortable with what you want, what you like, and to then ask for those things. You know I'll accept you no matter what, so this should be on the easier end of the spectrum for you. But I want you to close your eyes and picture something you've always wanted but been afraid to ask for. It can be sexual or it can be something entirely unrelated, it's up to you.”

Dean exhaled a deep breath, “Um, okay. Like... the fact that I want to kiss you? Can I have a kiss?”

_ He could ask for anything, and the wonderful, infuriating thing asks for a kiss. _ Cas let out a surprised huff and shuffled around in front of Dean, nodding as his hands found Dean's flushed cheeks. He was aware Dean hadn’t asked properly, but at some point, this had become less about obedience and more about acceptance. And Cas could accept Dean, no matter how he spoke. "Yes, you may." He leaned in, softly at first and then more meaningfully, tonguing over the curve of Dean's bottom lip until the gorgeous man opened for him fully.

Dean whimpered slightly when Cas pulled away. “Thank you, Castiel.”

He gazed at Dean with all the fondness and warmth he could muster into a single expression, and then kissed him again. "That was good, Dean. But you knew without a doubt I'd kiss you, and it's also something I've done countless times before. I want you to ask for something new, something you haven't had yet. Something maybe you've been afraid to ask for, because you thought you'd be judged or looked down upon. Or, perhaps just something you've never allowed yourself to have because you'd deluded yourself into thinking you didn't deserve it." He brushed the pads of his thumbs over Dean's cheeks, mindful of the bruise.

“Okay... Castiel. Um... I want... your praise.” He flushed and squirmed again.

_ Shit. Technically, that's twice he didn't listen but him asking for my praise means I can't pull back without disappointing him. How the hell am I supposed to navigate this?  _ He leaned in, kissing each of his cheeks and the tip of his nose. "I can handle giving you praise. For example, I know you're capable of doing better. Of digging deeper, because again... I'm not shy with my compliments toward you. I'm glad to hear that you appreciate hearing it as much as I love giving it, but you know that I'm asking you for something deeper."

“I don’t know, Castiel.” He was getting frustrated, and it would have made Cas apprehensive if he hadn’t looked so genuine when he finally stuttered out, “Sp-spank me.” Dean closed his eyes tightly and tensed, completely missing Cas beaming in response. 

"Absolutely, yes. Stand up, spread your legs and put your palms flat against the wall. Leave enough space between your hips and the wall that I can get my hand between them, but the exact distance away is up to you."

“Y-yes Castiel.” He nodded and then did as told. Cas could see his skin trembling as he placed his palms against the wall.

"Gorgeous, Dean. You look incredible like this..." He trailed his hands down Dean's body and gripped his ass, rubbing and squeezing gently. "Are you sure you're mine? It feels more like a dream sometimes." Cas kissed Dean's spine and spread his cheeks, letting his rapidly growing erection tease between them.  _ “Gorgeous.” _

Dean shivered under the kiss and bit his lip, “Yes, yours. Only yours, Castiel.” He pushed back slightly.

Cas brought his pinched fingers up experimentally, glancing gently off that perfect bubble butt, then massaged the skin to get his blood flowing. "You're right, Dean. You're mine, and I'm not ashamed of you. I see you for who you are, and I believe you're worthy not only of me, but of everything you've ever dreamed of."

“Yes, Castiel.” His head rolled back with a pleased sigh. “Fuck... harder... please.” Dean whispered, hardly audible.

"You're so good for me, Dean." Cas landed a more forceful blow right next to the last one, then reached around Dean's body to grip and stroke his cock a couple of times. "You're even getting hard for me, do you have any idea how much you're turning me on right now?" He released Dean's length and pulled back, kneading the already-reddening skin before spanking him once more.

Dean groaned and huffed a laugh. “Fucking amazing!” His legs shook. “I can hardly stand, Castiel. Can we go to your bed? Or the couch?”

“Bedroom.”

Dean stood straight and glanced at Cas for a second before his eyes darted to the floor. He turned away and walked towards the room, and Cas took a moment to gather their clothes in case Jimmy came home before following him. He was just standing there, and Cas was suddenly uneasy. 

“Dean?” His boner hung awkwardly as he stepped forward and kissed his shoulder. “Talk to me.”

Dean sat on the bed, his cheeks pink but his cock still hard between his legs. “I’m... I’m a little embarrassed.” He rubbed the back of his neck and looked up at the ceiling. “Shit, m’sorry, Castiel.” Dean quickly dropped to his knees and averted his gaze.

_ Shit.  _ He took a position in front of Dean again but kneeled himself. “Look at me. Or, better yet, look at what this is doing for both of us.” Cas dragged the tip of his finger along Dean’s shaft and then up his own, shuddering slightly and keeping his voice soft. “We both want this, Dean. Can you tell me why you’re embarrassed by something that’s turning us both on?”

“I dunno. It feels like... I’m not supposed to be turned on by it. I dunno why... I shouldn’t care... right?” He stared into Cas’ eyes as he stood and pulled Dean to his feet. “Can I touch you?”

“Yes, you may. But Dean... do you think it’s wrong of  _ me _ to get turned on by it?” For the first time, Cas’ confidence wavered beyond what it was used to.

“Not at all... I love it when you’re turned on.” Dean reached out and wrapped a calloused hand around Cas’ cock.

His breath caught in his throat and he rocked up onto his tiptoes. “Then...”  _ Fuck, I’m supposed to be helping but he makes it so godsdamned hard to think straight. _ “Then why won’t you offer yourself the same courtesy?” The words came out rushed and half-sighed, but at least he got them out.

Dean looked like he thought about that,  _ really _ thought about it. “Um... yeah... okay, Castiel.” He licked his lips. “I’ll try to think of it that way.”

Cas’ eyes fluttered closed and he nodded, relief flooding his bones. “You can’t expect other people to accept in you the things that you won’t accept yourself.”  _ There, _ _ anything else is beyond my depth. Please, please believe me, Dean.  _ He leaned in to kiss him, tackling him backward onto the bed.

Dean chuckled and pulled Cas up on his lap. “I really like that frotting thing too.” Dean reached down and grabbed both of their cocks in his palm. “So fucking hot.”

Grateful they were close to the edge, Cas leaned as far as he could and fumbled in the drawer for the lube. He pulled back with it, his cheeks red and pupils blown wide. "Remember how good it felt after I came? No rough friction, all smooth glide?" He tipped the bottle and squirted some over their tips, shuddering from the sudden cold and rutting into Dean's fist to spread it around. "Gods, I love watching it."

Dean moaned and slid his hand up and down. It was obvious Dean was eager to be in control of this. He didn’t often take control, but the way he hungrily stroked them while watching their cocks with his mouth slack was beyond beautiful.

"How could something this good not be right? Fuck, Dean, it feels so good, I..." the rest of his thought was lost to a staccato'd moan as the pleasure coursed through him and leaked from his cock. He loved all of this, the sounds, the feel of Dean's length against his own, the rough patches on Dean's hands. His glasses started fogging up from the hot, heavy breaths escaping him and he jerked them from his face, tossing them to the bed and leaning down to kiss Dean as sloppily as they were rutting against each other.

It may have been Dean’s hand controlling their cocks but the rest of him was still pliant to Castiel. He parted his lips and moaned into his mouth, whimpering as he got closer and closer but suddenly, he stopped. “Fuck me, please Castiel. Bend me over and take it.”

His cock pulsed so violently at the request, he thought for a brief moment he’d already come. “Yes, Dean.” Climbing off Dean’s lap and knowing it would take time to open him up properly nearly drove Cas out of his mind, but even wrecked with lust, he’d give Dean anything he wanted. Dean stood with him, but Cas had heard him loud and clear - he spun him back around and forcefully bent him over the side of the bed, landing a hard smack to the fleshiest part of his ass to distract Dean as he reached for the lube again. He made a huge mess, the liquid missed his fingers entirely the first time and traveled down Dean’s leg. The thought of his come soon following the same path once again nearly undid Castiel, but he scooped the runoff from Dean’s skin onto his fingers and brought them to Dean’s hole. “You want my fingers, sweetheart?”

Dean groaned. “Yes, Castiel. But I want your cock more. Like soon, please.” He pushed back impatiently.

The sound of Cas’ palm spanking Dean’s ass echoed through the room. “I’ll give you my cock when you’re opened and ready for it, Dean.”

“Ah, fuck! Yes, Castiel.” He braced himself on his elbows and dropped his head.

Cas shoved a single finger into Dean a little rougher than necessary, just to prove his point. He twisted and began pulling it out, hooking it inside of him before driving it in deeper. His other hand brushed over Dean’s pretty pink ass and his body vibrated just from the sight. “I think I enjoy fucking you a little more every single time we do it.”

“Fuck, me too.” Dean rocked back against Cas. “I love feeling you come inside me, Castiel.”

The sound he made was decidedly not dominant at all, but he could wallow about that later. Dean taking one finger so well spurred him onto two, and by that point, he was gripping the base of his own cock hard enough to send little shocks down to his toes. His words came out sounding like he was dragging them over sandpaper instead of his tongue. "Soon, sweetheart."

“Jesus... I’m not gonna last long, Castiel. I think ima come untouched,” he grunted out.

Cas curled his fingers away from Dean’s prostate, knowing there was no way he’d come without contact to either that or his cock. “You’ll come when I’m ready for you to, Dean. You did this, I was seconds from coming all over your cock when you told me to stop. Are you really going to come without me now?” He nudged a third finger in and spread them apart until he was reasonably sure Dean could take him.

“No, Castiel. M’sorry. Just want your cock so bad. Love when you fuck me, love when you fucking own me.” He groaned, still rocking back onto Cas’ fingers.

His fingers moved almost violently as he held off as long as he possibly could, but those words had clouded most of his remaining judgment. If Dean wanted owned... 

Cas pulled his fingers out and climbed onto the bed behind Dean. His cock was sticky from the drying lube, and he cursed the gods for making such a tedious thing necessary as he slicked himself again. “Show me that ass, sweetheart. Chest on the mattress. And hands off your cock - it’s  _ mine. _ I want you to spread yourself open for me.”

Dean instantly complied, reaching back to spread his ass for Cas. “Yours.” He mumbled into the mattress.

He shoved in slower than he thought himself capable of, keeping his eyes glued to the way Dean’s ass swallowed him up. “You really are greedy for it, aren’t you, baby? I wish you could see the way you’re pulling me in, it’s fucking breathtaking.” He rocked his hips, slamming them against Dean’s fingertips as he bottomed out in one, swift movement. Dean cried out in pleasure and mumbled something against the mattress.

Cas draped himself forward, gripping Dean’s hair and pulling back until his mouth was exposed. He fucked into him deeper, grinding against him and grunting from how fucking good it felt. “What was that, sweetheart? Didn’t... hear you.”

“Fuck...” He was breathless. “Can I move my hands, Castiel?”

“Yes.” He barely got the word out before he was sliding in the extra few centimeters Dean’s fingers had been blocking. “Fuck, don’t... don’t come yet, Dean.”

“Yes, Castiel.” He braced on the bed and groaned, he sounded like he was struggling.

“Good, cause I’m—“ Cas’ movements and moans became clipped as the heat pooled in his gut and he came in a sudden burst, Dean’s name rolling off his tongue. Dean’s ass clenched around him and pulled every drop from his leaking cock until he was so sensitive he had to pull out, but they weren’t done here. “Roll over.”

Dean rolled over after whimpering when Cas slid out of him. “Castiel...” he whispered, his cock achingly hard. “Please.”

He knew what he wanted. He’d never asked for it before, but if he expected such a thing from Dean, he could damn well do it himself. He dropped to his knees a couple of feet away from the bed. “Get up, if you can stand. I want you to... to come on my face. Show me how good it felt when I filled you up, how fucking turned on you are.”

“Fuck...” Dean grabbed the base of his cock and sat up, his body loose as he got up and walked to stand over Cas. “You’re so beautiful Castiel. Fuck, I love you.” He started fucking into his fist as he stared into Cas’ eyes.

“I love you, Dean, now shut up and fucking cover me.” He grabbed Dean’s other hand and brought it up to his hair, leaning into it. He knew he looked fucked out and insatiable all at the same time, but that was life as Dean’s boyfriend. Once was enough and never, ever enough. “Give it to me, sweetheart, come for me.”

“Yes... Castiel... fuck!” Dean came, painting Cas’ face with ropes of hot come. His legs shook and he continued to pump himself until there was nothing left.

Cas licked what he could from his face and shivered from the contrast of the cold air against his heated skin. Watching Dean like that was absolutely worth it, even if most of their bodies were now covered in either lube, sweat, or come. That was easily the biggest mess they’d ever made. He stood up, gripping the nightstand for support and flashing an exhausted grin at Dean. “I’m glad I took my glasses off.” 

“I kinda wish they were on now.” Dean grinned and pulled him in for a kiss. “Fuck... it just gets better and better with you.”

He chuckled quietly as he pulled Dean toward the shower. "Tell me that again in the morning." He may not have done what he'd originally set out to do, but for now, Cas was thoroughly sated and satisfied that it seemed he'd at least taken Dean's mind off the game. 

He could always try again tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ataraxia   
> [A state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety, tranquility]
> 
> Here’s to using words.


	22. Mishpocha

_ “Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are.”  _

**\- Kurt Cobain**

**Dean**

With Thanksgiving coming up, Dean was feeling especially homesick. He couldn’t go home - not during the season - so the only option was for his family to fly out. It seemed like a lot of trouble just for him, so he tried to talk them out of it. “Don’t worry about it mom. There isn’t even anywhere for you guys to sleep. I live with two dudes in a three bedroom house.”

“I don’t care if it’s a shack. I want to see where my boy is living, and it’s Thanksgiving. I know you’re going to plop yourself in front of the tv and watch football all day and you’d starve yourself if I wasn’t there to feed you.” Dean scoffed at how  _ not  _ true that was… Cas took good care of him

“Hey, I’m still alive and I haven’t seen you in months. My... one of my roommates cooks pretty damn good and keeps us all fed here.” He covered his eyes at the  _ almost  _ slip just now. How could he get through an entire weekend with them without the truth coming out?

Mary chuckled, “Then I’ll be happy to have the help. Oh look, round trip tickets - aaaaaand purchase.” 

“Mom. Where are you going to sleep?” Dean sighed, “Guess you can take my bed and I’ll bunk with the giant in the living room.” 

“Don’t be silly, we’re getting a hotel. Where is your cooking roommate? He and I have some planning to do.” Dean was happy he opted for a phone call and  _ not  _ FaceTime because she would have surely seen the panic.

“Cas!” Dean called out, knowing he was probably listening the whole time anyway.

A couple seconds later, Cas pushed open Dean’s door and smiled sheepishly.  _ Yeah, the little fucker had absolutely been listening. _ “Yes?”

“Uh... I slipped and told my mom you cook well and now she wants to come over and cook Thanksgiving dinner with you.” He held out his phone, “She wants to talk to you.” Dean mouthed  _ sorry _ at Cas.

He took it and looked a little horrified, but his voice was calm when he put the phone to his ear. “Hello, Mrs. Winchester. My name is Castiel, though I’m sure if he’s said anything about me at all, he’s called me Cas.”

Dean laid back on his bed, covering his face and Mary huffed a laugh, “Hello, Castiel. You can just call me mom, it’s much easier. I believe Dean did call you Cas, now that you mention it. He also told me what a great cook you are, I can sure use the help if you don’t mind.”

Cas’ smile was warm and a little embarrassed. “I’d love to help,  _ mom. _ I’m so glad you all are making the trip out here. We’ve got... plenty of room.” He grimaced a little, knowing damn well they don’t but he hadn’t heard her half of the conversation.

“Thank you, we will be getting a room for John and I but I’m sure Sam would love to stay with Dean. He sure misses his older brother. Now, I do my turkey a certain way but I’m open on all the sides, do you have signature dish?” They talked food a while and Dean just laid on his back listening with a smile. Castiel was talking to his mom... and calling her mom... it was just so domestic he couldn’t help but feel happy inside. Even if it had to be a secret. When they finally hung up, Dean bit back a smile. “Sorry about that.”

Cas kicked the door closed behind him and climbed onto the bed to hover over Dean. He smirked, kissing him quickly. “Sorry enough to blow me every day ’til they get here?”

Dean grinned and then flipped them over, “Oh darn...” He kissed Cas and then lifted his shirt and started kissing his way down his body, “the torture.” Dean pulled Cas’ shorts down and looked up, “Think you can be quiet?” He licked the tip.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Cas put on a brave face despite the way he was already squirming. “I’m not the one that usually has problems staying quiet.”

“We’ll see about that.” Dean was about to remind Cas of that time Jimmy teased him for jacking off loudly when really he was balls deep inside of Dean’s ass, but he decided to leave it alone and shut him up with his mouth instead. Dean slid Cas in as far as he could without gagging. He wasn’t as good as Cas of course, but he had definitely gotten better.

Sure enough, Cas moaned a little too loudly and bit his own fist to dampen the sound. He spread his legs apart and rolled his hips up, fisting his other hand in Dean’s hair.

Dean was instantly hard and groaned to the beautiful sounds coming out of Castiel. He reached down to grip his own dick, stroking in sync with his mouth as he watched Cas. He’s never done this before, but every time Cas did it was fucking hot, so he decided to try.

Cas swore under his breath and shifted his upper body so he could watch with his lip tucked between his teeth. They stayed like that until Cas started thrusting up into his mouth and said, “fuck, Dean. Spin around, I wanna taste you, too.”

Dean got a little too excited and shoved him too far back when he nodded at Cas. He pulled off and took off all his clothes in about .5 seconds and pulled Cas’ all the way off too. “H-how?”

“Have you ever sixty-nined with a girl? It’s like that, but with dick. Straddle my face.” Cas sat up and helped guide Dean into position, moaning around the head of his cock before sucking him in deeper.

Dean almost argued how much bigger he was and how Cas should be on top but he chose  _ not _ to argue with him, and did as he was told. “Jesus, Castiel.” Dean slid Cas in his mouth and moaned.

Cas gripped his hips to guide him and swallowed around him, the moans escaping him vibrating through Dean’s length. It felt so damn good, Dean started trying to make him moan even louder just to intensify the feeling and he wasn’t disappointed. Cas pulled back as far as the position would allow and focused on the tip, his tongue flicking in all the right spots as he leaked into Dean’s mouth.

Dean was getting close already and he really hoped Cas was too. This was a million times better than any damn chick blowjob, although everything was a million times better with Cas. His hips shuddered as he got closer to the edge and he moaned around Castiel’s cock.

He must have gotten the hint, because a split second later, he was buried so far in Cas’ throat he could feel his glasses against his balls. Cas’ nails dug into Dean’s ass and he moaned again, emptying inside of Dean’s mouth. The second he tasted Cas’ come, Dean stiffened and came hard down Cas’ throat.

Cas’ throat contracted around him and then he pushed him up, gasping for breath as his legs went limp. “That’s an... excellent way to keep us both quiet.”

Dean climbed off Cas and leaned against the side of the bed, looking at his naked body. “Look I didn’t even waste one drop.” He said proudly.

The growl coming out of Cas’ wrecked throat was almost as hot as the moans. “Come here.” He pulled him up to kiss him, and the taste of both of them mixed on their tongues.

~~~~

Dean threw on a nice red flannel and some dark wash jeans. He was running a little behind. Their flight hadn’t landed yet, but he needed to get out of the house ASAP. Jimmy was in the kitchen making room in the fridge for tomorrow’s dinner, and Cas was in his room. Dean knocked on Cas’ door, annoyed he couldn’t give a proper goodbye with Jimmy right there. “Hey, Castiel. I’m heading out. My mom wants to go grocery shopping with us tonight, that cool?”

Cas searched his face and nodded, pulling him into his room to kiss him quickly. “Because I have a feeling we won’t be able to do that for awhile.”

Dean’s heart sank, “I’m sorry.” He hoped Cas could feel how much he meant it. “I’ll be back.” He leaned in for one more kiss and took off out the front door, without looking back.

Dean made it just as the Winchester clan made their way out of the airport. John took a moment to appreciate Baby - as usual - and Mary pulled him into a big hug. Sam copied Mary to be annoying and Dean reached up to mess with his hair. “Geez, you get taller?”

Sam laughed as John started loading up their luggage. “Yep, sure did. Jealous?”

“No. Chicks still prefer me.” Even as it left his mouth, it felt wrong. But John laughed, and it was almost expected of Dean to talk that way. He helped load the car and shook his head with a smile, “The guitar, Dad? Really?” 

John put an arm around him, “You didn’t think you’d get out of your Thanksgiving song, did you?” 

Dean sighed and they piled inside Baby. “Alright, so are we going by the house first or to check into the hotel?”

Mary checked her watch. “It was a long flight, can we stop at the hotel first? I’d like to get that out of the way and freshen up a bit before we go meet your roommates.”

Sam smacked the top of his shoulder from the backseat. “Yeah, you’ve barely told me anything about them. You might want to spill, before I ask a million embarrassing questions.”

Dean rolled his eyes and started driving. “Well they’re identical twins but you can easily tell them apart. One is jacked from playing ball and the other wears glasses.”  _ And has the bluest eyes in the world and I’m in love with him. _ “Jimmy is the other Safety, and Castiel is... really smart. He cooks good. I don’t know Sammy, they’re cool.”

“So, not unlike you two.” Mary smiled at her sons and glanced over at Sam. “But I think you’re both smart.”

John patted Baby’s dash. “God, I miss this car. Any chance you’ll give her back to your old man?” He smiled at Dean, showing he already knew the answer.

“Yeah, the day after I’m dead.” Dean scoffed. “I treat her right. Run your finger along there - not a speck of dust. You don’t deserve her, old man.” He teased and bumped his dad’s arm. He ignored Mary's comment, because he knew Sam was the smart one.

“Ugh, old?” John clutched his heart and chuckled. “I guess I deserved that. How’s practice been going? You think you guys will make a title run?”

Dean chuckled, “Yeah, actually. We were undefeated until last week.” His mood soured at the memory. “Team is great though, I’m glad you guys get to see me play this weekend.”

John beamed at him, the wrinkles around his eyes pinching. “Last game of the season, huh? And don’t sweat the loss, even your  _ old _ man lost a few in his day. I think you kids are playing great, and from what I’ve been hearing, you guys are favorites for the Fiesta Bowl. That’s not nothin’, Dean.” 

Sam piped up. “You can’t lose now; you’ve got your family here to cheer you on. I’m so tall I’m sure you’ll be able to see me from the field. I’ll be the one with the giant foam finger and body paint.”

Dean laughed at the visual, “Body paint? That better happen.” He paused, because he hadn’t even told them about the nickname he had, “The crowd nicknamed Jimmy and me, actually. He’s  _ Thunder _ and I’m  _ Lightning. _ It’s... there’s a song... it’s a whole thing. You’ll see.” He blushed.

Mary laughed. “Honey, everyone knows. It’s not a secret, they’ve been talking about HellStorm for weeks. And we’ve watched all your games on television, you’ve certainly learned some... interesting dance moves since moving out here.”

Sam laughed loudly. “He looks ridiculous.” 

“Hey,” John turned to point at Sam. “You leave him alone. Might be the dumbest song I’ve ever heard, but your brother is a star.”

Dean blushed harder, “Shit, I didn’t know that was on tv… the dance moves are from back home, though.” He knew the games were televised but he didn’t think they’d show his damn dance moves. “The song is kinda dumb, but it grew on me. You’ll feel the energy in the stadium, they love it.”

His mom smiled warmly. “I can’t wait.“

They pulled into the hotel and got out of the car. Dean helped his dad carry the luggage as Mary and Sam went in to get the keys, and after an agonizingly long wait for his mom to ‘freshen up,’ they were back in the car and on the way to his house. Mary hummed. “We should have plenty of time to get the grocery shopping done. I hope things aren’t too picked over. I told your dad we should have flown in sooner, but you know how he likes to procrastinate.”

“I’m sick of hotel beds, Mary. I had enough of those when I was younger. I like to sleep in the comfort of my own home whenever I can.”

“Dad and his weighted blanket.” Dean and Sam said at the same exact time. “Too bad you couldn’t bring that bad boy, huh?” Dean teased and poked his dad’s ribs as they parked at the house. “So... home sweet home.” He was suddenly so nervous he felt nauseous.

“Trust me, he tried, the airline wanted an insane amount of money to check the bag.” Mary got out of the car and looked up at the modest but nice house. “You’re close to campus, I see. That’s wonderful.” 

Sammy bounded out of the car and hopped on the balls of his feet. “Hurry up, Dean. I want to hear about all the times you made an ass out of yourself this year.”

Dean led the way up to the house, “If that’s the case, Jimmy will probably be the one to talk to. But I think you and Castiel will hit it off better.” He realized he said his full name but just kept on walking, opening the door to see Jimmy and Cas sitting on the couch. Dean held the door open as his family made their way inside. “Uh, Cas, Jimmy, this is my family. My father, John; my mother, Mary; and my big  _ little _ brother, Sammy.” 

Sam scoffed, “It’s Sam.”

Castiel walked over to shake their hands, followed by Jimmy, and Dean felt a weird, warm sensation down his spine at the sight. His dad was shaking his  _ boyfriend’s _ hand and had no fucking clue. Cas looked damn good. He’d changed his shirt from earlier, and the blue really brought out his eyes. Too bad he couldn’t show it.

**Castiel**

His first thought was that John and Sam could both kick his ass if it came down to it, and he swallowed as Sam just about squeezed the life out of him. “Yes, hello, your brother has told me -” he gasped as Sam released him and fixed his shirt, laughing quietly. “So much about you. I see he wasn’t exaggerating.”

Jimmy eyed Sam and they almost immediately came up with a secret handshake. Cas was simultaneously jealous and relieved... he wanted them to get along, because if everything went as planned, one day they’d all be family. He mentally panicked and cursed at himself for picking the absolute worst time to think about marrying Dean, and he missed something Mary said because of it. 

For once, Jimmy was actually useful. “Yep, we grew up not too far from here. It was an easy transition.”

Mary smiled. “I can see the difference,” she said randomly and glanced at Dean. “You were right, honey.” Dean blushed even deeper, and Cas made a mental note to find out later what the hell that was all about. 

“Yeah, one is a meathead, kinda hard to miss.” Dean teased, and Jimmy tried to get him in a headlock.

Cas rolled his eyes, but was grateful that some of the initial tension in the room had dissipated. He winked at Mary. “They’re always like this, and if Sam and Dean were anything like it, I think you’re a rockstar for putting up with it.”

Dean’s giant of a brother -  _ tall  _ had been an understatement - shook his head and gave them all what could only be described as ‘puppy dog eyes’. “Who, us? Never. We were angels.”

John laughed loudly as he made himself at home on the couch. “Bullshit, do you want me to send you the bill for all the crap you two broke roughhousing over the years?”

The two started playfully arguing, and Cas watched as Dean wrestled Jimmy to the ground. “Well, this Thanksgiving is off to a great start.”

Dean wasn’t about to quit with his mom watching and kept fighting. “Not today, Jimbo.” He flipped them around and got him in a chokehold.

“Boys! That’s enough now, c’mon.” John’s voice was booming and utterly commanding. Even Cas straightened up like he’d done something wrong. 

Jimmy immediately tapped out. “Alright, Winchester. Don’t get your panties in a bunch, you heard the man. Lemme go.”

He let go, his hair standing on end, and he stood up. “Don’t talk about my panties, my mom is here,” he joked at his own expense, but Cas could see he regretted it instantly.

“Dean, sweetie, I did your laundry for nearly 18 years. I know all about your panties.” Mary’s voice was so calm that Cas actually believed her for a second and thought Dean had been  _ massively  _ holding out on him. But when she started laughing at the horrified look on Dean’s face, he understood the joke. “What, can’t handle your mom being funnier than you?” She walked over and pinched Dean’s fire-engine-red cheek.

Dean pulled away and shrugged it off, “Thought you’d keep my secrets until the grave, Ma.” He walked over to the fridge, “Who’s thirsty? Dad, wanna beer? That we uh... don’t have because we’re under 21 and responsible.” He winked at John.

“Son, if you didn’t have beer in this house, I’d start to wonder who the hell raised you. Yeah, give me one. And what smells so good?” John reached out to take the beer from Dean and fixed his eyes on the oven.

“Oh.” It was Cas’ turn to blush. “I figured you might be in the mood for some comfort food after such a long flight, so I made dinner. It’s just a casserole, nothing crazy or anything. It should be ready by the time we get back from the grocery store.”

“Told ya he was good.” Dean’s eyes gleamed as he looked at Cas but he quickly recovered. “Sammich? Water?” He brought Mary a water and threw one at Sam. 

Sam caught it and rolled his eyes, “How do you deal with him, Cas?”

It was an effort not to answer with something inappropriate. He cleared his throat and grabbed his jacket. “I have my ways. Jimmy’s the one you should be asking, he deals with him a lot more than I do.” 

Jimmy grabbed a beer and put the cold bottle against the back of Dean’s neck. “I usually just ignore him, he goes away after while.”

Dean wiped it off and shoved him. “You all friggen love me.” He walked over and plopped on the recliner with a pout. “I’m awesome.” 

Sam walked over and sat on the arm of the couch. “Aww, we hurt his feelings.” Dean rolled his eyes. 

“Shut up, bitch. We doing this store thing or what?”

“I don’t think we all need to go, Castiel and I can handle it.” Mary nodded to him. “Right?”

“Oh, um... I don’t actually drive. It’s close enough to walk, but we might have trouble carrying all of the bags home.”

“I don’t mind driving,” Mary offered. 

“You’re not taking my baby, woman.” Dean joked, but held up his hands when John gave him a look. “Joking, geez.” He handed Mary the keys. “Take care of her.”

Mary clicked her tongue. “Sorry, sweetie. That’s not a car you take it easy in. Don’t worry, I’ll bring your  _ roommate  _ back in one piece.” 

He didn’t have time to contemplate why the hell she said it like that, and neither did Dean. Mary pulled him excitedly out the door and Cas had to shoot Dean a text telling him to pull the casserole out of the oven if the timer went off before they got back. 

Cas gave her directions to the grocery store and they got in and out surprisingly quickly. It was amazing how much easier it was to shop with someone that knew what they were doing compared to two overgrown children that wanted to buy everything in sight. The conversation was polite on the way home, and Cas was grateful she didn’t ask any leading questions that would cause him to have to lie to her - but why would she? Cas and Dean hadn’t come within ten feet of each other all night. 

They got back to the house and Cas insisted on carrying all of the groceries in. The casserole was steaming on top of the stove and he hurried to get everything in the fridge. They were going to have to start the turkey either that night or first thing the following morning, but he knew he needed to get food in everyone’s bellies before the cramped space became hostile. 

Mary handed Dean back his keys, and he smiled to himself as Dean gave her the third degree about the state of his car. The sound of her swatting him was followed by laughter, and Cas was filled with a warmth he hadn’t known possible. 

They had cleaned off the study table in anticipation of this, but even still... it was a tight fit. Cas’ elbow kept knocking against Sam’s, and Jimmy was practically on top of Dean. Still, it worked. Once everyone got situated and loaded up their plates, Sam asked if they were going to say grace. 

Cas shifted in his seat. He knew a few run-of-the-mill prayers from his Sunday school days, but he hadn’t anticipated this and he certainly wasn’t going to thank the Christian God for this meal, or any other.

Dean blushed as John began saying a prayer. He told Cas a while back that he never believed in any of that either, but he also never told his parents that. Once grace was finished, they all dug in and every one of them complimented Cas’ meal. 

“Told you guys, I got it made.” He took a bite too big and mumbled something no one else could understand.

“What was that, Dean? You wanna marry your roommate?” Sam leaned closer to Dean and put his hand by his ear. “Couldn’t quite hear that.”

Jimmy shot Cas a bitchface like that was somehow  _ his  _ fault, and Cas dropped his eyes to his plate, trying to drown out whatever Dean said in response because he truly didn’t want to hear it. “Does anyone want seconds?”

Everyone wanted seconds... except Dean. He stood up and excused himself to go use the restroom before Cas got back with the food.

After they ate, Mary helped him clean up and start preparing the food for the following day. “So, Cas. How many people are we cooking for?” 

He did a head count in his mind. “Seven, I believe. Jimmy’s girlfriend Ophelia will be joining us, but that’s it.” 

“Girlfriend, hmm? And how about you? No lucky lady?” Mary asked innocently.

He shook his head, busying himself with gathering what they needed. Cas struggled for a moment with how much to say and how to word his response so he didn’t give anything away but also wasn’t outright lying. “No, I’m actually gay, but there’s... no one else joining us for me.”

“Oh.” Mary said and took a drink of water. John’s fork slipped from his grasp, but he didn’t say anything and immediately tried to play it off. 

Sam attempted to apply a buffer. “Good, more food for us. What about Dean? He have some chick he’s hiding from us?”

Jimmy barked a laugh, “Dean? Settle down? Ha!”

Every ounce of that threatened to derail Cas' mood. He was used to people reacting like that over his sexuality, and normally it didn't bother him... but something about it being Dean's family tugged at his insides. Their reactions definitely could have been worse, he just wished it didn't always have to be so awkward. "No, Dean's not hiding any chicks from anyone, unless he's hiding her from me, too."

Dean walked out and looked like a deer in the headlights. “Who’s hiding who?”

John spoke up, “We were wondering if you had a lady you were hiding from us.”

Dean shrugged it off, “Nope.” He walked to the fridge and grabbed a soda.

He could feel the blood rushing to his face and heating up his skin. He’d been prepared for this, and yet... Dean even casually denying him in front of the people that mattered most to him kind of hurt. Cas knew he didn’t have a right to be angry, though, Dean was dealing with this in his own way and he  _ had  _ agreed, so he shoved it out of his mind as they got the turkey prepared for the morning. 

When they were finally finished with that, John turned off whatever program he’d been watching and stood up. “Since tomorrow will be filled with food, football, and naps... what do you say Dean plays for us now?”

_ Huh? _ Cas dried his hands off and looked at John. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.”

“Come on, Dad. No one wants to hear that.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

“Nonsense!” Mary exclaimed. “You mean to tell me your roommates don’t know you sing  _ and  _ play the guitar?” 

Dean gulped and glanced over at Cas, whose eyebrows nearly disappeared into his messy hairline. “No, that’s... definitely news to me, but I’d love to hear it.”

“I haven’t practiced in months.” Dean was obviously looking for an exit. “I thought I snuck that inside the hotel.”

Sam giggled, “You did, but I put it back.”

John disappeared out the door and came back with a guitar case. “It’s tradition, and you’re not breaking it. Take her out back and practice for a minute if you need to, but you’re not gettin’ out of this. Oh, and don’t even  _ think  _ about busting a string on purpose like you did at Bobby and Jody’s wedding. I brought spares.”

“Goddammit.” Dean snatched the guitar and went into his bedroom.

Mary smiled. “He’s being modest.”

“Damn right he is. Boy’s got too many gifts he hides from the world.” 

Cas nearly melted at John’s pride. He knew Dean had a rough childhood, and it settled something in his bones to know that Dean could at least rely on his family.  _ No wonder he doesn’t want to tell them about me, they’re all so proud of him, he doesn’t want to risk that until he knows for sure it’ll be worth it. _ He relaxed and listened closely for the sound of a guitar coming from Dean’s room, chuckling quietly when all he heard were cuss words. 

Everyone gathered in the living room to wait, and Jimmy looked bored as hell. “You can go to O’s, Jimmy. It’s okay, I know you don’t want to sit around and watch Dean best you in something else.” 

His brother flipped him off and then shot an apologetic smile to Mary, who pretended like she hadn’t noticed. He got up though, and said goodbye to everyone before practically running out the door. 

John laughed. “I remember being his age, I’d rather be with my girlfriend then, too.”

“John,” Mary scolded, and he shut up almost immediately.

Her husband laughed. “What? Castiel knows what it’s like huh, Cas? Just because he likes a different gender doesn’t mean no different, bet he can get any guy he wants.” John winked and sat back to wait for Dean.

Cas was thankful he wasn’t holding anything, because he’d have dropped it. He recovered quickly from his surprise and nodded smugly. “So it would seem.”  _ If only you knew.  _

Sam huffed a laugh but didn’t comment, there was something Cas couldn’t pinpoint on his face.

Dean came out with the guitar a few moments later. His flannel was off, and the muscles in his arms were popping the sleeves on his black shirt. “No teasing. Oh, thank god Jimmy left.”

"You're welcome, I politely reminded him he didn't need to watch you outshine him in yet another category and he ran off to see O." Cas squirmed on the couch, getting more comfortable and eyeing Dean's gorgeous hands as they aligned themselves on that guitar. "Now, less talking... more singing."

Dean smiled at Cas and got comfortable. “Alright, Dad, pick a damn song.”

“Simple Man,” John said immediately. “You know I love me some Skynyrd, and I gotta tell you, boy, you play that tune better than I do.”

“Well, I coulda told you that.” Dean gained a little confidence and cleared his throat as he started strumming.  _ “Mama told me when I was young… come sit beside me, my only son...” _ Dean made a “before the Samsquatch” joke and then continued singing. His cheeks were flushed but his voice was absolutely perfect, and Cas couldn’t believe he’d known Dean for damn near six months and had no idea he could sing like that. He was absolutely mesmerized. 

_ “And be a simple kind of man. Oh, be something you love and understand...” _

Cas couldn’t breathe. He had to remind himself on more than one occasion to stop looking at Dean like he loved him so much they’d all drown in it, but he was pretty sure it was too late. 

_ “All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied...” _ Dean closed his eyes and sang louder and clearer by the second, and by the time he got to the end, Cas couldn’t look away.

_ “Baby, be a simple, really simple man. Oh, be something you love and understand. Baby, be a simple, kind of simple man...” _

Everyone clapped, loudest of all, Cas. He was grinning from ear to ear and honestly didn’t give a shit who saw him. That was  _ his  _ boyfriend. Dean was  _ his,  _ and had somehow just made himself even more incredible than he’d already been. 

He caught Sam staring at him out of the corner of his eye as Dean set the guitar down.  _ Shit, shit, shit…  _ Cas cleared his throat and dropped his lovestruck expression as quickly as possible, but when you’re as crazy about someone as Cas was about Dean… it was hard to hide. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mishpocha  
> [an entire family network comprising relatives by blood and marriage, and sometimes including close friends - a clan]


	23. Engelengeduld

_“Courage is the greatest of all virtues, because if you haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the others.”_

**-Samuel Johnson**

**Dean**

When Dean woke up, he instantly smelled food, but he didn’t get up. Instead, he laid there a while and stared at the ceiling. He felt… _off,_ there was no other way to describe it. Yeah, their relationship was a secret, but Dean hadn’t gone to bed without a hug and kiss from Cas since they got together, and the fact that he did last night felt wrong. He hated feeling disconnected from Cas, and even though he was only in the kitchen right now, Dean missed him. Speaking of the kitchen, he wondered how the hell his parents got here so early, and by the smell, they had been there a while. He assumed a taxi because he sure as hell didn’t hear any calls for a ride. He finally got up and instantly tripped over his beanpole of a brother’s body, crashing into the desk ungracefully. “Sonofabitch!!”

Sam groaned and smacked his leg. “Sonofabitch yourself, Dean. What the hell?”

“What the hell _you,_ thought you were on the couch!” Dean rubbed his side. “Fucking desk. When did mom and dad get here? Is that when you snuck in here?”

“Yeah, they were being loud as hell. Cas is out there with them, has been since like 6 am. I think he and mom exchanged numbers last night.” Sam pushed himself to his feet and rubbed his eyes. “Can I take a shower? I don’t even want to know what lives on your floor.”

“Floor’s had more action than you ever have.” Dean teased, once again feeling like he shouldn’t joke like that.

Sam got a knowing glint in his eye as he grabbed his stuff to shower. “I bet it has, Dean. I bet it has.”

“Don’t judge, Samuel.” Dean sat back on the bed, rubbing his rib. “Wait!” He cut in front of Sam to brush his teeth and take a piss, grinning at the fact that his mom and Cas exchanged numbers. Dean may not be able to explain why, but he loved the idea of them being close.

“Alright, out, Giggles.” Sam shoved his giant body through the door. “Or I’ll shower with you standing here. Go save poor Cas from mom, I heard her grilling him about boys and I’m sure you don’t want that.”

“Why would I care?” Dean grumbled and then walked out to the kitchen. He was used to walking around without a shirt so he didn’t even bother. “Mornin’ family.” He smiled, trying to push away the weird cloud hanging over his head.

Cas’ eyes immediately went to Dean’s bare chest and then down to the floor. “Morning, Dean. Nice of you to finally join us.”

“It’s almost time for the parade, were you gonna sleep all day?” 

Dean shrugged at his dad’s question. “Maybe. You’re the one that will be asleep by halftime, old man.” He walked over by Cas and Mary and picked at what they were cooking. “I’ll check for poison.”

“If I was going to poison you, I’d have done it in the pie, not the turkey. We all know you’re not going to let anyone else near the apple.” Cas grinned and nudged him a little too familiarly, earning them a look from Mary.

Dean bumped him back, nearly forgetting his family was there. “Did you do the dutch one I like?”

Cas nodded. “Of course I did. I’m surprised you didn’t smell it baking.”

“Oh, I smell it.” He fought every single urge to kiss Cas, and forced himself to turn and walk away. “Guess I’ll get some clothes on.” Dean went to hide in his room for a moment. _Fuck... I almost... shit... no more slip ups!_

After he dressed and calmed down, he went back out and sat next to John. “How long we gotta starve?”

Mary chuckled. “There are cinnamon rolls on a plate in the microwave. Those should tide you over until dinner. We’re eating early, so you shouldn’t have to wait too long.”

John piped up, “grab me one, would ya, son?”

Dean got up and went over to grab them more than they needed, but he was friggen starving. He made it about one step away before he was shoving one in his mouth.

Mary narrowed her eyes. “Some things never change. Do you know how many photos I have of him with his mouth full, Cas?” She teased.

“Probably not as many as I do, honestly.” Cas grinned and stepped away from the stove to wash his hands. “At least we know food will never go to waste when Dean’s around.”

Dean mumbled again with his mouth full, earning himself a slap on the head before she shooed him out of the kitchen. “Boys, right?” She touched Cas’ shoulder and Dean shook his head and went back to sit with John and stuff his face. 

Sam walked out a few moments later with his long ass wet hair and Dean huffed a laugh, “This town already has a hair model Sam, sorry.”

“A hair model?” John scrunched up his face and looked at Dean. “Who the hell is the hair model?” 

Jimmy stuck his head out his bedroom door. “Our quarterback, you ever seen him? God, I’m happy his mop isn’t clogging our drains anymore.”

“Oh, did he used to live here too?” Mary asked curiously, but Dean changed the subject as fast as he could.

“Wait, who’s playing today again? I can’t remember.” John was easily distracted and started talking about the two games they would be watching, and Dean stole a glance at Cas to mouth _sorry._

Jimmy walked over to harass Cas some more, and Mary asked them why they weren’t going to see their own family on Thanksgiving. Dean was trying to keep his father engaged and listen at the same time, but he was only catching bits and pieces. 

“... they went to visit our aunt and uncle down in Texas. We’ll be spending Christmas with them.”

He filed that for later, wondering what the plans were for that - since they hadn’t discussed it - and went back to listening to John. 

Sam didn’t consider cinnamon rolls breakfast and grabbed some healthy shit that Dean made a face at. “It’s Thanksgiving!”

“Yeah, which means I’ll be eating _your_ bodyweight in turkey. Might as well eat lean while I can.” 

Jimmy came over to sit next to him. “Seems a little bit like ordering a Diet Coke with a super-sized Big Mac meal, but hey. You do you, Giant.”

“Jimmy has that little man complex.” Dean teased, as he shoved in another bite of cinnamon roll, even though he really didn’t want it. He wanted some damn turkey.

Jimmy rolled his eyes and snatched a cinnamon roll off of Dean’s plate. “You’re less than two inches taller than me, Lightning.” 

“Who said anything about height?” Dean teased and Jimmy made a move like he was about to challenge Dean again, but Mary interrupted.

“Boys,” She scolded. “Dean, it is Thanksgiving. No dirty talk.” 

Dean had to bite back a laugh, “Yes, ma’am.” 

~~~~

Dinner was surprisingly bearable. He’d braved himself for awkward questions and conversations he didn’t wanna be a part of, but thankfully everyone was too damn busy wolfing down the friggen _amazing_ food that Cas and Mary had made to really talk to each other at all. And when they did, it was basically just Sammy grilling Cas on the history of Helltown and all the creepy shit that had happened there. Kid ate that kinda stuff up, and Dean had to admit it was cute watching Cas get excited about telling him. 

Afterward, everyone sat in a daze a while, too full to think or talk. The game was still on - so at least the house wasn’t silent - and Cas disappeared into his room for a nap, leaving Dean feeling slightly bitter about the company. If they weren’t here, he could go right in there and nap with Cas, but instead he was stuck out there with them. He loved them, surely missed the hell outta them, but he already missed Cas so bad it hurt. He could tell Cas was feeling it too, and he hated seeing the disappointment. Castiel was trying very hard to hide it and pretend everything was okay, but Dean saw through it. He would have to make this up to him.

John asked him about his stats and he pulled them up proudly, showing him and Sam on the school’s website. John turned to look at the game at the perfect moment, because of all times, Cas sent Dean a photo of himself… naked from the waist down… in Dean’s jersey. He quickly closed out his cellphone and flushed bright red. His entire face and neck felt like it was on fire. _Why the fuck would he do that?!? He knows my family is right fucking here!_ Dean was livid. 

Somewhere inside, he knew Cas would _never_ do that on purpose but the louder part of his brain was humiliated. Yeah, his dad didn’t see, but he still hadn’t brought himself to look at Sam. _Did he see? Would he bring it up? Fuck!!_ He couldn’t help but ask himself, _would Castiel do this on purpose?_

**Castiel**

Cas laid on his bed with his phone in his hand, waiting for a response that never came. He eventually put it down and sighed, pulling the blanket up over his body and sinking into his mattress. _Maybe I shouldn’t have done that?_ He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to relax. It had only been 24 hours, but already he could feel the strain on their relationship. That wasn’t a good sign, was it? Cas had tried to act uninterested in Dean during dinner, and he’d been borderline cold in response. That had been the plan, they knew they were going to have to do that at some point, but… they still loved each other, and maybe part of Cas just wanted to remind Dean that despite their outward demeanors, they were still together. 

He’d thought he was being sexy by sending Dean a pic like that. The bottom of Dean’s jersey pooled around the base of his cock and as dick pics go, he’d actually thought it was a decent one. It wasn’t an _‘oh hey, look at my meat stick’_ kind of picture, but rather the _‘oh hey, look at what wearing your jersey does to me’_ kind. 

Who was he kidding? There were no tasteful dick pics, wanted or not, and for all Cas knew, Dean was still somewhere by his family. Regret rocketed through his body and he cursed his inability to think rationally when he had a boner. Things that seem like a good idea when you’re hard are rarely _ever_ still a good idea when the blood rushes back to its proper place. He debated for a moment and then sent another text: 

**Castiel: shit, sorry, wrong person… this is awkward.**

He hoped to hell that Dean would understand he was just trying to give him an out if his family saw that photo. If Dean could show them or tell them that Cas had simply texted the wrong person, he’d be able to shoulder that embarrassment all on his own and leave Dean free to… continue to deny him. His heart sank, and yet again, he got no response. 

_Gods, I’m such an idiot._

Cas quickly scrambled out of bed and changed into workout clothes, putting his shoes on and grabbing his phone before taking a deep breath and walking out into the living room. Dean refused to look at him, but no one else showed any signs of anything being remiss. “I’m going to go for a jog, it’s been a while and I need to run off some of that turkey. When I get back, we can warm up that pie if everyone has found room in their stomachs again.”

John smiled at him, and it certainly didn’t look the type of smile a father would offer someone when he’d just seen their penis on his son’s phone, so he took that as a good sign. Everyone seemed too full for conversation, so he nodded awkwardly and took off out the door. 

He jogged around campus a couple of times, letting the pulsing beats in his earbuds complement the pounding of his shoes on the asphalt until he started feeling sick from exercising after overeating. He stopped on the practice field and laid down on the turf. _It’s only for a few more days. Just a few more._

~~~~

His nerves were shot by Saturday morning. He’d picked up a quick shift at the student center before the final game of the season, partially to save money for Christmas and partially because he needed to be away from Dean. He hated feeling like that, but the Winchesters had only been in town for all of 60 hours and they’d already set them back to square one in their relationship. 

Dean had barely talked to him since the Great DickPic Incident. No matter how many times Cas tried to get him alone to talk, or to apologize, Dean barely stayed long enough to kiss him and run back out again. 

_Well, at least he’s still kissing me._

He went back home after his shift ended to change into Dean’s jersey and head to the field, but the jersey wasn’t there. Panicking, he checked the laundry, his closet, under his bed, the bathroom… everywhere he could think of. It was gone. 

_Maybe I put it back in Dean’s room…?_ Cas was pretty damn sure he hadn’t, but the thing _had_ to be somewhere, it didn’t just get up and leave. He checked his watch, knowing he was running out of time - but with things being as strained as they had been, the last thing he wanted to do was show up to the game not wearing Dean’s jersey; they both loved it too much. 

Cas practically sprinted into Dean’s room and darted his eyes around the room for the black and red jersey, but they landed pretty quickly on the bed. One of Dean’s favorite team hoodies was folded poorly on the bed with a piece of paper laying on top of it. He furrowed his brows and walked over slowly, lifting the page and getting more confused by the second. 

_Castiel,_

_I know you don’t have much merch and it’s too cold outside to be wearing that dumb jersey. Hope my hoodie isn’t too big._

_Stay warm,  
_Dean

Seriously? _Stay warm? Dumb jersey?_ His chest tightened uncomfortably as he realized he hadn’t misplaced the thing at all… Dean had taken it back. He didn’t _want_ him to wear it. Part of him considered turning Dean’s room upside down until he found it and wearing it anyway, but if this was what Dean really wanted, Cas wouldn’t go against his wishes. He slid the sweatshirt on and smiled a little; at least it smelled like Dean. _Maybe he just didn’t want the drama with his family? His dad played, he’d know what it means if Cas showed up wearing his jersey. And Dean had tried to find a way to fix it without hurting my feelings, so… that counts, right?_

_Right?_

~~~~

The absolute last thing Cas wanted to do was actually _watch_ the game with Clan Winchester, but what choice did he have? It would be rude and weird for him to decline their invitation, despite the fact that all he wanted to do was go behind the bleachers and set fire to that stupid _godsdamned_ hoodie. All of his optimism about it had dissipated entirely by the time he’d made his way to the stands to meet Charlie, Sam, John and Mary. Wearing Dean’s jersey had become his favorite part of the game, and it occurred to him that this bullshit replacement was punishment for the picture he’d sent. He’d embarrassed Dean, and now he no longer had the right to wear his jersey.

For all Dean’s well-wishes, the sweatshirt _was_ too big for him, and he shifted in it awkwardly as they made their way to their seats. Cas had his tape recorder with him this time, assuming dictating notes on the game would be easier than trying to write them, and it prompted some questions he didn’t feel like answering from Mary. 

That wasn’t fair and he knew it; Mary was a lovely woman and hadn’t been anything but kind to him since they’d arrived… he just wasn’t in the mood to talk about the Grimoire or anything at all. He should be stoked for the last game - for one thing, it was against their biggest rivals, and for another - if they won today, they’d be heading to a Bowl game for sure. But his heart wasn’t in it, it was in a vice controlled entirely by Dean. 

The game kicked off with a botched return on Helltown’s part, and Coach Singer was already livid on the sidelines. John was yelling incoherently next to him and Mary was trying to shut him up. All the while, Cas just became more uncomfortable. This _should_ be one of the best days of his life - watching his brother and boyfriend play for a shot at a Bowl game as he sat next to said boyfriend’s family - and instead, all he wanted to do was run back to the Gates of Hell. He shuddered at the memory of the bear trap and then groaned to himself as he realized he couldn’t go back there anymore, which meant he lost his favorite hiding spot. 

Sam leaned in to nudge him. “Why are you pissed?! That was _great!”_

He turned his eyes to the field and they widened slightly at the scoreboard, which somehow read 7-0 Hunters. _Damnit._ “Oh, you’re right. It was. I… always show excitement with discontempt.” Cas winced at the nonsensical defense, but Sam found a way to make it worse. He sniffed the air around Cas and tilted his head. 

“Did you… steal Dean’s cologne?” 

_Of all the capital punishments ever inflicted… mine_ **_had_ ** _to be Sam Winchester._

“Yes, I did. I absolutely did, I… ran out.” Cas turned his gaze away and refused to look at Sam, not that it did much good. The kid was so huge that he would have had to turn away from him entirely to miss the smug little grin on his face. 

“Did you _also_ run out of clothes that fit you?” 

Cas knew Sam knew whose hoodie he was wearing, it was written all over his face. But now, Cas was regretting wearing it at all and on pure principle alone, he doubled down on the lie. “I prefer larger hoodies, I feel no need to show off my body and since I often neglect to wear a jacket, the extra fabric helps compensate.” He mentally applauded himself for how confidently that came out, right up until Sam started laughing. “I don’t care if you think I look ridiculous, I’m warm.” 

Sam held his hands up in mock surrender, but the knowing smile didn’t disappear until the Chimeras evened the score. 

A very small, spiteful part of Cas was glad that Dean was the one in coverage for that. He didn’t even catch it until the replay, but the sight of the jersey on Dean’s back pissed him off. Maybe he didn’t have the right to get so angry about it, but… being hidden when you know you're in love takes its toll, and Cas wasn’t the type of person to be okay with that. 

Maybe he never should have agreed. He knew, in theory, what he was signing up for when him and Dean agreed to do this in the first place, but that wasn’t making it any easier to digest in practice. 

“Hey,” Sam bumped him again and Cas looked up at him, a little startled. He continued, “he’ll get there, okay? He’ll get there.” 

Cas didn’t have the energy to work out what the hell that even meant, because then he was expected to cheer right along with the rest of the stadium as the Hunters’ running back broke a tackle and took off down the sideline without a Chimera in sight. He made a couple of clipped, pissy-sounding notes into his recorder and wondered to himself if it even mattered. He’d already missed the first two scoring drives and pretty much everything in between, he was going to have to ask Dea-- _shit._ He would have to ask Jimmy what happened or see if he could get Coach Singer to let him watch the tapes. Maybe he should’ve just been tivoing the games or something, but it was usually pretty rare that he didn’t pay attention. 

They’d made it to halftime, and Cas got a moment to breathe as the Winchesters left their seats. Charlie turned to him and yanked him down to a sitting position. “What the _hell_ is going on with you!” 

_I don’t even know where to start._ Cas’ mood was in the gutter already, but being reminded that he wasn’t hiding it very well just made it worse. He’d _agreed,_ for fuck’s sake… and Dean didn’t deserve to be outed just because Cas couldn’t keep his shit together about a stupid jersey. 

He briefly recounted the events of the last couple of days and she rubbed his back supportively, but didn’t have much chance to offer words of comfort before the Winchesters were back with food and drinks for everyone. He took his from Mary and thanked her genuinely, trying to relax and remember that none of this was their fault. In a lot of ways, it was probably his. There had to be a reasonable explanation for all of it. It wasn’t really a punishment, and they’d be okay once Dean’s family left. This was just a bump in the road. 

… A bump that quickly became the combination of a straight drop off the End of the World and an eight car pile-up. Dean swatted down a pass on a big third down, and when he jogged back to the sideline, he took his helmet off. A cheerleader - one that he distinctly remembered seeing coming out of Dean’s room during the Horndogs competition - ran over and jumped into Dean’s arms. He spun her around and set her down, then leaned in to whisper something in her ear. As if the jealous spikes in his stomach weren’t already bad enough, he kissed her cheek and smiled at her as she jogged back over to her squad. _What in the_ **_fuck_ ** _was that?!_

“Well, Mary… I think we found the one he’s hiding from us,” John chuckled. 

“She’s cute! I wonder why he didn’t tell us about her?” 

Cas’ stomach rolled with nausea. _Is that what this was? Did Dean find someone else, someone that he didn’t have to hide and he just didn’t have the heart to tell him?_ He was vaguely aware of Charlie squeezing his hand and mumbling an excuse to the Winchesters as she pulled him from their seats and down the stairs. He let her, not having it in him to fight her or do anything at all. For the second time that season, he found himself trying to escape the stadium before the end of the game but the roaring of the crowd told him everything he needed to know… the Hunters had won. 

_Congratulations, Dean. You’re getting everything you’ve ever wanted._

**Dean**

Dean paced his room, wondering why the hell Cas had been so cold since the game. The team won, he seemed to hit it off with his family just fine. Was this really about the damned jersey? 

“Hey, I feel bloated from all this food. I’m going to go jog around your campus.” Sam interrupted his thoughts, as he tied his nerdy running shoes and stood up. “Wanna come?”

“Pfft. I run enough, you have fun.” Sam rolled his eyes and walked out. Dean was just happy he didn’t question his shit mood.

The second the front door shut, Dean rushed over to Cas’ room. Who knew if Jimmy was coming back this morning or afternoon and he didn’t want to miss an opportunity to talk this out. He tried to open the door but Cas had locked it. He never locks it. 

_Knock knock._

“Castiel? Open the door.” Dean laid his forehead against it.

A very disgruntled-looking Cas wrenched the door open and said calmly, “I was reading, Dean. What can I do for you? I’m afraid there are no cheerleaders in here, you might try Jimmy’s room,” then shut the door in his face.

“Hey!!” Dean tried to stop the door but Cas slamming it caught him completely off guard. “Cheerleaders? The hell are you talking about? Cas!” He banged on the door.

The next time the door opened, he kind of wished it wouldn’t have. Cas looked pissed. “Are you fucking kidding me? I know I wear glasses, Dean, but I’m not blind! I have eyes!” Again, he attempted to shut the door, but Dean managed to sneak his foot between it and the frame just in time.

Cas backed away and Dean shoved his way inside. “Is this about the jersey? I’ve never even let a cheerleader wear it.” 

His nostrils flared as he stomped over to Dean, then several things happened in quick succession. Dean was lifted off his feet, set down with a thud, had an arm wrapped around him and his cheek kissed... and then he was shoved roughly against the half-open door. “What, once with her wasn’t enough? Should have known a meathead wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off the slutty cheerleaders.”

Dean stood there with his mouth open, that is why he’s pissed?! “That.. meathead? Really? I...” he was completely speechless and it took a moment to catch his bearings, “Are you fucking kidding me??”

“Now you’re just repeating my questions! I get it, Dean, you don’t have to hide her. She fits into your perfect little world where you’re the straight, handsome, ladies-man football god. And I don’t. I never will. You shouldn’t have even given me your godsdamned hoodie. It’s a shitty consolation prize for an even shittier game.” Cas plucked his sweatshirt from the ball it was in on the floor and whipped it at him. _“Stay warm,_ Dean,” he mocked.

“I thought you understood! Was that bullshit? Should I just go announce it to the world before I’m ready because your feelings are hurt?” Dean threw the hoodie on the floor. “I don’t fucking want it. Throw it away, burn it, I don’t give a fuck.” He turned to walk away but then turned back, “I told her not to do it ever again. It was a friendly peck on the cheek, after I told her I was fucking taken!”

Cas flinched from Dean’s tone, but the little shit deserved it. “Maybe it was bullshit, Dean. Hiding is one thing, but when I have to sit here for days and lie to your entire fucking family about it while you walk around like you don’t miss me at all...” He shook his head, biting back the rest of his response. “The least you could do is show a little fucking compassion. It’s not all about you, and unlike you... I’m not used to hiding.”

“Course I miss you, asshat!” Dean didn’t know what to say, he felt shitty enough before he knew how upset Cas was. Now he just felt worse. “Guess I’m too cowardly for you then.” He turned to leave the room, but Cas pulled him back in. 

“Dean, wait!” He gripped both of his arms, and Dean didn’t miss the way his hands were shaking. “Stop, I didn’t mean that. You’re not a coward, I... _fuck!”_ He turned and pulled his glasses off, collapsing onto his ass on the bed with a squeak. “Fuck, I’m an asshole.” Cas buried his face in his hands and let out a breath. “You’re not a coward, Dean. I’m just a child.”

“You’re not a child, Cas. You’re right. I’m just a selfish, cowardly, meathead. You deserve better - how many times have I said it?” Dean ran his hands through his hair, wondering why Cas even liked him at all. 

It still took everything not to walk over and hold him, Cas looked so... _sad._ And it made Dean want to hurt whatever asshole hurt him... except _he_ was the asshole. 

So, he left.

He left the room, the house, the car, everything.

~~~~

As much as Dean was ready to get back to his normal day to day, he really would miss his family. They were leaving tomorrow morning, too early to even grab breakfast, and Dean was spending his last hour with Sam before they turned in. He also had no clue where he and Cas stood and that terrified him. _Was it over?_

It was chilly outside, too cold to be sitting out there, but here they were. Wrapped in warm blankets and pretending their balls weren’t hiding deep inside their bodies. “Gonna miss you, Sammy.” Dean played with a rock under his shoe.

“I’m gonna miss you too, _Lightning.”_ Dean huffed a laugh and glanced over, he could tell Sam had something to say, but he was hesitant. 

“What’s wrong? You can tell me anything, Sam.” He asked, much too tired to beat around the bush right now. 

“I know I can. And I always do. You know… you can too, right?” Sam met his eyes and Dean instantly knew, _he knew._

Dean took a deep breath. “Yeah… about that…” _This is a perfect opportunity to tell him… why is this so hard? Sam would love me if I loved a damn rock._ “I um…” _Fuck… fuck… do it for Cas…_ “Shit.” _Fucking coward, don’t do it for Cas, do it for_ **_you._ **“I’m uh… gay, Sam.” He found the strength to meet his brother's hazel eyes, and found nothing but acceptance. 

“Why was that so hard, Dean?” 

“I don’t know. Fuck… I… I barely found the strength to say it aloud to my damn self.” He suddenly felt warm inside the blanket. “I didn’t want to believe it… my whole life. I tried to… not be. I mean, you know, you’ve seen me with chicks. I… didn’t _want_ to be gay. But Cas…” Dean smiled sadly to himself. 

“I know.” Sam was smiling too.

“You know, what?” Dean asked, quickly.

“How you feel about Cas. And although I don’t get it, he feels the same about you.” Sam joked, and then dug the knife in further, “I mean, he’s waaaay outta your league.”

Dean chuckled at that, “I agree with you there, Sam. I… fucking _love_ him. With… all that I am.” He took a shaky breath, annoyed at how emotional he was getting. “What is this, a fucking chick flick?” Dean put a hand over his eyes and sighed. “He hates me right now, Sam.”

“Dean, stop being an idiot. Cas obviously loves you, he doesn’t hate you.” Sam waited for him to look up, “It will all be okay. I love you, Mom and Dad will still love you, Cas will still love you. You are loved, no matter what. I won’t tell anyone, not until you are ready, but I think you should tell everyone. Be proud, be _you.”_

“Shut up, bitch.” Dean had to joke, because otherwise he would break down crying.

Sam scoffed and shook his head with a smile. “Proud of you, jerk.”

“Can it, Sammy. Now I have to go build a bench or something, you’re making me soft.” They stood up and made their way inside, but before Dean could disappear into his room, Sam grabbed him and hugged him tightly, and Dean absolutely melted into it. “Thank you.” He whispered, feeling lighter already.

“You’re welcome. How about we cut the shit and you go sleep with your boyfriend and let me sleep in a bed for my last night?” Sam shoved Dean towards Cas’ room with a grin. 

Dean shrugged, walked over to Cas’ door, and froze. Jimmy was at O’s, Sam not only knew his little secret, but was happy for him, and his team was going to the fucking Fiesta Bowl if the rumors could be trusted. He should be walking on air, but Cas had hardly spoken to him since their fight. He couldn’t bear the thought of telling Cas and him not caring so instead, he just went to sleep on the couch. Sammy could have the bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Engelengeduld  
> [angelic patience]
> 
> Can we give Dean a hug now?


	24. Viraag

_ “Love is poison. A sweet poison, yes, but it will kill you all the same.”  _

**\- George RR Martin**

**Castiel**

Dean seemed lighter, which was good… Cas just didn’t have a damn clue  _ why.  _ They’d barely spoken, and most of that was his own fault. He’d thought maybe once the Winchesters left, things would have gotten better between them, but it only seemed to get worse. Cas was pulling away more by the day, and he didn’t know how to make himself stop… It was like the more he wanted to reach out to Dean, the further away he got. 

Finals were right around the corner and he was becoming more exhausted by the day. On one hand, the lack of late nights kissing over every inch of Dean Winchester’s body made more time to study, but it also meant he didn’t have any sort of release for the stress he was putting himself under. It became a sick cycle, just an endless repeating of wanting and not having, not having and wanting. Sleep, Dean, the brain capacity to remember the structure of adenosine triphosphate… the energy to do anything at all other than pull each strand of messy, disobedient hair right from his scalp. 

Cas dropped his forehead to the study table and yelped when the nosepiece of his glasses cut into his skin. He jerked back, yanking the stupid things from his face and tossing them down onto his open book with a dull thud and grumbling to the gods, “This would be a great time for a flood, or a plague, or… something.” 

“That bad, huh?” Dean walked out and sat on the couch, pulling Cas’ attention away from his open books and misery. “You want to... study for that psychology final?” He picked at a string on his pajama pants, looking way too fucking cute and Cas didn’t have a clue how to answer that.

“I was trying to study for my human physiology class, but it’s not going well.” He frowned at the  _ Encyclopedia Britannica  _ and it’s wrinkled page. “I…” He dropped his head again, not particularly wanting to tell Dean how ridiculous he truly was when it came to trying to understand his course material. “Maybe we should.” 

“What were...” He paused and looked up. “Why isn’t it going well?”

Cas’ dug his nose into the crease of the book. “Because I’m not even studying in the correct century. My course focuses on  _ modern  _ physiology, as in modern techniques, theories, tools. And I’ve spent the last three days trying to teach myself enough German to read  _ Handbuch der Physiologie des Menschen für Vorlesungen,  _ which was published in 1837. There’s a translated copy available, and yet my brain has convinced me I’ll never properly understand the foundation unless I read it in it’s true text. It’s not even on our syllabus, Professor Davies only mentioned the author, Müller, once… and it was barely a passing comment.” He blindly reached up and slammed his laptop shut, removing the eight open tabs of medical and science journals from his sight. 

Dean frowned and looked down. “Sorry I asked.” He tapped the couch and stood up. “Maybe you need a break?”

He glanced up to look at Dean through blurry, tired eyes, and caught a glimpse of the clock on the wall behind him. “Maybe it wouldn’t kill me. I’ve been sitting here for four hours. Are you hungry? I could cook.” Part of him hoped Dean would say no and just go to his room, and the other half still hoped he’d say no, but because he’d rather end this cold war between them and let Cas take a nap curled against his chest.

“Yeah... but I’ll cook.” Dean went to the kitchen. “No peeking.”

Wanting… and not having. 

“Dean, if I wanted food poisoning, I’d have ordered from  _ Coney Island.” _ Even as he thought about the dirty burger joint down the road and the cooks’ horrible hygiene habits, he started craving their chili cheese fries. He also realized that was an incredibly rude thing to say to someone that was offering to cook for him, so he smiled half-heartedly. “I’m kidding. And don’t worry about me peeking, I can barely see your face right now.” 

“Good. Go lay down in your bed and wait.” He stood there waiting for Cas to go, and as much as Cas wanted to argue… sinking his exhausted body into his mattress and burying himself in blankets didn’t sound like the worst idea in the world. Cas chewed on his lip and nodded, bearing his weight on his arm as he lifted himself from his seat and shuffled to his room. 

A few moments later, - much too soon for Dean to have  _ actually  _ cooked - Dean knocked and let himself in. “Close your eyes, Cas.”

"They're pretty much doing it on their own anyway," he grumbled, but obliged. "If you're going to dump something on me to wake me up, I'd appreciate the opportunity to get out of bed first. I rather like my sheets."

Cas couldn’t see Dean anymore, but he felt the air around him shift as he moved in and then away again almost immediately. “Ta-da.”

He forced one eye open and stared at the plate in front of him. It was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that had been completely relieved of its crust. Cas stared painfully at Dean for a moment, and then lifted the plate and held it like it was precious. "Thank you, Dean."

“Welcome.” Dean beamed with pride, and it ate away at what little resolve Cas had left. “Eat that and take a twenty minute nap. No arguing.” Dean grabbed Cas’ phone and clicked around for a moment, then set it face down on his nightstand. “Just set an alarm to go off in thirty minutes. That gives you ten minutes to eat and fall asleep.”

The kindness Dean was showing him pulsed heat and sadness through his body.  _ Why is this even happening? Why are we apart? Obviously Dean doesn’t hate me, and I miss him so much it’s hard to breathe.  _ “You should stay. Nap with me, if you’re so concerned about it.” Dean froze, looking exactly the way he had back when he was trying to avoid him and he'd had to skip class to corner him. Cas chuckled, the sound a stark contrast to how he actually felt. "It was a joke, Dean. Thank you for the sandwich."

Dean’s brow furrowed. “Right... course... uh, welcome. Night, Castiel.” He turned and hurried out of the room, leaving Cas alone with his sad sandwich and even sadder mood. 

_ Right.  _ Not having… and wanting. 

~~~~

He didn’t nap, nor did he sleep much that night or the night after. Cas chose a seat as far away from Dean as he could during their shared Psychology class and kept his head down, ignoring Professor Ketch’s attempts to flirt with him in front of twenty other students. He didn’t want any part of it, and it would be a miracle if Cas didn’t end up decking him by the time the semester was over. 

All he wanted to do was get irrevocably drunk and go to sleep, but he had a shift at the student center to get through first. Cas snuck out of Psychology the second Ketch said they were dismissed and headed straight for Poughkeepsie, hoping this would be a shift he shared with Charlie. 

It wasn’t, because nothing worked out in his favor anymore. There was a freshman boy working with him, one he’d seen a couple of times but never really said a lot to. He nodded to him, unable to remember his name because by that point, Cas barely remembered his  _ own  _ name. He busied himself with the usual mundane tasks of cleaning up after idiotic students and restocked the vending machines. 

“What’s wrong with you, Cas? You’re  _ extra  _ grouchy lately.” 

Cas turned an indignant glare on the new kid. “I’m sorry, I don’t even know your name. Was it Fred? Carl? Nunya?” 

“Ouch...” Just then, Dean walked in and  _ nunya  _ huffed a laugh at whatever Cas’ face was doing. “Ah... I see it now. You even know who that is?”

"I'm pretty sure everyone's heard of Lightning," he grumbled as he ducked behind his scrawny coworker. "Funnily enough I'm not in the mood for a storm, I'll give you a dollar if you make him go away."

“Okay.” The kid walked over and tried to block Dean’s view. “What’s up, Lightning?” 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Where’s Castiel?” He looked around the kid and spotted him, so Cas ducked into the library, nearly hyperventilating from how fucking delicious Dean looked. He’d clearly just come from practice, he was still wearing his football pants and his tank top was damp with sweat. Those flushed cheeks, his messy hair…  _ godsdamnit, stop it. He moved on, get a grip.  _ “Why are you hiding?” Dean had apparently walked around the useless kid and made his way over. “Come on, I don’t smell that bad.”

Cas turned to walk away, but smacked into the doorframe. He cursed loudly and stepped back as he grabbed his forehead, but the solid, impenetrable wall that was Dean’s body halted his progress. He huffed and clenched his fist against his stomach as he pivoted to face him. "I wasn't hiding, I was... thinking this place could use an upgrade to the Dewey Decimal System."  _ Really? _

Dean stared a moment, obviously seeing right through it. “Okay...” He turned and saw that damned kid was hovering by to listen and took a step forward. “I miss you.” Dean whispered. “I couldn’t imagine going home one more fucking night where you aren’t talking to me. I... I told Sam.” He reached out and took Cas’ hand.

Every ounce of self control Cas was holding onto threatened to unravel entirely. "Please, please tell me I didn't hit my head as hard as I'm now afraid I did." His body was vibrating with adrenaline and hope and fear, all wrapped into one pulsing bullshit wave. "Dean, I have no idea what the hell has been happening, but I miss you, too." He glanced toward the open door and moved in closer, Dean's words finally sinking in. "You... told Sam? About..." He nodded, hoping Dean would understand he was trying not to say it out loud in case someone overheard.

Dean nodded, a small smile on his lips. “Yeah... before he left. I told him about... us. I still want to wait on Jimmy but... fuck, Castiel. I miss you so bad it hurts. Let me fix it...”

If he wasn’t so mentally, emotionally, and physically drained... the knowledge that he was still going to be hidden might have given him pause. But the truth was that he felt like he was wasting away without Dean, and the sound of his full name coming out of those perfect lips felt better than any nap he could ever take. Besides, they had been doing fine hiding from Jimmy. Cas could handle that, he could do that much again. He no longer understood what was different about having to hide from Dean’s family, and he didn’t care anymore, either. Cas smiled genuinely at Dean and squeezed his hand, focusing on how every centimeter of contact felt under his fingers. “I’m really proud of you, Dean. I know how hard that must have been for you.”

“Thanks. I’m just... trying not to be a coward anymore. And it isn’t fair to you, I know that. I know this is selfish to ask of you, but it feels like we both do better when we’re together, right?”

The urge to hug him was so strong that his body twitched with the effort it took to deny it. “Yes, Dean. We both do better, I don’t know how it got this bad but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for whatever role I played, and for the record... I don’t think you’re a coward, or a meathead.”

“I was both and I still believe you deserve more but I’d like to try to be what you deserve.” Dean’s hand tightened at his side before he took a breath and reached out to touch Cas. “How can I make it up to you?”

Cas was convinced he was the one that needed to do the apologizing, but there would be plenty of time for that. If Dean was truly offering... “You did once promise me locker room sex.” He smiled slyly, dragging hungry eyes down Dean’s body. “You can’t come in here looking like that and expect my mind not to go there.”

Dean’s cock must have twitched in his cup because he overly flinched his hips. “Shit... right now?” He bit his lip, looking like he needed this, just as bad.

"Yes, right now. It's the perfect time, no one will be there right after practice." Cas licked his lip and dropped Dean's hand, walking back out to Nunya. "I'm sorry, my roommate has just informed me that a pipe has burst at home, and I need to go." He tugged off his apron and shoved it under the counter. "Can you cover for me? Thanks." He jerked his head between Dean and the door and took off before his startled, suspicious coworker could ask questions.

Dean followed him, practically staring at the floor. “Watch this be the one fucking time it’s locked.”

"We pass the house on the way, I'll grab my lockpicks." He was glad for the darkness of the winter night, because the second they cleared the buildings floodlights, he whirled around and pulled Dean in to kiss him.

Instead of pulling away, Dean instantly opened for Cas and whimpered into his mouth. Cas could have stayed right there, under the pale light of the moon, kissing Dean until they were both breathless and managed to communicate all the things they were struggling to actually say. But, finally living out one of his biggest fantasies was a thing that would actually happen if he could pull himself away long enough to get there, so he did. He smiled at Dean and grabbed his hand, running through the shadows until they reached their front door. 

“Hang on, I’ll be right back.” Cas ducked inside and tiptoed past Jimmy’s room. It wasn’t late by anyone’s estimation, but he didn’t feel like making small talk with his brother when he felt like his dick was going to explode in anticipation. He hurried into his room and dug around until he found his lockpick set, grinning at the engraved initials and laughing to himself.  _ If Jimmy had only known when he got these for me what I’d be using them for…  _ He pocketed the set and grabbed a small bottle of lube, then stood up straight, taking a moment to collect himself. 

His hands were still shaking as he flattened out the wrinkles on his shirt and tried to tame his hair. The night had taken a complete one-eighty, but for once, it was a change he could get behind. 

Wanting… and having? 

**Dean**

  
  


Dean stood on their porch fidgeting. His cock was hard as hell in his damn cup and he needed this shit off, as soon as fucking possible. But he kind of wanted to keep the jock strap on. The idea of Cas gripping it while he...  _ ah fuck, stop! _ Dean couldn’t take it and by the time Cas came out, he was walking funny. “I should have taken my cup off.”

"Yes, you should have." Cas frowned and took Dean's hand, leading him toward the locker room. "Don't worry, I don't think anything you're wearing will last long once we get the door open."

Dean let Cas lead the way because his brain had stopped working completely. “Gonna fuck me, Castiel?” He asked, unable to help himself. He knew he should wait to start this conversation, but he was  _ so _ turned on he just  _ needed _ to hear it from Cas’ mouth.

_ “'Fuck' _ makes what I'm going to do to you sound tame, Dean." They reached the door and Cas wrapped his huge hand around the knob and turned, grinning when the door opened on its own. "I hope you let me in as easily as this did."

Dean had a moment of panic that he’d run into someone and not be able to hide how fucking aroused he was. Cas was going to take him and fucking use him, right here, in the locker room. “Come to my locker, I’ve already pictured exactly how I want you to take me, Castiel. Let me take this off.” He led Cas to his locker, looked around to make sure they were alone and then started working on his pants, pulling out his cup and tossing it inside his dirty gym bag. Castiel must have been just as eager as Dean, because the second he saw Dean pull the cup out, he pushed up against him and reached inside his pants to grip Dean’s cock and stroke him slowly. “Ah fuck! Sure you don’t want me to shower?”

Cas hummed happily at how hard Dean already was. “That can wait, you’re already so hard for me, Dean.” He used his other hand to lower his football pants just enough to expose his ass. “I missed this ass, missed how responsive you are to my touch.” Castiel rubbed Dean’s cheek in small circles and Dean instantly  _ needed _ it. 

The only problem was asking for it. “Please…” 

“Please what, Dean?” Castiel asked, his voice already low and thick.

Dean planted his hands on the locker and pushed his ass back against Cas’ hand. “Please, Castiel… do it.” He must have taken mercy on Dean, because Cas took his hand away and slapped Dean on the ass. “Fuck, yes!” His cock hung heavy in front of him. Dean was under no illusions that he wouldn’t have to use his words better soon. 

Cas gripped his hair and pulled him back, growling in his ear and rubbing his clothed, hard cock against his backside. “You’re lucky, I need you so bad. Next time, you better ask correctly.”

“Yes, Castiel.” Dean pushed back again, earning himself one more slap. He gasped when Cas shoved a lubed up finger inside of him, and hated the fact that he needed to be prepped right now. It burned, but in the best way possible and Dean continued to push back. “Need you.” 

Cas let out a needy groan, but instantly went back into Castiel mode. “Patience, Dean. I’ve had to wait over a week for this, you can wait five minutes for me to open you properly.” 

Dean gulped and shut up. Letting Cas work him open.  _ Anyone can walk in right now.  _ He didn’t know if he should be more scared or aroused by that fact.  _ Ah!  _ Two fingers.  _ Okay? Burns more… breathe, let him in.  _ It took everything not to rock back more.  _ Shit!  _ Three fingers. “Please… please, Castiel.”

Again, Cas showed mercy… maybe. “Fine. You want to be a brat?” He pulled out his fingers and although Dean couldn’t see him, he knew he was lubing up that long beautiful cock. Dean’s mouth watered, wishing he had the time to suck him off a little, but before he could even think to suggest it, Cas was pushing inside, making Dean moan. “Shhh… you want to be impatient, sweetheart? Here it is.” Cas gripped Dean’s hips and slid until he bottomed out.

“Fuck… fuck…” Dean whispered. He once again tried hard not to move, letting Cas see that he could be good. “Missed you so bad.” Dean whimpered, and if Cas had been upset before about Dean’s impatience, he wasn’t anymore. He was instantly kissing along Dean’s neck lovingly. 

“Missed you too, babe. I’m here. You’re here. We’re here.” Cas slid out and then back inside. “So tight, sweetheart. Did you not finger yourself at all?”

“Course not. It’s yours, Castiel. Didn’t even jack off.”

Cas wrapped a broad hand around the front of his throat and pulled him up, the movement causing him to bottom out deep inside of Dean and punch a moan from him. “You’re incredible, you know that? Don’t ever tell yourself otherwise.” Dean kissed him, the forward motion causing his throat to press harder against Cas’ hand until the effort to keep kissing him was making him lightheaded and he pulled back. Cas started fucking him, slow at first, and then faster with each passing second. Neither had words and the locker room was filled with moans and needy, broken whispers. Dean knew they should aim for a quicky, __ but the idea of rushing Castiel never once crossed his mind. Dean had wanted Cas inside him for days and now that he was in there, he never wanted him to leave.

When he let go of Dean’s hips to grip his jock strap and pound into his ass, Dean came unglued. He wanted to tell Cas how good it felt, how close he was to coming, untouched. It was one thing he hadn’t done but with Cas fucking his prostate with every thrust, Dean’s cock bounced painfully hard in front of him, leaking profusely. 

“Castiel…” He finally managed to say, seconds before he came. This orgasm was different than any other before, and radiated throughout his entire body. Cas reached around to grip the base of Dean’s cock but it was too late, the second his hand made contact, Dean fucked into it, coming even harder.  _ Holy fuck, I thought only chicks had multiple orgasms! _

Cas stroked him until he was spent and then let go, pushing Dean to bend even further over and fucking him as he chased his release. When Dean could feel his lover was close, he reached back, holding Cas’ side as his head went slack. “Dean!” Cas cried out and slammed inside, filling Dean up.

“Oh shit… that was… fucking awesome.” Dean knew he sounded dumb, but he couldn’t help it.

“Yes.” Castiel kissed his shoulder, “Awesome. And still not enough.” 

Dean nodded in agreement, “I wish you could like, leave it in there awhile. I love feeling you inside me.”

Cas huffed a laugh, “I very much love being inside you too, Dean. But it seems highly inappropriate to show up to class like this.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Dean joked with a grin, and Cas slapped his thigh. 

“Don’t be bratty.” 

“Yes, Castiel. I don’t mean to be.” Dean said honestly.

“I know. I’m pulling out now.” Cas slowly slid out with a hiss and leaned down to kiss each of Dean’s ass cheeks. “I will die if you make me go another week without that.” 

Dean turned around and pulled him in for a sloppy kiss, “Never again.”

~~~~

Cas was still smiling like an asshole when they got back to the house and pushed open the door. They didn’t make it three feet in before Jimmy was rounding on them from the kitchen. “Where the fuck have you two been!” 

“Dean was helping me with something at the student center,” Cas shrugged. “Why?” 

Jimmy laughed, tossing a beer can to each of them. “Drink up, fuckers. I’ve got news.” 

Dean took the beer, hoping he wasn’t obviously walking funny. “Well spill, drama queen. I need a shower.”

“Sometime this century would be nice,” Cas added as he took a sip and sprawled out on the couch. “I have to work in the morning.”

They were both rewarded with middle fingers, but Jimmy couldn’t wipe the grin from his face. “They announced the final rankings, and the Bowl games.”

Dean choked on the beer and coughed for about ten solid seconds. “Fucking shit... ignore me, continue. Are you saying what I think you’re saying??”

“I’m saying, my dumbass little Lightning Bolt... that we’ve got a chance for not one, but  _ two  _ redemption arcs here. The Helltown Hunters will be facing none other than the fucking Jericho Reapers in the  _ fucking Fiesta Bowl!” _

Dean walked over and shoved him excitedly. “Fucking kidding me, Thunder!” They did their dumb little dance right there in the kitchen.

Cas blinked, sitting forward with wide eyes. “Are you shitting me?” 

“No, I’m not, baby bro.” Jimmy ignored Cas’ hissed _ ‘two minutes!’ _ and smacked his palm on the counter. “Which means you are hereby banned from every single one of my teammates until fucking Valentine’s Day, do you hear me? No weird ass bondage mishaps this time.”

But that annoyed Dean. “Shut up about all that, Jask loved that shit, okay? He told me himself.” Dean looked guilty as he realized he had slipped about the conversation he had with Jask, and chugged his beer.  _ Maybe he would forget? Yeah right.  _

Cas gave him a look that promised he'd need to explain that later on, but settled back against the couch as Jimmy mumbled something incoherent under his breath. "Fiesta Bowl champs play for the title this year, right? It's one of the semi-final games?" 

"You bet your ass it is. And the Reapers got us once, but not a damn one of us ever makes the same mistake twice. We're hunting Reapers for New Years." Jimmy cackled and crunched his beer can in his fist as he drained it. "Holy  _ shit,  _ I'm excited."

Jimmy grabbed them two more and stabbed the bottoms. “Shotgun, go!” Dean didn’t even have a chance to say no before he was shotgunning a second beer.

“Dammit, no more.” He burped loudly. “Fucking Fiesta Bowl!” Dean did some mock mariachi music and danced with Jimmy again. He was too excited to stay still.

“We’re having a party tomorrow night to celebrate. Not as big as normal because it’s too damn cold to be outside, but still. Bring your party hats, cause it’s gonna be the last moment of peace we have before Coach puts our asses through the ringer to get ready.” 

Cas stood up and stretched. “Guess I should take my books to work tomorrow, then. I don’t think I’ll get much studying done here.” He didn’t sound mad, which was a nice change after all the times they’d gotten bitched at recently for being too loud. “I’m gonna head to bed, but seriously, guys. Congratulations, you earned this.” 

Dean hoped his disappointment wasn’t obvious; he wanted to go to Cas' room to sleep. He was so fucking happy and yet he  _ still  _ had to sleep apart from Cas. “Um... yeah, no studying tomorrow. You’re partying with us. Good night, Castiel.” He didn’t even realize he called him by his full name in front of Jimmy.

“So formal, Jesus Christ. Lighten up, Winchester, he’s going to bed, not Sunday school.” Jimmy walked past him and clapped him on the shoulder. “I’m heading to O’s for some hot tub victory sex, don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone, kay?” 

Cas caught his eye over Jimmy’s shoulder and winked, then disappeared into his room.

Dean flushed.  _ How could I be so dumb?! There’s no way this asshat doesn’t know something... unless he’s that thick... I hope he’s that thick. Oh shit he was talking... _ “Huh? Yeah, have fun with that. I’ll go shower and jack off alone. Thanks for the reminder.”  _ That fixed it, right? _ Then he disappeared into the bathroom to shower.

As he stood there, letting the water run down his face, Dean couldn’t stop smiling. He didn’t imagine he’d make it this far as a freshman, but here he was, going to a bowl game with the most amazing man in his corner. The only thing in the world that could make this better was holding that man’s hand in front of the world. If only he had the courage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Viraag  
> [the sadness or depression caused by separation from somebody you love]
> 
> Did that locker room smut make up for the angst?


	25. Turangawalwal

_ “In some ways, blowjobs are better than sex, because when you have a mouthful of cock you can’t make snide comments.”  _

**\- Nenia Cambell**

  
  


**Castiel**

Things improved, at least slightly, after Cas and Dean had their locker room make-up. Cas no longer felt the urge to pull out his own hair, but now that particular urge was replaced by another - the need to touch, kiss, or be near Dean at all times. It wasn’t his fault, Dean constantly walked around like he  _ didn’t  _ know how insanely, stupidly attractive he was, which only made it all the worse. 

It certainly didn’t help that Dean seemed to feel the same. Cas was sitting at the study table attempting to get some last-minute studying in - finals started  _ tomorrow -  _ and Dean was doing his very best to distract the hell out of him. 

  
“Hey, Cas… wanna see something crazy?” 

He looked up in time to see Dean flip forward onto his hands and start walking across the living room, his shirt bunching down around his neck. Cas couldn’t peel his eyes away from the bulge and flex of Dean’s muscles or the fine lines of his body. Even upside down, Dean was utterly delicious. Maybe  _ especially  _ upside down. “Stop it, you’re going to break something.”  _ Yes, mainly my will to keep studying.  _

Dean righted himself with a grunt and came over to hover around Cas’ back, those sinful lips grazing against his ear. “Maybe  _ I’m  _ the one that needs to be broken.” 

Cas dropped his pen, the words and their implication waking up any miniscule parts of his dick that hadn’t already been at full attention. “Dean, I’m trying to study.” But warm hands worked their way down Cas’ chest and then slipped under his waistband. 

“C’mon, Castiel. You’ve been at this for hours. You need some release, those books will still be there after you come for me.” 

_ Godsdamnit.  _ He tried to focus on the page in front of him, but Dean was kissing a line down his neck that was making it difficult to see straight. “You’re insatiable.” 

“Mmhm.” Dean nipped at the skin and tugged on Cas’ sweats. “Want you in my mouth, Castiel. Please?” 

They’d talked about this at least a half a dozen times. If they gave in every single time they wanted to fuck, neither one of them would ever leave the bed, but who the hell was Cas to deny him when he sounded like that? He tilted to kiss Dean quickly and then pushed his chair back a little. “If you want it so bad, get under the table and take it.” 

Dean paused for a moment but then nodded quickly, gauging the space he’d have available to him. “Yeah, yes, Castiel.” He ducked down, and after a few awkward moments of getting situated, he settled his face between Cas’ legs. 

“But, I really do need to study.” Cas lifted his hips enough to shimmy his pants and boxers down and bit his lip at the sound Dean made. “So, since your bratty little ass wanted my cock in your mouth so badly, that’s all you get until I’m done with this chapter.” This was arbitrary and he knew it - there would be no way he’d be able to concentrate like that, but it was more for the purposes of proving a point than anything. 

“What, now?” Dean sounded nervous and disbelieving, and Cas desperately wished he could see his face. 

“You heard me, Dean.” He picked up his pen and flipped to the next page in his book. “Open up for me, sweetheart. Take me in, but don’t move. When I finish this chapter,  _ then  _ you can make me come. It’ll be a reward for both of us. Do you understand?” 

Dean muttered something that sounded quite rude under his breath, but before Cas could tell him to repeat himself, he gripped the legs of the chair and slid Cas in closer. A heartbeat later, Cas’ cock was resting in Dean’s hot, wet mouth. 

“Good boy.” 

Cas busied himself by tapping his pen on the table and running his finger over the lines of his textbook, but as he had anticipated, not one single word of it made it to his brain. Every ounce of his concentration was on the subtle movements of Dean’s tongue, the way his cock pressed further into his mouth each time Dean shifted his weight, and the needy little moans that were coming out of his mouth. “Dean… do you think you could get yourself off without moving your mouth?” The resulting grunt of affirmation vibrated through Cas and he shivered, his pen once more clattering to the table. “Fine, then do it. I want you touching yourself with no motivation other than the taste of my cock.” 

There were a few tense seconds as Dean prepared himself for the new task, but before long Cas could feel the subtle twitches of his body that told him Dean was listening. His mouth was moving a little more than before, but it didn’t do much other than tease the  _ hell  _ out of Cas. He loved it, loved every second of being teased - not that he’d ever tell anyone that. And if he could continue to pull it off in situations like this, he’d never need to. 

As the minutes stretched on, Cas began sweating with the effort that it took  _ not  _ to reach under the table, grab Dean’s hair and facefuck him until he finally found his release. But he could tell Dean was getting close, and Cas was so unbelievably turned on that he knew he wouldn’t need more than maybe thirty seconds of actual movement before he was coming down Dean’s throat, so he waited. “Are you close for me, sweetheart? Can you taste me leaking on your tongue?” 

_ “Mhggmn”  _ was all he heard, and yet again, the vibrations sent a pulse through his entire body. Cas swore under his breath and leaned back as far as he could to get a look at Dean, and the sight absolutely unraveled him. Dean was fisting his cock, his eyes shut tight and his cheeks slightly hollowed out from forming to the intrusion. He was flushed, his hair clinging to his forehead, and Cas wasn’t sure he’d ever seen anything more beautiful. “Dean, look at me. Open your eyes.” 

The second they made eye contact, Cas did exactly what he’d been trying so hard not to. He fisted his fingers in Dean’s dampened hair and rocked forward, ignoring the way the legs of the chair rose off the ground and slammed back down with echoing thuds on each thrust. Dean moaned loudly and took his cue to start moving, that glorious tongue sweeping and tasting and licking greedily until Cas was coming hard with a shout. His toes curled in his socks and he held Dean in place as he emptied completely, the orgasm intense and prolonged thanks to the teasing he’d put himself through. Dean pulled off and chuckled, the sound coming out as though it was being dragged over a cheese-grater first. “I made a mess, Castiel. Kinda a big one… thank god for hardwood floors, huh?” 

_ Yes. Thank the gods for hardwood floors. _

~~~~

For better or worse, finals came and went without much fanfare. People were too wrapped up in the upcoming Fiesta Bowl to do much of anything but push through their exams and get right back to gossiping and making bets about who the heroes would be. Cas would never admit this to Dean, or anyone else for that matter, but his money was on Trenton and Ross. The respective running back and tight end had already had wonderful seasons, and the Acheron defense didn’t have a single defender large enough to properly guard Ross. And, maybe Cas was projecting a little from his  _ own  _ tight end days, but he always felt that position didn’t get enough credit. He knew HellStorm would do just fine, and it was  _ possible  _ that he was trying to reverse-psychology the whole universe - if he bet against someone, chances were damn good that Cas would be the one that lost. Abaddon took his bet as well as the article he’d written to hype up the game, and then he made his way back home and hoped to find Dean - he was fried from his finals and the weeks of studying that had let up to them and was eager for a release; whether that was sexual or just curling up on the couch to watch one of Dean’s favorite movies… he didn’t care. He just needed  _ Dean.  _

Cas pushed open the door and yelled for him as he set his books down on the table. “Dean?” 

Dean walked out of his bedroom, with his mouth full of gods-know-what, looking delicious as always. He was shirtless - of course - and his sweats were low on his hips, but nothing compared to the way his face lit up when he saw Cas. “Herro,” Dean mumbled as he walked over, still chewing with his mouth open.

It was nearly worth the secondhand snack to kiss him right then, but Cas just grinned and waited for him to swallow before pulling him in. “Hello, Dean. How’d your last exam go?”

Dean shrugged. “Okay. I spelled my name correctly.” He leaned in and kissed Cas, and somehow, it still felt like the very first time. “How about yours?”

He hummed, sliding his hands over Dean’s skin. “Fine. I hope I did more than spell my name right, we can’t all be future NFL stars.” Cas bit the tip of his nose and then pulled out his phone as it buzzed. A quick glance had him frowning at it. “That’s weird.”

“Yeah, but  _ this _ future NFL star will take care of you.” He looked down at Cas’ phone. “What’s wrong?”

Cas ignored the flip of his stomach at the implication that Dean still wanted him around that far in the future. “It’s Professor Ketch, he wants me to come talk to him. Says it’s about my exam...”

“Fucking creep. Want me to come?” Cas didn’t miss the way Dean’s grip tightened around him.

“Hush, he’s not that bad. I think he took the hint at Homecoming, he hasn’t bothered me since. Maybe he’s just asking for clarification on something?” Cas shrugged and pocketed his phone. “Put a shirt on, we’ll stop by his office and then go get dinner or something to celebrate the end of the semester.”

“I gotta wear a shirt?” He grinned and turned to go into his room, hopefully to dress.

Dean came back out a moment later and Cas couldn’t stop himself from kissing him again. “Yes, to answer your question, you need to wear a shirt in public. Especially if you expect me to keep my hands off you.”

“Who said I want that?” Dean pulled his hand up to kiss it and then let go. “Let’s go see the creep. I’ll wait outside but I’m going to listen.”

“You did, Dean. You said that.” Cas chuckled quietly and headed out the door after Dean got his jacket on. It was colder than hell and snowy, but there were already Christmas decorations up around campus and honestly, it was kind of romantic.

Dean’s face lit up as he pointed at the University’s decorations. His cheeks were flushed and there were snowflakes in his tousled hair. “After you see that asshat we should go see the tree they put up, I heard they lit it last night.”

"They did, yes. Charlie sent me about a thousand pictures of it. We can stop before dinner, if you'd like." 

Thankfully, there weren’t many people out and about, so they could huddle a little closer than they normally would have as they made their way over to the Moseley building where Ketch’s office was. Dean stole a kiss outside the lecture hall, and it nearly knocked Cas on his ass. He was blushing and pleasantly surprised as he pushed open the door and went inside. 

“Professor?” 

Ketch looked up from his desk and stood as Cas descended the stairs. “Oh, hello, Castiel, I’m glad you were able to make it so quickly.” 

His stomach rolled at the use of his first name. "You... said you needed to speak to me about my exam?"

Cas noticed Ketch’s eyes flick toward the door he left open, but then they quickly fell back on Cas. “Yes, well... sort of. You passed, of course, I graded yours before everyone else’s.” Ketch walked around Cas and then rounded on him, his back to the door. “I wasn’t sure you’d come otherwise, but now that you have, I don’t know why I ever doubted you. You feel it, too.”

A shiver ran down his spine and he pulled his jacket tighter around his chest. “Feel... what, exactly? The relief that the semester is over, perhaps.”

Ketch released a cool, collected laugh. “I always did enjoy your humor. You feel what we have, that undeniable spark. I’ve been waiting for this day for quite some time.” He must have seen the confusion on Cas’ face, because he added, “The day you are no longer my student, of course.”

_ Shit. _ Cas took a half step back as Dean ducked into the room, tilting his head. He tried to subtly shake his own, hoping Dean would get the message not to come over. He definitely didn't want Dean overhearing this, and he could handle it himself as long as Ketch could be reasoned with. "You have a funny definition of 'undeniable,' Professor. I may not be your student anymore, but I'm still  _ a  _ student here, and it would be wildly inappropriate for you to move any closer."

“Don’t be silly, it can be our little secret.” Ketch took a step in and reached out for Cas. 

It all happened so fast; Dean reached him in a matter of seconds and pulled Ketch backward by his suit jacket, “Knew you were a fucking creep!” Ketch whirled around just in time to get punched in the nose, blood spurting out so far it landed on Dean’s coat. 

Cas stared with wide eyes and was frozen solid for a moment as Ketch grabbed his face and swore loudly. "Bloody...  _ HELL! _ I knew you were stupid, Winchester, but this crosses into uncharted territory."

_ “I’m _ stupid? You just hit on a student and tried to touch him!” Dean was fuming and moved to hit Ketch again, but Cas stepped between them and grabbed Dean's fist. 

"Stop, Dean. Stop!" _ Okay, that was the hottest thing I've ever seen, but shit! Fuck, shit, shit, fuck! _ He turned to face Ketch, trying to keep his voice calm. "I think maybe you should go. You won't say anything about Dean hitting you, and I won't say anything about you coming on to me. Mutually assured destruction." 

His ex professor looked like he was going to argue, but wiped his face with his sleeve and turned up his nose at them. "I should have known better than to stoop so low," he spat. If Cas wasn't physically holding onto the love of his life, he might have actually taken offense to that. 

Once Ketch's footsteps could be heard in the hall, Cas turned his attention to Dean. A small smile broke out across his face which only made him look even hotter, and Cas knew exactly how to thank him. "At some point, I'm probably going to yell at you for that. For now... go lock the door and unbutton your pants." 

**Dean**

Dean was caught off guard but did as he was told. He closed the door, wrung out his fist and walked back towards Cas as he unbuckled his pants. “Is this a punishment?” he asked, but he didn’t look worried.

"Yes, but not for you, or me." Cas pulled Dean around the desk and shoved him down into Ketch's chair. He dropped to his knees in front of Dean and quickly moved the layers out of his way. "You just punched a teacher for me, Dean, you're not getting punished... you're getting blown."

“Jesus, Castiel.” Dean’s mind was jumbled, “I’d punch the devil for you.” And he meant it, with all of him. He would fight heaven and hell for Cas, any friggen day.

Cas hummed. “My name sounds much better coming out of your mouth than anyone else’s.” He leaned in, flicking his tongue over the head of Dean’s cock. “Enjoy this, Dean. You get what he wanted... only you.” 

Dean watched as his dick disappeared into Cas’ mouth and released a shaky breath and he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. He fucking loved Cas’ mouth, it was better than anything he’s ever experienced. “Fuck... love you,” he mumbled.

His cock vibrated as Cas tried to say something back, but all the movement managed to do was let loose a hot, wet line of saliva down his shaft to his balls. Cas pulled off to lick it up, locked eyes with Dean and then swallowed him fucking whole.

Dean’s hands gripped Ketch’s chair, his knuckles white. This surprisingly wasn’t a place he ever daydreamed he’d get a blowjob, but it was definitely hot as hell and he felt himself thrusting softly into Cas’ mouth.

A hand slid up under his jacket and shirt to tease his nipple as Cas bobbed his head, Dean’s cock pressing a little further into his mouth each time.

“Ah fuck! Castiel... close.” Dean was trying to hold back, “Let me...” He wanted to be an asshole and come all over Ketch’s desk but if Cas didn’t move in the next few seconds he was going to blow his load down his throat. He found the strength to tap Cas on the shoulder and he moved off, glaring at him for the sudden stop. Dean rolled Ketch’s chair closer and pumped his cock, pulling Cas into a messy kiss as he came all over the underside of Ketch’s desk.

Dean groaned as he emptied, and released Cas to catch his breath. “Holy shit...” He looked at Cas with his pupils blown and huffed a laugh, “Hope he puts his hand in that.”

“You just...” Cas narrowed his eyes and dipped his head down, sucking Dean’s cock back into his mouth to clean up every drop. Dean hissed and twitched before Cas finally let him go again. “That was mine.”

“Sorry, Castiel.” Dean held his dirty hand out and looked at Ketch’s peacoat. He grinned and wiped his hand on it for good measure. “I’ll have more for you soon. What about you?” Dean reached out for Cas’ hips.

‘Cas grinned. “While I appreciate you thinking about me, I’d rather get out of here before he comes back. I can wait.”

Dean pouted, wanting to please Castiel. But he  _ did  _ want to get out of this douche’s classroom. “Let’s go see that tree and get some dinner? I already have a place I want to take you.”

"That sounds wonderful, but you should visit the bathroom first. You've got blood on your cheek."

Dean grabbed the other arm of Ketch’s coat and wiped his face off, “Better?”

Cas rolled his eyes with a playful expression and waited while Dean fixed his pants. “Yes, and now I know definitively not to ever choose you as a partner in crime. You got your DNA everywhere.”

“Ketch is an idiot, we’re fine.” Dean grinned and kissed Cas. “That blowjob was awesome.” He started walking and pulled Cas’ hand.

“So was you punching someone for me, and I didn’t think I’d ever say that.” They made it back into the hallway and Cas stared down at their hands with an apprehensive frown, like he knew Dean was about to let go.

He felt bad, but he released his hand and ran it through his hair. “What’s the plan for Christmas? You’re... leaving right?” Cas hadn’t invited him, but he really wanted to go with him. “Can I... come?” He felt his cheeks warm.

The smile that split Cas’ face was huge. “Of course you can! I... didn’t know if you’d want to, after the fiasco that Thanksgiving became.”

“I know.. I’m hoping this time is better? I don’t know. I just... can’t imagine being apart. Plus, I got you something awesome.” Dean grinned, thinking of what he ordered for Cas.

“That’s good, because I think you’re going to really enjoy what I got you.” Cas glanced around them to confirm there was no one else around and then stood on his toes to kiss him. “Do we need to hide from my family?”

“Well there’s Jimmy...” Dean looked down, feeling ashamed. “I wish we didn’t, Castiel.”

Cas’ face fell like he’d forgotten all about Jimmy. He nodded a little, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “You’re right, of course. My mistake. Let’s go see the tree.” He turned and started walking, his shoulders hunched from the cold as they got outside.

Dean felt like shit, but what could he do? Should he say fuck it and just tell Jimmy? Would that fuck up their season? They technically only had two games left... could Cas hold on just a little longer? He followed Castiel, lost in his thoughts.

The tree was awesome. It was probably 30 ft tall and completely decked out in lights and giant ornaments, and Cas relaxed a little at the sight. "They did a really nice job."

“Yeah, they did.” Dean glanced around and internally cursed the couple also looking at the tree. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around his damn boyfriend. “I really want to kiss you.”

"Please don't, Dean. It's hard enough without you reminding me of exactly what we  _ should _ be doing, but can't." Cas took a half-step to the side as that very same couple eyed them, and turned a forced smile on Dean. "We should go eat, I'm sure you worked up an appetite."

“Right.” Dean sighed and turned away. This shit was hard. Harder than he anticipated it would be. He’s never wanted to touch someone so bad in his life.

"Is the place you wanted to go on campus or do we need to go get Baby?"

“We gotta go get her.” He led the way and as soon as they climbed in the car, Dean pulled Cas in for a needy kiss.

At least it put a genuine smile back on Cas' lips. "Just drive, you're not the only one that worked up an appetite."

“Sorry I wasted your snack when I jizzed on Ketch’s desk.” Dean chuckled and turned the key. “Pick the music, babe.” He put it in drive and drove towards Missouri’s diner.

Cas put in some Christmas music and grinned at him cheekily. “Hey, at least it’s rock covers, right?”

“Of course.” Dean reached over and grabbed Cas’ hand. He preferred it when they were alone.

The drive wasn't too long. Missouri's was a little ways out of town, but not too far. They pulled in and Cas peeked out the windshield. "I don't think I've ever been here."

“No? Well um...” Dean tapped the steering wheel. “So there’s this lady here. I came here alone one day and she was like some psychic, she read me like a fucking book and I ended up telling her I was gay. It was the second time I ever said it out loud... you were the third time.” He felt his face flush and laid his head back. “She knew I was hung up on you, without me even saying anything and she told me to bring you the next time I came in.” He had no clue if he made sense but he wanted to warn him in case Missouri brought something up.

“So we... don’t have to hide here?” There was no way around it, Cas looked straight up hopeful.

“Nah. Not here.” Dean smiled and leaned over to kiss Cas again. It was a slow, simmering kiss, full of promise. “Let’s go eat some good food... and pie.”

Cas touched his lip softly as he pulled back and nodded. "Yes, of course."

Dean was nervous. He’d wanted to bring Cas to meet Missouri for a while, but he honestly wasn’t even sure she’d remember him. 

As soon as they walked inside, he spotted her and did a quick sweep of the diner. He didn’t see anyone else they knew, and when she looked up, he instantly knew that she remembered exactly who he was. Dean wasn’t sure if he should be embarrassed about that fact or not, but he moved to let Cas walk in front and something about her warm smile gave him the courage to interlock their fingers.

A different waitress started heading toward them, but Missouri cut her off. "Now, now, suga’, I got these boys. You run along now, I been waitin' for this for a long time." The girl looked confused, but shrugged and moved on to another table. 

Cas held tighter to Dean's hand like he thought he'd let go now that someone was actually approaching them.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck and then waved awkwardly, “Uh, hey Missouri. This is, Castiel. Castiel, this is Missouri.” He suddenly couldn’t remember if he ever even told her his own name. “Did I ever tell you my name’s Dean?”

Her smile was every bit as warm as her pies and she pulled them both into a hug. “Castiel, dear, I’m sorry for this... but this boy came in here one night lookin’ a mess, and I’m just thrilled to see that he finally got what he needed.” She pulled back, and Cas was blushing adorably. 

“That’s alright. Believe me... I knew how he felt. Thank you for being so kind to him.” It looked like Cas had more to say, but he shut his trap as Missouri led them over to a single-sided booth.

Dean felt like he was introducing Cas to his mom all over, except worse, because Missouri knew his biggest secret and his mom may as well have not known him at all. It wasn’t Mary’s fault, Dean knew that. But he sometimes wished he had the courage to finally be open with his own mom. He often wondered how that conversation would go. 

They slid into the booth and Dean instantly put his arm around Cas. “What are you in the mood for? Besides me.” He grinned cockily, and it felt so fucking good to openly flirt with Cas in public.

Missouri pulled out a little notepad as Cas wrinkled his nose. "If I'd have known you were on the menu, we could have just stayed in the car."

Dean huffed a laugh. “Shhh, not in front of Missouri,” he teased, knowing damn well he started it.

“Honey, if that’s the worst thing I hear tonight, it’ll be a miracle. Now, what can I get you boys?”

Cas ordered a BLT and some fries, and Dean got himself a breakfast sampler plate with more meat than he should be able to eat. And, of course, some pie. “Thank you, Missouri.” He glanced at Castiel proudly. “He’s gorgeous, huh?”

“Dean,” Cas scolded quietly. Missouri simply winked at them both and left for the kitchen, and once she was gone, Cas kissed him again. “I love you too, by the way. I don’t think you understood me in Ketch’s office.”

Dean smiled, “Shouldn’t talk with your mouth full, Castiel.” He licked his lips and grinned.

Cas shrugged, completely unbothered. “Maybe you’re right, but I wanted to do both.”

“I still want to return that.” Dean reached over and ghosted his fingers along Cas’ crotch. Maybe Cas was right, Dean was insatiable.

“Oh?” Cas spread his legs and quirked an eyebrow. “Then you’d better eat quickly, hm?”

Dean shivered at Cas’ damn eyebrow. “Shit... yes, Castiel.” Missouri brought them water, and Dean sat up straighter, hoping his pupils weren’t too lust blown.

She laughed that way that sweet middle-aged women do. “You two are as cute as a button, you know that? And for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, Dean. Just in time for the holidays, too! Oh, Lordy, I bet you two are going to have a wonderful Christmas.” She gently squeezed Dean’s shoulder and turned to walk away again. “Now get your hands on toppa that booth, it’s just unsanitary.”

Cas snorted and put his elbows on the table. “Yes, ma’am.”

Dean blushed bright red and pulled his hands up. “Sorry, Missouri.” She shook her head and strode off. “Oops.” Dean smiled and turned to face Cas.

“I like her.”

“Yeah, me too.” Dean couldn’t keep his hands off Cas. He stole kisses throughout their dinner and he practically licked all his plates clean. After they paid and gave Missouri another hug, they held hands all the way to Baby.

Cas caged him up against the passenger door. “Thank you for that. Seriously, I... I  _ really  _ needed that, Dean.”

“Yeah?” Dean kissed him and rutted against him. “Need to taste you.” He kissed along Cas’ neck and then pulled away. “Gonna drive somewhere to park so I can suck you off, let’s go.”

"That's only the third best idea you've had all night, and it's still an  _ excellent  _ idea." Cas moved so Dean could get around them and they got in the car, shivering slightly from the cold.

“Come here.” Dean motioned for Cas to scoot over to the middle and drove off towards the caves with his arm around him. They wouldn’t be getting out of Baby, but for what they were about to do, they wouldn’t need to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turangawalwal  
> [a place to stand, somewhere that helps realize one’s place in the world]


	26. Acaronar

_“One day, you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat.”_

**\- R. M. Drake**

  
  


**Jimmy**

Christmas was still a week away and Jimmy already wanted it to be over. A weekend back at home with his parents sounded like a nightmare, and not just because his mom would make him and O sleep in separate rooms. If everything went according to plan, he’d _also_ have to deal with his brother and roommate being fucking _gross._

All he really knew was that if he had to spend another day watching Cas and Dean pretend like they _weren’t_ fucking each other’s brains out every night, he was going to hang himself. _I can’t believe those asshats really think I don’t know._ He shook his head, shivering in disgust just thinking about the lovesick, gross looks those two give each other anytime they’re in the same room. He’d had fun for awhile, pretending like he had no idea just to see how far they’d really push it. He’d even tried setting them both up on dates, and acted like it made total sense that Dean‘didn’t want to date anyone this close to Christmas because he wouldn’t know whether or not to buy them a present, and Cas was still trying to be celibate. _Fucking morons. I might’ve bought it if Cas’ bed didn’t squeak so goddamn bad, that angry sex was_ **_loud._ **

But the fun and games were over. Jimmy was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a _complete_ asshole, and the last thing he wanted to do was force those two to have a repeat of Thanksgiving. He hadn’t been a hundred percent sure then, he’d seen a lot of signs since Halloween but still wasn’t convinced - until that damn turkey dinner. The whole thing was so awkward he was embarrassed _for_ them a couple of times. Part of him felt bad that he knew they were hiding because of him, but on the other hand, they’d both fucking betrayed him in the process so he wasn’t _that_ upset with himself over it. Either way, as long as Dean made Cas happy… Jimmy was happy, and he’d rather not have another awkward family gathering now that Dean officially signed on to come home with them for Christmas weekend. Which led him to his grand reveal, the thing he’d been plotting for weeks. 

He eyed the small package in his hand and chuckled to himself. “God, I’m funny sometimes. No one appreciates my humor.” He tucked the present under his arm and made his way out into the living room. “Cas!” 

Cas jumped a little from Jimmy’s voice and looked over. “What? I was trying to read.” 

“I have something for you. Call it an early Christmas present.” 

“But…” Cas frowned at the red and green wrapping paper. “You can’t have any of your gifts from me yet, can’t you wait?” 

Jimmy shook his head widely and popped the ‘p’ on “nope.” He extended the present to his twin and then rocked on the balls of his feet with his hands behind his back. “Just open it, you don’t need to give me mine yet. You’ll understand inna minute.” 

Cas looked skeptical as hell, but slowly peeled the paper back. “What - wait a minute…” 

“Yes, that’s the same exact lockpick set I got you for our birthday last year. Funnily enough, Morningstar had it.” He kept his tone light and unassuming. “I figured you’d want it back.” Jimmy almost outright admitted it there, but he wanted to make his brother squirm _one_ last time. 

The redness on his brother’s face was worth it. “Thank you, I… don’t have any idea how he would have gotten it.”  
  
“Oh, don’t you? He said he found it in the locker room, somewhere over by _Dean’s._ Maybe Dean stole it from you? Seems like something he’d do, I’m just saying. Anyway, your absolute favorite brother in the whole wide world returned it safely to you, thank me later.” 

Cas looked outright fucking constipated, and the urge to laugh swelled deep in Jimmy’s gut. “He didn’t steal it, Jimmy. I… lent it to him.” 

_The fucker’s still lying to me, what the fuck!_ Jimmy’s grin faded entirely and he scowled, but dropped the expression quickly and changed tactics. “Speaking of Christmas… Ophelia and I got our pajamas.” 

“Elves, right? You’re always an elf.” 

Jimmy nodded, leaning against the arm of the couch. “Yep, why break tradition? I’ve had the same pair of elf pj’s for like the last 5 years, why change now? It’s cheaper than replacing them every year, I never understood why mom and dad even bothered.” He watched Cas closely, knowing damn well the pj tradition was one of his absolute favorites. 

“Because we look adorable in them, no matter how old we get. I’m surprised you found Ophelia a pair, though.” 

“Sure did. Did you have any trouble finding another reindeer pair for Dean?” Once again, he kept his tone as non-judgmental as possible. 

Cas stared him down and shook his head, gallic shrugging. “I don’t… we don’t…” 

“Ahh fuck, this isn’t even fun anymore. You’re tellin’ me that if I go into your closet right now, you don’t have matching reindeer pajamas for you and Dean?” Jimmy rolled his eyes at the panicked look on Cas’ face and sighed heavily. “Jesus, Cas. I know, okay? I’ve known for fucking weeks, and I don’t care.” 

His brother swallowed and glanced toward Dean’s bedroom door, but Dean wasn’t even home. “You… know what, exactly?” 

“Do we honestly need to recap all the compromising situations I found you two in? The icing on the cake was Morningstar finding that lockpick set. He took one look at the initials and knew it was yours, but Christ-all-fucking-mighty did I have a field day trying to explain to him why my twin brother - who _doesn’t_ play football, or any other sport - would have needed to break into our locker room when the door’s open 24/7 anyway. The least you could do is be straight with me, man.” Cas blinked, and Jimmy howled with laughter. “I didn’t even mean to do that. Okay, okay, don’t be straight, be you, but… you know what I mean. You don’t need to hide from me, Cas. I’m your twin, okay? I hate you a little bit for lying to me for so long, for having sex in the locker room while I waited patiently to tell you the best news of my life, _and_ for going against something I specifically asked of you, but… whatever. I’d have done the same thing if you told me I couldn’t be with O because you were competing nerds or some shit. I get it.” 

The two shared a long look, and that look told them both everything they needed to know. Cas clutched the lockpick set to his chest like he was _finally_ grasping that the set wasn’t the present at all; Jimmy telling him it’s okay and they don’t need to hide in their own home anymore was. Cas walked over and pulled him into a rare, tight hug, and Jimmy held him close. 

“You’re an asshole, Jimmy.” 

He barked a laugh and pushed his twin off of him. “Yeah, but at least I come through when it matters, right? I coulda made you two idiots keep hiding it until after the bowl game, or hell… the National Championship, if we make it that far. That’s when you were gonna tell me, right?” He paused, squinting. “You _were_ gonna tell me eventually, right?” 

Cas nodded quickly and threw away the wrapping paper. “Yes, we were. Dean didn’t want to upset you, I think he’s actually quite fond of you and the whole ‘thunder and lightning’ thing you’ve got going on. And he didn’t want to come between the two of us, either.” 

“It’s gonna take a lot more than you fucking one of my teammates to come between us, Cas. We’re brothers.” Jimmy frowned at the implication, but he _had_ been a royal asshole about a lot of it. “Listen, I’m sorry. I shoulda never told you guys to stay away from each other, I was being selfish.” 

If it had taken Ophelia refusing to have sex with him until he finally told Cas he knew the truth, well… no one needed to know that. He _was_ selfish, after all. She texted him then, and he grinned at his phone as he responded to let her know he went through with it. Cas was saying something in return about him being a good brother - which normally, he’d eat up - but at the moment he had more pressing concerns… like dressing O up in those elf tights and maybe nothing else. “Yeah, great, Cas. I’m gonna go, I’ll be home tomorrow or something. Have fun banging Dean, and I’m happy for you and all that shit.” 

He didn’t wait for a response as he grabbed his jacket and bolted out the door. That hadn’t gone quite the way he’d planned, but he was glad it was over. He did his Nice List deed for the day, and now it was time to see if he could put himself on the naughty one. 

**Castiel**

Cas could hardly believe what just happened. He’d known that Jimmy suspected, surely, but not that he _knew._ He mentally kicked himself for forgetting his lockpick set, but he’d definitely been distracted that night. And at least now, they didn’t have to hide… at home, _or_ at Christmas, and that removed a weight from Cas’ shoulders that he hadn’t realized was so heavy until it was gone. 

All of this was fine and good, just as long as Dean didn’t murder him for not denying it until his tongue fell out. He hoped that since Jimmy’s reaction had been favorable that Dean wouldn’t be too mad, but just in case, Cas went to work baking Dean a pie. 

Dean was over at Garth’s dorm, helping him hang up Christmas lights outside which meant he _should_ have enough time to throw something together. While the pie baked, Cas put on the oversized hoodie Dean had given him and grabbed the matching pj’s that he was glad Jimmy hadn’t pressed him too hard on, then made his way back out to the kitchen. He smoothed the slightly wrinkled fabric and folded them about eight different times trying to distract himself. Not telling Jimmy had been Cas’ number one rule since Halloween, and he’d failed. This news, quite literally, had the ability to make or break his Christmas. 

He debated for a while about not telling Dean at all, and just asking Jimmy to pretend like he didn’t know. But at the end of the day… they’d had enough secrets. Either Dean would be okay with it or he wouldn’t, and pie was definitely a solid way to ensure that it was the former. He tried not to look too closely at the possibility that everything could come crashing down around him. 

When the cherry pie was finally done, Cas grabbed a ziploc bag with extra filling in it and cut a hole in the corner of the bag. He hastily drew the words ‘JIMMY KNOWS.’ on the pie, cringing a little at how sinister it looked with the red filling and poorly formed letters. It looked a little like someone had written a threatening message in blood, but then again… they _were_ in Helltown. Weirder things had happened, and the shitty attempt at making him laugh might soften the blow enough that Dean would still want to be with him. He’d never really been known for his tact, after all.

Cas’ consolation pie would have to do, because he was out of other options. Dean texted to say he was on his way back and Cas messed up his own hair, tugged the hoodie down over his boxers, and tried to look irresistibly adorable as Dean walked in the door. He plastered on a smile and walked over to kiss him. “Hello, Dean.” 

Dean glanced towards Jimmy’s room, - as always - and then walked over to scoop Cas up. “Fuck, you’re so damn cute.” He kissed him quickly and released him, before sniffing the air. “Pie. I smell pie.”

“Yes, you do.” Cas shifted his body between Dean and the pie. It was a risky maneuver, getting between Dean and his favorite dessert, but... “You should know that I love you madly.”

Dean was looking over him at the pie, but he met Cas’ eyes with his brows furrowed. “I love you madly, too. I also really love pie.” He kissed Cas and stepped around him, his head tilting as he read the words. “Knows wh-” His eyes widened. _“What?!”_

He took a deep breath, reaching out to take Dean's hand. "Will you just kiss me again, one more time before you hate me for being a terrible liar?"

Dean looked down at the pie like it would give more answers but made no move to step forward. “Castiel, I could never hate you. Just tell me what happened and what exactly he knows.”

“He knows, Dean. From the sound of things, he’s known almost the entire time.” Cas pointed to the lockpick set sitting on the couch. “Jaskier found that by your locker and gave it to Jimmy. He wrapped it up like a Christmas present to give it back to me, and then basically told me he’s known for quite awhile. He’s not angry, Dean. He told me now so we don’t have to hide in front of my family.”

Dean stared at Cas with an unreadable expression for longer than Cas was comfortable with and then took a step towards Cas, stopping a few inches from his face. “He isn’t pissed?”

He shook his head minutely, honestly afraid to even breathe. “No, Dean. He’s angry that we didn’t tell him, but he understands why we didn’t. He’s not mad that we’re together.”

Dean blinked a few times and then finally, smiled, “Okay... so I can touch you? Like, _whenever_ I want?”

“Yes.” Cas huffed a relieved laugh and nodded, bringing his hands up to Dean’s face. “Yes, you can touch me whenever you want. And we can sleep in the same bed, too. No more sneaking through windows.”

“I like surprising you at your window.” Dean leaned in and kissed Cas, his hands wrapping around to grab his ass. “My bed though, yours needs some WD40.”

He slid his hands up Dean’s back and kissed him again. “That’s fine, I like your mattress better anyway. So, you’re not angry with me?”

“No. Why would I be angry?” Dean cupped Cas’ chin. “I’m still nervous but... I’m not ashamed of being with you.”

Cas let out a breath and closed his eyes, sinking into the touch. “Because I suck and you gave me _one_ job, and I failed. I couldn’t get a single sentence out.”

“I like when you suck.” Dean shrugged. “That wasn’t your job, Castiel. I’m sure I gave it away just as much as you did.”

“You did, yes. We’re both horrible actors and should be ashamed of ourselves.” What began as a serious nod turned into a sly smile, and he pecked Dean’s lips before ducking around him to slice up the pie. “The good news is that Christmas _will_ be as nice as Missouri thought it would be.”

Dean smiled and walked over to wait for some pie. “How are your parents with it? Am I supposed to _not_ touch you or?”

Cas blew a raspberry at him. “My parents have known my preferences since I was a child. I haven’t told them about us just out of respect for you and the fear that one of them would slip up and tell Jimmy, but they’re two of the most accepting and loving people you’ll ever meet. You won’t have to hide from them unless you want to.”

“I don’t want to.” He said firmly. “But some parents don’t like PDA, so you gotta give me a line or I’m touching you the entire time.”

“Just stay slightly less graphic than Jimmy and you’ll be fine.” He handed Dean a slice of pie and dropped his weight onto his arms on the counter. “Besides, I’ll be impressed if you can pull yourself away from my father long enough to even remember I exist.”

Dean’s eyes widened. “I fucking forgot! Holy shit! You have to keep me from making a fool outta myself.”

He sniggered, loving how excited Dean got about it. “That might be a more difficult task than hiding us from Jimmy. I’m sure you’ll be fine, my father is a lot more laid back than people think.”

“Should I get him something? Will your sister be there? Do you think your mom will like me?”

“Dean...” Cas slid over in front of him and set the untouched pie plate back down. “You’ll do fine. My mother will probably love you more than she loves Jimmy, and no... Meg lives overseas and won’t be coming home. As far as I know, it’ll just be my parents, Jimmy, the two of us, and Ophelia.”

Dean nodded, still looking nervous. “Okay.” He pulled him in and rested his forehead against Cas’.

Cas took a moment to just breathe and enjoy the way their bodies fit together. “Don’t worry. I’ll have your back every step of the way, and I won’t try to push you. You do and say as much or as little as you’re comfortable with, okay? There’s no pressure.”

Dean nodded, his eyes still closed, “Am I allowed to sleep in your bed?”

He laughed, kissing Dean’s nose. “Unless my mother has seriously changed her views... no. But, if I know my brother, he’s already worked out a way to get Ophelia into his room, so we’ll just do the same.”

“Don’t wanna be apart... ever again.” Dean leaned in to kiss him softly. “Will you fuck me in your childhood bed?”

Cas pulled back, temporarily both shocked and kind of creeped out until he saw the expression on Dean’s face. He smacked his arm and chuckled. “You’re sick. But yes, probably.” He slid the pie plate toward him again and tilted his head. “You’re going to hate me all over again, but I actually have to go into work for a couple of hours.”

“Why is that sick? You know you want to. I used to daydream about being fucked in my old bed.” He paused a moment. “Wait, _is_ that weird?”

“For you? No, because you felt like you couldn’t truly be yourself back then. It’s natural to want to remedy that. Didn’t you learn anything from Ketch this year?” He winked as he pulled on his coat, enjoying the grumpy look on Dean’s face. “Leave your door unlocked for me?”

“Don’t mention that name. I already want to punch him again.” Dean walked over and pulled at his jacket with a pout. “Don’t go.”

Truly, he didn’t want to. But in order to financially survive the Christmas present he bought Dean, he needed to build up his savings again and that meant going to work. “As tempting of an offer as you make... I have to. I’m sorry, Dean. But you have pie, that counts for something, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen American Pie. I’ll just take it in my room.” Dean bit back a smile. “Gonna miss you.”

He was never going to get used to that. Cas pulled Dean into a kiss that ignited his bones and forced himself to step away. “It’s only a couple of hours, I promise. I’ll see you later.” Cas stared at him with a dopey smile for a moment longer and then tugged his hat over his ears and headed out the door. 

This... was going to be the best Christmas he’d ever had, even if he didn’t get a single present. 

~~~~ 

The student center was almost completely empty when he got there and shrugged off his coat. Charlie wiped some snow out of his hair and told him everything was pretty much already done, and since there were only two people there and they were using the computers, they didn’t have anything to do but talk. 

“So, a funny thing happened today,” he said.

“ _Your_ kinda funny or _my_ kinda funny?” The redhead tilted her head with a smirk.

“Both, I think. Jimmy re-gifted me the lockpick set that I’d forgotten in the locker room when I snuck in to fuck Dean.” He chuckled softly and sat down, staring at the floor. “He’s apparently known about us for weeks, the little shit just wanted to watch us suffer.”

Charlie’s jaw dropped. “You guys fucked in the locker room?!”

“Shh!” Cas glanced over at the stragglers and noticed they weren’t paying attention at all, so he relaxed. “Yes, it was apparently on both of our kinky bucket lists, so after we made up... well, actually... _that’s_ how we made up.”

“Gross.” She grinned. “So, how does he feel about being outed?”

“Honestly, he wasn’t as angry as I thought he’d be. He wasn’t angry at all, really... just... nervous? Like the thought of not having to hide was too good to be true. I think he was waiting for some kind of a bomb to drop on his head.” He grabbed the bag of chips he kept under the counter for snack emergencies and opened it up, popping one into his mouth. “I think he’s relieved more than anything, we both thought Jimmy would be... shittier about it.”

“That’s awesome. He’s going home with you for Christmas right? Did you need me to check on the house?” She reached over and took a chip.

He nodded, licking some salt from his lip. “Yeah, that would be great. We don’t have pets or plants or anything, but in Helltown, you never know what might happen.”

“Yeah, I’ll just walk by and make sure the windows are intact.” She looked over by the door and bit back a smile. “So, how clingy is he?”

He couldn’t help the cheesy, love-struck grin that plastered itself on his face. “Scale of one to ten? Eight. And I love it. I’m just as bad as he is.”

“Glad you aren’t sick of him, because he’s looking for you.” Charlie nodded towards the door.

“What?” Cas spun in his seat and saw Dean, standing there rubbing the back of his neck. Cas flushed, wondering if he’d heard any of that and trying to control the acrobatic butterflies in his stomach. “Miss me already?”

“Yeah... like a lot. Hey, Charlie.” Dean blushed and looked around the room, before leaning in for a kiss.

Cas nearly fell off his chair from the warmth that spread through his body at their first public kiss. It might have been short and sweet, but it was still the first time he’d claimed Cas in any way on campus in front of people that didn’t already know. Cas’ cheeks burned with the strain of his joy and Charlie made a _aww_ sound that he had half a mind to smack her for. “I missed you too, Dean.”

**Dean**

Castiel pulled Dean to the other side of the counter and sat down on the floor. They weren’t _hiding,_ but the counter acted as a safety net for Dean, and he felt much more comfortable sitting so close to Cas. If anyone saw them right now, they would instantly know they were a couple.

“I ate like half that pie and then decided to stalk you instead of being bored at home.” Dean reached over and took a chip.

“Oh, yeah? So, it has nothing to do with a certain professor that might be around campus?” Cas narrowed his eyes, making Dean squirm. 

“No.” _Maybe._

Charlie sat on the rolling chair, “Wait, what professor?”

Dean decided to tell the story from his perspective. Ketch was a fucking weirdo with a hard on for Cas since the first day of the semester; fuck that guy. “Can’t blame him though, I mean, look at him.” 

“How can two dudes be so gross _and_ so cute at the same time?” Charlie asked, and then pressed Cas on the Ketch story, letting Dean have a moment to think. 

It felt so fucking good to grab Cas’ hand in front of a friend. They had a small taste of freedom at Garth’s Friendsgiving. But all that did was make Dean crave _more._ With each passing day, he found himself wondering why he cared. He was gay, and quite frankly he was sick of hiding it. Dean felt his confidence grow each time he allowed himself to consider leaving the safety of the closet, but it would shrivel down again when he imagined how his dad might feel.

He always expected Dean to be the ladies man he was - before he met Mary of course. Would he still love and respect Dean? Would he still be proud?

Dean still had mixed feelings about Jimmy knowing. Did that mean the team knew? Specifically, Jask. Would this fuck with their friendship? If you could call it that. He and Jask definitely weren’t close friends, but they had a bond on the field and even still, Dean didn’t want to hurt him. He remembered the day Jask tried to kiss him and had to assume the quarterback was at least _trying_ to move on from Cas. He shouldn’t care - since that was Castiel’s ex boyfriend - but the fact that they were teammates meant something to Dean. He couldn’t help that he fell for Cas. It was Cas. _At least he’s offense._

All these questions weighed on Dean but when he glanced at Cas’ smile, it was worth it, and one day he would show Cas off to the world. 

“What?” He realized Charlie had asked him a question. 

She rolled her eyes, “I said, are you excited for Christmas?”

Dean smiled, “Hell yeah. Christmas is my second favorite holiday.”

“What’s your first?” Cas tilted his head.

“Thanksgiving. Wanna know why?” 

Castiel chuckled and shook his head fondly, “No, I already know why.” 

“No, you don’t.” They were both wearing their idiotic, playfull grins.

“Yes I do, it’s for the food. You get to eat like a hobbit and pretend that _isn’t_ how you eat on a regular day, anyway.” 

_Fucker is right._ “Don’t forget the pie.”

“How could I ever forget your pie?” Cas must have forgotten where they were, because he leaned in and kissed Dean, heatedly. 

He clouded all of Dean’s senses - making him also forget they were in public - as he parted his lips, letting Cas take anything he wanted. The bag of chips spilled and Charlie squeaked before she got up to go… who knows where, but it was enough to snap them out of it. “Shit, Castiel. You can’t kiss me like that in public.” Dean closed his eyes, tightly. _Go away boner, go away!_

Castiel seemed to be having the same struggle, “It’s so hard, Dean. We’ve had to hide for so long and it feels like we’re right at the finish line, but can’t quite cross.” 

Dean felt bad again and pulled Cas on his lap. _Thank god we’re on the floor._ “I’m sorry. Soon.” It was all he could promise. It felt like an empty promise, but it wasn’t. 

They managed to keep their hands off each other for a few hours, but Dean stuck around for Cas’ entire shift. He played on the computer for a while and if he googled himself, no one had to know. He stared at the photos of him on the field and imagined a much different article. 

_Helltown Hunters’ Free Safety Is Gay!_

_Looks like Dean Winchester should have played tight end._

“Dean, are you seriously staring at a photo of yourself? I mean, I’m glad you know you're gorgeous, but this is getting out of hand.” Cas touched his shoulder, but didn’t push him for more contact. 

Dean blushed, “Shit. I was just seeing what it was saying and I zoned out. I swear, I wasn’t just staring at myself.” _So dumb._

“I was joking, sweetheart.” Cas whispered, “Let’s go home.”

Dean exited out quickly and stood, pretending that the pet name _didn’t_ just go straight to his dick. 

~~~~

After they showered, together _,_ they made their way to the couch to watch some old Christmas movie, cuddling closer than they ever dared before. Jimmy knew, there was no reason at all to hide at home. Yeah, it might be a little awkward for a bit, but being able to be _completely_ out was going to help Dean a lot. 

He hoped Jimmy was staying at O’s tonight, because Dean managed to keep his hands appropriate their entire shower and his will was cracking. Cas was wearing a simple white shirt and some blue sweats, but any time he wore blue drove Dean insane. “Blue is my favorite color.” 

Cas looked over and smiled, “Is that so?” He moved to face Dean better. “Mine is green.”

Castiel lowered his voice on purpose, knowing damn well that would wake up Dean’s dick. He licked his lips and turned to face Cas, his leg resting up on the couch. “Come here.” 

Didn’t have to tell Cas twice, he climbed on Dean’s lap and leaned in, licking at his neck. “Think you can keep eye contact, sweetheart?”

Dean gulped and nodded quickly, “Y-yes, Castiel.”

“Good boy.”

Despite the fact that they just showered, Dean knew Cas was about to jack them off and make a mess, but he didn’t care. He needed it. Needed to feel Cas’ giant, soft hand around both of their cocks.

Cas shimmied Dean’s sweats down and then pulled off his own completely. He straddled Dean again, their hard cocks bumping, and the contact sent a chill down Dean's spine.

He groaned when Cas spit on their cocks and wrapped his hand around them. “Ready, baby?” Dean nodded and then his head nearly fell back in pleasure when he started stroking them, but he remembered Castiel wanted eye contact.

They locked eyes, and allowed themselves to become completely lost in each other. Cas was _always_ beautiful, but the way he looked on top of Dean when he was aroused was completely out of this world. His plump bottom lip was snug between his teeth and his blue eyes nearly lit up the entire room. He was so distracted by his boyfriend’s beauty that it took a while for Dean to even realize that Cas was edging them. 

He would pump his hand until they were both rocking into his fist and then he would slow down, grinding in small circles before building them back up again. After about thirty minutes, Dean was writhing. “Please, Castiel.” 

“Please what, sweetheart?” 

“Jesusss fuck… please let me come.” 

Cas slowed again, “Who is Jesus? Is that whose hand is around your cock?” 

“No, no! M’sorry! Castiel, please Castiel.” Dean was not too shy to beg. 

His hand sped up again and he placed his left hand on Dean’s chest, “Better.” 

“Fuck…” Dean’s hips were shuddering as he fucked into Cas’ hand. “Tell me I can come.” He surprised himself and grabbed Cas’ hand, moving it to his throat. “Please.”

He could see the shock and raw lust in Castiel’s cerulean eyes and he squeezed slightly. “Oh Dean, you’re so good for me. Come for me sweetheart.” Cas tightened his hand a little more, just as Dean came with a series of grunts, painting his chest and face white. The sight easily pushed Cas over the edge as he called Dean’s name, and it was hard for Dean not to glance down and watch their spend mix. 

He finally allowed his head to go limp, and his eyes to flutter closed. Dean felt Cas lean forward and lick the come off Dean’s cheek, making his spent cock twitch pathetically. “You were so good, baby.” 

Dean hummed, unable to form words. 

“Let’s clean you up and go to bed.” He kissed Dean’s lips and stood up, letting Dean remain limp as he cleaned up. “So beautiful.” 

“You are.” Dean mumbled. “Castiel?”

“Yes, sweetheart?” He helped Dean stand and they made their way to Dean’s bed. 

Once they were comfortable, Dean yawned and remembered he was about to ask Cas something before they came to the room. “Will you tie me up, soon?” He had been so nervous to ask, but he felt so happily sated that it finally felt like the right time. Unfortunately for Dean, he didn’t get to hear Cas’ answer. Instead, he drifted off to sleep, dreaming of christmas cookies and bondage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Acaronar  
> [to tenderly, lovingly pull someone closer]
> 
> Can Jimmy get a little love now? Maybe?


	27. Natalis Invicti

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready for some Christmas in July? Oh yeah, meet the Novaks, folks.

_ "Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."  _

**\- Bart Simpson**

**Castiel**

Between work and practice, Cas barely got a chance to see Dean in the week leading up to Christmas. It was almost cruel, that at the exact moment they no longer had to really hide, they barely laid eyes on each other outside of the house. Jimmy was equally as busy with practice and Ophelia, so the time that Cas  _ did  _ get to spend with Dean wouldn’t have needed to be a secret either way. They had just about enough time together to ship the presents they’d gotten Dean’s family off and sleep together at night. 

He’d called his mom every day asking whether the present he’d gotten Dean had arrived and was still safe and intact. She’d said yes the first day, but that didn’t stop him from double, triple,  _ quadruple  _ checking. As it was, the gift drained just about every spare penny he had after buying the rest of his family gifts and it was the only thing he’d been able to afford to buy Dean, so if something happened to it, he’d be heartbroken. 

Christmas was on Friday, which meant Wednesday afternoon after the boys were done with practice, they were packing up their things and loading up into separate cars. Jimmy and Ophelia were taking Jimmy’s car, and Cas and Dean would be traveling in Baby. It seemed silly to Cas to take two vehicles just a couple of hours away, but Jimmy had insisted on driving so he could go see some of his old friends before they returned home the following Monday. Dean hadn’t argued at all; any chance to drive Baby and show her off to new people was a chance he readily took. 

The drive wasn’t bad, Cas held Dean’s hand almost the entire way and pointed out various landmarks on the way to his home. It had been a few months since Cas had made the trip himself and it felt good to get out of Helltown for a little while, even if the next several days were going to give him anxiety. He loved each and every member of his family and he was  _ thrilled  _ that he didn’t have to hide his relationship with Dean, but having six people stuck together for five days wasn’t necessarily something he was looking forward to.  _ Especially  _ when three of those six were going to be so hyper-focused on the upcoming Fiesta Bowl that it would be a miracle any of them even remembered to wrap their gifts. 

Cas could sense Dean getting nervous the closer they got to the Novaks’ residence, and he wasn’t entirely sure how to calm him down. It was scary, Cas knew that firsthand, and while his parents wouldn’t judge them for a second… they  _ would  _ get clingy and overbearing. It was just the nature of the beast. Dean wasn’t the only one apprehensive; Cas’ father had been absolutely enamored with Jaskier and Cas was worried - hopefully unnecessarily - that he’d let his previous bias cloud his impression of Dean. 

On paper and in reality, Dean wiped the floor with Jaskier in every category. He was a better human, a better player, smarter, and better looking… not that his father would care about most of that. And then, on the reverse, Dean had worked up his expectations of Cas’ father so much in his mind that he was afraid the real thing wouldn’t live up to the hype. It was a ridiculous thought train on both accounts - they were both incredibly amazing people that deserved even  _ more  _ credit than they were usually given - but it didn’t stop him from worrying that others wouldn’t see what he did. 

They pulled in the driveway and Dean sucked in a shuddering breath, staring at the house. Cas leaned over to kiss his cheek and held tight to his hand. “It’s going to be fine, Dean. I promise, they’re going to love you and you’ll hopefully love them. Not to mention, it couldn’t possibly go worse for us than Thanksgiving had, and if I survived that… we’ll both survive this.” He was grateful that Jimmy and O hadn’t arrived yet, they’d have a much better chance at a good first impression if it was just them. 

“You’re right. You’re right.” Cas heard a quick intake of breath just as his mother opened the door and started waving frantically to them. Dean’s grip on Cas’ hand was borderline painful as they headed up the steps to the front porch. 

“Hi honey, you must be Dean!” She ignored her son completely and pulled Dean into a hug, and the sight of it threatened to make Cas forget about every single bad thing that had ever happened to him. 

Dean hugged back with a surprised smile. “Uh, yes, ma’am.” He rubbed the back of his neck after she let him go, and then he unexpectedly grabbed Cas’ hand again.

“Oh, don’t be so formal, call me Astarte. Come in, you’ll freeze to death out there.” She ushered them in as Cas muttered,  _ ‘hello to you, too, Mother,’  _ with a grin. She kissed him on the cheek and closed the door behind her. “Your father’s in the living room, he said he didn’t want to get up if it was just the neighbor gal again.” 

Dean’s eyes slightly widened at the mention of Cas’ father, and apparently he realized Castiel still had some circulation in his fingers, because he tightened even more to cut it off.

“In case you can’t tell by how purple my fingers have become, Dean’s quite anxious to meet my father.” Cas gazed lovingly at Dean, and it finally registered to him that he was practically breaking Cas’ hand because he let go with a mumbled,  _ ‘sorry.’  _

“Well go on then, don’t let me keep you. Jim should be here soon anyway, and I’m anxious to meet that Ophelia. It’ll be nice to not be the only girl around here for once!” 

Cas smiled at his mother and led Dean through the foyer to the living room. “Father?” 

“Hey! There’s my tied-for-favorite son!” Jagger stood up with a wide grin and pulled Cas into a one armed hug, sticking his other hand out to Dean. “Well, I’ll be damned, if it isn’t Lightning himself, in  _ my  _ living room!” 

Dean shook his hand with an awed expression, he chuckled. “Uh, that’s what they call me. Not as cool as the fucking Jet!” His eyes widened again, and he covered his mouth. “Sorry!”

Cas chuckled softly but it was drowned out by his father’s absolutely obnoxious cackle. He clapped Dean’s shoulder and shook his head. “Sometimes I can still hear those announcers rambling on about defenses having Jetlag. Hold on tight to your name, kid. As cheesy as they can be, it makes you more memorable than any individual play.”

“Yes, Sir. I grew up watching your games. I didn’t even know what Jetlag was, but I was still yelling it at the defense, from the stands. Do you remember... well yeah, you probably remember. But I got to see your fourth quarter run back against San Francisco, live. 99 yards until the clock ran out, shit was beautiful.”

His father smiled proudly and pointed to a photo on the mantle above their fireplace. “Sure do, son. Proudest moment of my life, right up until the boys were born.” He blinked, suddenly looking a little scared. “Don’t tell Meg I said that, she’ll kick my ancient ass! I love your sister dearly.”

Cas shook his head. “Nope, I’m calling her right now, you can’t stop me.” He pulled out his phone, then took off at a run down the hallway as his father started chasing after him.

“You’re getting slow there, tight end!” He teased, right on Cas’ heels.

He smirked to himself before he came to a dead stop and pivoted, cutting an outside route and ducking into his father’s mancave. Jagger didn’t adjust in time and had to stop his progress with his hands on the wall. Cas came back out with a cocky expression. “Sorry,  _ Jet,  _ didn’t quite catch that. You said I’m getting slow?”

“Still got those spin moves though, proud of you, son.” He clasped his shoulder and looked around to make sure they were alone. “He seems nice. He’s not an asshole deep down, right? I really like his dance moves.”

“No, I assure you… he’s not an asshole. He tries sometimes, but it’s just for show. He’s really a giant cheeseball,” Cas grinned, heading back toward the living room as he caught his breath from his unexpected race around the house. 

Dean’s smile widened. “Please tell me you burned him or we’re running laps when we get home.” He leaned in and kissed Cas, but pulled back much too fast with pink cheeks. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Cas kissed him again quickly and turned to his father. “And yes, I burned him. Although, I think I’d still benefit from running a little more… I’m not in the shape I used to be.” 

Jagger approached Dean with his head tilted back. “My son here tells me you’re an asshole. That true?” 

Dean’s blush deepened and he looked at Cas. “Umm... I guess I was for a while but... I’m trying not to be. He deserves better than that.”

Cas rolled his eyes at Jagger and fixed his glasses. “That’s not how that went, you're just an instigator.”

"Yep, sure am. Shoulda done that with Morningstar, huh?" His father sized Dean up, smiling once again. "That was a damn good answer, I guess you can stay."

Dean chuckled nervously, “Thank you.” He looked at Cas like he really thought Jagger might kick him out.

He just shrugged, knowing damn well that Jagger had just officially given his blessing after about twelve minutes, which might have been a record. And with the initial meets out of the way, Cas started to relax... because now, the fun could begin. 

~~~~

“Just put them on, Dean. Seriously. It’s Christmas Eve, you have to.” Cas pushed the pajama set toward Dean again with a determined purse to his lips.

Dean sighed and took them, “Are they at least the right size? My balls don’t want a Halloween repeat.”

"My  _ mother  _ is here. They're appropriately sized, I promise." Cas was already wearing his; a long sleeved shirt and pants combo that looked like they came straight out of a Macy's Christmas catalog... because they did. "If you think these are bad, wait until you see what you'll be wearing tomorrow."

Dean’s arms fell adorably and he pulled off his shirt. “Fine. And this is only because I love you. Jimmy isn’t allowed to take pictures.” He slid the long sleeve on and messed up his hair, then started on the bottoms.

"It's a good thing I'm not Jimmy, then." He kissed Dean quickly once he stood back up and then grabbed his camera, giving Dean his best attempt at a pout. "Just one? I'll never share it with anyone, I promise."

Dean slid up the pants and then squatted, they were a little snug but not too bad. “Fine.” He crossed his arms, and frowned like a brat for the photo.

Cas’ heart sank a little, but he smiled all the same - both in the photo, and afterward. He always took Christmas a little too seriously, and it wasn't really Dean's fault if he didn't share Cas' enthusiasm for it. "Thank you, Dean. Now, let's go bake. If we hurry, I can sneak a pie in there after the cookies are done."

Dean lit up at that, “Pie and cookies? Tryna make me fat, Castiel.” He pulled him in and kissed him, much deeper than any kiss they shared since they arrived.

He pulled back, breathless and yet wanting more. "If you're good, I think we can sneak away long enough to work off some of those calories."

Dean bit his lip and checked Cas out. “You’re fucking adorable in those. I’ll be good.” He looked around, “Would we sneak up here?”

There would never be any getting used to the psychotic little flips his stomach did when Dean said things like that. He would just have to suffer them forever, and honestly, he was fine with it. “This house is way larger than it needs to be, I’m sure we can find somewhere secluded.” Cas hummed and pulled Dean with him toward the kitchen. Jimmy and O were running out the door, shouting hasty goodbyes to their parents and disappearing. Cas addressed Astarte, who was  _ also  _ putting on her coat. “Is everyone leaving?” 

She grabbed her purse and came over to kiss his cheek. “Yes, but your father and I will be back in a couple of hours. We’re taking flowers over to your grandparents. You boys stay here and get those cookies going.” 

Shit. He hugged her, pulling back and asking her to tell them ‘hello’ for him. When they were gone, Cas’ shoulders slumped a little.

“Hey.” Dean ran his hand up his back. “You okay?”

Cas leaned into the touch and then turned to wrap his arms around Dean. "Yes. She was talking about my mother's parents, Chuck and Naomi. They died when Jimmy and I were children, and my parents always take flowers to their graves on holidays. I feel bad they're going alone, that's all."

“Do you want to go? We can. Or we can bake cookies and be all domestic.” He picked up a random light-up candy cane headband and put it on with an innocent grin. “I’ll wear these if you smile for me.”

How could anyone deny that? Cas readily obliged, maybe a little wider than strictly necessary but Dean was so adorable it was hard to contain himself at all. He kissed him deeply, pulling back to preheat the oven. “You know... we’re alone now.”

“We are.” Dean licked his lips. “And am I being a good boy?”

“A very good boy, yes.” Cas pulled his glasses off and reached for a mixing bowl. “You know, if we time this correctly, I could be fucking you agaisnt this counter by the time we put the pie in.”

“Castiel...” Dean whispered, and Cas could see his entire cock twitch in his pajama pants.

A few moments later, he had everything he needed on the counter and a plan in his mind. “Do you want that, Dean?”

“Yes. Please.” Dean walked over and looked at the ingredients and then back at Cas.

“Go get the lube.” 

Dean turned without question and ran up the stairs, and Cas quickly started mixing ingredients and pulling out the cookie sheets. Over five minutes later, Dean was standing next to him again and holding out the bottle. “Sorry, couldn’t find it.”

“It’s fine, I probably should have told you where I hid it.” He set it on the counter and gave Dean directions until they were sliding the first tray of cookies into the oven. “We have nine minutes.”

Dean’s entire boner was on display in seconds, “Or ten, I like them a little crispy.” He walked over and palmed himself.

“We are not going to burn the Christmas cookies because you’re impatient, there will be plenty of time. We’ll just have to pause once or twice.” Cas pulled him into a kiss, replacing Dean’s hand with his own and thanking the gods he didn’t have to wait for this.

Dean moaned and opened for Cas, rutting against his hand. “Please, fuck me. Need your cock, Castiel.”

He winced from the sudden snugness of his pajama pants and practically whimpered into Dean's mouth. He'd never known this level of raw attraction and need with anyone, and he doubted he ever would again. Cas curled his fingers over Dean's bulge and stroked over the fabric until Dean was gasping. "Turn around and bend over, show me that gorgeous ass."

“Yes, Castiel.” Dean turned and then pulled his pajamas down, leaving just enough room for Cas to slide inside. “Fuck... I’m so addicted to you.”

The effort it took for Cas to properly open Dean up while stopping to wash his hands and make more Christmas cookies was unbelievable. Every time he thought he’d reached his peak with his level of self-control, he found himself in a situation with Dean that tested the hell out of it. 

Dean was outright begging for his cock by the time they got the third batch in and Cas lubed himself up to finally slide in. He was worried about how long it all had taken, especially because he had no earthly idea where his brother had gone. “Don’t hold back, okay, sweetheart? As much as we both want to enjoy this, we need to hurry.” 

One more moaned  _ “yes, Castiel” _ had him pounding into Dean, taking care not to slam Dean’s hips against the marble too roughly. Maybe it was the teasing it took to get them there or the knowledge they could get caught at any time, but Dean was quickly coming into his own hand with a grunt that drove Cas out of his damn mind. The timer went off, but Cas was too close to the edge to stop - cookies be damned. Dean’s ass was so tight and felt so good he couldn’t have left it for all the money in the world. He cried out Dean’s name as he filled him up, milking every last drop from himself as Dean moaned below him. Cas kissed his spine and reluctantly pulled out, reading over to shut the oven off quickly and yanked the door open to try and stop the cookies from burning. 

It didn’t work, and now he was going to have to explain some  _ very  _ crispy peanut blossoms to his parents. 

**Dean**

Dean rested his forehead against their cool, slick countertop a moment before standing up and looking at the mess he made. It wasn’t as bad as he thought, and none got on his pajamas. “That was hot. I’m gonna need that a few more times this weekend.”

“I don’t know how much more alone time we’ll actually get, but there will never be a day or time or scenario when I say ‘no’ to fucking you.” Cas winced at the burnt ass cookies and then washed his hands for about the fifth time. “I’ll just tell them I forgot to set the timer.”

“Yeah, that works. Ima run upstairs and clean up.” He was walking funny, but he normally did for a bit after Cas split him open. Dean absolutely loved the feeling, even though he might not admit it out loud.

Cas nodded and stayed behind to get the pie ready, and Dean grinned at the darkened cookies before heading up to clean himself off.

~~~~

When the family came back, Jagger was instantly talking about their Scrooge tradition. Dean had no clue what that meant, but since he could smell popcorn, he assumed it was the movie. He sat down against the arm of the couch and spoke football with Jimmy while he waited for Cas to join them. Jimmy had given him shit about Cas the day after he found out, but he really didn’t say anything beyond a couple  _ receiver  _ jokes, and Dean was thankful. By now, he just wanted to cuddle his boyfriend on Christmas Eve, without judgement.

“Move,” Cas said to Jimmy. “You’re hogging my boyfriend, and I think you’ve done enough of that over the last few months.” He shimmied his way between them and handed Dean the bowl of popcorn.

Jimmy scoffed but got up to grab him and O a blanket, then settled on the other end of the sectional. “Hands off my brother, Lightning.” 

“Did you hear something, Castiel? Sounded like a little rumble outside but nothing more than that.” He shrugged and then chuckled at his own Thunder joke as Astarte put in the movie. 

It wasn’t half bad, it was a little slow at times but cuddling with Cas was the highlight of the night. Well... their cookie sex might top it, but whatever. It was definitely  _ a _ highlight. When he first pulled Cas in, he felt butterflies and saw Jimmy and O smile at them. Dean knew Jimmy would never admit that smile, but he saw it, and it felt damn good. When the movie ended, he wasn’t ready to let Cas go. “Do we really have to sleep apart?” He whispered so only Cas could hear.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Dean. The second they’re in bed, we’ll figure it out.” Cas moved whether Dean wanted him to or not, stretching so far that his shirt rode up on his stomach. “I’ll never get tired of that movie.” 

Jagger chuckled. “Good, we’ve watched it every year for 24 years running and we’re not stopping any time soon. Get some sleep now, kids. Santa comes bright an early in the Novak house.”

Dean had no clue how they would do it, seeing as he and Ophelia were downstairs with the  _ Scrooges,  _ and Jimmy and Cas were upstairs. 

When he went in his room, he pouted and paced.  _ Not like I can get friggin pregnant. _

After what seemed like an eternity, his phone buzzed, and he looked down to see a text from Cas. 

**Castiel: The light in the hallway is on a motion sensor after 9pm. Wait until it goes out, that’ll tell you my parents are safely in bed. Close the door quietly behind you, and stick close to the wall. If you cut across the hallway near the giant Lombardi poster, the light will stay off and you should be able to come up the stairs.**

_ Jesus fucking James Bond Christmas Special!  _ Dean sighed and shook his head.  _ The things I do for love.  _

**Dean: You got it.**

Dean waited... and  _ waited  _ for them to go to bed. He got the suspicion they stayed up later than normal tonight, but once the light was finally fucking out he opened the door and peaked. He saw O doing the same Indiana Jones moves he was about to do and rushed out to fuck with her. When they reached the Lombardi poster, he pretended to push her.

She hissed at him and ducked, swatting his thigh and whispering, “Stop it, we both have the same goal here and we can either help each other or both get caught. Your choice, pretty boy.”

Dean grumbled and cut in front, making it without turning on the light. He did a nerdy dance and slipped on the hardwood floor when he stepped on his pajama pants. He didn’t fall, nor trigger the light, but O was laughing so hard, he worried she might get them caught. Dean darted up the stairs as quietly as he could, his cheeks burning red.

Cas was waiting at his bedroom door and pulled Dean in quickly, closing it behind him. “What the hell was she laughing at? I could hear her clear up here.”

“She’s weird.” He shrugged, not wanting to retell his embarrassment.

They climbed into bed and Cas huddled close. “I set an alarm, you’ll have to sneak back down before they get up. Ophelia’s on her own, Jimmy always forgets that part.”

Dean chuckled. “Okay.” He nuzzled into his neck. “Do I have to do all those same moves for that damn light or will it be off again?”

“Just make a pitstop in the restroom. Problem solved.” Cas slid his leg between Dean’s and kissed his forehead. “You’ll probably be fine.”

“Missed you.” Dean kissed along Cas’ neck and face. They were apart for an hour at most and he already missed smelling and kissing him.

Within seconds, Cas had him rolled onto his side facing the wall and was tugging at Dean’s waistband. “Can you be quiet for me, sweetheart? I need to be inside of you again.”

Dean shivered and nodded enthusiastically. “Fuck yes, Castiel.” His cock instantly woke up. “I’ll be quiet, I’m always quiet.”

“You’re never quiet, but that’s okay. I love it when you’re loud.” Cas worked Dean’s pants down then struggled with his own for a moment, grunting and squirming as he wrestled them off. Dean’s body was still very much compliant from earlier, so it took a lot less effort to prep him this time which was good for  _ both _ of them judging by the way Cas’ cock was pressing against his ass already. Cas slid into him from behind and he bit the pillow to stifle the sounds escaping him, not that it did a whole lot of good; it still sounded like the whole house would hear him. Cas seemed to be rapidly coming apart at the seams and started thrusting faster, with one hand clamped over Dean’s mouth and the other forming a loose fist around his cock.

Cas was right, he never could be quiet, but Cas’ hand on his mouth helped stifle the needy moans escaping his lips as he pushed back into him. Dean gripped Cas’ sheets and let him have full control. It didn’t take long for Dean’s eyes to roll back as he came into Cas’ fist.

Without missing a beat, Cas let go of his dick and rolled him onto his stomach for a better angle to pound into him. Cas leaned down and bit Dean’s shoulder as he filled up his abused hole for the second time that night. Dean mumbled into the pillow how good it was and felt himself drifting from consciousness, completely fucked out.

He was vaguely aware of Cas cleaning him up and whispering “I love you,” and he tried to mumble it back, but maybe he was already dreaming. 

Everything with Cas felt like a dream. 

~~~~

When Cas’ alarm went off, Dean grumbled a complaint but he could feel Cas kissing on his face, “Good morning, Dean. Merry Christmas.” 

Dean couldn’t ignore that, Cas sounded adorably happy about it, so he peaked open an eye, “Merry Christmas, Castiel.” He hummed and placed a kiss on his lips before he remembered he still needed to sneak back to his room. Dean jumped up with his eyes wide, “Shit! I have to go!”

After a quick kiss goodbye, Dean snuck out as quietly as he could. He didn’t see or hear any movement in Jimmy’s room, but hopefully they figured it out, because he was  _ not _ getting caught for them.

He tiptoed down the stairs and when he turned towards the hallway he heard a man clear his throat.  _ Fuck!! _

Dean turned and saw Jagger friggen Novak casually drinking coffee on the couch. “M-morning, Sir.” 

“Back to  _ Sir,  _ huh?” He grinned knowingly.

_ Hell yeah, we’re back to Sir! You just caught me sneaking out of your kid’s room! _

Dean rubbed the back of his neck, “I was just…” but he really didn’t have a lie. He didn’t take the time to plan one out.

“Shh.” The Jet waved it off. “I know what you were “just”, doing. But luckily, my glasses aren’t rose colored like my wife’s. I know you guys live together as is, I tried to get her to ease up but she doesn’t like the fact that her baby boys are growing up. Plus, she likes control. Sound familiar?” He friggen winked, and Dean felt his entire upper body heat up. 

“Yeah… it does.” He cleared his throat, “Don’t… tell her, please?” 

“Pfft.” He sipped his coffee, “I’m not telling her a thing. But tomorrow, you better wake up a little earlier. She’s already in the shower.” 

“Yes, Sir. Thank you.” Dean heard him chuckle and say,  _ “ah to be young”  _ as he made his way into the bathroom to clean up.  _ Better than being tossed outside. _

~~~~

When they all sat around the tree, Cas and Jimmy looked like straight up kids on Christmas. It was adorable - not Jimmy of course, Castiel. He looked so fucking cute in those Reindeer pajamas, it took everything to keep his hands to himself. Not in a sexual way, he just wanted to hold him. 

But Cas was excited to pass out presents, so Dean sat with his legs crossed on the floor, watching the love of his life shine brighter than  _ any _ tree topper he’s ever seen. Would it be weird to put Castiel’s photo on top of their tree in the future? He was an angel after all. 

When Cas was finally ready to open his present from Dean, he came over to sit with him and started ripping the paper. 

“Your smile is making me nervous.” He paused and tilted his head. “Is this appropriate?” 

Dean blushed, “What? Of course, it is.” He glanced at Cas’ parents who chuckled at the exchange. 

Cas narrowed his eyes and then tore it open. He pulled out the rolled up fabric and smiled, “A jersey?” 

“Yeah, but unroll it.” Dean motioned impatiently. “Real present is  _ inside _ the jersey.” He wiggled his eyebrows, earning him another skeptical look, but when he lifted it, a small canister clattered to the floor. Castiel picked it up, squinting at it with an  _ epic  _ bitchface and Dean howled with laughter.  _ Bear repellent.  _ “Get it? Too bad they didn’t have bear  _ trap  _ repellent, right?”

Jagger’s raucous laughter was louder than Dean’s as Cas shifted his weight to hide his ankle, but he started chuckling despite himself. You’re an ass, Dean. But that’s funny, even  _ I  _ can admit that’s funny.” 

Proud of himself, he pointed to the jersey. “Okay, now look at it.” 

Cas lifted it slowly, taking in the red #24 on the blackened front. He smiled widely at it, but when he turned it around and saw his brother’s #29 on the back, he looked almost startled.  _ Shit, that thing cost a fortune. Does he not like it?  _

“It’s a real one, not a practice one. I had it made so you don’t have to pick during the Bowl game, Cas. I didn’t want you to have to decide whose jersey to wear, so I-” 

That was the last word Dean got out before Cas pounced on him, tackling him back against the couch and peppering annoying kisses all over his face. When he landed on his lips, the kiss got  _ way  _ too heated for the audience they had. 

Jimmy chucked an empty box at them and Cas pulled back. “I love it, Dean. You’re incredible. This is the best thing you could’ve given to me… and now I forgive you for stealing yours back from me at Thanksgiving.” 

They were both blushing like idiots when they turned to see the entire Novak clan staring at them. Dean mumbled he was sorry and avoided visual contact with Jagger, but a smile played at the corner of his mouth when he saw Astarte’s warm expression. 

“Okay, Dean. It’s your turn,” Cas said excitedly. Dean had tried to peek, but he hadn’t seen anything with a  **To: Dean From: Cas** tag. That was explained pretty quickly when Cas got up and jogged out of the room.    
  
Dean fidgeted excitedly as he waited, and when Cas poked his head around the corner, he tried to crane his neck to see what he was hiding but couldn’t see a damn thing. Cas told him to close his eyes and he reluctantly obliged, holding out his hands in front of him and squeezing his lids shut. “C’mon, Cas. You’re killin’ me, here.” 

A small, square box landed in his hand and he opened one eye. “What is it?” 

“Open it, Dean.” Cas looked excited, his cheeks rosy as he dropped to his knees in front of Dean like he’d been waiting his whole damn life for this moment. He unwrapped the box carefully, and it was completely unmarked on the outside.  _ Damnit, no clues.  _

When he finally got the box open, his heart skipped a beat and then sank to his toes. It was full of custom guitar picks, adorned with realistic lightning - not those dumbass Potter bolts. The flipside of them had his initials sprawled in his own handwriting. “Cas, these are friggen  _ awesome,  _ but I don’t have a guitar. You’ll have to wait to hear me use ‘em until we see my dad again.” 

Cas’ face didn’t fall in the slightest; if anything, he looked even more excited than he had three minutes ago. “I’m not done yet, Dean. Close your eyes again.” 

_ There’s no fucking --  _ but the second his eyes were closed again, something that felt suspiciously like the neck of a guitar was placed in his hand. His eyes shot open and there was absolutely no mistaking that body shape. “Holy  _ shit,  _ Cas!” He tore off the paper and pulled the gorgeous thing into his lap. It was an all-black Fender Hellcat, complete with a custom lightning wrist guard to match the picks. 

Dean held it like it was a bomb as he stared down at it. “Castiel...” He thought the jersey was expensive, but that had nothing on this. “You... I got you friggin bear repellent! You spent so much!” Guilt and appreciation filled his gut and he couldn’t tell which emotion was stronger.

"No, Dean, you gave me the gift of not having to choose which one of you to support. That means more to me than you know, and you made me laugh." Cas grinned at Dean and kissed him quickly. "I love you. And I hope now you'll forgive me for working so much the past couple of months.”

Dean nodded and pulled Cas in for a tight one armed hug. He whispered, “thank you, I love you,” into his ear and sat on the couch to start tuning it, while the others finished up their presents. Dean didn’t know if Cas was going to ask him to play or not, but after about thirty minutes of tuning, Dean set it aside and stood up. “Pie time.” 

Cas clutched the jersey to his chest and glared at the bottle of repellent, which made nearly everyone laugh, and then followed Dean to the kitchen. 

**Castiel**

The jersey smelled like Dean and he hoped no one noticed him inhaling deeply. It was such a comforting scent that he nearly didn’t care what anyone else thought, but then again… he could actually get it from the man himself since they didn’t need to hide. He brought their bodies together once they were alone in the kitchen and smiled up at him. “Merry Christmas, Dean.” 

Dean smiled and wrapped his hands around Cas’ back and ran them up his spine. “Merry Christmas, Castiel. You made this the best Christmas ever.” He leaned down and kissed his lips softly.

“Let’s hope you don’t change your mind when you officially meet Meg in about five minutes.” Cas bit his lip and turned the corner of his mouth up. “It’s not... quite as bad as it sounds.”

“Should I be worried?” Dean looked around like she might pop around the corner.

Cas shook his head and turned to grab him a slice of pie. “No, she’s not here, but I think my parents are going to FaceTime her and there’s no way you’ll get out of it.”

Dean huffed a complaint and then put his arms around Cas while he worked the pie. He leaned in and kissed along his neck, “You look so good when you cut up pie.”

“It’s just because you love my pie.” Cas shied away from the kiss, only because he knew if he didn’t he’d be trying to find an excuse to get Dean alone. He tugged on Dean’s antler pj’s and brushed their noses together. “Enjoy your pie, I’m going to see if they’ve called her yet.”

“Yes, Castiel.” Dean grabbed the plate and carried it over to the table, probably hoping to hide out while they called Meg.

Cas walked over by the Christmas tree and they were already on FaceTime with the iPad. “Merry Christmas,  _ Megara,” _ he teased as he leaned over the back of the couch. 

“Gross, baby bro. Don’t ever use that monstrosity! Where’s your unicorn?” She tried to look around him.

“He’s eating pie... but he also might be hiding in a closet... again.” Jimmy laughed much too hard, making Cas feel guilty for his joke. “Let me go get him.” 

He vaguely heard his mother scolding her for calling her name a monstrosity as he walked out to find Dean. Of course, he was sitting there, looking adorable with a mouth full of pie. “At least you eat that way all the time and not just to get under my skin.” He walked over and touched Dean’s hair lovingly, speaking softly. “Come on, they’re waiting.”

Dean grumbled and stood up, wiping his mouth with his hand. “Is there pie on my face?” 

“No.” Cas grabbed Dean’s hand and led him back towards his family. 

As soon as Dean waved at her awkwardly, she made a dumb  _ oooo _ noise. “How the hell does my nerdiest brother get all the hot bottoms?”

Dean turned beat red and tried to hide his face in Cas’ neck, and Cas nearly fucking melted right there in front of everyone. 

“He couldn’t resist me explaining the sexual anatomy of worms.” He wrapped his arms around Dean and hummed. “He  _ is _ pretty though, isn’t he?”

Dean shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. “No, it was when you offered to prove to me you weren’t a hermaphrodite.”

Jimmy stuck his face over to look at the screen. “Which I’m pretty sure is a lie, right, Meg?” 

She rolled her eyes at Jimmy as Cas smacked him and leaned to the side. “Move, you’re in the way of the eye candy.” 

Dean hit Jimmy with a pillow. “Trust me, it isn’t true.” 

Astarte laughed, “We miss you, Megara. Too many boys around here. Ophelia and I are over it.” She teased.

“Here, here!” Ophelia yelled.

“I’ll be home soon enough. Tell those boys to keep their asses in shape. I won’t make the trek across the pond for anything short of a Championship.” She winked at Cas, and he wrinkled his nose in response. She was crass and abrasive most of the time, but she loved him fiercely and he truly did miss her. 

“Merry Christmas, Meg.” His family’s voices followed, echoing the same sentiments and they said goodbye. Meg had her own things to deal with, and the Novaks still had a couple of traditions to fulfill before the day was through. 

Dinner was amazing. Dean and Jagger got along great, and even Jimmy was being nice. The food was delicious, but Dean looked even better - and maybe Cas got a little adventurous with his hand under the table. He fingered over the soft fabric of Dean’s pajama pants and slid higher, nonchalantly taking a bite with his other hand and carrying on a conversation with his mother about his classes.

Dean kept his eyes on his dinner plate but when Jagger asked him a question about his major, he felt Dean push his hand away before he answered.

He left him alone for a minute but he couldn’t keep his hands off Dean. It was nothing new, they’d both been insanely needy for each other since Halloween, and this wasn’t an exception - at least on Cas’ part. When the attention shifted away from Dean again, Cas squeezed the inside of Dean’s thigh and dragged the back of his knuckle across his crotch.

He felt Dean tense and then push his hand off again.  _ “Stop it!” _ He whispered and then sat forward to rest his elbows on the table top.

Cas frowned, watching Dean’s facial expression and pulling back when he saw he was serious. Dinner wrapped up shortly after that and everyone but Jagger helped with dishes. He turned to Dean after, an excited glint in his eye. “Will you play for us?”

Dean looked at him with an unreadable expression and then nodded. “Sure, let me go get it.” He turned and left the room.

Jimmy nudged him. “Try not to hump him after, yeah? No one wants to see that with a belly full of Christmas ham.” 

“Shut up.” Cas shoved him, mainly because he knew he was probably going to do  _ exactly _ that. 

“Boys, no fighting on Christmas,” Astarte scolded, and both boys backed off.

Dean came back and sat at the edge of the recliner, “Um... any requests?” He cleared his throat nervously and strummed a few times to make sure the tune still held. “Something Christmas-y?”

After way too much argument, they settled on “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” and Cas sat as close to Dean as he could while still being able to watch the way his hands moved across the strings. It struck him then that this was something he’d always wanted, for as long as he could remember. His whole family together, crowded around and not only accepting  _ him, _ but the love of his life, too. The Christmas tree was lit up, as were the lights on the mantle, and the entire room was cast with colorful, beautiful light as Dean started playing. His family sang along quietly and it was such a cheesy, Hallmark moment that he was surprised Dean didn’t quit. He played wonderfully, and Cas was filled with such a feeling of warmth and happiness that the second Dean set the Hellcat down, Cas climbed into his lap to kiss him. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.” He kissed back and then pulled away. “Let me up, Cas.” Dean tapped Cas’ legs and attempted to stand.

He nearly fell off from the sudden movement, but nothing could dampen his spirits. Everyone said goodnight with full bellies and fuller hearts, and once Cas got back to his room, he texted Dean to tell him to come up.

**Dean: Trying to get me in more trouble? Not tonight, Cas.**

_ Trouble? What the hell is he talking about?  _ Cas squinted at the words and thought over the night. Maybe he’d been the only one that happy, maybe all the little cues he’d taken as Dean’s nervousness were really something deeper. That thought threatened to derail his entire holiday, and he didn’t think it was a good idea to try to have that conversation over text message so he stood at the top of the stairs until the light went out and snuck down. He made it without incident and texted Dean from outside his door. 

**Castiel: Knock knock.**

Dean opened the door and moved aside, letting him in. He closed the door with a sigh and turned to face Cas. “Good, now  _ you’ll _ get in trouble if we’re caught.”

“That was the plan.” He kissed Dean, frowning almost immediately at how... bland it was. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’.” Dean walked over and plopped on the bed. He looked way too fucking cute in his reindeer pajamas to be this bratty.

Cas was nothing if not persistent, and he’d wanted Dean so badly all day that he wasn’t about to let his attitude spoil it. He unzipped his pajamas and pulled them down until they were pooling around his waist and climbed onto Dean’s lap. “Want me to fuck you wearing the jersey you got me?”

“Jesus, Castiel.” He looked up at him and frowned. “Of course I want that. But your dad caught me this morning leaving your room, and then you gave me a damn  _ boner _ at Christmas dinner. Now we’re going to pretend I can stay quiet while you fuck me  _ two _ rooms down from your parents?”

_ No, this isn’t how this is going to go.  _ This wasn’t how they were ending Cas’ second favorite day of the entire year. “If my father was angry at you, you would know it. I’m sorry, I didn’t know it bothered you.” He kissed along Dean’s jaw, fighting back the embarrassment coursing through his veins because he knew Dean was right. He’d taken advantage of them not needing to hide and pushed Dean further than he was comfortable. By that logic, he should be heading back to his own room and leaving him be, but... “I’m sorry, Dean. I want you, all of the time, it’s hard to keep my hands off of you.”

He felt Dean deflate and wrap his arms around him. “I know, it’s hard. I’m just... embarrassed.”

Cas knew he didn’t mean by him, just that he was having trouble adjusting to his new reality. “The back door is nearly silent. What do you say we go out to Baby, and then you don’t have to worry about being quiet? I’ll take the heat if we get caught.”

Dean sat up and looked at Cas with hopeful eyes. “There isn’t an alarm and stuff?”

“Yes there is, but I know the code.”

“Okay.” He stood up, picking Cas up with him for a split second, before setting him down. “I miss Baby.”

“And I miss both of you, this is a win/win. Grab your keys.” Cas grinned excitedly and then snuck back out of Dean’s room. In a few steps they were at the back door, and Cas hastily entered the alarm code and they made it to the Impala with flushed cheeks. “I feel like a teenager.”

“Me too. I’m still scared of your dad, like a teenager would be... and your mom, actually. Your dad mentioned something about your mom liking control... not that you needed to know that. Sorry.”

Cas lifted his brow. “Dean, I’m very aware of which of my parents passed on the more dominant traits.” He laughed at Dean’s shiver and they crowded in the back seat until the car warmed up enough for them to get undressed. 

Without the eyes of their family on them, they took their time. And if they were a little late to breakfast... well, that wasn’t really their fault at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natalis Invicti  
> [birthday of the Unconquered - origin of December 25]


	28. Deus Ex Machina

_ "My philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice."  _

**\- Newt Scamander**

**Dean**

“I’m sorry, what now?” Dean stared at his Coach like he was sprouting tentacles. “You want me to  _ what now,  _ and you want me to do it  _ when?” _

Singer smacked Dean’s shoulder pad and repeated himself, and it still didn’t quite work it’s way through Dean’s brain. “Don’t make me say it a third time, now get your ass out on that field and run it until you get it right.” 

Dean was a little put out, Coach was making it sound like he’d already shit the bed with it a dozen times and he’d only ran it once, as a joke to let off some steam before practice officially even began. He’d muffed it at the end, but he hadn’t even really been trying - it was  _ just a fuckin’ joke.  _

He swallowed and said, “Yes, sir!” before jogging back out onto their practice field. There was no way Coach was seriously gonna want this to happen in the friggin Fiesta Bowl, so all he had to do was run it once more, maybe twice and Coach would get bored of whatever lesson he was trying to teach Dean. 

They ran it once - Dean fucked it up. “I’m a friggin  _ safety,  _ Coach, I don’t -” 

“Again!” Coach blew his whistle and Dean frowned at him, making his way back to the line of scrimmage. 

They ran it again - Dean didn’t fuck it up, but someone else did. 

The whistle blew and Coach waved them all back into formation. 

_ Jesus.  _

The third time, the play was flawless. Dean grinned, winking at his surprised quarterback and heading back off the field - but Coach stopped him dead in his tracks. 

“Did I say you were done?” 

“Coach, you’ve -” 

“Again!” 

_ Mother fu-  _

Over and over again they ran that stupid joke play until every damn one of them could do it in their sleep.  _ That crazy bastard is gonna make us do this on national fucking television, isn’t he?  _

That thought was both terrifying and exhilarating, but hell… if they managed to pull it off, it’d be a game to remember. 

~~~~

Sometimes, Dean still couldn’t believe they were actually headed to the Bowl game.  _ Sometimes.  _ Because if he was anywhere on campus, that Hunters pride was being shoved down his throat. Not that he was complaining, he was just as loud as the next guy... but the chicks were getting friggen annoying. 

Word had traveled that Dean was taken, and no one could get over the fact that “she” didn’t go to HU. Some of his teammates teased him, asking if his  _ imaginary _ girlfriend was going to the Bowl game, but they knew he could pretty much bag any chick he wanted so they didn’t push too much. 

Jask had pulled him aside after practice on Wednesday to give him some  _ advice. _ “You don’t have to say you’re “taken”, just tell them you don’t want a damn girlfriend during the season, that way you can still get laid occasionally, and they will all back off. Sort of. Those girls are just waiting to dig their claws in you, Lightning.” He winked and slapped his ass, jogging off before Dean could respond. Jask was definitely the last person Dean was going to take relationship advice from, but whatever. 

The locker room was buzzing with excitement. They just wrapped up their last practice at home before the game, so Dean wasn’t too surprised. The hoots and hollers were a step up from last week’s pranks in his book. 

“We gotta go home and pack!” Jimmy ruffled Dean’s sweaty head, and then wiped his hand off on his jersey. “Gross!”

Dean laughed, “Yeah, some of us are actually working out there, Thunder.” 

Jimmy flipped him off and then glanced around. “Cas tell you about his flight?” 

Dean’s excitement faded slightly. Cas couldn’t get a ticket on the same flight, and the thought of being on a plane  _ without _ Castiel had Dean on edge. The plane itself had him nervous, but not having his rock made it about 100 times worse. Yeah Cas was nerdy, but he was definitely the rock in this relationship. Dean would never deny that. “Yeah… he told me.” 

“Don’t look so down, Dean. He’ll be there, he wouldn’t miss this for all the money in the world. I don’t get it, but he kinda likes you, have you noticed?” 

That made Dean smile. He could feel Jimmy’s acceptance and before all this, he didn’t realize what a weight that was on his shoulders. “Yeah, well I love him, so…” 

“Again, gross. But I’m happy for you two.” Jimmy pulled off his pads and then leaned in, “If you break his heart, in any way like the way Jask did, I’ll kick your ass and key that car. Comprende?” 

Dean put a hand over his heart. “Kick my ass all day, I’d deserve it. But don’t touch my Baby, she has nothing to do with...  _ anything.”  _

“Then I guess you’ll be on your best behavior, huh?” Jimmy pulled off his pants and Dean looked away, quickly. “Aww, not curious about the twin thing?” He teased.

“Eww. No, not at all. I know he’s bigger than you.” Dean had to catch himself on his locker when Jimmy shoved him and walked off to shower. “Use soap, bitch!” He called out with a grin.

Dean decided to shower before going home, so he could spend every waking moment with Cas. He could feel his anxiety building by the second and needed Cas’ touch.

“Castiel?” He called out, walking straight to his room.

The door opened and Cas immediately threw his arms around Dean's neck. "Hi. Is Jimmy with you?"

“Dunno, I left him as soon as I showered.” He nuzzled into Cas’ neck. “Gonna miss you.”

Cas pulled him in and kicked the door shut, pivoting them around until they were falling onto the bed. "It's only a day, Dean. I'm going to miss you, too, but it'll go by faster than you think."

Dean shook his head with a pout. “I think I need to fit you in one of my carry on bags.” He wasn’t even going to see his boyfriend for New Years Eve, and this was the first time in his life he ever thought about a dumb midnight kiss.

"I don't think that would be very comfortable. But believe me, I'll be spending New Years here alone. I think I'll miss you more." Cas kissed him, running a hand up under his shirt.

“I’m going to lock myself in the hotel... what if we use FaceTime, and we fall asleep together?” He really didn’t think about how pathetic that sounded, because Cas’ fingers made him shiver.

"We can figure something out." Those fingertips danced back down Dean's body and slid between his legs as Cas kissed over his jaw.

Dean gasped and spread his legs for Cas. “Need you. Please.” He worried Cas wouldn’t want to - especially after last year - and he didn’t want to push him, but he needed Cas to use him. “Fuck my face, fuck me into the mattress, anything.”

"Dean, I -" Wide blue eyes met his own, and then Cas set his jaw in determination and nodded once. "Tell me what you want, be specific, and I'll do it."

“Tie me up.” He whispered. “Don’t let me come until you’re filling my ass up. Spank me... I know I’m asking a lot. But  _ we _ can do this. My anxiety is driving me crazy. Please... help me.”

Cas dropped his forehead to Dean's chest and took a shuddering breath. "Just please... please don't do what he did, no matter what happens. I'll do better this time, I know where I went wrong..." He tilted his head down further so Dean couldn't see his face at all. "I can't say no to you."

“Castiel, look at me.” Dean waited for him to look up. “I would never. Please... look into my eyes.” He cupped his chin. “I would never, ever do what he did. You got me... forever.”

Those blue eyes dilated like crazy and Cas kissed him so hard that the initial contact was actually kinda painful. Their fingers intertwined on both hands, and then Cas pinned them both above Dean's head. "You want me to tie you up, sweetheart? Bind your hands and feet so you're completely at my mercy until you're a shaking mess, begging for my cock?"

“Oh, fuck yes! Yes, Castiel. Make me beg... wanna be good for you.” His dick was rock hard in his jeans, begging for release and they hadn’t even begun. 

The last time they did this, Dean felt so fucking level headed for weeks. He couldn’t express how much he needed this with words, but he hoped his body told Castiel everything he needed to know.

Cas’ weight disappeared from the bed and he started stripping quickly. Dean took the cue to do the same. Cas called Jimmy to confirm he wouldn’t be back and then tossed his phone across the room and bent down by the bed. Dean sat up quickly to see what he was doing, hoping that -  _ fucking yes, the restraints that have haunted my fucking wet dreams for months!  _

“On your knees facing the headboard, palms flat out in front of you.”

“Yes, Castiel.” He hurried over and did as told, his muscles tense with anticipation. Dean could feel Cas eating him alive with his eyes, and it felt fucking amazing to be so... wanted. 

Dean never doubted his looks, but even still, no one had ever looked at him the way Cas did.

Cas moved the pillows out of Dean’s way and then rummaged around in the drawer. Dean craned his neck to see what Cas was doing but couldn’t make much of anything until Cas was climbing onto the bed and lining himself up behind Dean. 

“You are, without a shadow of a doubt, the most breathtaking human being I’ve ever laid eyes on.” Soft kisses peppered his neck and hands tugged, squeezed, and rubbed his bare, exposed ass. “I’m going to take my time with you, Dean. I want you coming apart at the seams by the time I’m through with you.”

“Take me how you see fit, babe. I’m yours.” He could feel his body trembling, and knew he was probably blushing, but he didn’t care.

The first smack to his ass was light - teasing even. Dean wiggled backward, seeking more, hoping Cas would understand he wanted it harder. 

The second smack was pretty much the same, just warming his skin up and making him bite his lip. 

The third, fourth and fifth came staggered, all in different spots, with Cas massaging the skin in between until Dean was growling with frustration and need. 

"Count down from ten, Dean. If you stop, move your hands or mess up, we're starting over and you'll have to wait even longer for my cock. Do you understand?"

“Y-yes, Castiel.” Dean was already fighting the urge to beg for Cas’ cock. He was leaking and writhing, forcing his hands to stay put. “Please.”

"Good boy." 

He made it through fucking  _ six  _ of them before his cock throbbed so hard he reached down to grip it. It took him a second to register he'd even done anything wrong, but Cas leaned in and flicked his tongue over his earlobe. "I love watching you touch yourself, Dean. Let me see it. Fuck your fist until I tell you to stop, and then we'll start over."

Dean hardly registered the fact that they were going to start over, but he was too far gone to care. He fisted himself, and fucked into it with a groan. “Ah fuck... gonna come... gotta stop, Castiel!”

It took Cas another three seconds to finally tell him to stop, and Dean had been  _ right fucking there. _ He cried out as he forced himself to let go, his toes curling behind him from the sudden denial. 

“You’re so good for me, Dean. Thank you for that, do you feel what you did to me by letting me watch?” Cas rutted against Dean’s stinging ass and yeah, there was no mistaking how fucking turned on Cas was. “Now, be a good boy and don’t move this time.”

Dean nodded, unable to form words. He wanted Cas so bad, all that would come out was incoherent pleads, if he tried. He put his hand back on the headboard with a whimper as he continued to pant.

By the time they finally got to ten, there were tears in the corner of Dean’s eyes and he didn’t know how the fuck he was supposed to make it long enough to get opened up. Cas kissed a line connecting his shoulders and rubbed something weird but cool all over Dean’s ass. It immediately took the sting off and he shuddered, digging his nails into the wood to stop himself from trying to touch him. 

“I’m very proud of you, Dean. I didn’t think you’d do it so quickly, you must really want my cock splitting you open.”

“Please... M’ a good boy.” He slurred out. “Fuck me.” Dean pleaded, closing his eyes tightly to blink away the tears.

“Soon, sweetheart. I promise.” Cas stroked Dean’s dick one time too many and he thought for sure he was gonna come - except, he didn’t. “Lay down and get comfortable. I don’t care what position you choose, just as long as I can still fuck you.”

Dean collapsed onto the bed, rolled over and spread out. “Please, Castiel. Need you.”

"I need you too, Dean. More than you know." Cas busied himself with securing Dean's hands and feet, checking in about eighty friggin times to make sure they weren't too tight. "Are you sure you're okay?"

“More than okay. But I will die if you aren’t fucking me soon.” He squirmed, and not being able to move made his sore cock twitch.

Cas climbed up between his spread, bound legs and ran a hand over his thigh. “You’re not going to die, Dean,” he said as he slicked a few of his fingers and warmed up the lube. “I won’t allow it. I’m into plenty of weird things, but necrophilia isn’t one of them.”

“No? Not even if- ah!” Cas slid in a finger, cutting off his dumb not even if it’s me comment. “Fuck yes!”

Cas hummed, crooking his finger and looking immensely satisfied with himself as he added a second. "Breathe for me, baby. The sooner you relax, the sooner I can bury my cock inside of you. We both want that, hm?"

“Yes! Yes, Castiel.” Dean took a breath, his entire body relaxing to Cas’ touch. But the time he got three fingers inside, Dean was whimpering and squirming. “Please... m’ready!”

"I know you are, Dean. But you asked for some very specific things, and I'm going to make sure you get them." Cas' other hand wrapped around his cock and stroked as he shoved his fingers in deeper, grazing against that spot inside of him that made him scream. "Don't come yet."

“Castiel!” Dean grunted, he needed release, but even still, he wouldn’t. Not without Cas’ permission.

It still fucking baffled him how much better Cas' hand felt around his dick than any girl he'd ever been with. He bit his lip, and choked back a scream with the effort it took not to come all over those gorgeous fucking fingers. When Cas finally pulled both hands back, Dean was shaking. 

"Now you're ready, sweetheart. I won't make you wait anymore. You can come whenever you'd like once I'm inside of you, but I should warn you... I'm not going to stop." The sound of wet lube sliding over flesh filled Dean's ears and he started outright begging.

“Oh fuck! Please... Please don’t stop! Fuck me, Castiel.” He tried to move again and groaned when he felt the restraints tighten. “I’ve been good.”

Cas nodded, lining himself up and pressing in slowly. Dean was so ready and so eager that there was barely any resistance at all. "You have been good, Dean. You're always so good for me. I don't know how I ever got so lucky." He bottomed out with one quick thrust and it punched the breath from Dean's lungs.

“Move... move... fuck me, hard!!” He tried to push his ass against Cas but he could hardly move.

He got his wish immediately. Cas growled and barreled into him, chasing his own release with no more regard for Dean's. "So good, Dean. You're so tight, I love the way your ass swallows up my cock."

Dean’s entire body was pliant and every touch, every word felt like electricity throughout his entire body. He was already tiptoeing at the edge. “Can I... come? Please! Tell me!”

"Come for me, Dean, I want to watch you paint your own stomach."

Dean grunted a, “Yes, Sir.” and then came, covering his stomach while staring at Cas’ lust blown expression. Cas made the hottest sound he’d ever heard and fucked him even harder, slamming into his abused hole again and again until his thrusts became staggered and Dean felt the hot release filling him up. 

He couldn’t move, think, or speak as Cas pulled out. He was vaguely aware of the restraints being lifted and then he was rolling onto his side as Cas cleaned him up. Dean muttered, ‘was fuckin’ awesome, Cas,” which earned him a soft kiss to the back of his neck. 

He was unconscious within seconds. 

~~~~

Dean paced around their gate as they waited to board the plane. “Coulda drove, man.” He took a deep breath and wrung out his hands. 

“Wow, is this it? Is  _ this  _ what finally cracks Dean fucking Winchester??” Jimmy teased. 

“Shut up.” Normally he’d have a much better response, but not today. Jask, Cole, and a dude named Ares walked over to sit near them and Dean raised his eyebrows when the guy sat on Jask’s lap. Ares had never hung out with any of them before. 

“Jealous?” Jask asked, making Dean snort.  _ Jealous? Far from it, buddy. Your loss was my gain, I finally have the trust I’ve been searching for my entire life. Good luck with that. _

“Don’t talk to him. He’s scared.” Jimmy teased. 

Dean popped his neck. “You mean to tell me you’re all okay with flying? Not  _ one _ of you is a little nervous, too?” 

Garth came over and shrugged, “I grew up flying all the time. You’re gonna be just fine.” 

Dean waved a hand impatiently. “Why are we just sitting around?” 

“Someone needs to get laid.” Jask teased, and Dean narrowed his eyes at Jimmy when he laughed louder than necessary. 

They called out over the speaker to line up for boarding and Dean completely forgot what they were talking about. “I think I forgot something at home. I’ll just meet y'all there.” He reached for his bag and tried to book it, but Jimmy  _ and _ Jask grabbed him. “Fucking traitors!” 

Coach walked over shaking his head, “Someone get this princess some new boxers. Lock it up, Safety.”

“Yes, Sir.”  _ Goddammit! I need Cas.  _

He didn’t like feeling so dependent, but Castiel gave him the strength he lacked. As they stood in line, he pulled out his phone to text Cas. 

**Dean: I need you**

His thumb hovered over the send button before he backspaced it away.  _ Shit.  _

Dean’s teammates finally got him on board and in his seat. Garth sat with him, saying annoying affirmations. The cheerleaders thought Dean was the cutest thing ever and all wanted to be there to comfort him, but Garth shooed them away. Dean was thankful, even if he couldn’t use actual words. 

He sat there with his eyes closed tight, taking deep shaky breaths. He felt Garth shift and stand up, but he didn’t dare to open his eyes.  _ Just breathe. It’s under four friggin hours on a plane. Thank god there isn’t a layover, these asshats wouldn’t get me on another one of these death birds! _

He felt a calming warm hand grip his and his eyes shot open, but he already knew exactly who it was. “Castiel… how?”

“Shhh. I’m here. Just breathe, Dean.” He stared into those beautiful, calming oceans and felt himself relax for the first time since he left Cas’ presence.

Dean exhaled and laid his head back. “Thank fuck.” 

Cas smiled fondly, like he thought Dean was adorable, but he felt anything but.  _ Just a few hours. Castiel is here, everything is fine.  _ “Turns out the lady I spoke to about my ticket mishap is a fan of yours, and she moved some things around to get me on.” He looked around quickly to make sure everyone else was seated and not paying attention, then leaned in and kissed him quickly. “I know you hate flying. I would have stowed away with the baggage in order to be here for you.” 

“Thank you. I tried to run but these asshats forced me on.” Dean looked back at his teammates with narrowed eyes.

“That’s because they need you, Dean. We all do.” 

Dean sighed and laid his head back. “Stay with me? Garth can sit in your seat.”

Cas chuckled and Dean could tell he was fighting the urge to hold him, “I’m not going anywhere. I already coordinated with Garth. I’m here.”

The flight went off without a hitch, and when they landed, Dean told everyone he’s never flying again. He knew they would force him on again after the bowl game regardless, so his words held no merit. 

It didn’t even feel like New Years Eve. They had very strict  _ no drinking  _ rules and a curfew, but that didn’t mean anything to Dean. He didn’t care about the alcohol free party two rooms down, he just wanted to hold Cas, and kiss him at midnight. Dean noticed Jask watching them the entire time, and really didn’t want to be under his microscope anymore than necessary. 

At 11:58, Dean tugged on Cas’ beautiful sex hair. “So uh… I’ve never had a New Years kiss.”

Cas sat up and looked into his eyes, “What?! Seriously?”

“Yeah. I mean… I’ve kissed someone on New Year’s Eve  _ and  _ on New Year's Day. Just never like… at midnight. You know, as the New Year begi-” Cas crashed their lips together, and cut him off. They made out well into the New Year and ended with some hot ass dick rubbing before drifting off to sleep.

~~~~

Everyone was restless and even though he kept it short, Dean hardly heard a word of Coach's speech. They paced the locker room, bounced on the balls of their feet and practically yelled over each other the entire time. 

Once they were dressed, Dean made his way over to Jask. He could see the pressure he was under and was sure he hadn’t heard his voice the entire day. “You good?” He asked, clasping his quarterback’s shoulder. Dean could practically  _ feel _ the tension through his shoulder pads. “Yeah, you’re good. Best damn quarterback in the country.” 

“Not so bad yourself, safety.” Jask didn’t say much, but he didn’t need to. Dean could see the appreciation in his eyes. They did a dumb handshake and made their way toward the door.

When it was finally time, they lined up in the tunnel and waited some more. It felt like all they’d done is wait, but even that couldn’t dampen their spirits. Garth started singing  _ Don’t Stop Believing  _ and before the second verse the tunnel sounded like a damn Journey concert crowd or a bad karaoke bar, but it had everyone feeling better as they finally took the field. 

Dean jogged forward with his team and looked around the sold out stadium wishing he could lay eyes on Castiel, but just knowing he was there, was enough.  _ We got this! _

**Castiel**

Cas stood outside State Farm Stadium and looked over the flat expanse. He was out of his element there; he couldn’t see much of anything other than cars, industrial looking buildings, and blinding sunlight. It was a sharp contrast to the beauty surrounding First Energy Stadium, but then again… he definitely didn’t want to repeat the experiences he’d had  _ there.  _ He actually wanted his team to win. 

On that note, Cas was unbelievably nervous. He wasn’t even the one taking the field, but it didn’t matter. His twin and the love of his life were about to be playing, and his anxiety over what had happened  _ last  _ time he found himself in attendance at a Hunters bowl game was at an all-time high. Not to mention they were playing the only team that beat them during the regular season. 

_ What if the same thing happens? Will Dean blame me? He wasn’t hurt, we didn’t do anything, and he’s been playing better than ever recently but… what  _ **_if?_ ** He shook the thoughts off quickly. Dean wasn’t Jaskier. They were so different he couldn’t even begin to understand how he’d ever considered the possibility that Dean would do what he’d done. 

Sam wrapped his arm around his shoulder and pulled him in, digging his knuckles into Cas’ scalp. 

“Samuel! Stop, you’re a…  _ child!”  _ Cas squirmed out of his grip but smiled at him. “It’s good to see you too, but I think my hair looks ridiculous enough without you assaulting it. Where are your parents?” 

“In the stands already sitting next to yours. I got your text and figured I’d come make sure you didn’t get lost out here.” Sam’s eyes lit up. “Can you believe we’re here?! That  _ Dean  _ is playing in the Fiesta Bowl? It’s insane, I’m  _ so  _ excited.” 

Cas laughed, placing his hand on the back of Sam’s shoulder and pushing him along. “Yes, even though I was in a similar situation last year, this year feels… different.” 

“Because you’re dating someone in the game, too?” Sam’s face held nothing but innocence, and it occurred to Cas that he probably didn’t know. 

“I was dating the quarterback last year, actually. But, if I’m being honest, I didn’t care for him half as deeply as I do your brother. Not to mention, they’re playing better than they did last time and I think they have a real shot.”  _ Because you didn’t break one of the most important players right before kickoff.  _ Cas grimaced to himself, but luckily they had made their way inside the bustling stadium and the chance for conversation was temporarily cut off as they fought through the crowd and up the stairs. Mary embraced him immediately and John shook his hand. Cas hated the fact that they didn’t know, but he understood why Dean wouldn’t tell them. 

No, no he didn’t. It didn’t make sense at all. John and Mary Winchester were two of the nicest, most genuine people he’d ever met and they loved their sons -  _ both  _ of their sons - with all of their hearts. John might get a little weird about it, but Cas had no doubt that he’d be accepting. Still, it wasn’t his place to spill the secret and he was determined not to fuck it up; he’d made  _ damn  _ sure that Jagger and Astarte had understood prior to sitting with the Winchesters that they weren’t allowed to say anything stupid or inappropriate. He eyed his parents to see if they’d screwed up while he was gone, but things seemed to be going well. They chatted as much as they could with the noise around them and John complimented the jersey Dean had gotten him that was half Winchester, half Novak. 

“Kinda a low blow to your twin though, huh?” John’s expression was friendly, so Cas knew he wasn’t trying to be offensive. “Dean’s just your roommate, right?” 

Cas frowned at the #24 on the front of his jersey and then looked John in the eyes. “Dean is my best friend, and he means a great deal to me. I’m equally as excited and supportive of him as I am my twin.” 

John held his hands up in mock surrender and chuckled. “No offense meant, Cas. I’d have pummeled Sonny if he’d worn anyone else’s number in college and we aren’t even real brothers.” 

He made a mental note to ask Dean more about his Uncle Sonny. He’d mentioned him a couple of times, but never in a lot of detail other than the fact that he was really fond of him. He wished he would have known more; it would have been a good way to bond with John. “I didn’t take offense, Sir. I just wanted you to know that I care about him, too.” 

Maybe that was too much, or crossing the very thick line Dean had drawn, but he didn’t care. Sooner or later, they wouldn’t be keeping their relationship a secret anymore and when Dean did finally tell his parents about them, he wanted John to know that his eldest was in good hands. 

They continued making small talk. The Winchesters asked him how Christmas had been and thanked him profusely for the photo album he’d sent them as a gift. They gushed about how nice it was to have pictures of Dean’s first year in college. He rarely, if ever, used Facebook and certainly never sent them any pictures, and Mary grilled him on the specifics of a few. He laughed his ass off recounting Charlie’s outfit mishap with Dean’s Indiana Jones costume - leaving out the reasoning behind it, of course - and Sam howled right along with him. Cas actually took a moment to take some of the families together to show Dean after the game. Dean had been nervous as hell that the Winchesters and Novaks would be meeting without him present, but Cas was pretty sure things would be fine. 

_ Pretty  _ sure. 

The opening ceremonies started so their conversation died off, but Cas was happy with it. One way or another, he wanted to continue to make a good impression with Dean’s family and so far, his own hadn’t done anything stupid. Mary and Astarte actually hit it off really well, and Jagger and John were practically on top of each other trying to discuss Jagger’s career over the noise of the crowd. 

With everyone distracted amongst themselves, Cas was left to his own devices which just meant his nerves were so fried that he barely registered what was happening until the Hunters took the field. Jaskier and the other team captains made their way to the center for the coin toss, and Cas leaned forward to white-knuckle the chair in front of him. He knew all too well which outcome Jask was hoping for, and he  _ got  _ it. Cas cheered at the news that they’d be getting the ball back after halftime. They were undefeated when that was the case, and every single one of them needed this win for more than just a shot at the title. 

Jericho’s offense took the field and Cas held his breath during the entirety of the first play. John, Jagger and Sam were next to him, going over plays from the last matchup between the Reapers and the Hunters, but Cas didn’t give a shit about last time. This was now, this was different, and this game was  _ way  _ more important. They made it about halfway down the field before their drive stalled and they had to bring their punting unit on. 

Cas had his binoculars with him. The jumbotrons were great, but he couldn’t rely on them to show him what he truly wanted to see, which was Dean. He focused on the sidelines until he saw Jimmy and Dean doing their signature handshake near the bench, and he grinned to himself. He showed Sam quickly, who referred to their brothers as ‘dorks,’ and then it was time for the Hunters offense to take their first snap. 

Jask dropped back into shotgun formation and hit Danvers for a twelve yard gain on their opening drive. Astarte screamed loudly, clapping and jumping up and down - she’d loved Jaskier, for better or worse, and was  _ never  _ quiet about it. 

If Cas had to guess, the stadium was about a 40/40/20 split - the 20 being people just there for the Bowl game itself, not necessarily either team. The Hunters were definitely the loudest as Jaskier & company lined up again and snapped quickly. Cas loved watching them run their hurry-up offense at the beginning of the damn game, but the Reapers were ready for it. Cole was swallowed up almost instantly, and Cas had some pretty strong flashbacks to their last matchup where the Reapers had managed to stall the Hunters’ momentum pretty quickly and they never really recovered. 

It seemed like Coach Singer had done a better job at preparing them for this game, though. Morningstar connected to the TE John Ross on the next play, and he broke a couple of tackles before finally getting dropped around midfield. 

The rest of that drive was pure, unfiltered magic. No mistakes, no stalling, no near misses. When Cole crossed the goal line to put the first 6 on the board, Cas regretted not bringing ear plugs. They were in the same stadium where the Arizona Cardinals played, and it was easily 30% larger than the Hunters’ own stadium, and the difference was deafening. Cas thought there must have been 60,000 people packed into those stands, and it seemed to him they were even louder than the crowd at the Sugar Bowl. 

Garth put up the extra point and then delivered one helluva kickoff. One of the players on special teams Cas couldn’t remember the name of, downed the ball on the Reapers two yard line, causing their offense to line up basically in their own endzone. After a failed rush attempt, Jericho’s quarterback attempted to throw deep over the middle to what  _ looked  _ like an open receiver, but Lightning was right there. John, Mary, Cas and Sam all leapt to their feet as Dean pulled in the first interception of the game in front of a sold-out crowd and took it home. He was immediately swallowed up by the rest of his team, and Cas was incredibly, indescribably nervous that they’d get called for unsportsmanlike conduct for the intensity of their celebration. But luckily for them, the refs seemed to be more laid back than the ones they’d had for the first Reapers/Hunters matchup and they let it go. The points stood, and Garth tacked on another one. 

Cas couldn’t believe it. He was so proud of Dean he thought he’d burst right out of his own skin, and he wasn’t the only one. John’s voice was already hoarse from screaming, “That’s my boy! That’s my son!” over and over again to anyone that would listen. Mary had tears in her eyes and Sam looked like he’d just been told he’d gotten a full ride to Harvard. It was beautiful, and Cas managed to snap a couple of pictures of them for Dean so he could  _ see  _ how proud they all were. His own parents were just as excited, Jagger had moved over next to Cas a couple of plays previous - and thank the  _ gods -  _ because he started yelling about how Dean was his ‘future son-in-law.” Cas stamped on his foot to get him to shut up, but it was too late - it was incredibly clear by Mary and Sam’s faces that they’d heard.  _ Shit, shit, shit!  _ John, mercifully, wasn’t paying attention anyway so Cas thought his half-assed attempt at explaining the ‘joke’ might have actually worked. 

The Reapers rebounded, answering the pick-six with a TD of their own, but it still didn’t do a whole lot to stall the Hunters. They went three-and-out the next drive, but he could tell from their body language alone that they hadn’t lost their spark. It was just a bad drive, not a bad game. Jericho opened the second quarter with a field goal though, pulling the score to 14-10 Hunters. It was too close for comfort, but 4 plays into the Hunters’ next drive, Cole Trenton broke through the defensive line and took it an incredible 57 yards to the house. 

Jericho used their first time-out on their next drive, and John leaned in toward Cas. “Did you play?” 

He nodded, turning to look at the man. “Yes, I was a tight-end up until I graduated high school. I’m studying sports medicine now, so the game won’t be  _ too  _ far away from me. Dean told me you played as well?” 

“Yep, sure did. Woulda kept going too, if it wasn’t for this stupid bum leg.” He tapped his thigh and Mary smiled gently at him. “Suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you played, with an old man like Jagger The Jet!” 

Cas laughed and nudged his father. “He didn’t really give us much of a choice, honestly.” 

“It’s in your blood, Cas! I’d have made Meg play too, if your school would’ve allowed it.” Jagger grabbed him and put him in a headlock which was harder than he’d remembered to get out of. 

“Oh, right! You have a sister. Was she not able to make it?” Mary asked Astarte just as Cas finally wriggled free. 

Sam handed him a bottle of water as Astarte answered, “She lives overseas. I thought she’d make it to this but she said she couldn’t take the time off work, especially in the event that the Hunters make the National Championship. There’s no way she’d miss that.” 

The Reapers were already a couple of plays in when Cas turned his attention back to the game, and they were driving. Again. He fidgeted with his hands, pulling little pieces of skin from around his fingernails as not only HellStorm, but the entirety of the defense failed to do a godsdamned thing to stop them. Their kicker was every bit as good as Garth, and suddenly they were going into halftime only up by 4. 

John and Sam went down to the belly of the stadium to get food and beer, and Cas nearly asked John to buy him one but was afraid to with his parents right there. He was antsy as hell, and Mary must have noticed because she rubbed his back comfortingly. “They’re doing great, sweetie. They’ll pull through.” 

He laughed a little bitterly at how much that sounded like the Hunters were in intensive care or something, but that was just how seriously their families took football. “I know, I know. But honestly, I don’t even want to go home if we lose this game.” 

She didn’t respond, and he was grateful. He didn’t want to have to explain how traumatic the last Bowl game loss had been, or even this year’s regular season loss. It was too much to even think about. 

John and Sam returned right after the marching band left the field and John actually had brought Cas a beer. “Here, son. You look like you could use this, just… don’t tell anybody.” He winked at him and looked right at Jagger, and Cas grinned nervously as he took a generous sip and turned to his father. 

“Kids can drink if their parents are there. You can’t yell at me.” The logic was flawed on a lot of levels, but Jagger hadn’t ever cared about this kind of thing. He simply grabbed his own and raised it for a toast. 

“To Thunder and Lightning, the greatest safety duo to ever play college ball!” John beamed so brightly at the praise for his son that he probably could have lit the entire dome all on his own. 

The alcohol helped to calm his nerves, but wasn’t nearly enough as play resumed. Morningstar ran a trick play that nearly failed miserably, but somehow ended up as a wash on the line of scrimmage. They stuck to their normal playbook after that and got Garth into range, knocking through a 44 yard field goal to open the second half. Up by a full TD again, Cas relaxed minutely as the Hunters D took the field after the kickoff, hyping up the crowd as they got into position. They stalled the Reapers quickly, but for a few minutes, neither team really managed to get anything going. 

The Reapers broke the spell first with a short field goal. The crowd was buzzing so loudly that Cas could barely think straight, and John had to ask him three times if he wanted another beer before he finally registered the question. He declined, knowing that an $18 beer wasn’t going to help enough to justify the cost. 

The Hunters sideline looked frenzied and a little worried through Cas’ binoculars, and he silently begged every single one of them to calm down. He absolutely understood. For some of them, this could end up being the last game of their collegiate careers - and there had been a lot of media attention surrounding them after their loss the previous year. But that didn’t mean they could lose their cool. The only way they were going to hold onto their lead and bring it home was to stay calm. 

That lasted all of four minutes, because Jaskier threw an interception which set up yet another Reapers field goal. Cas swore so loudly and obscenely that Mary actually looked shocked. He apologized quickly, but she shook it off and said something almost equally horrible. He grinned at her until he saw the scoreboard: 24-23 Hunters. A one point lead didn’t do anyone any good, and that score didn’t change again until there were less than three minutes left in the game. 

Jaskier dropped back and quick-released a pass to Danvers, who caught it in open field and took  _ off.  _ Cas flicked his eyes rapidly between the jumbotron and the field itself until Danvers was past the 15 -- the 10 -- the 5 --  _ TOUCHDOWN! _

Cas screamed so loudly he thought he burst his own eardrum. 31-23 as the two minute warning stopped play after the kickoff wasn’t half-bad at all, and the show Thunder and Lightning put on engaged the entire crowd. The Winchesters and Novaks all laughed and cheered next to him as the dance was broadcast over the jumbotron and they could all see the joy on Jimmy and Dean’s faces. With them going into the final drive up that high, Cas just  _ knew  _ they were coming home with the win. 

The Reapers, however, had entirely different plans. Their drive was flawless. Castle proved himself once again to be a worthless addition to the defense, and Jericho’s offense exploited that over and over again. Jimmy and Dean could only be in so many places at once, and with only 7 seconds left on the clock, the Reapers’ quarterback snuck over the goal line. 

The entire Hunters’ fanbase went dead silent. The screams and shouts of the Reapers’ supporters sounded far away, muted almost, as the entirety of Cas’ world focused on the field. The score was 31-29. They had to go for two, and even then, the game wouldn’t be over. Overtime was a thing, and he had all the faith in the world in Jaskier this time around. It would be okay, right? .... Right? 

_ The snap.  _

_ The drop back.  _

_ The pass. _

_ The jump.  _

Cas’ heart sank as he saw the Reapers’ wide receiver grasp the ball in the air, but his brain barely had time to think the words ‘fucking shit godsdammit’ before his insanely awesome, wonderfully talented brother was quite literally  _ punching  _ the ball out of his hands. It bounced to the ground and out of bounds, and the field became chaos. 

The defense was celebrating already as the offense petitioned the refs to take another look. They were convinced the receiver’s feet had been down before he’d lost control, and with it being such an important play - they got their wish. 

It took  _ forever  _ for the refs to fully review, and Cas was pretty convinced he was going to have a heart attack and die before they announced their verdict. 

_ “After review, the ruling on the field stands....”  _

The rest of his speech was completely lost to the noise. Cas couldn’t hear anything but the pounding of his own heart as Jaskier took a knee on the 20 yard line to end the game and secure their victory. 

They did it. The Hunters were going to the National Championship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deus Ex Machina  
> [An unexpected power or event saving a seemingly hopeless situation]
> 
> *Only two more chapters!


	29. Aisling

_ "I am what I am, an' I'm not ashamed. 'Never be ashamed,' my ol' dad used ter say. There's some who'll hold it against you, but they're not worth botherin' with." _

**\- Rubeus Hagrid**

  
  


**Dean**

They fucking  _ won!!! _

The Hunters were going to the Championship!

It took all of Dean’s resolve not to run and find Cas so he could kiss him on national television. Everyone else was grabbing their significant others and yet, he couldn’t. But he wasn’t about to let that get him down. He could still hug him. Any contact with Castiel was great, and if he held him longer than anyone else, that was his business. 

They had interviews and dinner but regardless, none of it distracted Dean enough. He wanted to have some fucking victory sex with his damn  _ boyfriend.  _ He popped at least three boners throughout it all and by the time they made it in the hotel, he was done.

Jimmy, Ophelia, Sam and Cas walked into Dean’s room, ready for some champagne but Dean didn’t give a shit about that, he took one look at Cas and snapped. “Nah, I can’t do this. Everyone out.” He pulled Cas in and smiled against his lips, “Not you.”

“Ewww!” Sam rushed towards the door.

“Right behind you, Sam. Come on, guys. Get a room.” Jimmy joked as he pulled O along, but Dean and Cas couldn’t hear a word that was being said. All that existed was each other.

They were so turned on, and both so needy for the other that they didn’t even make it to the bed. Hell, they barely managed to do anything other than open their pants before they were making out and stroking each other’s cocks up against that closed door. It was hard to tell which one of them made a bigger mess, and by the time they cleaned each other off in the shower, they were ready for round two. 

“Wanna ride you, Castiel.” 

Cas gasped quietly and nodded, pulling Dean’s wet, naked body toward the hotel bed. He grabbed the lube and the fucker opened him up while sucking him off. Dean was a desperate mess by the time Cas finally rolled over and told him to get on, and he fucked himself on that perfect cock until Cas was filling him up and Dean was coming all over Cas’ chest. 

They went to sleep in each other’s arms, but Dean was so wired from the game that he couldn’t sleep for longer than an hour. Cas looked so damn good naked in that bed that he couldn’t help himself… he kissed his way down that beautiful body and Cas woke up to see his cock in Dean’s mouth. 

Even after all of that… they didn’t leave the room until they were forced to go to the airport. 

~~~~

Dean was nervous as hell for this interview. For one thing, it was live, and Dean never was good with words. If it was up to him, Cas would be there to answer the questions for him. He knew Dean better than anyone else… hell, he knew Dean better than Dean himself.

They hardly had time for some quick cuddles and kisses before Cas was helping Dean into his stupid suit. Coach Singer insisted his boys look their sharpest for these interviews and Dean hated it. “Friggin penguin clothes.”

Cas chuckled. “That would be a tux, sweetheart.”

“Whatever, Ima still waddle.” Dean adjusted his crotch and stood tall. “How do I look?” 

“You look incredible, Dean. Truly. I think I’m going to need to step up my game a little bit, the whole country is going to want you after this.” He gripped Dean’s tie gently and pulled him in for one last kiss.

Dean felt grounded with just one kiss. “Don’t want anyone but you. I love you.”

“Love you, too. Let’s go.” Cas walked over to the door and held out his hand. 

Jimmy was already in the living room with O. “‘Bout damn time.” 

Dean walked out and chuckled. “You gonna let him walk around like that, O?”

She rolled her eyes. “He looks handsome. Shut it, Dean.” 

“Yeah, whatever. Let’s do this.”

~~~~

“Nervous?” Dean asked Jimmy after they took their seats in front of the camera.

“Nah…” He glanced over and they both busted up laughing. “I’m about to shit my pants, Lightning.” 

“We don’t need no Thunder.” Dean joked, earning himself a shove off the stool. 

Coach Singer whistled at them and they straightened up quickly. Knowing him, he’d make them do suicides in their damn suits if they embarrassed him. 

Dean saw Cas a few people over and smiled. He looked so fucking beautiful it hurt. Cas had made a comment about the whole country wanting him after this interview, but Dean meant what he said. He only wanted Cas, and he truly hoped Cas knew that. 

But how could he? How could he when all Dean ever did was hide him.  _ Fuck… he could have anyone and he wants me. He’s willing to be a secret, because of  _ **_my_ ** _ fear. Castiel deserves this. _

Dean pulled out his phone and texted his family group chat. He wished he could have done this a better way for them, but it was crunch time.

**Dean: Hope you’re all watching. By the way, I’m gay. Please don’t hate me.**

“Hey, Jimmy.” Dean looked over and Jimmy nodded. “I…” He leaned over. “I’m going to come out right now.”

His eyes widened. “Fucking serious? Goddamn, Winchester. Go big or go home.”

Dean huffed a nervous laugh. “Yeah… I guess. Castiel deserves this. But I won’t, if you’re not okay with it. I’m not trying to steal the spotlight.”

Jimmy shook his head. “You’re Lightning. You are the light here, bro.” He clasped his shoulder. “You’re right, he  _ does  _ deserve this. You have my blessing or whatever.”

“Thanks, Jim.” Dean nodded and took a deep breath. “Really, thanks.”

“No prob. Just take care of my brother.”

“Always.” Dean chuckled. “Although I think he takes care of me the most.”

“No shit,” Jimmy grinned. “This is  _ big _ man, I’m proud of you.”

“Shh.” Dean sat up as their interviewer walked over. 

“Hello boys. You guys ready for this?” She got comfy in her chair and crossed her legs.

“Yup.” Dean said, looking past her at Cas. He smiled encouragingly and moved a little closer. 

“Born ready, Ma’am.” Jimmy said, straightening his jacket.

“Let’s get this show on the road.” She turned towards the camera and waved her hand.

“I’m sitting here with Dean Winchester and James Novak. You heard that right, folks. Lightning  _ and  _ Thunder are here to answer a few questions for us and if we’re lucky, maybe we can get them to dance for us later.” She laughed at how they both waved their hands no, instantly.

She asked them about their childhood, family, motivations and dance moves. Warming them up for the big question.

“What do you thank for your success?”

“Umm… I actually have a… a kinda long answer for that… if that’s okay with you, Thunder?” He looked over and Jimmy nodded in encouragement, with a small smile. “Uh, how much time we got?” Dean blushed,  _ here goes nothin’. _

“Oh?” The reporter looked like she was excited for something juicy. “We have as much time as we need, please, share.”

Dean took a deep breath. “Well, I can start with the obvious. My parents and my little brother for always being there and supporting me, pushing me when I needed it. To my highschool football coach, Coach Davis. Thank you for being there when I wanted to quit and for convincing me not to. Then there’s my team and Coach Singer, we would have never made it without that tough love. I’d name them all, but I have a few more things to say before you play me off.” He paused a beat. “This wasn’t the first school that offered me a scholarship. I’m sorry mom - this is the first time I’m telling anyone in the world this. Before I got my letter to be a Hunter, I got a letter for a full ride… to UCLA. I would have been a couple hours from home and… and I’m sure I could have loved it. But I denied it. I denied it before I even had a back up plan because I needed to get away. Not from anyone, but from myself. I couldn’t be that person anymore.” 

Dean paused and took a shaky breath and when he opened his eyes, he found Cas’. The sea of blue instantly grounded him and gave him the strength to continue, “I was lying to everyone I knew, worst of all myself. I accepted this scholarship so I could start fresh and discover who I really am, and here in Ohio, I have finally found myself.”

“That’s beautiful Mr. Winchester. And how do you feel about the man you are, today?” She asked with a smile.

“I think he’s pretty awesome.” He grinned and a few people laughed around them, Jimmy included.

“I think a lot of people agree. I have to ask, was there a lucky lady in all of this?” 

Dean huffed a laugh, “Quite the opposite, I’m the lucky one.” He met Cas’ eyes again as the world stilled around him. “I’m gay.” 

The reporter’s eyes widened and she looked like she had just struck gold. “Pardon me?”

“I said I’m gay, and I’m tired of hiding it.” Dean felt more confident with each passing second.

She was obviously completely caught off guard by this news and Dean bit back a smile. “Any of you see someone who looks a lot like this dude, but hot?” Jimmy nudged him playfully and made a dumb comment about him being the hot twin,  _ yeah right.  _ “Speak of the blue eyed, devil. Castiel, you wanna come over here?” He waved Cas over, who looked like he was about three seconds from booking it. The fucker actually attempted to hide behind another reporter. “Don’t be shy, handsome.” 

“I’m the handsome one, Lightning, we just bat for different teams.” Jimmy didn’t mind the attention of course, but he waved his brother over and Cas finally got his feet to move forward. 

Cas mumbled how he was going to kill him under his breath and Dean scratched his head. He was probably in trouble, but he knew how to fix it. Dean pulled Castiel in and kissed him in front of the world.

The reporter smiled at them and then turned to Jimmy, “Well, James. I know you two are twins, how does this ma-”

“Wait, I have something else to say.” Dean interrupted, turning towards Jimmy to mouth  _ sorry. _

“Hey man, you’ve never stopped on my account before.” He ruffled Dean’s hair with his tongue out and Dean attempted to fix his hair. 

“I just…” He turned to face Castiel and take his hands. “Thank you.”

Cas looked around and then spoke for the first time, it was so low Dean could almost consider it a whisper. “For what?”

Dean responded so everyone can hear, “For loving me, when I didn’t love myself. For helping me learn to love and accept myself. For being you.”

“You made it easy, Dean. But you’re welcome.” He smiled and lifted up Dean’s hand to kiss it.

“Go ahead, Thunder.” Dean nodded with an infectious grin. “I’ll be quiet now.”

“What a miracle  _ that _ would be.” He teased and then turned back towards the reporter, “What was the question?”

**Castiel**

If Cas had to make a list of the most unexpected things to ever happen to him, Dean Winchester kissing him on national television would be at the very top. He’d initially been convinced he was dreaming - that there was no way in hell that he was awake and that’d just really happened. In that moment, he was so proud of Dean that he could have burst right out of his skin from all of the warmth and love and pride bubbling up inside of him. Coming out in any scenario was hard, but coming out when you’re in the spotlight had to be even more difficult, and Cas couldn’t imagine the amount of bravery that had taken. Cas was immensely grateful to Jimmy; it was abundantly clear that his twin was fully supportive and Cas had a feeling that Dean might not have gone through with it had he not been there next to him. He had no idea if Dean had planned this all along or if it was a last minute decision, but either way, as they made their way back home... he was prepared for Dean to panic. 

The second the door closed and they cut themselves off from the outside world, Dean picked Cas up and slammed him against the wall with a kiss that stole the breath right from his lungs. 

Dean pulled away to whisper a heated, “Want you so fucking bad,” before kissing down Cas’ neck.

He gripped Dean's shoulders, tilting his head to let Dean have all the access he wanted. An unfamiliar feeling was pooling in his gut and he gasped as he realized what it was. "Dean... I... I want you to fuck me. I need you inside of me... is that... would you want that?"

Dean completely froze and pulled back to look at Cas’ face. “What?! Y-you’re serious??”

_ Shit, does he not want that? _ "I... yes. You don't have to, but yes, Dean. I want to feel you..." He ran a hand down Dean's cheek and kissed him again, almost afraid of what his response would be. This was something he'd never offered before and the thought of ruining this moment because he asked for something Dean wasn't interested in was too much to bear.

Dean closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Cas’. “Yes... please... I didn’t want to ask, but I... I want to fuck you.”

The words sent a shiver down his spine and he nodded quickly, scrambling to pull his shirt off. “You should’ve asked, would have done it a long time ago for you.”

“I love when you fuck me, I- I didn’t want you to think I didn’t love that. But your ass is so beautiful. I want to try.”

Cas’ stomach flipped and he nearly ripped Dean’s shirt off too, tossing it to the side and then pulling Dean to the bedroom. “I think you’ve earned the right to do whatever you want to me. I’m so proud of you.”

Dean blushed and licked his lips. “Thank you. I’m proud to be yours.” He leaned to kiss Cas again, his hand sliding down to his ass.

He knew he was in for an entirely new sensation, but he trusted Dean with everything he was. He leaned into the touch, rocking on his tiptoes to get closer, kissing him deeper. “Do you know what to do?”

“No... but I have an idea. You opened me up pretty good my first time. Hopefully I can find a way to make it good for you. But if you hate it, just tell me. I’ll stop.” Dean had a slight panic in his eyes.

It was impossible not to smile at that. “I think we’ll be fine, I can’t imagine hating anything you do to me.” Cas dropped to his knees in front of Dean and looked up at him as he slowly undid his pants, working the fabric down far enough that he could flick his tongue over the tip of Dean’s cock. His heart rate quickened and he realized he wanted to try something else, too. Something to return the favor for everything Dean has given him. Cas kissed his thigh and looked up at Dean, moving his mouth back toward his cock. “May I?”

Dean nodded for about five whole seconds, his eyes wide and cheeks flushed. “Y-yes, Castiel.”

His insides squirmed as he took Dean in his mouth. He'd blown him countless times before, but he hadn't asked for permission since that very first time, and certainly not for this reason. Cas sucked slowly, drinking in the sinful moans he drew from Dean as his length got thicker and harder against his tongue.

Dean ran his fingers through his hair. “Fuck... so beautiful, Castiel. So beautiful.”

Cas’ skin flushed from the compliment and he all of a sudden understood why Dean always responded so well to it. It was one thing to hear something like that in a normal setting, but something else entirely to hear it when you were specifically doing something to try and please your partner. He hummed and pulled off after a moment, not wanting Dean too close to the edge because he had been waiting a long time for what was about to happen. Cas stood up and bit his lip, shifting on his feet. “How... how would you like me?”

Dean ran his tongue along his bottom lip as he thought about that. “I wanna face you. Want to watch you the whole time.”

He nodded, taking Dean's hand and leading him over to the bed. "Gods, I've wanted this for awhile." Cas got the lube out of the dresser and tossed it on the bed, then undressed the rest of the way and laid down.

Dean hovered over him and stared kissing down his neck. He nipped his nipple on the way down and glanced up at Cas. “I love you.” He licked up Cas’ hard shaft and sucked the head inside his mouth.

"I - oh, fuck... I love you, Dean. I love your mouth, holy sh-" Cas arched his back, gripping the sheets by his side and bending his legs.

Dean hummed, obviously pleased with himself and then slowly slid off. He grabbed the lube and started slicking up his fingers. “You’re sure, baby? Please tell me you’re absolutely sure.”

"Yes, I'm sure. I - fuck, I want this. I want all of you, I..." Cas swallowed, for as many times as he'd forced Dean to tell him what and how he wanted things, he was surprisingly timid about it himself when it came to being on the receiving end. "I want you to take me, Dean."

Dean closed his eyes and whimpered at Castiel’s words. He pressed the pad of his finger near Cas’ hole and sucked him back in his mouth, slowly massaging the entrance.

His gut reaction was to shy away from the intrusion as it felt... strange, to have that accompany something as inherently glorious as Dean's mouth... but he hadn't been kidding. Cas let out a breath and unclenched his muscles, holding as still as he could and moaning his boyfriend's name.

Dean rubbed his thighs lovingly, and stopped moving so he could just hold Cas in his mouth while he slid in the tip of his finger. He stared into Cas’ eyes, searching for any sign that he was uncomfortable.

"Dean, you just kissed me on a nationwide broadcast. I want this, give it to me." He rocked down on that finger, pulling it in deeper and surprisingly loving the stretch. Dean had used more lube than strictly necessary, but the cool, slick feeling just made it that much easier.

He mumbled something with his mouth still around Cas’ cock and slid in more, moving it in and out slowly. When Dean flicked his tongue, Cas jerked with pleasure and then growled, reaching under his own bent leg to force Dean's hand to move faster. "I want you  _ now. _ Quit being so damn gentle with me."

Dean sped up his finger, and then added a second. He was still being gentle, but at least he was moving again.

It was an agonizingly long time before he finally got Dean to add a third finger. That one was a little more of a shell-shock, but he adjusted quickly and his cock was so hard in Dean’s mouth he thought he was going to lose his mind. 

Of course, nothing prepared him for when one of Dean’s fingers brushed over his prostate. He knew what it was, knew what it did - he’d spent enough time watching other people’s reactions to it to know it had to feel fucking amazing, but it was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. He nearly choked on air as he gasped out Dean’s name, fearing he’d rip the sheets from how tightly he was holding onto them. “Fuck, do - do it again!”

Cas could feel the rumble from Dean’s laughter, and then he felt it again. He brushed his thick, digit along his prostate and suddenly Cas couldn’t wait to feel Dean’s cock deep inside of him. He pulled Dean up so fast it was actually a little painful when his fingers slid out, but he didn't care. "I'm done waiting, Winchester. Fuck me, or I'll tie you to this bed and ride you myself."

“Oh fuck, Castiel.” Dean nuzzled in and nipped his neck, his hard cock brushing against Cas’. “I want that too.”

That had been a joke, but now it was something he was seriously considering. He rutted against Dean, desperate for the contact as he struggled to make up his mind. "Next time; right now I want your hands bruising my hips as you show me what all those girls were so crazy about."

Dean shook his head and sat up to look in Cas’ eyes, “None of them matter. None of them ever mattered.” He reached down, slicked his cock, and lifted Cas’ legs to line up at his hole. Castiel could tell he was looking for any sign of resistance - one last time - before he started pushing inside. “Ah, fuck! So tight!”

Cas smirked and bit his lip, running his hand down Dean’s chest and then gripping his own cock. “How long have you wanted my ass, sweetheart? Show me. Take it.”

Dean groaned and pushed in further, giving in to his desires. “Since the day I saw you.” He whispered and pushed in again, finally bottoming out.

His chest flushed with the realization they could have been switching the entire time. He'd always be dominant, but something about having Dean Winchester's cock buried inside of him was too good to pass up. It had been all of eight seconds and he already felt more full and whole than he ever had in his life, and he pulled Dean down to kiss him as he wrapped his legs around his ass and crossed his ankles. "I want you always, I don't care how it happens."

“Always want you, in every way.” Dean whispered, claiming Cas’ mouth as he started working him open with his cock.

The initial discomfort gave way to pure, ridiculous pleasure. He had no idea something could feel this good, and he had to let go of his cock to stop himself from coming right then. Everything was  _ Dean  _ \- the smell, the kiss, the cock in his ass - he was so enveloped and consumed by Dean that he wasn’t sure he’d ever find his way out. Or even that he wanted to. 

He used his legs to urge Dean faster, dragging his nails down his boyfriend’s back and licking into his mouth with impatient intensity. He needed more, much more - and he’d get it even if he had to follow through with his threat.

Dean got the hint after a few seconds and began a faster pace. The second he found Cas’ prostate he smiled and started aiming for that spot. “You feel amazing, Castiel. Fuck, I love your ass. Tell me I can come in you. Please tell me you want it, too.”

It was almost amusing that Dean thought Cas could get a coherent thought like that out. He wanted it so badly, his very bones were vibrating with need, but all he managed to do was whimper  _ “please” _ as the sensations completely overtook him. Wave after wave of pleasure coursed through him and he knew it wasn't going to take much to tip him over, despite the fact that his cock was bouncing uselessly between them.

“Gonna fill up your ass and stay buried inside of you. Fucking... close... Castiel. Come all over your stomach so I can lick up every sing-” Cas came with a surprised yelp, calling out Dean’s name - and almost instantly, Dean was emptying into him and pounding into Cas through his orgasm.

He wasn't sure what was better, the fact that Dean's insanely filthy mouth tipped him over the edge, or how much better it felt to get fucked after he came. It was like any last resistance his body had been putting up completely disappeared, and every single thrust felt like fucking heaven. Dean slowed to a stop, panting as Cas groaned. "Fuck, Dean. You're incredible."

Dean stared down in awe, his cheeks that beautiful shade of pink that made each and every freckle glow, and Cas could feel the love radiating off of him.  _ “You _ are. I love every single inch of you, inside and out.”

Cas hummed, more satisfied and content in that moment than he ever remembered being in any situation. He kissed Dean, pouring months of love and warmth into it until he was sure Dean understood the words that were failing him so miserably. 

His ass was sore and already rejecting Dean, but after a slight frown when Dean slid out, he pointed out the obvious. "Your phone buzzed about a dozen times during that, and you did just make an earth shattering announcement. You might want to check it."

“I didn’t even hear it.” Dean collapsed next to Cas and sighed. “Oh yeah...” He sat up and licked Cas’ chest. “I meant what I said.”

Cas' entire body twitched and he reached over to hold Dean's head there until the little tease had licked him clean. "Gods, how are you even real?"

Dean chuckled and collapsed back on the bed. “I could ask you that every single day, Castiel. W-” He paused and licked his lips. “Was that really your first time?”

"Yes. I never really thought I'd be interested in it... until I met you, anyway."

“I swear you have the cutest ass in the world.” Dean rolled on his side and cupped Cas’ ass again. “You sore?”

He took a second to do a self-check and shrugged. "Yes, your dick feels a lot bigger in my ass than it does in my hands." Cas smirked a little at the blush reddening Dean's cheeks and leaned over to kiss him. "I'll be fine, I actually kind of like it. Is that weird? Do you normally like it?"

Dean nodded with a grin. “I love it. I love feeling you later on. There have been times, where you fuck me so good, I feel you at practice the next day.”

Cas rolled his hips as his cock twitched. "Deal with your phone, when you're done with that... I'm absolutely going to return the favor."

Dean got up and grabbed his phone, standing there like a naked, greek god sculpture as he checked the messages. His expression was unreadable, and Cas hoped everything on his phone was positive.

He waited several seconds but eventually, the curiosity was eating him alive. He sat up and pulled the sheet over his waist, furrowing his brows. "Dean?"

“Hmm?” Dean looked up and walked over. “Uh here.” He handed Cas his phone and he had messages from family members and friends, all full of love and support. He looked through them quickly as Dean slid on his boxers. 

Cas' smile faded slightly as he noticed something missing. "There's nothing from your father here."

“Yeah... I know.” He sat down on the bed, staring at the floor.

"Call him, Dean. Get it over with. Maybe he just didn't know what to say? Or maybe he wasn't watching?" His heart broke for Dean, but even the short amount of time he'd spent with John Winchester told him that Dean was worrying for nothing. There was no way John would let something as stupid as Dean's sexuality cloud his opinion of him. "You should have heard him, Dean. During the Fiesta Bowl. I don't know if any father has ever been more proud of their son... He loves you. Give him a call."

Dean leaned forward and put his face in his hands. “Fuck.” He whispered and took a shaky breath, “Okay... okay. I’ll call.”

He rubbed his back, scooting closer and kissing his hair. "I'm right here, Dean. I'm not going to leave you. You're not alone."

“Thanks.” Dean took the phone, his hands slightly trembling as he searched for his dad’s contact information. His thumb hovered a moment as he stared at his photo, before he finally hit call. Cas was happy he used speakerphone - although he didn’t doubt John, he still wanted to hear.

John’s gruff voice echoed through the room. "Dean, before you say a single word - I need to say something. I love you, alright? I'm trash with words and... and I think you know that."

Dean dropped his face in his hand again, when he spoke, Cas could hear he was fighting back tears, “I love you too.”

"Look, Son. I don't care if you're gay, straight, bi, pan -- athough, I'm still not real sure what that means and I'm gonna have some questions if it's got anything to do with the kinda things we cook on, but... you're still my boy." 

Cas beamed, hiding his face behind Dean's shoulder.

He nodded, even though John couldn’t see him. “M’sorry.” Dean sniffled, his face still hidden. “M’sorry I never told you. I- I didn’t know how. I just... wanted to keep you proud.”

"Dean, who you choose to love doesn't have a damn thing to do with me bein' proud of you or not. I'm proud of you because you're the best big brother to Sammy we could've ever asked for, you're a hard worker, a good man, and a damn good football player. Just tell me one thing, because if you answer the following question with a 'no,' I'm comin' out to Ohio and kickin' your ass."

Dean wasn’t able to hide the fact that he was full on crying now, making Cas just want to hold him, but he didn’t move from his spot. “Y-Yeah? Go ahead.”

"I didn't catch the interview, I was trying to fix the well pump and your mom wouldn't tell me a damn thing other than the fact that you kissed a guy and told the world you were gay. Now... was it that Castiel? If it wasn't, I'm gonna need you to seriously rethink your choice in men, I don't care who it was."

Dean huffed a laugh at that, “Uh yeah... it’s Castiel. It’s always been, Castiel. I love him, Pop.”

Cas grinned so widely he feared his face would stick like that as John chuckled. "Then you've got my full support."

“Thank you. It means...” He took a shaky breath and cleared his throat. “Means so much.”

John made a noise that sounded suspiciously like he was choking back tears. "I love you, Son. Please don't ever doubt that. I'll see you for the big game, okay?"

“Yes, Sir. I’ll see you there. Love you, too.” John said goodbye and Dean tossed his phone aside. Cas could see his whole body deflate as he turned to curl up in Castiel’s arms.

He held him tightly and kissed the top of his head. "I'm so happy for you, Dean. And I'm so proud of you, so...  _ so  _ proud."

He didn’t respond with words, but his grip tightened and said all he needed. Who knew how long Castiel held him there, but he would keep Dean in his arms forever if he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aisling  
> [a dream; a vision]
> 
> I’m not crying, you are.
> 
> *Only one more chapter left! See you guys Wednesday


	30. Redamancy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you to everyone who made it this far. This fic is my biggest (so far) and it took a lot of sweat and tears to create this world. I’m not ready to say goodbye, so I won’t. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy the finale of Freshman Year.

_"That's the funny thing about lightning. It has the power to destroy or create,_ _all depending on where it lands."_

**\- DarknessBound**

  
  


**Dean**

There are some things in life that you just… never forget. As long as you live, no matter what happens in the rest of your shitty or awesome life… some things just stick with you. For Dean, one of those instances tattooed itself across his bones when he huddled with his team inside the locker room at Hard Rock Stadium. 

The Hunters weren’t even on the damn field yet, but it didn’t matter. They were about to play in the most important game of any of their lives, and every single one of them was buzzing with a feeling they couldn’t explain. It was like… getting swept up into a hurricane while strapped to a comet. 

Jaskier approached him first with a huge smile on his face. “By the way, fuck you very much for not telling me about you and Cast-- _Cas._ How long were you gonna let me make a fool out of myself?” 

He didn’t miss the fact that Jask deferred to Cas’ nickname for the first time. Weirdly enough, that seemed like a passing of the torch. Not that it needed passed, he sure as hell didn’t need Jask’s permission to love _or_ be with Castiel, but still. “I dunno, it was kinda funny, honestly. You kept tellin’ me I needed to get laid, and trust me… I was.” 

Jask nodded and clapped him on the shoulder. “I had a feeling a couple of times that there was something going on, but never wanted to assume. I’m really happy for you guys, if I had to lose… _Cas_ to someone, I’m glad it was you. Just… take care of him, okay?” 

“You don’t need to tell me to take care of him, Jask. Seriously. I know how good I’ve got it, even if you didn’t.” He was worried his quarterback would get pissed at that, but he just pursed his lips like he accepted the truth of it. Dean shrugged out of his grip to put his jersey on and fix his pads. “But uh… thanks. I’m glad there’s no hard feelings.” 

“Only hard feelin’s around here are the one’s we’ve got ‘cause you never told us, cher.” Benny joined Jask and winked at Dean. “You know we’d never have judged you, right? We had to listen to Morningstar here talk about getting butt fucked all last year, wouldn’t have made a damn bit of difference to us.” 

He rolled his eyes but couldn’t stop the smile on his face. He’d known his team wouldn’t judge him, but when several of the others piped up in agreement, it still unwound that last little knot in his chest. “Ahh fuck, guys. Let’s just go win us a Championship, huh? You can throw me a ‘coming out’ party later.” Laughter followed, but the Hunters never passed up an opportunity to get drunk, so Dean prepared himself for that very thing happening one day. 

Coach Singer walked in, so Dean knelt between Jimmy and Castle, his helmet pressed into the ground and supporting some of his weight. Coach started pacing in front of the board as everyone quieted down, looking like he needed to down an entire bottle of that rotgut whiskey shit he drinks. But for all of his nervous energy, the look of nervous pride on his face didn’t go unnoticed. 

“Well, ya idgits… you made it. Against all odds, against nearly every damn bet in Vegas… you pulled it off. This is the _National freakin’ Championship!”_

The team erupted in a war chant and only died down when Singer gave them the _look._

“Acheron has one of the most technically perfect teams I’ve ever seen. They don’t make mistakes, they don’t drop passes or break coverage. They earned every damn one of their wins, but _we’re_ gonna be the first ones to hand them a loss. You know how I know that?” 

Silence. 

“I know that to my very bones, because you Hunters have something that the Manticores just don’t. _Heart._ I’ve never seen a group of young men have as much passion for the game as you lot do. I know I put your asses through the ringer these past few weeks but notta _one_ of you complained or skipped a practice. You’ve busted your asses all year and even when your chips were down, you rallied. Yeah, Jericho got the better of us during the regular season, but we got ‘em in the end, and the end is the only thing that ever really matters. I’m not gonna waste your time with some long, princess-y speech about how proud you’ve made me this season, because I really don’t feel like watching Morningstar cry.” A few of the team members laughed and Morningstar just shrugged, knowing damn well he cried like a little bitch after the Fiesta Bowl. Singer continued, “Instead, I’m gonna remind you boys that some of you are playing the last game of football of your careers, and a couple of you are playing for your shot at the NFL. As for the rest… we may never make it back here. Title runs don’t happen every year...hell, I’ve been coachin’ this team since Helltown found itself back on the map, and this is the first time I’ve seen it. So don’t take a damn _second_ of this for granted.” 

“No way, Coach. Not a second,” Dean said. He meant that with everything he was. This was the coolest thing that had ever happened to him, and he felt freer and more clear-headed going into this game than any other in his entire life. 

“Damn right, Lightning. Alright, you boys know what to do. We’ve run the plays, we’ve perfected the routes. We know how to defend against an offense as hard-hitting as Acheron. There’s not a doubt in my mind that if you boys play like you have been and execute what we’ve practiced, you’re gonna go home to your girlfriends and boyfriends and families as champions.” Dean flushed at Singer’s words, but it was the good kind of heat… the kind that comes from realizing that there was no longer a single person that he had to hide from. He’d be stepping on that field as _himself,_ truly himself, for the first time in his life. “But above all that, I want you boys to go out there and have a damn _blast,_ you play better like that anyway. There are over 75,000 people in those stands, but it’s estimated that over 25 million people are gonna watch this game from home, so I want you to give the bastards somethin’ to watch. Have some fun and remember who the hell you are.” 

No one moved or said a damn word - Dean, for one, was still hung up on _25 million fucking people_ \- so Singer slammed his palm backward onto the board. “Who are you!” 

_“HUNTERS!”_

“And what are you Hunting?” 

“MANTICORES!” 

The entire team rose to their feet, pumping their helmets in the air and Dean joined in the chant. _This is it. It’s time. You’re about to play in the National Goddamn Championship!!!_

“Alright, now get your asses out there and play some damn football!” 

Dean’s adrenaline was coursing through his veins so powerfully that he felt like each thud of his foot on the astroturf would cause him to rocket upward into space. It was surreal as hell, and the smoke blowing out of the machines as they jogged onto the field only made it worse. He coughed after inhaling at the wrong moment and stumbled forward a litte, but Jimmy caught him and Dean was hopeful that the ungraceful little trip-up wouldn’t have been noticeable in the cloud. 

His first thought was that it was going to be way too damn loud to hear anything at all. Without earpieces, he didn’t have a damn clue how he was supposed to communicate with his coaches and the rest of his team when he couldn’t even hear _himself_ screaming, and it made him all the more grateful for the visors Singer had retrofitted their helmets with. That Florida sun was no joke, but at least now he’d be able to see. 

The crowd looked far away, and his heart sank when he realized he had absolutely no idea where Cas and his family were. _Wherever you guys are, I hope I make you proud._

Morningstar took the field with the other captains and Dean watched from the sidelines, bouncing on his toes and stretching out while they coin-flipped for possession. Acheron won and elected to defer, which put a scowl on his quarterback’s face as he jogged off the field. He stopped Dean, grabbing his facemask and pulling him in until their helmets were smacking together. “Whatever the fuck you do, Lightning, do _not_ let those fucking Mantiwhores into that endzone, you hear me!” 

He pushed Jask off him but nodded as he fixed his chinstrap. “Fuck yeah, I hear you.” Dean waited for the confirming signal from their defensive coordinator and took a deep breath. _It’s go-time._

That first snap was like a dream. Dean felt like his body was moving in slow motion while the rest of the world was whizzing past him, and by ‘rest of the world’… he meant the douche he was supposed to be covering. Reality came back to him all at once and he caught the guy ten yards out, diving forward and wrapping up his ankles until he toppled to the ground. It wasn’t the best start he’d ever had, but he still recorded the first tackle of the game in the National fucking Championship. 

Dean hurried back into position and pulled his helmet down a little further, tracking that same son of a bitch that had burned him last time. Coach was a big fan of the cover 4 defense, and it had worked pretty damn awesome for them through the regular season - but Acheron wasn’t a normal team. Those guys were a well-oiled machine, and the only way to beat them was gonna be to change the whole game. 

_One step, two steps, three back… now!_ Dean stayed on the wide receiver, Leon Grenson, like the dude was about to go for the last piece of Cas’ pie. The play went the other way, and Castle completely missed the tackle. Thank god their other cornerback, Moran, was there to pick up the slack. _How the fuck is that tool even on the team?!_

It wasn’t a pretty opening drive for either side of the ball, but at least no points ended up on the board and he could head back to the bench without having to worry about Morningstar kicking his ass. He expected Coach to ream him a new one for missing that first tackle, but the only thing Singer said was, “It happens, Winchester. Just get your head in the game.” 

Morningstar and the rest of the Hunters offense didn’t fare much better than the Manticores had, and Dean started to get the feeling like it was going to be a boring game. _Better than having a goddamn heart attack every snap._

An instant ritual was created with his quarterback. Every single time they switched possessions, Jask would say something threatening about the Manti _whores_ scoring, and Dean was getting progressively more pissed off each time. He was doing the best he could, and so far, it had obviously been working because there were still two giant goose-eggs on the scoreboard. “Maybe _you_ should work on putting some goddamn points on the board, Morning _dick!”_

“Hey!” Jimmy smacked his helmet to get his attention and they jogged out together. Dean was prepared for Jimmy to be an ass about it, but instead, they did their handshake and got down to business. Down after down, HellStorm did their best to stop the powerhouses on the Acheron offense, but they were steadily gaining yards and pushing the Hunters back closer to their own endzone. _Fuck, c’mon! Pass the goddamn ball, Lister, I dare you. Lob that puppy up and watch what the hell happens to it._

Dean’s fingers were itching for an interception - something, _anything_ to shake loose the fucking stalemate they found themselves in. He got what he wanted in the form of a fucking Manticores touchdown on the very next pass. 

_Goddammit!_

He completely avoided Jask as their special teams went out to field the kickoff. The TD wasn’t his fault, but it wasn’t… _not_ his fault, either. One of the things Coach had pounded home over the last few weeks was that win or lose, they do it as a team. If one teammate fucks up, it’s the others’ job to pick up the slack. In this case, they were simply outmatched - there probably wasn’t anything any of them coulda done to stop that catch short of pass interference or a personal foul. 

The first quarter ended on a Hunters’ first down and Dean took a moment to chug some Gatorade. It was hotter than hell in Florida despite it being January and he was already sweating buckets under his helmet. He pulled the thing off and ran a hand through his wet hair, cracked his neck, and tried to loosen up. Really, he was just praying that if the offense couldn’t manage to put some points on the board, they’d at least be able to eat up some time so Dean and the rest of the defense could rest. The time of possession was already swinging wildly in favor of the Manticores, and if that trend continued, the entire defensive backfield would be dead by the middle of the third quarter. 

Thankfully, Morningstar had a Lister-shaped chip on his shoulder - he’d yapped incessantly about how that fucking douchenozzle wasn’t any better than he was and yet he got a vast majority of the press - and he took that chip and turned it into an answering 6 points. Garth never let them down, and just like that… the score was tied. He was more relieved than he thought he’d be by the points, but his greatest fear was getting shut out in front of the entire country. 

Things definitely improved that next drive. Again, they were on the field way longer than Dean was comfortable with, but they stopped the Manticores shy of the goal line, and one of the seniors Dean didn’t know very well blocked the fucking field goal. It was beautiful, and he’d be damned if he was gonna miss the opportunity to fuck with Jaskier. He grabbed his jersey and yanked him back, shouting, “You better get a fucking Hunter into that end zone, Morningstar!” Except, instead of being pissed about it, Jask blew him a fucking kiss and jogged onto the field to rally the troops. 

Dean paced up and down the sideline, swearing under his breath over and over again as the Hunters drove down the field. He had no control over what was happening out there and it was driving him insane; he wanted to be on that field for every single down until the clock finally hit zero. 

His thoughts drifted to Cas and their families up in the stands. _Are they proud? Excited? Nervous? Are Sammy and Meg getting along?_ Dean wanted to be up there with them, or to have them down here with him… _anything_ to have the support of his family right now. _But I have that. I have the full support of both families, and they’re here. They’re watching, they love me. They all love m-_

“TOUCHDOWN!” 

Jimmy tackled him onto the bench and it damn near knocked the wind out of him. “What the… _fuck,_ Thunder!” He pushed him off and sat up, fixing his pads and looking toward the end zone. Sure as shit, Trenton was on his knees with his arms stretched up toward the sky and there was a nice, shiny ‘13’ on the Helltown side of the scoreboard. He jumped up, nearly tackling Jimmy in his excitement. He’d missed the entire thing thinking about the people in the stands, so he focused on the jumbotron to wait for the replay. 

It was fucking awesome - Trenton had taken the handoff and spun around the outside, friggin dove overtop of one of Acheron’s defenders and barrel-rolled in the air over the goalline. “Holyfuckingshit!” 

The crowd was so loud that Jimmy’s response was completely lost to the noise. _This is it, right? This is where the tides turn, momentum shifts and we kick some motherfucking Mantiwhore ass?_

Someone probably should have told their special teams that, because Acheron’s kick returner ran that fucker back almost 60 yards. They were already within their kicker’s range and their offense wasn’t even on the field yet. 

_Fuck. If there was ever a time to shine, Winchester… it’s now._ He jogged out onto the field, the initial adrenaline was starting to wear off and making his movements more sluggish than he’d like. It just seemed like every time the Hunters got something going, Acheron answered with something even more impressive and he honestly didn’t know if they’d be able to hold that lead going into halftime. 

It took forever and a fucking day, but they managed to stall Acheron’s offense after one of the longest drives he’d ever been apart of. Helltown had a shot at extending the lead, but Morningstar & Co went three-and-friggin-out. 

Dean winced as he got back off the bench after just a few minutes and jogged back onto the field. Grenson shifted behind the line of scrimmage and Dean followed, wishing football pads weren’t so goddamn heavy or that they were playing somewhere cold, like Wisconsin. Lister faked the handoff but threw the ball across the field, and Dean shielded his eyes to try and watch what happened. Even with the visors, the Florida sun was still a bitch to deal with - but not even that could block out the sight of Moran forcing a fumble and falling on top of it. He coulda kissed him for that, because now he’d get another chance to rest for a damn minute. 

After a really impressive drive, the Hunters came up empty. Time was dripping off the clock and he wished they’d have somehow found a way to extend that drive just a little longer, because they were down to the wire now and bad shit always happened when they got into situations like this. 

Sure enough, the first few Manticore snaps ended horribly for the Hunters; that offense was too fucking good to do much of anything other than try to keep them in bounds to run off some more time. 

He glanced at the clock as the offense got set. _They’ve got just over a minute and 25 yards still to go. They need a touchdown to tie it… if we can just stop the touchdown, I’m fine with a field goal._

Lister snapped the ball and Dean watched his eyes, side shuffling toward that bastard Grenson and then taking off at a full run to get there before the pass did. No way in hell he was gonna let him score here - _fuck!_ He was a half-second too late and Grenson pulled it in on the 18 yard line, and Dean didn’t have much of a choice but to shove him out of bounds. He lined up again as quickly as he could, staying closer to Grenson’s side as play resumed - but it was the running back, Perez, that took it this time. They got the first down and snapped again with no huddle, and thank god the D-line did its job. Dean got a half second of rest and then Lister was back in shotgun. He saw Castle break his coverage and panic spiked through his body. _Fuck, just go!_ He left Grenson wide open, hoping he wasn’t wrong in thinking Lister would go for the receiver Castle let go. He streaked across the field and launched himself at the receiver, and Jimmy got there at the exact same time. The Manticore came down with the pass but was taken out immediately, which was a way better fucking outcome than what would have happened if he’d stayed where he was. 

“Fuck, we can’t stop these guys!” Jimmy screamed as they lined up pretty much in their own end zone. There were twenty-eight seconds left on the clock and it was first down, meaning the Hunters had their work cut out for them. 

The first pass fell incomplete, largely thanks to Jimmy finding a hole in the line and nearly sacking Lister. 

Second down, Perez fought forward for another two yards. 

Third down would have been a touchdown, but the offense was called a false start, and the play was blown dead before that full back made it across the goalline. 

They gained a little breathing room with that 5-yard penalty, but he could tell he wasn’t the only one exhausted and a little hopeless. Jimmy was kicking at the ground as Lister ate up every last second on that play clock, and when he dropped back to pass, Dean’s heart sank. He was too far away this time, there was no - 

_Fucking Thunder!!!_

Jimmy came out of nowhere and knocked the pass right out of the receiver’s hand and the down marker flipped to 4. He laughed with relief when Lister and the rest of the offense jogged off the field; he’d been afraid for a moment the assholes were gonna go for it on fourth down to tie it up. 

A last-second field goal later, and the Hunters were going into the locker room at halftime leading by 4. 

Dean stripped down in the locker room as much as he could without making it too difficult to suit up again. All he really knew was that he needed to cool off - and fast. Their waterboy ran around to hydrate them as the coaching staff yapped to each other in the corner, and then Jaskier was right fucking behind him. 

“You ready, Winchester?” 

He turned, scowling at his quarterback. Dean knew he didn’t really have a right to get mad, but his exhaustion wouldn’t be nearly this bad if the asshole had managed to keep the offense on the field for more than two minutes at a time. “Ready for _what?”_

Singer cut in. “Remember that play you idjits ran in practice before Fiesta?” 

_No. Nope. Nuh-uh._ “Don’t have a clue what you’re talkin’ about, Coach.” _Fuck!_ He’d really thought when it hadn’t happened in the Bowl game that Coach had just been fucking around when he made them practice it eighty friggen times. 

“Yes, you do, and you better brush up on it, ‘cause that’s how we’re opening up the second half.” 

Jaskier grinned and nudged Dean. “C’mon, it’ll be fun.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, you’re serious?!” He blushed furiously at the shocked expression on Singer’s face and hastily added, “Sorry, Coach.” 

“You can apologize to me by pulling it off. Now kneel, I’ve got a pep-talk to give.” 

He obliged immediately, donning most of his pads again so he’d only have to do a couple of quick things before running back out on the field. Singer kept his speech short and sweet, reminding them they had a piss-poor excuse for a lead and there was still thirty minutes left of gameplay, and if they didn’t put every last ounce of themselves into every last one of those minutes, they were going to lose. 

Not feeling particularly pepped at all, Dean shot a quick text to Cas that said “pray for me,” then got fully suited again, ignoring Jask smacking his ass as they made their way back out of the locker room to face the deafening sound of the crowd. 

With the news of what lay ahead of him, his adrenaline was fully coursing through his veins again and he felt like he could run a fucking marathon. The Hunters kicked off and Dean watched with a satisfied smirk as that same kick returner that had fucked them in the second quarter got swallowed up instantly. He bounded off the sideline and spent the next three plays basically sitting there and looking pretty - Novak and Moran handled the only two players to get past the line of scrimmage, and they quickly forced a punt. 

For once, he wished they’d have let that drag out a little longer, because now it was his time to either shine or make a complete and total ass out of himself in front of millions and millions of people. _Not even counting all the people that will see the replay, or the fucking memes if you blow this._

Jask came over and slammed their helmets together. “C’mon, Lightning. You and me against the fuckin’ Mantiwhores.” 

_Kinda wish I’d just get eaten by a Manticore, honestly._ “Yeah, yeah. Don’t fuck this up, you’ll make me look bad.” 

His quarterback laughed like a hyena and made a comment about Dean not needing any help with that, then Dean followed him out onto the field. He could hear the change in the crowd, like they’d never seen a fucking defender play on offense before. _Yeah, great. Maybe this perfect fucking defense hasn’t either._

Dean ball-tapped Benny as he lined up behind him and turned his head to both sides, completely unused to being on that end of things. “Tempest Turnaround, set… ahh, fuck, I’m not saying ‘hut,’ just gimme the goddamn ball!” 

Benny put the ball in Dean’s hands and he dropped back, lateraling to Jaskier five yards to his right, and then took _off._ He didn’t even stop to make sure his butterfingered quarterback had made the grab, he just ran like his ass was on fire while the defense scrambled to figure out what the fuck was going on. _Five… ten… fifteen… cut! Shit!_ He planted his foot and cut back toward Jask, holding out his hands and praying to god the fucker hadn’t gotten tackled. The ball smacked him right in the chest and he nearly fucked up and dropped it, but managed to get it tucked just as one of the Manticore’s safeties came at him. He grinned almost wickedly - being one of the top safeties in the nation meant he knew a thing or two about how they moved. One fake-out later and he was all-out sprinting in the open backfield. _Holy - mother - shit - ballsfuckgodwhat is happening - I’m gonna -_

Rough hands grabbed at his jersey and yanked him back, and he pulled a fucking muscle in his leg trying to break the tackle without falling, but the pain didn’t register because 7 yards later, he was collapsing in the end zone, the ball safely still in his hands. 

He couldn’t catch his breath to save his life. He’d just scored an _offensive fucking touchdown_ in the _goddamn National Championship!!!_ Dean knew without a doubt that he’d just lived through _another_ moment that he’d remember until his dying day, regardless of what the outcome of the game was. His teammates piled on top of him, and for a second he was seriously worried about suffocating to death. “O-ugh-ff!” he choked out, and one by one the weight of the entire Hunters offense left his chest. He rolled onto his side and was practically picked up off the ground by a dozen hands. The elation he felt could have lifted him right out of the stadium itself, but by the time he got back to the sidelines, the thrill was replaced by a throbbing, burning pain in his right leg. _This is why hardly anyone does that shit. I’m not fucking JJ Watt, what the hell was Singer thinking?!_ He rubbed the muscle as best as he could as that damn waterboy dumped a whole bucket of gatorade on his head. 

“You tool, you’re supposed to wait till the end of the game! What the fuck, I gotta go back on the field like this!” 

Thankfully, the damage wasn’t that bad - it was mainly just the back of his jersey and his hair that had gotten wet, but by the time he got a towel and dried off, the kickoff was over and it was time for him to get his ass back out there in his true position. He tested his leg, and while it hurt, there was no way he was going to let a stupid pulled muscle stop him from playing the rest of this game. He’d taken enough Tylenol before the game started to fend off the worst of the discomfort, and he’d have the entire offseason to recover. He hopped a little as he ran into position, but if anyone noticed, they didn’t call him back. 

He was hyper-focused, and the confusion the Manticores’ defense had just felt seemed to have transferred to the offense, because Lister allowed himself to get sacked a full eight yards behind the line. Jimmy came over to do their dumbass little handshake and they hopped in the air, bouncing their hips together even though neither one of them had done a single thing. The next play, Castle body slammed Perez so hard the ball came flying out of his hands, but one of the Acheron linemen fell on top of it so possession didn’t change. Dean extended his arms out and pumped them up in the air, trying to get the crowd to get louder. _One more. Fuck up one more time and let my offense back out to play._

Lister snapped and dropped back, looking quickly to Grenson who was running an out-route toward Dean. He licked his lip and paced his steps, sneaking up behind the wide receiver as Lister released the ball, and when Grenson jumped up to pull it down, Dean was right there with him. Their arms tangled in the air and the ball bounced off the ground as Grenson was checked out of bounds, which was good-a-fuckin’-nough for him. He landed with a thud that aggravated his already stretched muscle and fought the urge to punch the ref in the face when he threw a flag. _Are you fuckin’ kidding me!! That was clean!_

He fought Jimmy’s grip as he dragged him over to the sideline when the pass interference call was announced, but Singer wasn’t having any of it. He threw his challenge flag and at first, Dean was confused - he wasn’t aware that pass interference could be challenged like that, but maybe that’s why he wasn’t a coach. He caught snippets of Singer’s conversation with the ref and understood that his coach was trying to say Dean got his hand on the ball prior to what they were saying was interference, and if that was the case, it wouldn’t be a penalty at all. 

Dean sat his ass down on the bench and waited with Jimmy on one side of him and Jask on the other, both with a hand on one of his shoulders as the officials reviewed the play. It seemed to take a fucking eternity for them to come back out, but Dean sprang to his feet and clenched his fists at his sides as the ref gave the ruling. 

“After review, the defender’s hand touched the ball prior to making contact with the receiver. By rule, the pass interference penalty has been overturned - the result of the play is an incomplete pass. Fourth down.” 

He could have fucking shit himself with surprise, relief, and a thousand other things he didn’t understand. Jimmy shoved him over and he fell flat on his back, laughing hysterically and wondering to himself if this game could get any damn weirder. 

Two plays later, Morningstar threw an interception that _should_ have been an easy catch, and all of their momentum came to a screeching halt. 

Jimmy came over and grabbed him, glancing down at his leg. “You’re limping. You sure you're good? Don’t fucking sacrifice your leg to win a game, you’ve still got a whole career ahead of you. Tell Coach if you need to sit out.” 

“Fuck that, get your ass on the field. I’m fine.” He shrugged out of Jimmy’s grip and straightened his helmet, making damn sure not to show any signs of weakness or discomfort as he ran out to get in position. _I’m fine._

He wasn’t _that_ fine. The pain was easy enough to work through, but whether he liked it or not, it was slowing him down. Dean was grateful that Lister was targeting receivers other than Grenson, and he only had to step into coverage once on that following drive. It still ended up in a goddamn touchdown, but the Manticores seemed to have learned their lesson and were back to playing nearly flawless football. At a stage in the game where everyone was getting tired and beat up from body slamming fully grown men over and over again, it spelled bad news for the Hunters. 

_Especially_ because fucking Morningstar couldn’t get his head out of his ass long enough to complete a pass. That interception seemed to really screw with him, and he relied on Trenton to do a majority of the heavy lifting on the following drive, but Acheron’s defense was too damn good for that. They were the top rushing defense in the country, and no one had beat them on the ground all year - why the hell did Morningstar think they were going to be any different? 

The break was great, but it would have been even better if they weren’t hanging onto their lead by a thread and heading into the fourth quarter. 

Most of the next several minutes were a blur of pain, weariness, and sheer fucking terror at the thought of screwing up. Not much happened at all until Dean was back on the field just shy of the two minute warning. _This is it. Probably the final drive._ He looked up toward the stands and picked out a random cluster of ant-sized people, pretending those were the ones he was looking for. _It all comes down to this, guys. I love you, and fuck, I hope I make you proud._

The first snap was a defensive shit-show, and Acheron gained 17 friggin yards on the play. He was having a hard time fighting the limp and Coach was waving at him to come off the field, but Dean shook his head. There was no way in hell he was crapping out on his team in garbage time, absolutely not. He’d made it this far, and they were seconds away from the two minute warning which would bring him _Thunder_ and an energy boost. 

He _had_ this. 

Perez was swallowed up at the line of scrimmage as the clock ticked under two minutes, and Dean heaved a sigh of relief as he focused on the speakers next to the jumbotron and made his way over to Jimmy. He might not be able to put on his usual crazy dance, but it would be better than nothing and he needed it more than he could even admit to himself. 

The opening beats started playing through the speakers and -- _wait, what the fuck!?_

It wasn’t _Thunder_ at all, it was fucking _Blue_ by Eiffel 65. 

Jimmy looked just as confused and pissed off as he was. “What the fuck is this shit?” 

“Guess we don’t get to choose the music this time?” Dean scowled and ignored the god awful tune ruining his day. “This is bullshit, fuck it - just get out there and play like the sound guys had done their damn jobs, alright? We’re almost through, we got this!” 

His partner in crime nodded and they touched helmets for a moment, both of them closing their eyes and letting the enormity of the moment wash over them. 

“Alright, now enough of the emotional bullshit. Let’s hunt us some Manticores!” 

Dean pulled back after Jimmy’s words and sank a little lower into his defensive stance than normal as the offense lined back up. Grenson was sitting out for some stupid reason, so he spied the wide receiver that took his place but kept a close eye on the tight end lined up to the outside. Lister pump faked twice and then lateraled to Perez, who blew right through the hole that was created when two of the lineman tried to rush the quarterback. _Damnit!_

Moran caught up with him after a gain larger than Dean even cared to put a number to, and all he could focus on was the dwindling distance between the ball and paydirt. Looking around, the rest of the defense seemed as fucking deflated as he was. Were they really about to blow the game? 

The d-line did their job the next couple of plays, but then Lister scrambled over the ten yard line for a first down and all fucking hope seemed lost. Dean was almost frantic as the Manticores snapped again, but Castle’s useless ass actually swatted down the pass and it gave them just a _tiny_ hint of a spark. Perez added another couple of yards on the next play, then Lister nearly got his ass sacked and threw the ball out of bounds. 

Acheron called for a timeout with 7 seconds left on the clock and one play left. They were still down by 4, which meant a field goal wouldn’t do them any good at all - it was a touchdown or nothing. 

Dean had sweat pouring down his face and every muscle in his body was on fire. He had no energy and no motivation left, but he knew this play was the most important one of his entire career. He looked to Jimmy for some sort of boost, but it wasn’t Jimmy that gave it to him - it was the crowd. 

_“Thunder! Feel the thunder!” Boom, boom, boom. “Lightning and the thunder!”_

If the guys in the booth controlling the soundtrack weren’t going to give them their theme song, the crowd was. He’d bet his fucking ass that Cas had something to do with it, but either way… Jimmy was by his side in an instant. 

“You hear that, Lightning? Fuckin’ dance!” They didn’t have much time, but Dean put everything he had into those few, precious seconds as the crowd kept singing, his heart swelled and pure fucking adrenaline coursed through his veins. They ended with their handshake to insanely loud applause, and then turned to face the offense. 

_Alright, ya fuckin’ dicks. You want the win? Gotta weather the Storm._ He’d kick himself for that incredibly cheesy bullshit later, but for now… 

Lister dropped back as the entire d-line rushed him, but the offensive line was solid as hell and the bastard had a full four seconds to throw that ball. He lobbed it up and Dean couldn’t do anything but watch with a stopped heart as it headed straight for two wide open receivers in the end zone. He was too far away to even attempt to do anything, but before it could fully sink in, Jimmy was there. The sickening _thwack_ of bodies colliding was lost to the noise of the stadium, but he didn’t need to hear it to know something wasn’t right. Jimmy had gotten sandwiched and tangled up in that mess, and he wasn’t getting back up. 

The ball bounced out of the endzone as the clock hit zero, but Thunder still wasn’t showing any signs of life. Dean was by his side in a second, beating the trainers there and relief flooded through his body when he saw that Jimmy’s eyes were open and not rolled back into his head or anything. “What the fuck happened?” 

Singer pulled him back and in the movement, he caught sight of something he hadn’t before. Jimmy’s left ankle was twisted at an odd angle, and when he glanced up at the jumbotron, he caught the replay. 

When that dumb, self-sacrificing moron jumped between the two receivers, he’d done it nearly horizontally. He’d managed to knock the ball away, but the two Manticores ran smack into each other and one of them landed right on Jimmy’s leg. Phantom pains ricochet through Dean’s body as he imagined the damage that must have done. 

Dean came a little unglued, fighting his way through the crowd of trainers and coaches to get back to Jimmy as he was being carted off the field. The fucking game was over anyway, and they’d won - but so fucking what? At what cost? He caught up to the stretcher and moved with it, cupping Jimmy’s face. “What the fuck did you do that for? You shoulda just let him catch the damn ball, dumbass! Weren’t you the one _literally_ just lecturing me about not sacrificing body parts for the sake of this game?” 

Jimmy smiled weakly and then winced. “Couldn’t let you have all the glory, could I? First college player to ever technically play three positions in a National Championship game. I also didn’t get hurt on purpose, you _dick.”_

They’d reached the locker room and Dean was shoved aside so the doctors could take a look at him. It occurred to him that Cas and the Novaks were probably freaking the hell out, so he raced over to his locker and ditched his helmet. He saw a text from Cas that was probably a response to his ‘pray for me’ message but didn’t bother to read it; he pressed the little phone icon and smashed the phone to his ear. 

Cas didn’t answer, chances were good that he couldn’t hear it ringing in the crowd so Dean left a voicemail. “Cas, it’s Dean. Hey, Jimmy’s gonna be alright - I know that looked scary as hell, but he’s okay. His ankle’s pretty fucked up, but… look, just get down here, alright? Bring everybody, if anyone gives you shit, tell them if they don’t let you through they’re gonna get struck by Lightning. And I mean that literally, I’ll fucking fight ‘em. I love you, Cas.” He hung up, ditching his shoulder pads and then hovering as close as he could to Jimmy without getting in anyone’s way. 

An x-ray showed it was absolutely, horrifically broken, and he’d probably need surgery to set it right, but he’d be able to walk again which was the only thing Dean really gave a shit about. By the time they got it in an aircast and got him upright again, Cas was bursting through the doors accompanied by his parents, Dean’s parents, Sam, and Meg. Someone protested but Cas gave him such an epic bitchface that the guy raised his hands in surrender. 

“That’s my twin, now _move.”_

Dean raced over and hugged him, quickly filling him in on what had happened while Jimmy stood up with his crutches. 

“Listen to me, ya saps. We just won the biggest game in college football, and if _one_ of you cries anything but happy tears, I’ll murder you all.” Jimmy’s facial expression rivaled Cas’, and Dean stepped back to let his family tend to him. 

John wrapped him up in a bearhug and nearly squeezed the damn life out of him. “Christ, dad, lay off, woulda ya? I know I didn’t suck up all the attention by snapping my damn ankle in half, but I’m still sore as shit.” His dad chuckled and let go, and the hug he got from his mom was a lot more gentle. 

Sammy, on the other hand, lifted him clear off his feet. “That was incredible, Dean!” 

“Yeah, yeah, get off me, Sasquatch.” He couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across his face as he looked around at his family. Jimmy was animatedly recounting some of the finer points of the game and the Novaks seemed to have relaxed, so some of the chaos in Dean’s chest settled down. 

Morningstar jogged in and smacked the side of the lockers to get everyone’s attention. “Fireworks starting in 5, get your asses back on that field! We’ve got a celebration to attend!” 

Cas came over and took his hand, smiling gently at him. “We can skip them, if you’d like.” 

Dean shook his head quickly, waving to everyone else to follow them out. The sun was mostly set and now that it was over, he was appreciative of the warm weather and crystal clear skies. He held tight to Cas as their families filled in around them, and Jimmy hobbled over to his other side. 

“Well, Lightning… it was one helluva season, and if this is really it for me, I want you to know that there’s nobody else I’d have rather had by my side.” 

His chest swelled with both sadness and pride as he studied Jimmy’s face. He was staring straight at the sky, but every line of his face showed how serious he was. “Y’know what, Thunder? I think you’ll be back. There’s no way an injury like that keeps you down, not when you’ve got a twin _literally_ majoring in sports therapy.” 

Jimmy chuckled quietly and glanced at Dean. “Couldn’t just say it back, coulda ya.” 

“Nah,” Dean grinned, but they both knew Dean meant it. He turned to face the skyline as the first firework exploded, and Cas squeezed his hand even tighter. Dean brought it to his lips and kissed it softly, glancing over at the love of his life. “I’m okay, Cas. They’re… well, they’re just fireworks.” 

Cas’ wide, teary eyes told Dean he understood the gravity of that statement, and they huddled close together with their families surrounding them as the display dragged on and illuminated the stadium in a thousand colors. 

Seven months ago, Dean had left everything he knew and driven across the country to start over. He’d thought that he had been running _from_ his life; from the violence and fear and even from himself… but the truth was, he’d been running _toward_ this, he just hadn’t known it at the time. He was running toward a better version of himself; one that not only was proud to be in his own skin but was also accepted by those closest to him for exactly who he was, not who he was pretending to be. He’d spent his entire life playing it safe, but in the end… he’d found his peace amongst the chaos. 

And he couldn’t _wait_ to see what happened next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Redamancy  
> [An act of loving the one who loves you; a love returned in full]
> 
> Art by I_Am_The_Blue_Sunshine  
> *Don’t count these boys out yet... timestamps to come, so stay subscribed if you want more!


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